I have been avoiding this forum
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
mm, you said, "To live sober seemed like a nightmare" and yet we were living in the nightmare of addiction. It's only when we escape that that nightmare that clarity happens and we can see how skewed things were.
There are so many positives to getting sober, but clarity is pretty high on the list.
Glad you are doing well!
There are so many positives to getting sober, but clarity is pretty high on the list.
Glad you are doing well!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
Hi everyone! Day 39. Lynn made a post in her thread about how she felt when she first quit 2 months ago, which inspired me to do something similar. A reflection of sorts, anyway.
I am 100% more focused and productive, probably more. It's incredible what i'm capable of without the fog enveloping my brain 24/7. My job, especially. I've always had a strong work ethic, but in addiction my #1 priority was getting (more) high, always. I would half ass work and leave it unfinished. Not any more! My boss has actually had me running projects myself, which I am very proud of myself for. It's so great that I can be accountable all the time.
I'm noticing my posts and journal entries are a lot more articulate and clear headed. Words come to me much easier than before, and I seem to be able to translate my thoughts and feelings onto paper (screen) with an ease I forgot I was capable of. I was always a great writer in school, but when I was high all the time i'd always second/third guess whatever I was writing, constantly be deleting and rewriting, being unable to follow my own train of thought, etc.
I can TALK to people!! This ties into being more articulate in general, but also i'm not thinking about how much of an addict I am 24/7 or when I can get high next, so there's nothing to distract me from focusing on people around me and engaging in actual meaningful conversation.
I've reconnected with some old friends who I left behind during my spiral into addiction. It's refreshing to say the least.
I find myself able to apologize FAR easier than I used to, to notice when i'm wrong, and just keep track of my feelings in general. When smoking my emotions seemed to be just a big blur, a sort of mess of different colors all thrown together that ended up as depression.
I'm able to just sit around and relax, or lie in the sun and take a nap. I was always anxious when smoking and in early sobriety. My mind would always wander back to getting high, because that seemed like the only thing to do. Now, I have ongoing projects, i'm teaching myself things solely because i'm interested in them, and i'm trying new activities. It's like a door into life opened up by putting down the bong.
I'm finally finding out who I am as a person. I've been chemically altered for so long I just really never got a chance to find out.
I have a lot more money. I never fully realized just how much addiction costs financially. I'm talking more than just the price of the weed itself, which was around $4-500 a month for me. The cost of junk food, leaving work early to get high, gas to drive to the dealers, cost of buying stuff simply because I was depressed, cost of eating out because I was always too lazy to cook for myself. The list goes on. Needless to say my bank account is very happy.
I am 100% more focused and productive, probably more. It's incredible what i'm capable of without the fog enveloping my brain 24/7. My job, especially. I've always had a strong work ethic, but in addiction my #1 priority was getting (more) high, always. I would half ass work and leave it unfinished. Not any more! My boss has actually had me running projects myself, which I am very proud of myself for. It's so great that I can be accountable all the time.
I'm noticing my posts and journal entries are a lot more articulate and clear headed. Words come to me much easier than before, and I seem to be able to translate my thoughts and feelings onto paper (screen) with an ease I forgot I was capable of. I was always a great writer in school, but when I was high all the time i'd always second/third guess whatever I was writing, constantly be deleting and rewriting, being unable to follow my own train of thought, etc.
I can TALK to people!! This ties into being more articulate in general, but also i'm not thinking about how much of an addict I am 24/7 or when I can get high next, so there's nothing to distract me from focusing on people around me and engaging in actual meaningful conversation.
I've reconnected with some old friends who I left behind during my spiral into addiction. It's refreshing to say the least.
I find myself able to apologize FAR easier than I used to, to notice when i'm wrong, and just keep track of my feelings in general. When smoking my emotions seemed to be just a big blur, a sort of mess of different colors all thrown together that ended up as depression.
I'm able to just sit around and relax, or lie in the sun and take a nap. I was always anxious when smoking and in early sobriety. My mind would always wander back to getting high, because that seemed like the only thing to do. Now, I have ongoing projects, i'm teaching myself things solely because i'm interested in them, and i'm trying new activities. It's like a door into life opened up by putting down the bong.
I'm finally finding out who I am as a person. I've been chemically altered for so long I just really never got a chance to find out.
I have a lot more money. I never fully realized just how much addiction costs financially. I'm talking more than just the price of the weed itself, which was around $4-500 a month for me. The cost of junk food, leaving work early to get high, gas to drive to the dealers, cost of buying stuff simply because I was depressed, cost of eating out because I was always too lazy to cook for myself. The list goes on. Needless to say my bank account is very happy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
HI GUYS!
