The Quit Team
 

Good morning, gang. Well, here's to another sober day ! A good night's sleep does wonders !!! I thought I would start a new thread so as to not overtake anyone else's. As I stated a day or two ago, my goal is to stay clean for a year. I say a year because to say forever causes my brain to spasm, so no need to do that. I have a strong feeling that after a year, it will just continue that way, but for now, we have today to remain healthy and free. I must say , in my relapse, I saw a different person . It made the relapse enlightening. I didn't like the person present there. She was less entered, less present, less patient, less tolerant, more caught up in "stupid things", more grasping, more lazy ..... I could go on, but you get my point. She was less as a person - period ! It was such a contrast to the sober gal! So, thankfully, my relapse wasn't long and I am back to being the better side of this gal in a week or so . Then the trick is not to fall for the " just one puff " thinking that got me last time. Come join the Quit Team and make 2018 your best year yet !

Great initiative, HC. Together we are stronger. Count me in.

I also have enough reasons to quit. I have too much to achieve, and to be and to do.

So let's do this. Day 5.

Who else on the quitting team? :)

I'm on board. Even though I have been sober for almost 5 months, I still get the whispers (I like that word for it, mm1741!) and have to stay vigilant. Every morning I make a commitment to stay quit.

Hi fellas ... I don't know if I'm on board. I'm at Day 2 right now. I wrote this in Windy's thread so I might repeat myself, but:

Right now I'm not at my best or anything, but it's not that bad either. I don't have appetite and etc, super tired, pretty much the normal stuff.

I'm looking forward to be sober and feeling good again, but I also want to smoke ... even after all that I'm still playing around with the idea of moderation and occasional use, although that have failed every single time, including the last one. It would have been just Fridays and maybe weekends, or when I'm together with friends etc, something like a cheat day, you know. It worked for a little bit, but then I just didn't stopped after the weekend and went back to all day every day.

BUT - It felt like it could work .... maybe ...

I'm a little bit shaken right now, this excessive smoking is bad for me certainly, I've seen that, but also the idea of never ever doesn't appeal either. Well, it's the same battle as before.

Anyway, I think I need some good time off before I can even consider trying to moderate again, if that's possible.

Right now I feel so unsure about myself and everything. I want to smoke and I don't want to smoke ... or at least I don't want the bad effects smoking has on me.

I dunno I'm really torn apart.

I'm seeing a therapist and what she said is that the problem it's not about using, but about abusing. Yeah, if I could only moderate and smoke occasionally.

Anyway, it came a long post and I'm rambling a little bit.
For now, I'm on board.

Thank you! :)

Hey Teodor. I understand the hanging onto moderation idea. After years of trying to moderate, I accepted the fact that it's all or nothing for me. And so I chose nothing. The idea of never again scared the crap out of me, but it was really for the best.
I like myself a lot better with the choice of nothing than with dealing with the constant fight day in and day out. I feel if you leave that door open of possible use in the future, daily cravings will never stop.
Wishing you the best.

I would say Teo, NOT to worry about "forever" right now, which is why I set the goal of one year for now. We'll see how I feel then, but for now , it's one year and that's good enough for me right now. Don't let future thoughts set your determination for today's choices. Glad to have the team mates - we'll kick arse !

I'm in, 100%. I really relate to the ambiguous feeling of not wanting to smoke but not wanting to quit. It's really a terrible place to be in, and a very clear sign that we are addicted. A way I look at it, is that I can continue to smoke as I am and DEFINITELY be miserable, or try sobriety and have a chance at being happy and contented, and the person I was meant to be.

I also saw a totally different person in my relapse, happycampers. And I didn't like him, at all. I'm not sure I was in love with my sober self at the time of my relapse, either, but my sober self can be improved. My using self is, and always will be, an addict, and will never change.
I hope any of that made sense. I feel like my brain is on another planet. Off to bed. I'm glad to be participating here again, and i'm so very grateful for all of you.

Thanks for this thread HC - I've been ill so I'm not up on the deets but welcome back :)

I've said it before but I think pot was the most insidious of my addictions.

It was so easy to rationalise that it was ok, it was natural, it wasn't as bad as X Y or Z...

The longer I am way from my last puff the more clearly I see the reality - I was like a slave to it...it ruled me - my world shrunk to my house, and then to my room....I needed pot every day and when I didn't have it I went seriously violently ******* crazy.

I was a vacant eyes drooling zombie (way before zombies were hip).

