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I will remember him ... Part 1

Old 01-29-2006, 11:07 AM
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Yesterday marked a year since I last saw Jason's face, saw his smile, felt his touch. He was so happy that night ... I will never understand what went so terribly wrong in the next few days.

I was with my family yesterday and his name was spoken, memories and love shared, tears fell. I know he would have been there if he could.

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

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Old 01-29-2006, 01:05 PM
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Old 01-30-2006, 05:04 AM
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In memory...

To My Dearest Family:
Some things I'd like to say
but first of all to let you know
that I arrived okay
I'm writing this from Heaven
where I dwell with God above
where there's no more tears
or sadness there
is just eternal love
Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight
remember that I'm with you
every morning, noon and night
That day I had to leave you
when my life on Earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said I welcome you
It's good to have you back again
you were missed while you were gone
as for your dearest family
they'll be here later on
I need you here so badly
as part of My big plan
there's so much that we have to do
to help our mortal man
Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
and foremost on that list of mine
is to watch and care for you
And I will be beside you
every day and week and year
and when you're sad
I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear
And when you lie in bed at night
the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night
When you think of my life on Earth
and all those loving years
because you're only human
they are bound to bring you tears
But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain
I wish that I could tell you
of all that God has planned
but if I were to tell you
you wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain
though my life on Earth is o're
I am closer to you now
than I ever was before
And to my very many friends
trust God knows what is best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb
but together we can do it
taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too
that as you give unto the World
so the World will give to you
If you can help somebody
who is in sorrow or in pain
then you can say to God at night
my day was not in vain
And now I am contented
that my life it was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody
who is down and feeling low
just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go
When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze
or the wind upon your face
that's me giving you a great big hug
or just a soft embrace
And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free
remember you're not going
you are coming here to me
And I will always love you
from that land way up above
Will be in touch again soon
P.S. God sends His Love
--Author Unknown


((( deedee ))) Dream on...
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Old 01-30-2006, 05:07 PM
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(((Trish)))

Beautiful ... thank you
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Old 02-01-2006, 01:55 AM
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((( Deedee )))

Your post on Jason's anniversary date is on my mind....especially the word's " I will never understand what went so horribly wrong" Please forgive me if I am off base. I somehow feel the need to try and explain to you from an addicts point of feelings. I also don't know if Jason was dual diagnosed with a mental illness, so with that said...
At the end of my heavy using I had a terrible "compulsion" to committe suicide, it seemed to go along with not being able to stop the terrible cycle, which for me had become an unbearable way to live, mind you I had two children and family, but the impulse seemed greater than even my love for them, I believe it came from the terrible "downs" I experienced after using. There were days when I seemed fine, but all's I had to do was pick up again and there the impulse was back.
Some of us suicide when we are "high" and to say the least, judgement is very poor at this point. I believe for many of us we suicide when in a blackout, as has been my experience with friends. The I am only going to use this one "last time" can also bring about the despair, of Oh my g*d, I have done it again, and cant live through this anymore.
Jason, very well may have been fine and happy the last time you saw him, or he could have been putting on the front we addicts do so well.I can tell you the compulsion I had to suicide at the end of my using was as strong as the compulsion I had to get high, if not stronger.
I don't believe that Jason meant to leave you, or planned on it. If we started a poll on the boards of how many of us addicts had attempted, I think you would be surprised and maybe in an odd way comforted to know, you would find a great many of us have attempted.
I know that from reading your post about Jason that he had a fighters spirit and a very strong will to live, so I can understand your confusion. Suicide is sometimes just a terrible compulsive act, we want to stop the pain, not thinking it is permanent, you know?
Deedee, I hope and prayer that you can find some sort of peace with your unanswered questions about your son's choice that day. Thinking of you today, and I hope I have not over stepped a boundry.
Love you<
Trish
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Old 02-01-2006, 05:20 PM
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(((Trish)))

Thank you for sharing so honestly about your personal experience and I'm sorry you had to know that pain. I've done a lot of reading on suicide and intellectually, I hear what you're saying. I've read about people masking their depression, hiding their hurts so to speak from their loved ones. And I know tunnel vision comes into play bigtime when someone seriously contemplates suicide. When I spoke to Jason on the afternoon of the day he died, when he was crying and told me what he was thinking, my first reponse was "Jay, please don't do this to me" and he replied that this was not about me, it was about him and his pain. He also told me he would not do it for atleast a few days, he still had a sliver of hope. My mind raced immediately, for ways I could save him before it was too late, what should I do, what could I do.

