lynnmarie123

How's it going, mm?

mm1741

Lynn, first of all thanks for checking in. I've been a little bummed out and tired today. I am on day 25, though, with no thoughts of going back. I just dragged my ass to the gym and am typing from my phone so I'll make a more detailed post when I get home

mm1741

OK, did some cardio and had a good sweat. I feel a bit better.
Sooo...i'm still sober! 25 days today...never thought i'd do it. I'm amazed at how absolutely little I think about weed. And, even when I do think about it, it's never 'I feel like getting high.' Usually just a bad memory of it or a simple reminder that it exists.
Something pretty neat happened last night, too. When I first got sober I was always worried about being able to fall asleep. Like, is it too early to go to bed? Am I even tired? What if I wake up and can't go back to sleep? The past week or so that has died down quite a bit, but last night I was working on a project and was so involved that the next thing I knew I was yawning and it was 10:30. Like without even thinking about it. And I slept in (until 7AM, lol which is late for me)! Not sure if that whole thing even makes sense, but I found it cool that I just fell asleep naturally without even thinking about it. I guess I just have no clue what a normal sleep rhythm is like, or what mine is supposed to be.
My dreams have started to normalize, too. I'm still having them, of course, but they aren't nearly as vivid as they were.
I've been rather tired lately, especially when I get home. Work hasn't even been all that stressful, but i've still been taking a nap when I get home and then going to sleep somewhat early, and sleeping through the night. I suppose that isn't a terrible thing, but I think secretly I was hoping to just be bursting with motivation and ideas and projects.
I still have basically zero friends, but I haven't done anything about it so I have only myself to blame. I keep telling myself to get involved in the local NA/AA groups. What I really want to do is help others. Like I mentioned above, though, i've felt really unmotivated and kinda tired overall. I'm not sure if this is still withdrawal symptoms or what, but my friend who has over a year clean and used to smoke like me said up to about 5 or 6 weeks he felt kinda spacey and lazy sometimes. I think he took a drug test after 5 weeks and still was positive, despite being pretty thin and having a very active physical job with lots of sweating. I'm trying to be patient about it all, but it sucks being lonely all the time.
I think i'm just kinda venting; obviously i'm not going to meet people by sitting around my house all day being lazy. I guess, like I said, i'm just not sure if i'm still experiencing effects from weed. Considering how much I smoked, it wouldn't surprise me.
Anyway, how are you, Lynn? I saw in your other thread you made 7 weeks. That is so awesome, and i'm so glad sleep is leveling out for you.

lynnmarie123

Try not to be too hard on yourself or expect too much. You are very early into the recovery process (me too!) I'm sure you are still feeling the effects from weed. I think I am too. Tried to do some simple math and had the hardest time. I'm not stupid, but I sure felt like it.
How is your diet? Not too much pizza and ice cream, I hope! lol! I find quality food energizing. Too many animal products can be hard to digest and that can be exhausting. Raw foods are very energizing.
But you certainly sound great with the sleep issue. That is such a huge thing. I wouldn't be surprised if sleep could still be an issue long after all trace of cannabinoids are out of the body.
So anyway, I am doing really well, thanks for asking. Staying positive and focused. I've got a goal of 3.5 months clean, which is when I went off the rails last winter.
Thanks for the update. I always want to hear how you are doing. Even the bad stuff!
Take Care!

mm1741

Thanks for the response Lynn. You're like my go-to person on the weed boards, lol. I hope i'm as helpful to you as you are to me.

Ugh, I hear you 100% on the math thing. Weed DESTROYED my ability to do any math. I took advanced math courses in high school, too, before I made friends with the bong.
LOL, no steady diet of pizza and ice cream, fortunately. My diet is pretty good, I love vegetables and my dad is a great cook (way better than me, any way). My job makes it really hard to not eat out fairly frequently, but i'm good at making decent choices.
My main problem is eating ENOUGH. As in, just enough calories total. LIke I said, I love vegetables, but the caloric content of carrots and greens is essentially zero. I'm quite certain i'm gluten intolerant, too (my sister is fully allergic to it, and it runs in families), which means I avoid that whenever I can. It makes me really tired and foggy, but it also removes from my diet a large portion of carbohydrate based foods that are almost everywhere.
I don't function very well on low carbohydrate diets (a ketogenic diet would be sub 100g/day), so carbs are a fairly important source of calories for me. I don't eat fast food, and now that I don't smoke any more I eat almost no sugar/candy. I used to live off junk food when I was high all the time. The difference is just night and day.
I suppose a part of it could just be a lack of appetite due to withdrawal. I never wanted to eat unless I smoked. My appetite has been coming back slowly, although I find some days i'm just so tired and worn out from gym and work that I just need to face a pizza or a big chinese food meal or something similar. I'm hoping it'll all level off so my appetite is consistent.