I stole other peoples pot and lied about it. I missed important dates and occasions for my friends and family to go get high instead and I lied about that too.

I hurt people emotionally in order to get more time to smoke alone.

My life diminshed in every sense when I smoked pot.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to stop and the courage to stay stopped - cos my world's expanded again.

Pot stole it, and I got it back.

I love who I am and I love my life.

anyone on the fence - join us.

What do you have to lose?

D

Awesome post as usual,Dee - thanks for sharing. Yes, we are looking for peace and happiness and went down a wrong road for it. There are Many roads that lead to nowhere close to peace and happiness, so we're not alone in going down a wrong road. Now, it's time for us to find another road that will move us closer to that inner happiness. I have found mine and need to nuture that now in order for that to blossom within. I personally believe that it's an inside job as I don't believe gaining any outside object, position, state will ever heal that sense in incompleteness many of us feel inside. We were trained look outside ourselves for solutions and yes, there is happiness there, but they are all temporary and pass, which is why we kept repeating something that even temporarily took away that sense of separation/ incompleteness . But for me, I'm interested in a real solution now and it's an inside job. I already feel better and more myself even a few days away from a relapsed state. I'm myself again and that's great - I can connect to my inner Source of joy again. In the cloud of pot , I become disconnected from that Source - when stoned, I won't even look in that direction. But now, the inner Light is on again - thankfully ! Here's to another sober day and another opportunity to stick to what I know within in the face of any challenges that may arise today - I am replacing a main water line on a 100 year old building I own today going up four floor levels, so I'm sure today will have hair- pulling moments - LOL :)
Have a great day , my friends. Stay sober and rise again !!!

Great atittude, HC. Hope you did not pull your hair off today lol.

I hope and wish everyone on the quit team is having a nice day (as much as possible).

Day 6 here.

I thought a lot about the quitting matter, and I realized that I want to quit weed for good. Meaning: FOREVER. Yes, I think I might be finding peace with that feared word.

"If you want a different result, make a different choice" (Dee's signature).

I think I'm ready to do things differently. I will make a full and serious recovery.

I started a physiotherapy treatment which is going well. I am quite debilitated because of the sedentary lifestyle and back pain. My goal is to swim again, and my dream is to swim in the sea and practice bodysurfing. Yes, I discovered I can dream again. It's not too late (yet).

Also, I decided to treat my anxiety once and for all. I did not find a therapist yet, but I will soon, hopefully. The time has come to face my emotions and I need professional help to do that.

Last but not least, I will finally try the floating tank, which was presented to me by a very dear friend, some time ago. I think I will benefit from that.

Of course it's going to be expensive and I will not be able to sustain all these treatments for very long, but for now, I have to try. The costs scare the hell out of me, to be honest, but I don't see another way right now, for I need help. Otherwise, there is a great chance that the cycle of relapses will repeat over and over again, I guess.

Well, that's it for day 6. Have a sober Friday, team!

10 pm here and just finished the crazy plumbing job - with my hair in tact - LOL !!!
I'm exhausted, but really thankful it's done. Had the old ways calling , whispering " man, that was tough job , you should get a gram and chill , you deserve it ". My answer back - I Don't touch that stuff anymore- period. I notice every time a smoking thought comes, that's my standard reply and it just seems to go away then. It comes a knocking, but no one is answering the door anymore. I also just say to myself, It's just an old, conditioned thought that will play on for awhile, but it's just a thought and nothing more. Need to nip those whispers in the butt right away.
Going to bed tired, but happy. Have a great weekend team !

I'm almost 5 months clean and still get the whispers.
Dee, when did your whispers stop?

Hi Lynn

I can't say for sure but my pot whispers lasted a lot longer than my alcohol ones.

It was probably a couple of years - not burning gnawing desires, just random wouldn't it be nice thoughts.

The scary thing was they sounded plausible.

D

Thanks Dee. I've been off alcohol for just over 2 years now and the thought of a drink make me feel like running away screaming. No desires (or a whisper) at all in that regard.
A couple years, eh? Oh, boy. *sigh* Good thing it's just the odd thought once in a great while rather than craving.
It's the plausibility that bothers me. But I keep playing the tape. The 'oh, just this one time' will turn into full blown day in and day out use. I'm not going back...ever! I've quit twice in a year's time after months of use. It's just too hard to do. I don't want to go through that hell again.
I'm done. Period.

I smoked for 40 eyars tho, so from that perspective a couple of years isn;t that bad.

The good news is the thought of either booze or pot is repugnant to me now :)

D

One week done :)

How are you doing, team?