Sorry for being MIA. I don't really have any excuses, just haven't turned my computer on much. I've been reading the alcoholism/newcomers forums a fair bit. I want to keep up with my posting here though, for accountability if nothing else.
Still sober! I'm going to be 30 on the 10th of september. This will be my first completely sober birthday in...well, i'm not sure, so i'm just going to say my first sober birthday ever! It sure feels like it! I'm really happy and proud to be entering my 30s clean from all drugs and alcohol.
Nothing really too significant to report, although i've been hanging around the house probably more than I should be. I've been dipping my toes back into the dating scene, and reconnected with a girl I was with a few years ago. One thing I noticed with dating, is it tends to be all I focus on when i'm involved in it. I need to be careful of that, because i'm still early in sobriety and I need to focus on that first and foremost. That means posting here more often!
I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I reconnected with some friends I had left behind in my addictions, so that's a plus. These are sober people, by the way (hence why I left them behind, lol).
My appetite has leveled out, and i'm staying consistent with my exercise regimen. I'm also very happy to report that I have barely think about getting high or even weed at all. I really just never knew that could even happen. I figured i'd be thinking about it constantly for the rest of my life.
I feel like I still want to be more involved in the recovery scene. Now that i'm totally clean, I would like to help others. Just kind of thinking out loud, I suppose...I just have to go out there and do it. Of course, I guess I already do to an extent on these forums.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. And thank you for checking up on me, Lynn! I see you are still going strong, too! Glad sleep is leveling out for you.
Sorry for being MIA. I don't really have any excuses, just haven't turned my computer on much. I've been reading the alcoholism/newcomers forums a fair bit. I want to keep up with my posting here though, for accountability if nothing else.
Still sober! I'm going to be 30 on the 10th of september. This will be my first completely sober birthday in...well, i'm not sure, so i'm just going to say my first sober birthday ever! It sure feels like it! I'm really happy and proud to be entering my 30s clean from all drugs and alcohol.
Nothing really too significant to report, although i've been hanging around the house probably more than I should be. I've been dipping my toes back into the dating scene, and reconnected with a girl I was with a few years ago. One thing I noticed with dating, is it tends to be all I focus on when i'm involved in it. I need to be careful of that, because i'm still early in sobriety and I need to focus on that first and foremost. That means posting here more often!
I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I reconnected with some friends I had left behind in my addictions, so that's a plus. These are sober people, by the way (hence why I left them behind, lol).
My appetite has leveled out, and i'm staying consistent with my exercise regimen. I'm also very happy to report that I have barely think about getting high or even weed at all. I really just never knew that could even happen. I figured i'd be thinking about it constantly for the rest of my life.
I feel like I still want to be more involved in the recovery scene. Now that i'm totally clean, I would like to help others. Just kind of thinking out loud, I suppose...I just have to go out there and do it. Of course, I guess I already do to an extent on these forums.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. And thank you for checking up on me, Lynn! I see you are still going strong, too! Glad sleep is leveling out for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
Hi guys. I want to be honest because, well, this is the place for it. I haven't been feeling well the past few days. I'm depressed, I suppose, and have just been having a tough time. I don't feel very interested in anything, I feel unwanted, disconnected, sometimes angry. I guess maybe i'd just thought getting sober would cause a lot of positive things to happen in my life. In some ways I feel like i'm doing the same stuff minus getting high.
I think the worst part is that when I think about getting high again I just feel like there's no way that will make me happy (it won't). It's a really bad place to be in: i'm not happy sober right now, and i'm not happy with the idea of getting high, either. I don't know...i do not feel like i'm close to relapsing or anything, just...down. I've had several fleeting thoughts of drinking, too, like just destroying myself. I think it just stems from feeling fed up. It's just my AV piping up, I suppose. Attempting to date has been frustrating as well, so I probably shouldn't even be doing it. I need to focus on myself more, but how do I do that when i've lost motivation? It's like I just don't care any more.
Any words of encouragement would be welcome. That's why I posted here instead of just continuing to mope around. I'm coming up on 60 days sober and my 30th birthday, and I guess I just hoped i'd be a much different person. I know it's still early in sobriety.
This is just me reaching out.
I hope everyone else is doing well. Stay sober! This post might be a bummer, but I know sobriety is worth it.
I think the worst part is that when I think about getting high again I just feel like there's no way that will make me happy (it won't). It's a really bad place to be in: i'm not happy sober right now, and i'm not happy with the idea of getting high, either. I don't know...i do not feel like i'm close to relapsing or anything, just...down. I've had several fleeting thoughts of drinking, too, like just destroying myself. I think it just stems from feeling fed up. It's just my AV piping up, I suppose. Attempting to date has been frustrating as well, so I probably shouldn't even be doing it. I need to focus on myself more, but how do I do that when i've lost motivation? It's like I just don't care any more.
