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-   -   Here we go...again. (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/marijuana-addiction/408289-here-we-go-again.html)

lynnmarie123 04-21-2017 09:30 AM

Here we go...again.
 
Today is day 2.
After quitting for 3 1/2 months, I caved and ended up smoking for another 4 months.
Just a bit more than a little disgusted at myself. Medicinal indica put me in a non-stop eating coma. When I wasn't eating, I was sleeping. Gained 23 pounds! Enough.
So with this added weight gain, I expect withdrawal to be worse than the last time. And I experienced as much yesterday. Daytime hot flashes were many and sleep was nearly non-existant.
What could I have done differently this time to stay off the pot?
I didn't smack down that AV when it spoke to me. I needed to stay firm in my resolve. I needed to play the tape. I just wish the footage was uglier.
Alcohol has an ugly recording. Alcohol breaks down your front door, smashes all your windows, furniture, everything.
Pot just knocks at the door and doesn't stop. So annoying, but not devastating. Just go the frack away and leave me alone.
So I am back to a clean diet and sweat producing exercise.
I have a theory that the severity of withdrawal is directly related to the amount of excess body fat. I was rail thin last time and withdrawal was a breeze. So far, not so much.

Have an amazing sober weekend, everyone!

Dee74 04-21-2017 04:16 PM

Welcome back lynnmarie :)
Remember we're here to help :)

D

PhoenixJ 04-21-2017 04:43 PM

Welcome, keep posting

SteveAlex 04-21-2017 04:56 PM

Welcome back! Have a great weekend too :)

Windytown4 04-22-2017 09:02 PM

hang in there--- it gets easier after a little while!

lynnmarie123 04-26-2017 10:59 AM

Day 7 Still not remembering dreams and waiting for the nightmares. Perhaps my "excess fat cells/detox rate" theory has some truth. And I've been losing weight this time around. Perhaps the release of cannabinoids with weight loss is slowing things down.
On the up side, a good sweaty walk yesterday morning held the hot flashes at bay for the whole day.
Sleep still sucks, but I expected this.
I must remember how miserable I am so I don't do this again!

I hope everyone is rocking the freedom from pot!

Dee74 04-26-2017 07:32 PM

a week is great lynnmarie :)

D

SteveAlex 04-26-2017 07:51 PM

Way to go on a week!!

lynnmarie123 04-26-2017 08:49 PM

Thanks all! A week is a nice start, but I wish I could turn back the clock to when I had 3.5 months under my belt. Lesson learned.

Lorax1981 04-26-2017 10:50 PM

Nice job!

lynnmarie123 04-28-2017 08:00 PM

It's the end of day 9. Still not remembering my dreams, no surprise. The good part of that is the nightmares have not happened either. But that will happen. Great news is I've lost 10 lbs! Which, I think, is why this detox is not as easy as the last time.
But it feels fantastic to be in control, eating right (no munchies) and exercising. My lungs are clearing nicely and the brain fog is lifting.
I actually slept. I think I got more sleep last night than I did the previous 7 nights combined. There is light at the end of this detox tunnel.

blueflower17 04-29-2017 08:39 AM

Good job!

lynnmarie123 04-30-2017 03:21 PM

Yesterday I was in a situation that required quick thinking. I know if I had been stoned, I would have totally dropped the ball.
I am loving the clear mind.
It may be a small thing, but I need to document the little successes. I need to keep reminding myself of why I am doing this.

Dee74 04-30-2017 05:41 PM

Exactly lynnmarie - good call :)

D

lynnmarie123 05-04-2017 10:09 PM

Day 15
I'm sorry. All I seem to do is complain.
Withdrawal this time is awful! Spontaneous hot sweats day and night, they just don't want to go away. Still not remembering my dreams. Last time they came back on day 6. Is there such a thing as kindling with pot?
I've got to remember this discomfort. It's got to keep me from starting up again. I don't want to do this ever again. Enough!
Insomnia is the one thing I really hate. It took months last time to get a good night's sleep, let alone several nights in a row. Why do I do this to myself?
And 'they' say pot is not addictive. Ppppfffff!
I hope every one is staying on track! Let's rock this!

Dee74 05-04-2017 10:12 PM

I sweated a lot too - I sweated with any withdrawal.

Folks will tell you pot is not a physical addiction, but I think withdrawal is withdrawal - it wouldn't surprise me if the kindling phenomenon applied to pot too lynnmarie.

