nevergivingup

I've always suffered with insomnia since I can remember, but it seems worse these past couple of weeks. It's literally been days since I've gotten more then one or two hours of sleep, which usually comes in the form of nodding off when I get a break. It's almost 4am, and I'm up again, not even slightly tired. It's getting frustrating these days. I know all of things I need to do to help get myself back on schedule, but somehow there's a bit of freedom being up sooo late when my son is sound asleep, as if for a few hours I can be a real person, and not just a mom. But, it catches up to me, and I'm cranky and just not on my best game during the day.

The reason I'm posting.......
A couple of weeks ago, I started having very unusual dreams. They centered mainly around my xabf. In the dreams he had relapsed (he's clean now for one year) and was standing at my door. He muddled some words to me about our son, and that he was sorry about not being able to be a father to him, and then started talking about how he watched us through the window, and then talked about how life just wasn't worth living the way it was, and then....... in the dream, he actually puts a gun to his head and shoots himself. And I watch him fall to the ground. There's several other dreams that encompass this whole scenario........ dreams about the police coming and dreams about going to his wake/funeral. It just all seems very strange to me, and was a quite upsetting. Since then, I find myself just not sleeping well at all. Although the dream was very real to me, I just can't grasp onto it being the reason that I cannot sleep, but it seems to be the only thing tying directly into the onset of this insomnia relapse.

I'm not sure what the dream means, or why I would be having them at this point, being as though we have very little contact at this point, which really only revolves around our son and court related issues. So, perhaps if anyone out there has a little insight into any of this, I'd appreciate a little feedback. Not sure what my mind is trying to tell me.

Thanks!!!
Much love and hugs!!!!

nevergivingup

Thanks Ms B! I actually don't take any supplements, or any medications for that matter.

So, could it then be that my mind feels a little guilty for having abandoned him, and now that I'm seeing him on a regular basis, but we're not friends, all that guilt is coming back to the surface? I guess that's likely.

Thank you!!!

nevergivingup

Much easier said then done. LOL! I can definitely work on the whole aspect of having this guilt luming over me, but I don't think we'll ever be in a place where I am okay with him, in general as a person. I've been trying to make it a part of my daily routine to pray for him, in general for his health and happiness, but specifically for his recovery. Perhaps this will help me get through some of this! I definitely agree that the issues we do not allow ourselves to deal with while awake subside freely in our dreams. I think there's definitely some unresolved issues that I have with how everything played out. Will definitely have to do some personal inventory to really get it out in the open and make a conscious decision to actually work toward being truly okay and accepting of what the situation is/was. Thank you soooo much!!!!!!!