Thanks again for the reply. It means a lot.

lynnmarie123

Yes! I find our interactions very helpful, as well. Not only for bouncing ideas off each other, but for commiseration and accountability. Thank you!

Your appetite could take some time coming back. Unfortunately, mine returned too soon and too well! Haha!
I'm sorry your energy level is so low. That has to suck. All I can recommend is time. Surely all things will find their level point by 2-3 months? Man, I sure hope they do.
In the mean time take it easy and keep on keeping on!

mm1741

Hi everyone! Today is day 30!! I still can't believe I made it this far. I feel better every day. My dreams for whatever reason leveled out ,but the past few days they've been pretty crazy. Or maybe they're just regular dreams; I don't know, I haven't dreamt in so long. I've been feeling way more outgoing and mentally sharper than I was when I was smoking.
I read a journal I had started the last time I quit and I was pretty taken aback at how absolutely depressed I was. Suicidal, even. The difference between then and now is just astounding. It's a good reminder of what I never want to go back to. The best part is I know i've only begun to feel the benefits of quitting, and I only expect to improve from here on out.

For anyone who wants to quit: do it. It's worth it. It's worth every second of discomfort. I NEVER, EVER thought i'd be able to do it. I tried so many times, so absurdly many times, and failed. The thought of going a even a day without smoking was enough to send me into a panic, and making a month seemed to be so far beyond my grasp it may as well have been science fiction. But...here I am. Life just opens up when you aren't enslaved to a substance.
Take care, everyone.

PS: How's it going lynn???

Dee74

Thats great mm - congratulations!

lynnmarie123

I am SO happy for you. A whole month! That is fantastic. It's such a wonderful feeling to be in control. YOU are driving the car now.
What do you think is the difference between quitting this time and last time and all the other times you quit and failed?

Thanks for asking about me. You always make me smile.
I wish I felt great today, but insomnia has kicked my a$$ last couple of nights. Only about 4 hours last night, if I was lucky. At almost 2 months, I'd like to continue to blame it on detox, but I'm not sure how much longer I can ride that train. It just could be part of aging.
Also the sweats came back yesterday. Seems I couldn't regulate my body temp. I was either running hot or cold. Could be lack of sleep, I suppose. I seem to be looking to blame how I'm doing on something. Maybe it's just the way it is.
Other than that, I am feeling strong. Not craving or wishing or romancing the weed. I'm done and there's no going back.
Glad you posted and so happy you are doing well!

mm1741

That's a good question, Lynn. I'm glad you asked. It was one I kinda had to think about.
I think the main thing is I was just finally totally fed up. Just finally reached a point where I absolutely knew that my only chance at happiness was to at least try sobriety. When you're getting high and all you can think about is how you SHOULDN'T be getting high, you're in a bad place. I was in that place all the time, every time I smoked.
The truth is, I knew I had a problem with weed for years. I had problems with other drugs, too, and especially alcohol, but I was able to supplant all those with weed. Weed was my first drug to use, and the last one to quit. I suppose, in a way, it represented ALL of my addictions; my general need to depend on a substance to cope with life. I've been in the recovery 'scene' for so long, and I knew exactly what had to be done, but I just couldn't do it. Which brings me to my next point: reaching out.
I reached out this time. In particular, and I know I keep mentioning him, I actually told my dad that I wanted to quit. He always knew I was smoking, and knew I was unhappy, but to bring it out in the open and expose the addiction took a massive weight off my shoulders. Addiction thrives on isolation, and if I was anything it was isolated. Only a select few of my closest friends (the ones I had left, anyway) knew how deeply sad I was. But telling someone whose opinion I value dearly, who I don't want to disappoint, and who can be there to ask me how i'm doing made an absolute world of difference.
It doesn't have to be a parent, or a family member, obviously. I think the main thing is just reaching out; getting support, and continuing to get support when you're feeling weak. That means SR, NA/AA, community groups, etc. This was so crucial in the first few weeks for me, because that was always the absolute hardest.
It kinda goes hand in hand with how damn long it takes weed to exit your system. Not only do you have to deal with not using a drug to deal with problems, you're also facing these (sometimes severe) withdrawal symptoms at the same time, and for weeks! Having constant support (that includes you, Lynn, and everyone on the SR boards), to hold my hand as I made my first steps into sobriety was key.
Umm...I hope that made sense, lol. I do feel like I can articulate myself a lot better now.