D

lynnmarie123 06-25-2017 10:58 AM

And back again at day 1.
*sigh* Why do I keep doing this? I always, ALWAYS end up in the same place. Disgusted with myself.
Back to square one. I know today will be the worst with the cravings, and I know they will be less tomorrow. I know. But why have I not learned. Interesting.
I will try to post more, keep myself accountable.
This sucks.
I need to hear some success stories. Anyone?

Dee74 06-25-2017 05:24 PM

I quit after 30 years, so it's possible. Had to make some pretty big changes tho in who I hung around and what I did for fun.

What drew you back in?

D

lynnmarie123 06-25-2017 07:45 PM

Dee, I would have to say my AV drew me back in. I don't think I have completely shut the door on pot like I did with alcohol. I have left an opening and it sneaks back in. I wish I could kick it completely to the curb. But why can't I? What's holding me back? What am I afraid of?
Perhaps I need more soul searching.
But in the meantime, I will not smoke.

Dee74 06-25-2017 08:03 PM

maybe it's worth putting some thinking time in to counter the usual arguments your AV makes?

D

lynnmarie123 06-26-2017 10:07 AM

Day 2
Withdrawals started fast.
Very weepy this time, like I was pregnant watching insurance commercials.
Sweated buckets in bed. Gross.
No appetite (yay! maybe I'll lose some of this weight!) and nausea.
On the up side, my resolve is stronger.

lynnmarie123 06-29-2017 10:12 AM

Day 5
Yesterday was not a good day. Got into a fight with hubby (because I was irritable from withdrawal) and I craved all day.
I didn't think I had triggers. But I guess if you smoke all day, you don't crave when things go bad. I don't know.
I am eager to be clean and free of marijuana's influence. My brain is screwed up right now.

teodor 06-29-2017 02:54 PM

Congrats on Day 5, lynnmarie, this is wonderful!
Keep on the good work and the good days will start pilling up!

Keep us posted! :)

Dee74 06-29-2017 04:27 PM

Day 5 is great lynnmarie :)

D

lynnmarie123 06-29-2017 04:43 PM

Thanks all!
5 days is a start. I know I can make it to 3.5 months. I just can't get complacent.
Being around my sister might be difficult, at least at first anyway. She tokes a lot and I can't not hang around her. She moved to be closer to me after her husband died. But she is respectful and doesn't offer me the pipe when I'm abstaining. I just don't want to be around pot right now.

lynnmarie123 07-01-2017 08:53 AM

1 week
Still a bit nauseous, restless sleep with lots of sweating, but I am starting to remember snippets of dreams, so there is progress!
Weight is coming off and that feels great and lungs are clearing.
Thoughts of and impulses to smoke are decreasing.
Gotta keep looking at the positive and ride out the negative.

Lorax1981 07-02-2017 01:06 AM

Right on lynnmarie!

lynnmarie123 07-02-2017 04:55 PM

Decided to do some journal writing today, get my thoughts down and do some exploration of my feelings. Besides what I wrote here about my progress I wrote:
"Proud to be back in control. However, I still haven't made the commitment to never smoke pot again and I'm not sure why. AV?
I just can't get rid of my pipes and such. Until I do, I know I will smoke again."
I then wrote 2 lists. Reasons to quit and reasons to continue getting stoned. The reasons to quit outnumbered the reasons to continue by over 3 to 1.
I continued journaling.
"So why am I hesitating to toss the pipes?
Now I'm tossing around the idea of never having quantity and never smoke at home- only when away. Would this work? Could I hold my resolve and do only that? If I toss my pipes, that would prevent me from bringing it home. Or am I just kidding myself? Why can't I make the full commitment, like I did with booze? Frustrated and disappointed with myself. I want to be proud for good. I want to be happy. I want to quit for good. I will quit for good."

Apparently, this is just what I needed. The whole thing just started to sound so ridiculous. All this effort into thinking and re-thinking....it's exhausting.
I tossed ALL my paraphernalia.
Good riddance.

Dee74 07-02-2017 05:06 PM

I'm glad you did that lynnmarie.

Journalling is great, & I think it's a wonderful statement of intent to ourselves to throw out our paraphernalia and make a clean break :)

lynnmarie123 07-06-2017 11:50 AM

Approaching 2 weeks pot-free and the AV has been poking me, telling me to get my tools of destruction out of the garbage. I slipped at the two week mark last time. I just need to be strong, garbage gets picked up tomorrow.
So I keep repeating to myself, "Stay strong, you CAN do this!"
I celebrated 20 months alcohol-free on the 4th, so I KNOW I can kick this too.
Posting here helps. Thanks, SR.


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