Dee74

I think you're doing great WT

FlyingDutchMan

Windy just keeps on going! Well done!

I too found it beneficiary to read back in my old topic. We just tend to forget after a while. And I don't know about you, but I still have those automatic lets-celebrate-with-a-smoke-thoughts. Long weekend? Boom, there it is. The weather turns nice? There you go. Quit for a few months...well you catch my drift.

Congratulations to you Windy, you're doing the right thing!

Windytown

yup exactly flying dutch man. You hit the nail on the head. ugh it is such a trickster. Also, a place opened legally less than an hour from me and so I have this urge to go check it out and my thoughts say- just try one joint, smoke for two days or whatever then go back to sober- easy peasy. of course the reality would be easing into it and then back to many times a day within a week , I know that. ugh. And also it would not be as enjoyable to be stoned as I imagine. One thing I remember is as SOON as I take even one hit I just start the craving craving craving- like more than any pleasure it just sets off this endless craving which is so awful.
Still, I find myself looking at the website for the new legal pot shop thinking about it. ugh. day 142 sober.

Dee74

Just remember the torture it was to quit last time windytown - you're better off without it.

D

FlyingDutchMan

This is what I keep on telling myself. It won't be as great as I imagine. You know, there's not a single soul on this forum who has relapsed and felt great about it. It was never ABOVE expectations, there's no real enjoyment and there's always guilt. Light up and you will start thinking about quitting again. And yet -and I find this quite baffling- the prospect of a smoke is such a romantic, unrealistically beautiful one sometimes.

If it would've been so great to be stoned all the time, why would we have come to this place? We wouldn't be here.

I'm not only telling you, I am writing this down for myself as well. I still need to remind myself almost daily. Especially after periods where I thought I left it all behind me.

I hope you can direct your thoughts elsewhere Windy.

Windytown

Thanks Flying dutch man. your words are wise!! I am also remembering how anxious I always felt when I was using- and I dont feel anxious now so that is another deterrent.
yes there are other ways to fill whatever longing it is I have right now- a longing to feel more uplifted, more inspired etc

Windytown

day 145 sober
been a struggle with the cravings recently.

Dee74

Re-read some old posts windy. That struggle will happen again sure as eggs if you smoke again.

I know you know that, but sometimes the AV needs a little SHUT THE HELL UP notice

You're doing great cos you're not smoking, not because you suddenly learned control.

D

Windytown

Dee , I know you are right. I know that if I were to smoke it would only INCREASE the cravings- when I smoke I crave all day and night- where as now it is kind of a background thing that flares now and then- so I know staying away is the way to decrease the craving,. I also know the craving is just in general for something- a good feeling, some kind of endorphins- and smoking pot would not give me that, it is something I need to create in a more organic authentic way ( like a good exercise routine, a trip to a new place)

Windytown

day 149 sober

Dee74

awesome windytown

D

Windytown

day 156 sober

FlyingDutchMan

Stack 'em up Windy, how are things with the cravings?

Windytown

still craving for sure- but still as a low background thing. not an all day every day thing. Still have this thought like oh can smoke some time and it will be occasional I can handle it kind of thoughts. But have a more stronger thought of I want to stay free of it. so it is not so much a strong craving as a more subtle "come back to me some day" kind of voice.
But I have so much else going on in my life with things I am working on that are also things I am working towards- with my health and wellness and fitness and such- that I think I can use those to keep me motivated away from the pot- but I don't think I will never smoke pot again. I cant even think like that. I still recognize how entrapped it has had me and that is the main thing keeping me away from it.

Dee74

Yeah it took me much longer to fully give up on the idea of never smoking pot again than it did never drinking....and the more years I am clean and sober the more I see how scary and insidious the pull is with pot.

D

lynnmarie123

I quit and relapsed many times before it finally sunk in that I'm an all or nothing type smoker. I am an addict.
Yep, it took a long time for me to throw out all my smoking paraphernalia, to make that final commitment.
It's only when I made that final commitment did the AV leave the house. Still knocks on the door a couple times a year, but as long as I don't answer, it goes away. And I like it that way, makes life peaceful.
I've asked before and I'll keep asking. Have you thrown your paraphernalia away? Have you taken that next step?

Windytown

I never really had paraphernalia, I actually smoked out of carrot pipes! I found they hurt my throat less- I would just carve a pipe out of a carrot every week or so.
So yeah I have no pot stuff in the house- so I have taken every step I can really. I cant pretend I never think about it though~ just taking it one day at a time.

FlyingDutchMan

You sound in control Windy, it's very nice to hear that. I think I am in the same boat as you: the gentle pull is there but there are no in-your-face-cravings in a way that I am contemplating on smoking this very evening.

Best of luck to you!

Windytown

you too flying dutch man. What sober day are you on?

FlyingDutchMan

I stopped counting the days, but it must over 400. On March 8 last week I had my 14 month milestone.