Great! Had the opportunity to toke yesterday and passed on it. Staying strong!

I got 68 days clean. It’s been tough but slowly getting better. I just feel stress and irritated half the time. It’s hard to adjust. I’m used to being high literally 24/7 unless I’m sleeping. It’s worth it to quit tho my body n mind is just going through changes. Getting high will just bring me back to square one and I’ll just regret it like the last time I relapsed. Anyone thinking of using again it’s not worth it!

Ride though the stressful detox, Ajohnson. It'll get better, I am sure.
I have been feeling a peace of mind and physical well being that I haven't experienced in a very, very, long time, if ever. I'm sure it's because my body isn't constantly trying to detox, like it was when smoking and shortly after quitting. But it took a full 3 months to get there.
Glad you have joined our team! The more, the merrier.

Thanks for words of encouragement. I feel like I’m at my last stretch of detox and I just need to hold on a little bit longer. I feel like I will be experiencing that piece of mind and physically well being you are experiencing soon. I’m almost at 3 months! Thanks for sharing your experience, it’s help reinsure me that I’m on the right track! It seriously helps thank you!

wishing everyone a sober and happy week ! Got another crazy week ahead, but I'll take it one day at a time. So far, so good ! Sober living is good living :)

Great to hear that, HC! Have a great sober week everyone. Keep steady!

Relapsed badly.

Sorry to hear that Teo.

Hows your motivation to stay pot free now?

D

I'm really confused Dee .... part of me wants to be where I was when I was few months free ... part of me wants to still be able to enjoy it from time to time ... but that has failed every single time.

Anyway, I think I need good time off, before even attempting moderation again.
Isn't there anyone who has succeeded with moderation and occasional use ?

I doubt you'll find many yea's in this forum.

All I know is I tried for 30 years to find a way to smoke it and not have it run my life. I never found that way.

I'm sorry Teo but you sound like that kind of smoker to me.

Whatever benefits you feel you're getting from it, I'm betting the negatives are as much, if not more by now.

That doesn't get better the longer you smoke IMO. it gets worse.

In the end I couldn't even get high - I just turned catatonic.

I always thought not smoking would leave my life that little bit empty but it really hasn't been that way.

I'm really glad I've had a decade off the stuff.
I don't think I would have done any of the cool things I have had I been smoking.

I hope you'll give yourself the chance to give it a go - a real go - Teo.

D

Thanks for the inspiring words, Dee.
What would you consider a real go ? A year ? Or ? Thank you!

I think a year is a good amount of time - it's long enough to get a good idea of what a life without bondage to a drug can be like.

Also we're a little like hostages with the Stockholm syndrome.

We're bombarded with ideas that pot is innocuous, thats it's natural and that it can even be beneficial as a medicine.

The pull of pot is so persuasive that 3 months and 6 months might not be long enough to dislodge those feelings entirely.

I remember I took 3 months off once and thought gee life is good...a little smoke now and again will make it even better...

I was deep in denial, deeply addicted psychologically, and didn't even realise it.

stuff like that takes time to change.
D

great post , Dee ! Teo, we all understand the struggle - it's not easy. See if you can wrap your head around a year quit. Then decide from there how you feel and what you're willing to do or not do. "Quitting forever" thinking can make things feel worst and create a higher sense of dread and doom. So, I say, just quit for a good period of time where you know after that period, how you honestly feel and what you're willing to risk or not.

I gave up all thoughts that I could moderate. I'm not built that way. I'm an addict. It's why I'm here.
Being an active addict is not how I wanted to live. I did not like myself or how I behaved. I was a slave to pot. It dictated nearly everything I did.
Sure, I could assuage the AV for a while. I took a 9 month break while pregnant, but the moment I popped that kid, out came the pipe.
The AV is like a little kid waiting for Christmas. "Not now, but sometime soon" you tell it and it waits patiently, looking forward to that promised reward.
It was hard coming to the realization that I had to tell it "Never again, just get over it!" Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. And it was scary and sad. Heart wrenching, even.
The crazy thing is, it wasn't doing it for me anymore. It didn't take me where I wanted to go. Why did I keep trying?
It was creating the illusion of being my anchor. There when I needed it, keeping me steady. But the more I held onto to it, the more it dragged me to the bottom. My wonderful, helpful anchor was drowning me.
So I let it go and swam to the surface.
Now I've come to the realization that I can't swim to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve that anchor. It's just too heavy and I will drown if I try.