Anyway, to you. I am SO sorry to hear about the insomnia. It can just be so incredibly frustrating. The temp regulation is something I dealt with, too. Are you maybe getting sick? I definitely feel physically ill when I am running on too little sleep.
How's your caffeine intake? Judging by your posts I assume it's low/controlled, so I kind of doubt that's the issue. And you said you've been exercising, which is important for me in terms of sleep. Low carbohydrate intake can make it tough for me to sleep, as can electrolyte imbalances. I sweat a lot between work and the gym so it's something I have to keep an eye on. Everyone is wired differently, though, so those might not apply to you.
I guess it could also just be a normal part of being sober. How have you been trying to deal with it? Do you lay in bed and worry about not being able to sleep? Or get up and try to distract yourself? Do you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep (or both)? I still have a rough night here or there.

lynnmarie123

Articulate is right! So very well said and well thought out.

"I think the main thing is I was just finally totally fed up. Just finally reached a point where I absolutely knew that my only chance at happiness was to at least try sobriety. When you're getting high and all you can think about is how you SHOULDN'T be getting high, you're in a bad place. I was in that place all the time, every time I smoked.
The truth is, I knew I had a problem with weed for years. I had problems with other drugs, too, and especially alcohol, but I was able to supplant all those with weed. Weed was my first drug to use, and the last one to quit. I suppose, in a way, it represented ALL of my addictions; my general need to depend on a substance to cope with life."
OMG. This is me. I could have written this (except not as well!)
Very few people know I have addictions. My hubby knows and is supportive, but it doesn't go much farther than that. I feel I need to tell my sister about being an alcoholic. She knows about the weed, knows I smoked to excess but I don't think she sees it as big of a problem as I do. After all, it's what she does too.
I feel I need to tell my son, as well. He knows I've quit booze, but not the reasons why. He doesn't know I've quit weed. I feel it's important to tell him so he knows what to look for, knows there's a risk for him too. He really likes booze.. a lot, and that worries me. He's a loner and that worries me too. Isolation and all that. One day we'll have that talk.
I am so glad you joined the forum. I really needed to connect with someone, to have deep and meaningful conversations. I think it is a really important part of recovery.

lynnmarie123

Did you notice how I just brushed aside the sleep issue? I guess I'm tired (no pun intended!) of complaining about it. After 2 horrible nights, I really didn't feel up to talking about it. However, I got a fantastic 8 hours last night and feel on top of the world this morning! YES!!!
There really seems to be no rhyme or reason for the insomnia. After a 5 mile walk in the morning, I'll fall into bed achy and exhausted and then end up tossing and turning. It's usually a restless sleep, waking every hour and seeing the clock tick by in one hour increments. If I were to be completely awake, I'd probably get up.
I have to confess that I have been dabbling in chocolate after dinner (sugarless, still not falling back on that addiction!) and if eaten too late can cause problems. I should just cut it out completely. But I've cut out enough things in my life. I'm not going to start wearing a hair shirt now!
Thanks for your concern. It means a lot!

mm1741

Isn't it amazing how we feel like we're totally alone when we are using; that no one else could possibly have our same story? When in reality, the patterns between fellow addicts are unbelievable similar. It really, in my opinion, gives credit to the disease theory of addiction - we share so many habits, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, etc about it. I'm so very happy you can relate to mine!
I completely understand your feelings regarding your family. My dad, and mother, although supportive, are not addicts themselves. They simply do not understand what it's like to literally have another entity inside you constantly telling you to destroy yourself.
My brother, like your sister, smokes a ton of weed. He smokes as much as I did, in fact. It was our main thing to do together. He's a heavy drinker, too, as is his girlfriend. I've kind of been avoiding him for now, although I did tell him i'm over a month clean and he was supportive...and, I think, a little shocked. I was always the 'troubled one' growing up; I had the drug problems, drinking problem, lack of direction, unhealthy relationships, etc. I feel like, as you mentioned, so many people think it's not such a terrible habit. After all, my brother has a good job and at least seems happy on the outside, so what's the big deal? He wasn't doing heroin and getting arrested like I was in my early 20s.
As for your son, I do not have children of my own, but I know DAMN well what it's like to be the addicted child and the profound effect it had on my parents. I feel a lot of regret for the problems I caused. On the other hand, I feel like your son has an advantage in that you've been through addiction and know precisely what it is. I've mentioned it before, but no one knows how addiction feels but an addict. I don't know much of your relationship with him, but I think talking to him about it is a good idea. At the least, you can let him know how it affected YOU, and the warning signs to look out for.
I know what it's like to not talk about problems with family. My father's side is very traditional Italian, and they just don't discuss problems. We never had a close, intimate relationship where we could openly discuss feelings. I finally took the step to open up that door. And you know what? It was uncomfortable at first, of course, but our relationship is better than ever now. I can come home and immediately tell him how I feel, and he can provide support. Since my mother isn't an addict, and my brother and sister never had addiction issues like me, it just wasn't something I felt comfortable discussing. But by exposing my addiction, it makes it weaker. And, I hope, might make my brother realize he may have a problem, too, and come to me for support one day.
All I can say is to break that barrier. It's worth it.

