Dee74

I'm really glad to see you're sticking with it Teodor.

The thing about pot addiction is it sounds utterly plausible that there might be this secret arcane way of looking at things thats only available to a select few who smoke. I fell for that too.

Honestly tho by the end of my smoking days I could not put together a coherent sentence let alone any new ways of thinking.

My mates used to joke I needed a seat belt cos I'd fall out of chairs I was that ripped.

There was no epiphany going on there.

Sometimes I'd write things down thinking they were brilliant and later on looking again they were just gibberish.

My brain has never been as focused as efficient or and powerful as it is now after a decade free from self destruction.

Remember that that addictive voice, no matter how persuasive it sounds, is a liar.

D

Windytown4

you sound exactly like I feel, my friend!!! And I will not be one to tell you never smoke again. I am on this journey with you and at the same time , with the same experiences. After 7 months sober, where I was feeling good in a lot of ways, but stuck mayb in some others, I smoked. IT lasted a week- then I got sober for a week, then I have been smoking again for about 8 days and plan to go sober again tomorrow.

It is a lot harder to stop than I anticipated. It has given me some perspective and joy. I don't think pot is an 100% bad thing. It is just that it is consuming. It consumes us. I also think on the process of quitting, for me it can be helpful to go back from time to time to it to remember why I don't want to be in it . It is hard to moderate. Every single time I go back to it I say this time I will smoke it occasionally. And then as soon as I get home I smoke all day and night until I get rid of it.
My health feels worse. I feel like I am constantly eating and craving sugar when I am on it, and less able to enjoy healthy foods. My lung issues feel worse when I am smoking. I pass out at night on the couch a lot when I am smoking. I feel like I am in a thick heavy sludge.

the good of it is it can be fun. It can initially give me a good perspective. I do notice spiritual things in a different light. So, yeah, in the short term it can be fun. In the longer term it is way worse.
And then the wanting to stop and not being able to is annoying!

The more you smoke the more you crave.
So if you can ride out the craving, maybe it passes. If you do smoke give yourself a time limit and stick to it! I have been saying I will get rid of my pot for th lst5 days and am still hoping I do it tonight, My health feels worse and I feel more overhwlemed when I am on pot. IT is fun in some ways but it becomes the master of my life. Where as when you are sober you ar more in control. Less me know how you do! I totally completely know how you feel! I feel that way a lot. Having gone back into pot for the last three weeks I am ready to go out of it.
I think with pot it can b different than other addicitons, where sometimes on the quitting road it can be helpful to do it a little. You can make your own rules. Teo. Keep posting and sharing! Ideally we could smoke from time to time and I still have that as my goal, personally.
But when I smoke then there is a lot of work to get back out of it. IT is a lot harder to stop after smoking than to stay quit. but it is all a learning experience.

Windytown4

also, the joy of getting high again is very short lived, while the pain that it brings gets bigger each day! The first 2 days or so are amazing. Then the bad part creeps in, the good part gets smaller and smaller and the bad part gets bigger and bigger!

Lorax1981

Hi teodor- keep at it man. I had some low spots during the first year but I stuck it out and things got better. I of course recommend you quit the drinking too to be able to see the full benefits of sobriety but that's because I've read that pot and alcohol act on some of the same mechanisms etc.. Just keep at it, I think you get close to getting up and over the hump and just need some more time to get there.
-Ted

teodor

Thank you for the support!

Day 109+

I still fantasize the idea of smoking again, but I'm focused on work and other things right now and I try to at least postpone it.

I'm afraid that if I smoke again, it won't be just a weekend or even just a week, but much longer, but then - who knows.

Thank you for being here, it's nice to know that I can come here and find support and give support also!

teodor

Day 113+

I almost relapsed today ... actually I still am on the verge.
As you know I fantasize those last few weeks about using again, to, you know, get a break, chill out, feel relaxed, see the things from a different point, get a different perspective, experience pot and etc etc etc.

Today I decided I don't want to wait any more and called the dealer and got some ... rolled it up ... but didn't smoked it. It sits there now ...

Since then I'm here on SR, re-read some of the posts I made in this thread, some other posts, chatted in the chat, thought bout how it was and etc.