Any words of encouragement would be welcome. That's why I posted here instead of just continuing to mope around. I'm coming up on 60 days sober and my 30th birthday, and I guess I just hoped i'd be a much different person. I know it's still early in sobriety.
This is just me reaching out.
I hope everyone else is doing well. Stay sober! This post might be a bummer, but I know sobriety is worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi mm
when I get down I try and force myself out the door - get a little sun on me.
I also try and surround myself with normality - even washing dishes can be therapeutic. I watch old TV shows or movies I like.
The difference nowadays is I know the low mood will pass - it's just a bad day or few days. not bad months or years like it was in active addiction.
coming up on 60 days is a great milestone too - but a lot of people feel a little down around anniversaries
I think maybe it's a little too soon to see a lot of real change to our lives but often just long enough to forget the bad parts of addictions?
I had to work on patience.
I had to accept that just stopping smoking wasn't going to solve all my problems .
I wanted to be fixed NOW...not in 6 months time and that was frustrating.
I'm glad I stuck with it tho - and I know you will be too MM
D
when I get down I try and force myself out the door - get a little sun on me.
I also try and surround myself with normality - even washing dishes can be therapeutic. I watch old TV shows or movies I like.
The difference nowadays is I know the low mood will pass - it's just a bad day or few days. not bad months or years like it was in active addiction.
coming up on 60 days is a great milestone too - but a lot of people feel a little down around anniversaries
I think maybe it's a little too soon to see a lot of real change to our lives but often just long enough to forget the bad parts of addictions?
I had to work on patience.
I had to accept that just stopping smoking wasn't going to solve all my problems .
I wanted to be fixed NOW...not in 6 months time and that was frustrating.
I'm glad I stuck with it tho - and I know you will be too MM
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
First off I want to say Happy Birthday.
30 is a big one and sometimes expectations can be depressing.
Research PAWS. I've dealt with it quite a bit in my recovery. A while ago when you asked me if I was okay, that I wasn't sounding like my normal upbeat self, I brushed aside how I was feeling. But I was down (I should have been truthful) and it lasted about 3 days. It always lasts 3 days. It was really, REALLY bad when I quit booze. I thought I was going insane, but it got better and better as time marched on. I thought it wouldn't affect me when I quit pot, but it did. The great thing is it's only temporary.
My recommendation would be to amp up your exercise, focus on eating right (especially stay away from sugar) and pamper yourself.
And don't be hard on yourself. Don't expect too much. 60 days is just the beginning, your brain is still healing.
I congratulate you for posting about your feelings and for your 60 days of sobriety (awesome!).
We understand and we care.
30 is a big one and sometimes expectations can be depressing.
Research PAWS. I've dealt with it quite a bit in my recovery. A while ago when you asked me if I was okay, that I wasn't sounding like my normal upbeat self, I brushed aside how I was feeling. But I was down (I should have been truthful) and it lasted about 3 days. It always lasts 3 days. It was really, REALLY bad when I quit booze. I thought I was going insane, but it got better and better as time marched on. I thought it wouldn't affect me when I quit pot, but it did. The great thing is it's only temporary.
My recommendation would be to amp up your exercise, focus on eating right (especially stay away from sugar) and pamper yourself.
And don't be hard on yourself. Don't expect too much. 60 days is just the beginning, your brain is still healing.
I congratulate you for posting about your feelings and for your 60 days of sobriety (awesome!).
We understand and we care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
I want to thank both of you for your kind responses. They really, truly mean a great deal to me. I am so thankful I began this journey with this community at my side.
You are both, of course, right on all counts. I'm feeling a bit better this morning. Can't say I feel like doing much, but i'm totally OK with that. I want to just reflect on the simply incredible fact that i'm entering the third decade of my life, SOBER. Completely, truly, 100% sober.
You are both, of course, right on all counts. I'm feeling a bit better this morning. Can't say I feel like doing much, but i'm totally OK with that. I want to just reflect on the simply incredible fact that i'm entering the third decade of my life, SOBER. Completely, truly, 100% sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
And congratulations on your choice of sobriety at such a young age. That is one regret I have, that it took so long for me to get here.
You have your whole life ahead of you. What a wonderful gift. Being nearly twice your age, I do not.
Embrace it, my friend. You are indeed fortunate. Don't ever forget that.
You have your whole life ahead of you. What a wonderful gift. Being nearly twice your age, I do not.
