Nothing makes sense
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Nothing makes sense
Hello All,
I'm brand new here and am so grateful to have found SR. I have been reading everything I can about marijuana addiction and the implications it has on a non using SO.
Here's my story:
I work on cruise ships and have done so for quite some time. Like everything new, it was a real adventure at the beginning but the sacrifices and endless empty relationships play a toll.
Last year, out of the blue I met a guy, also works on cruise ships. Immediately I was attracted to him and he was to me. We instantly connected and began what was to become the best relationship I have had to date. It was his first relationship and I was proud to be dating him. He was kind, considerate, caring and incredibly affectionate. I would always say, "if someone asked me to describe my ideal man, I wouldn't have ever thought I would find someone as remarkable as him".
We shared our deepest secrets, our goals and our love for each other. Everything was perfect, or so it seemed. I had noticed that he drank a lot but most crew members onboard do so I didn't seem to have an issue with it. He told me that he used to smoke a lot of pot (at home), starting when he was 14 years old. He is now 27. He said that he would smoke all day and hated how he was as he'd sit in his room, on his laptop and not do anything for days. He said he no longer wanted that and wanted to start a life with me.
All was good until we went on vacation and decided to go stay in his city. He said he'd love to try pot with me one time so I could see what it was like. Trying to compromise and show him that I did not judge I agreed. We shared some weed and it wasn't an experience I enjoyed. I told him after the high, "I shared it with you but it's not something I'll do again". He seemed fine with it and said he'll finish the bag of weed and not smoke anymore either.
That one bag never finished. He went from that one time with me to a couple of times a day and before a couple of weeks he was smoking from the moment he woke up, throughout the day, right up until he fell asleep. He would sit there in a dazed state, completely oblivious to my feeling or needs. I came to share his home with him, to travel and experience an opportunity to grow with him on land.
Before long, he started to completely ignore me. He would choice his cell phone and Facebook as a means of entertainment and to laugh and like posts from his many thousands of shallow friend he has accumulated on there.
I felt so betrayed and hurt and the moments I did see some clarity in him, I jumped at those opportunities like a desperate person. Hecwould later tell me that I am suffocating him.
He used to tell me how much he loved me and that I was the love of his life and didn't want to be with anyone else except me. He used to leave me love letters and was so affectionate but all that changed.
One day when I confronted and told him that I wasn't happy he told me that I should leave. Over the course of the next 5 weeks he broke up with me several times. One time he asked me to go away for a while to give him some time to think. I did and when I came back the smoking hadn't subsided nor his attitude changed. He started hanging around his old friends who would all smoke and have no real concern about him as they loved the happy, jovial man he is when he is smoking in a group.
Three weeks ago he told me he wants to be single and asked me to leave. I granted him his wish. The day before I left we both broke down and said that we wanted to be together but I decided to leave still to give him some time and to allow me to find myself again. I have struggled these past three weeks wondering what I did wrong, if I could have changed the outcome. I truly love him and love the relationship we had, when he wasn't smoking.
He would tell me things like he loves me so much and then say, "I'm not attracted to you any longer", "sex is boring". I have always been more adventurous in sex than he and he always told me this so I don't understand why he know says these things. I was crushed with many of the hurtful things he told me. I always took the high road and never talked badly about him or any flaws he had.
Today he text me and told me that he loves me so much but has decided to stay this way (meaning single). He said he will return to ships and wants to be good friends. When he goes onboard he transfers his addiction of weed to marijuana and I know he has had many sex partners in the past so maybe this too is some sort of addiction.
What happened? Why would he declare his love for me? Tell me I was the only one for him? Discuss marriage with me? Places to live? Why would he bring me home and integrate me into his family only to destroy this months later?
I feel so sad and so disappointed. I don't know how this weed took control of his feelings and decisions. I thought I was more to him that this pathetic substance. His father is an addict and he always talks down about his father yet it seems like he is repeating history.
Will there ever be a moment when he looks back and wonders "what did I just lose?" Or will he always justify in his mind that it was for the best?
Sorry for such a long post but I'd appreciate any insight you have to try and help me understand this chaos and how I let the love of my life slip away from me.
I'm brand new here and am so grateful to have found SR. I have been reading everything I can about marijuana addiction and the implications it has on a non using SO.
Here's my story:
I work on cruise ships and have done so for quite some time. Like everything new, it was a real adventure at the beginning but the sacrifices and endless empty relationships play a toll.
Last year, out of the blue I met a guy, also works on cruise ships. Immediately I was attracted to him and he was to me. We instantly connected and began what was to become the best relationship I have had to date. It was his first relationship and I was proud to be dating him. He was kind, considerate, caring and incredibly affectionate. I would always say, "if someone asked me to describe my ideal man, I wouldn't have ever thought I would find someone as remarkable as him".
We shared our deepest secrets, our goals and our love for each other. Everything was perfect, or so it seemed. I had noticed that he drank a lot but most crew members onboard do so I didn't seem to have an issue with it. He told me that he used to smoke a lot of pot (at home), starting when he was 14 years old. He is now 27. He said that he would smoke all day and hated how he was as he'd sit in his room, on his laptop and not do anything for days. He said he no longer wanted that and wanted to start a life with me.
All was good until we went on vacation and decided to go stay in his city. He said he'd love to try pot with me one time so I could see what it was like. Trying to compromise and show him that I did not judge I agreed. We shared some weed and it wasn't an experience I enjoyed. I told him after the high, "I shared it with you but it's not something I'll do again". He seemed fine with it and said he'll finish the bag of weed and not smoke anymore either.