I'm torn apart between wanting to experience pot again, but the thought of being again at the place I was ... it scares me a lot ... it was dark this last time. But then again I don't know if it was due to the pot or due to some other things I did.

My life definitely feels better now, but also more boring sometimes. Weed was sometimes giving this extra flavor to things, making them more appealing. Like movies, etc. Even sex sometimes was (maybe) better - it was making me super horny and etc. Anyone noticed that ? I read that it is an aphrodisiac.

But I was a slave to it. It controlled my life.
I don't like the idea of never ever, but I also don't like the idea of being an addict and a slave to pot.

I thought I should share. I'm still sober, but also I still have it. I regret giving money for it, and the thought of giving more ... doesn't sound appealing to me ... but then still ...

It's the - "I'll just do it a couple of times to see how it was, etc, to see if I like it, to experience it again" and things like that.

I know that I most probably shouldn't. I said to myself that I need at least one year to recover from my pot use and another year to see what the recovered me can achieve in one year time. But then again, I want to reward myself for all the hard work and also to chill out, relax and etc.

I remember last summer, when I was at the sea at 1+ month sober I smoked some. And I liked it. Had a great morning watching the sunrise etc. After that I didn't continue to smoke. So few months later I decided I could do it again ... and boom .... 5 months smoking.

It's hard ... everyone is saying - "You shouldn't do it" and maybe they're right, but then it's my journey and my life and if I want it it's my decision, but do I really want it ... ?

It came out a long post and I still have a lot to say more.
It would be nice to see more of you in the chat, it's nice to have this live connection.

Thank you for your support!

Dee74

Everytime I went back to pot it was the same. Every freakin time.

This is from ten years ago now:

I really encourage you to follow Recovery Road Teodor...I'm happy, content and my life is good - I feel excited about the future and I'm productive as all heck.

I no longer hate myself or feel ashamed about who I am.

It took a while to get there...the roots of this thign go really dee and the more you smoke the deeper they go.

Even with the clarity in the post I quoted above, I don't think I *really* understood what a hold pot had on me, and what changes it had made to me mentally (even if I wasn't smoking) until I looked back and realised just how long it took me to completely return to my 'right mind' and not be beguiled by the fantasy of weed, rather than the reality.

Make a decision for your future Teo

I'm not a slave to anything anymore - freedom feels good.

Windytown4

when I read your posts they are so much of what I am feeling so much of the time that I could have written it myself. Keep us posted, Teo.

racingthoughts

Teodor,

It's been a while man. I hope you decided to flush that joint down the toilet.

I'm of the opinion virtually all addicts have an emotional bond with their drug of choice. For me this was the case. When I was using, I thought weed was God's gift to mankind. It was sacred to me. It just seemed so perfect. It was all a big lie. I used to think weed enhanced my writing. I've looked over short stories and whatnot that I wrote high, and they're painful to read. They're complete garbage. It's a momentary illusion.

Our brains are hardwired to seek pleasure. Drugs provide us with immediate access to euphoria, and eventually, even that subsides. Still, that's what your craving more than anything. That dopamine and that fulfillment.

As you've found though, the fulfillment is temporary and generally fades all together. What's Teodor's purpose in life? How can you find spiritual fulfillment outside of a bag? It's out there man. You've just got to look. Weed's an easy empty hole.

Wishing you the best man.

teodor

Hi RT,

Thanks for checking in! Your absence is felt in the forum.
To be honest - I haven't flushed it, but I haven't smoked as well.

I think you're right about the emotional bond - I've said sometimes, that weed has become a part of my life, part of me and that I just need to/have to do it from time to time, it's like this part of you that you need to explore here and there.

To be honest, I don't know if I fancy the idea of never smoking again, but also I don't fancy the idea of being an addict.

Maybe you're right about the dopamine and the fulfillment. I myself have thought that I need this rush of dopamine.

I've seen how much one can accomplish when not smoking and focusing on his goals and etc. It's amazing and it's just the beginning. But also I need to vent out from time to time. Dunno maybe it's the AV.