Probably don't need to tell you, chocolate has caffeine obviously. Might want to switch to something else. I know, I know...you don't tell a chocolate lover just to not eat chocolate, but maybe try having it earlier and see if it affects you differently.
When you say you quit sugar, do you mean just processed sugar? Or do you eat fruit, etc? I found fruit to be a great substitute for candy/etc, although I don't crave it too much now. I've also been eating an ice cream called Halo Top which is only like 320 kcal per pint. Pretty sure it's made for binge eaters. It's kind of a moot point, though, because I don't have much of a problem eating junk now that i'm not high all the time.

Oh, I am SO glad you slept well, too. That's a great feeling to wake up after a solid 8. Maybe still withdrawals? Like I mentioned, I still have a crappy night here and there.

mm1741

OH, I just want to add for anyone else reading this thread - PLEASE FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN! I don't want to make it seem like a private conversation. I made this thread to ultimately help others take steps toward sobriety, and let them know they aren't alone in weed addiction.

Dee74

no worries mm

D

Dee74

I get periodic insomnia from the meds I'm on - I make sure I have any caffeine in the morning and try to avoid it after lunch.

A little light exercise seems to help too.

D

mm1741

Hi everyone! Wanted to give a quick update. Day 36 and I NEVER want to go back to how I was. I can't believe how much better I feel every day. My mind and body (especially mind) are just improving far beyond what I anticipated. I don't even think about weed, or going back to using, or getting high. I know I still have to be vigilante, and will likely have to be throughout my entire life, but it's a small price to pay in order to be free of the chains I lived in for so very long. I've been very busy with work and other projects i've started in my free time, but I still read these forums on a regular basis.
I know i've said it before, but I NEVER thought I could do this. It still seems unreal at times. To have a taste of happiness without drugs, REAL happiness, is beyond anything i've ever experienced. To have a fulfilling day, go home, sleep well, wake up, and have another fulfilling day is just miraculous. I've been shoving chemicals into my body since I was 16-17. To live sober seemed like a nightmare, and yet here I am emerging from the shadows and realizing what life really is.
I'm not trying to say i'm on top of the world every day; life is still life, and some days are tough, but in sobriety I am so much more empowered to deal with problems when they arise, to articulate and deal with/understand my feelings, share them with others...please, never think you're hopeless. It's cliche, but if I can do it, anyone can. I mean that 100%.
Take care, everyone.

SonOfTheSun

Hi mm and lynn!
I just wanted to say thank you for this. I read your whole discussion and was impressed with your support for one another and inspired by the personal strength you have both had in tackling this addiction. It is very encouraging to hear how the grogginess will leave and I will be able to focus better on other more important things in my life once I kick this addiction. I am on Day 1 right now, for like the 100th time. But this is the first time I have made an effort to reach out to others in any way. It seems like it was very helpful to you folks so I am giving it a shot.

mm1741

Hi SonoftheSun
Your post really means a lot. I am sincere when I say that. Please keep posting, no matter how you feel. You can start your own thread or post in this one, by all means!
We are here to support each other. Reaching out is SO important, especially early on. Care to share any of your story? I know how difficult it is to articulate and wrap your head around your feelings, let alone write them down, during the first few days. We know what it's like.

lynnmarie123

Welcome to the forum, SonoftheSun!
This certainly is an amazing place. I have been a member for a year and a half and give it full credit in kicking booze and pot. Connecting with others like us is key. Only addicts know how addicts feel.
Like mm1741 said, we are here to support and help each other.
Stay close and post often. It really does help.