Embrace it, my friend. You are indeed fortunate. Don't ever forget that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
Hi Lynn! Birthday was nice and quiet, which is what I wanted. Still sober and going strong. I have a pretty unbelievable story to share with you guys but I am very busy so will have to write about it later when I can sit down at my computer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
OK! I finally have a minute to sit down and write about this week.
So that girl I reconnected with; i'll make this short, but on Tuesday I found out that not only is she an alcoholic and has been drinking constantly for months, but she went into delerium tremens (yes, delerium tremens, the most severe form of withdrawal), WHILE I WAS TALKING TO HER. I had to force her to put her dad on the phone to make sure that he was not a hallucination and was in fact there to take her to the hospital.
She got out of ICU at the end of the day wednesday, and has been slowly improving in a general care unit. I've been spending most of my time with her, as well as sharing my experiences with both her and her parents.
I cannot begin to tell you how grateful this experience has made me to not only be a) SOBER, but b) able to be a lifeline for someone who is suffering as I did. This gift of being able to communicate and empathize with someone who is at their most vulnerable is absolutely priceless, and worth every ounce of discomfort it took me to achieve sobriety.
I obviously cannot hold myself responsible for her continued sobriety, but I am here to gently guide her into a long term treatment that she finds appropriate for her, and offer my experience and hope.
I don't really believe in fate or anything, but this experience has almost been surreal. She very well may have died if I was not there to threaten to call 911 if she didn't reach out for medical assistance on her own.
I probably don't have to mention that getting high has been the absolute last thing on my mind.
I hope everyone is doing well.
So that girl I reconnected with; i'll make this short, but on Tuesday I found out that not only is she an alcoholic and has been drinking constantly for months, but she went into delerium tremens (yes, delerium tremens, the most severe form of withdrawal), WHILE I WAS TALKING TO HER. I had to force her to put her dad on the phone to make sure that he was not a hallucination and was in fact there to take her to the hospital.
She got out of ICU at the end of the day wednesday, and has been slowly improving in a general care unit. I've been spending most of my time with her, as well as sharing my experiences with both her and her parents.
I cannot begin to tell you how grateful this experience has made me to not only be a) SOBER, but b) able to be a lifeline for someone who is suffering as I did. This gift of being able to communicate and empathize with someone who is at their most vulnerable is absolutely priceless, and worth every ounce of discomfort it took me to achieve sobriety.
I obviously cannot hold myself responsible for her continued sobriety, but I am here to gently guide her into a long term treatment that she finds appropriate for her, and offer my experience and hope.
I don't really believe in fate or anything, but this experience has almost been surreal. She very well may have died if I was not there to threaten to call 911 if she didn't reach out for medical assistance on her own.
I probably don't have to mention that getting high has been the absolute last thing on my mind.
I hope everyone is doing well.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I'm glad you were there MM - but I'm also glad you reallise she has her recovery journey and you yours.
Trying to help someone in a life lurching from crisis to crisis can be difficult sometimes remembering our own recovery takes precedence.
D
Trying to help someone in a life lurching from crisis to crisis can be difficult sometimes remembering our own recovery takes precedence.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: CT
Posts: 128
Hello my dear SR friends!
It's been a hectic 10 days or so. The girl I mentioned is now home and beginning her own journey toward recovery. An interesting episode in my life, to be sure.
It's now over, however, and I continue with my normal routine!
Still sober! I had a drinking dream last night, and woke up almost panicking. I was SO relieved that it was a dream. I feel like you're in a pretty good place when those relapse dreams are nightmares rather than good dreams.
I am 67 days sober today and feeling good. I've been very busy at work. My newfound sense of motivation and clear headedness seem to be paying off, as my boss is assigning me more challenging projects to handle all by myself. It's satisfying, to say the least.
Been missing the gym more frequently than i'd like to, but such is life sometimes. Work sometimes gets in the way of that. I'm glad I have a physically demanding job so I don't feel too guilty about not going about my normal workout routine.
I hope everyone is doing well!
It's been a hectic 10 days or so. The girl I mentioned is now home and beginning her own journey toward recovery. An interesting episode in my life, to be sure.
It's now over, however, and I continue with my normal routine!
Still sober! I had a drinking dream last night, and woke up almost panicking. I was SO relieved that it was a dream. I feel like you're in a pretty good place when those relapse dreams are nightmares rather than good dreams.
I am 67 days sober today and feeling good. I've been very busy at work. My newfound sense of motivation and clear headedness seem to be paying off, as my boss is assigning me more challenging projects to handle all by myself. It's satisfying, to say the least.
Been missing the gym more frequently than i'd like to, but such is life sometimes. Work sometimes gets in the way of that. I'm glad I have a physically demanding job so I don't feel too guilty about not going about my normal workout routine.
I hope everyone is doing well!
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