Yes, sometimes you feel like you've made this BIG discovery or whatever when high, only to find that is "umm, wtf" when sober. But then also sometimes it has helped me to I don't know take some decisions or just see the things from another perspective. Maybe that's an illusion as well.

I've not given up on the idea of smoking again honestly. As I haven't given up on the idea to be sober and go after my goals. Don't know if both things can go together. Maybe.

Dee,

Your words are inspiring. I too don't feel ashamed and I'm more productive and etc. It is better indeed. Not being a slave feels amazing. Being free feels amazing.

Yeah, looking back certainly helps, but ... but ... but ...

What you've quoted I read many times. It's powerful. Thank you! Thank you for being here for us every time, despite of all failed attempts and etc. You're like the big brother or the wise father, I dunno.

I dunno if I will smoke again. Maybe yes. I sometimes miss the feeling of being high. But then I remember that I also hate it sometimes.

Thank you again everyone! You're amazing.

Dee74

I never thought I would live without weed....but the more I do the more I see how it enslaved me.

It's ironic being a reggae song I guess, but there's a Jimmy Cliff song that says 'I'd rather be a free man in my grave than living as a puppet or a slave'

Thats the difference to me, it really does tho go that deep.

D

racingthoughts

I'm sensing a bit of ambivalence coming from you teodor, and I think that joint is the perfect symbol of such. I'm not faulting you for it, it's just the nature of this. You claim that you don't want to be an addict, but that you also aren't fond of the idea of never smoking again. I hate to break it to you, but you can't have both. That's the problem with addiction. We want all of the perceived benefits of using, but none of the drawbacks. If weed was still fun and didn't have any significant drawbacks, I almost surely would have never quit in the first place. Try not to forget your last day using and your first day clean. Try to remember how much fun those days were (sarcasm).

For now though, thinking in terms of forever isn't useful. Just try to think in terms of today. If you can get through today without smoking, then there's no need to worry about tomorrow yet.

I know it's hard but flush that damn joint. The best case scenario is that it sits there and screws with your head. You already know what the worst case scenario is. You've been clean for over a hundred days. You don't need it now or ever.

teodor

Well, today marks 4 months

There were ups and downs, which is normal, but mostly ups.
Overall - I feel better. More in control, more confident, more able to achieve my goals.

I'm happy that I did it.

I still fantasize with the idea of smoking again. I might as well do it or not. I don't know.

But it's so nice to see how much you can achieve when you set your mind to it.
Thank you for your support! It means a lot, really.

Dee74

Congrats on 4 months Teo

I wanted to smoke for a long time too - but when I forced myself to look at things logically, I was a slave to weed - I gave away my life.

There's no way to make weed a casual acquaintance if you smoked like I did.

I really hope you stay on this road - there's no exit back the way we came.

D

Hevyn

4 months is wonderful, Teo. Be proud of yourself.

racingthoughts

Congrats on the 4 months buddy.

I get that fantasies linger. A helpful tactic I've found for dealing with them is to simply acknowledge the existence of the longing. You can acknowledge it as a natural aspect of your brain rewiring from the temporary and habitual dopamine surges it became used to getting. The important part of acknowledging cravings/fantasies, is that you can be aware of them while knowing that you don't have to act on them. With sobriety, we have this option, and it's something to be grateful for.

I think gratitude is another major component of this whole process. When we're not grateful, we become self-pitying and self-absorbed. This is what leads to using. I'd much rather be clean and thinking about using than using and thinking about getting clean. That's something I always try to remind myself of whenever I get the occasional fantasy.

Take care friend

Windytown4

[QUOTE=racingthoughts;6495861] . I'd much rather be clean and thinking about using than using and thinking about getting clean.

yes

nonpiu420

Teo, keep it going bro. I'm early in my recovery, but I have the same fears as you are expressing. The thought of not smoking again really gets at me. I was / am a slave to marijuana. I stopped Friday and threw a fit and broke down yesterday after only three days. I hope to not make that mistake again. You're struggles sound so much like what I expect to go through, but it gives me strength to see that you have stuck with it for so long while you have these thoughts. Can't wait to not feel like I need to smoke morning, afternoon, night and anytime in between to feel normal and survive as I have been doing for 30 years.

teodor

Hi Folks,

So a little update.
After long postponing and rationalizing (more like trying to) I decided to give it a try and smoked some. It was Sunday evening and I smoked the next two days as well.