That one bag never finished. He went from that one time with me to a couple of times a day and before a couple of weeks he was smoking from the moment he woke up, throughout the day, right up until he fell asleep. He would sit there in a dazed state, completely oblivious to my feeling or needs. I came to share his home with him, to travel and experience an opportunity to grow with him on land.
Before long, he started to completely ignore me. He would choice his cell phone and Facebook as a means of entertainment and to laugh and like posts from his many thousands of shallow friend he has accumulated on there.
I felt so betrayed and hurt and the moments I did see some clarity in him, I jumped at those opportunities like a desperate person. Hecwould later tell me that I am suffocating him.
He used to tell me how much he loved me and that I was the love of his life and didn't want to be with anyone else except me. He used to leave me love letters and was so affectionate but all that changed.
One day when I confronted and told him that I wasn't happy he told me that I should leave. Over the course of the next 5 weeks he broke up with me several times. One time he asked me to go away for a while to give him some time to think. I did and when I came back the smoking hadn't subsided nor his attitude changed. He started hanging around his old friends who would all smoke and have no real concern about him as they loved the happy, jovial man he is when he is smoking in a group.
Three weeks ago he told me he wants to be single and asked me to leave. I granted him his wish. The day before I left we both broke down and said that we wanted to be together but I decided to leave still to give him some time and to allow me to find myself again. I have struggled these past three weeks wondering what I did wrong, if I could have changed the outcome. I truly love him and love the relationship we had, when he wasn't smoking.
He would tell me things like he loves me so much and then say, "I'm not attracted to you any longer", "sex is boring". I have always been more adventurous in sex than he and he always told me this so I don't understand why he know says these things. I was crushed with many of the hurtful things he told me. I always took the high road and never talked badly about him or any flaws he had.
Today he text me and told me that he loves me so much but has decided to stay this way (meaning single). He said he will return to ships and wants to be good friends. When he goes onboard he transfers his addiction of weed to marijuana and I know he has had many sex partners in the past so maybe this too is some sort of addiction.
What happened? Why would he declare his love for me? Tell me I was the only one for him? Discuss marriage with me? Places to live? Why would he bring me home and integrate me into his family only to destroy this months later?
I feel so sad and so disappointed. I don't know how this weed took control of his feelings and decisions. I thought I was more to him that this pathetic substance. His father is an addict and he always talks down about his father yet it seems like he is repeating history.
Will there ever be a moment when he looks back and wonders "what did I just lose?" Or will he always justify in his mind that it was for the best?
Sorry for such a long post but I'd appreciate any insight you have to try and help me understand this chaos and how I let the love of my life slip away from me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi and welcome FindingHope 
It's difficult to say because, although we may have a common problem, we're all different types of people and personalities.
It's certainly true that loving an addict is a bit of a threeway deal - there's you, there's him and then there's the drug of choice.
Maybe he's been flipping between you and the weed - trying to have his cake and eat it too?
What I'm reading is that this guy doesn't want you as a constant in his life, but for you to be there when he beckons.
I don't know where that makes him an addict, or a complete jerk, or maybe both.
I do think you deserve better tho - I actually doubt this guy will prove to be the love of your life - I think that guy is still out there
D
It's difficult to say because, although we may have a common problem, we're all different types of people and personalities.
It's certainly true that loving an addict is a bit of a threeway deal - there's you, there's him and then there's the drug of choice.
Maybe he's been flipping between you and the weed - trying to have his cake and eat it too?
What I'm reading is that this guy doesn't want you as a constant in his life, but for you to be there when he beckons.
I don't know where that makes him an addict, or a complete jerk, or maybe both.
I do think you deserve better tho - I actually doubt this guy will prove to be the love of your life - I think that guy is still out there
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you Dee,
Do you think I am looking for an excuse and trying to blame addiction for his choices? I have been reading a lot about marijuana addiction and he has some pretty text book traits.
*He smokes the entire day, needing more and more to get the same fix.
*Becomes completely apathetic, abscent and emotionally removed/numb.
*Forgets to do things he promises his family, can't stop or not have pot in the house.
*Forgets things just mentioned minutes prior.
I don't know, my inexperience and naivety perhaps are showing here. I just don't know how someone so adamant and dedicated to the relationship can change so quickly. The only variable was the reintroduction of pot in an excessive and abusive way.
Do you think I am looking for an excuse and trying to blame addiction for his choices? I have been reading a lot about marijuana addiction and he has some pretty text book traits.
*He smokes the entire day, needing more and more to get the same fix.
*Becomes completely apathetic, abscent and emotionally removed/numb.
*Forgets to do things he promises his family, can't stop or not have pot in the house.
*Forgets things just mentioned minutes prior.
I don't know, my inexperience and naivety perhaps are showing here. I just don't know how someone so adamant and dedicated to the relationship can change so quickly. The only variable was the reintroduction of pot in an excessive and abusive way.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Addiction does change some people.
If he was great before the weed obviously something's happened.
Whatever the reason, at the moment he wants to be single. There's not a lot you can do about that, I'm afraid.
he may come to his senses or he may not - if you were my friend, I'd hate you to miss out on someone who really is your soulmate in all respects because you were waiting on this guy.
D
If he was great before the weed obviously something's happened.
Whatever the reason, at the moment he wants to be single. There's not a lot you can do about that, I'm afraid.
he may come to his senses or he may not - if you were my friend, I'd hate you to miss out on someone who really is your soulmate in all respects because you were waiting on this guy.
D
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