What happened ?
Well, I didn't found the epiphany I was looking for. There were maybe a few moments were I felt something like it, but not exactly. I mean moments like when you realize something or an idea comes. Remember how I said I wanted to see things from another perspective etc.

I felt like I had this great idea, but actually first of all I'm not sure if it's that good and even if it was - I think it's super hard to act on any good idea while high.

This is something other that I noticed ... sometimes when high you get this like ideas, or realizations like - "I need to organize and clean my house and be grateful for what I have" and at the moment while high you start fantasizing how you would do it or you might even (in some occasions) start doing it, but that's all temporary. Weed just makes you fantasize and fantasize - but you literally don't have the motivation and energy to act on those ideas - good or bad. All you want is to be high and fantasize some more. And even when you do things - you're high and the quality is lower. And the ideas and realizations you get feel like the best thing ever at the moment. This is why maybe people think weed makes you creative - more like - it makes you feel more creative, rather that actually be. And again - even if you get good ideas, there's a little chance that you'll actually act on them and get them done properly.

Honestly - I've forgotten what it was like .... I felt like I had no energy. My confidence was gone. Gee, it was even hard to talk the way I use to, I mean my mouth was all dry and like swollen or I dunno even hours after I've smoked. It's hard to express your ideas, it's hard to stand your ground. I was at a meeting with a client and it felt bad ... and I remembered that it used to be that way!!! I would be high, struggling trough the meetings and etc, wanting to go home and "reward" myself by getting high again.

And the slavery ... right on next morning after I smoked for the first time I wanted to smoke more ... I didn't even wanted to eat or anything - I mean it was like before - "Ohhh, I've to eat before I can smoke .. pffff". And that's awful.

It really quickly got me, drained me of my energy, made me take some more bad decisions that I now regret, made me start postponing work again even more and overall it made me more unhappy!

To be honest - I like the person that I've started to be while not smoking and while not doing some other things as well.

I don't think that there's a lot to be found in weed. I think it is an illusion. A really strong illusion. And a dangerous one. Because weed really grabs you fast ... I had this before ... not sure if I like it, but I continue to smoke up to the point where I do it all day everyday and I forget what it was like being sober.

I know that I must stay vigilant now. I'm on the beginning of Day 3 after the lapse (I don't intend to reset the clock, I still feel like I've those 4 months). I'm saying lapse, but not relapse, because I think there's difference. I read a post about it (not related to smoking but still), that there are slips, lapses and relapses.

I definitely had a lapse, but not relapse.

Writing all this I don't know if I'm safe about smoking. I still have this dream kind of to go to Netherlands and get high on different strains etc, try mushrooms maybe as well.

But ... I have this other dream as well ... to build a life, a sober one, where I feel confident and happy with myself, where I'm not addicted and a slave, where I and those around me feel proud of what I am and what I've achieved.

For anyone thinking about relapsing or giving up - don't.
You will not find anything new. Even if you do, it will be very temporary.

Sober life has it's ups and downs. And it's beautiful. During those 4 months I relearned to be happy about the little things, to enjoy life more, to be more confident, more organized, to have goals and to try to reach them. It's like building a new life. Yeah, something it might feel a little boring and etc, but boy - I felt boring while smoking too as well!

Weed takes all that away. It takes away your dreams (oh, you dream and fantasize a lot, but you barely do anything about it), your self confidence, your energy and step by step - your life.

I hope that after I wrote and I hope understood all this I'll be strong enough to not give in. Honestly, I'm a little bit scared to not lapse or relapse again.

It came a long post and I'm sure there's a lot more to add to it.
Anyway - hot much time you think I'll need to flush all the THC out of my system and get back to where I was a couple of days ago ?

Thank you for being here, this community means a lot to me!

Dee74

I kept going back too - just to check, but it really was diminishing returns.

I found reality was way way better than being high - and I was way way better too.

Good to see you back Teodor

D