He didn't wait a few days and I know he did it on impulse, just wanting to stop the pain. It just eats at my heart, that after all we'd been through, how utterly sad to have it end like this.

hugs,

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Old 02-01-2006, 05:47 PM
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DeeDee
I hope you won't mind that I post here on this thread...I don't usually read this forum and not sure why I did tonight except that my son who is dual diagnosed and a self medicating drug addict is coming home from rehab on saturday and quite frankly I am scared...he OD once and paramedics revived him...he was gone about 30 seconds...

anyway that's not what I wanted to say....
I started to cry as I read through this thread...of course I started to cry...but then I started to weep...a dam broke...

your first post touched my heart...
I saw your son through the years through your eyes

this mom shares a piece of your heartache.....
my son too has been so depressed and has cut himself to relive the suffering...
if I could stop his pain I would....just as you would have done

unfortunately it is not to be

I will hold you in my heart :ValA001:
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Old 02-01-2006, 06:34 PM
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(((Lil)))

Thank you for your heartfelt words ... my prayers will be with your son and with you.

hugs,

deedee
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Old 02-02-2006, 07:03 AM
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It was one year ago tonight that Jason left this world. It seems like yesterday, it seems like forever and my life, as I knew it, will never be the same. I've cried a million tears and felt the terrible ache of loneliness without him. I've found comfort here and can't imagine where I'd be without the love, support, and understanding I've received from my beautiful friends at SR.

Our family, his friends, will gather tonight at his final resting place and light candles in his memory. Jason, darlin', I grieve for you ... may peace be yours.

Dear Lord,
I pray that you will wrap your loving arms around my son and heal his troubled soul.
I pray that his heart is whole and that he is happy and free and at peace.
And I pray that he knows, always, how very much he's loved and missed in this life.
Amen

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Old 02-03-2006, 08:47 AM
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(((DEEDEE)))


Warmest hugs Sweetie.

I know all of us would love to take all your grief away all at once.
What we can do though is help you through it.

The HP I know, has total compassion and knows that Jason made a decision at that moment on the pain he was feeling at that time because his mind was sick. Had he really 'known' at that moment that there was a better way I totally believe he wouldn't have made that choice.
The HP I know doesn't cause our Pain, but sees our pain and loves us through it.

I am thinking of you today.
I just have to say I 've read Jason's Story several times and I can tell that he is a unique character. I can sense his charisma even now , and it makes me smile.
So I would like to thank Jason for being who he is and for making me smile today.
I can just picture him up there like Peter Pan rounding up the boys to go check out the newest adventure.
I believe he's still growing and today I believe he's still helping his earthly family to grow.
Hugs and Prayers of Comfort to you.
Your friend, Iamunique


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Old 02-03-2006, 09:44 AM
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(((Unique)))

Thank you from my heart Jason's uniqueness came up several times last night at the candlelight vigil. He could be outrageous, and oh, he could make us laugh. I heard some stories from his friends that I will tuck away in my treasure box of memories.

I was standing next to my brother and his wife, my sister and my niece, when all five of our candles went out. My brother looked at his watch ... exactly 7:28, the hour of Jason's parting from this life.

I believe God is good and the sick shall suffer no more. Just really sad today.

hugs and love to you dear friend,

deedee
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Old 02-03-2006, 12:58 PM
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"I pray that his heart is whole and that he is happy and free and at peace.
And I pray that he knows, always, how very much he's loved and missed in this life."
Amen~DeeDee


"I was standing next to my brother and his wife, my sister and my niece, when all five of our candles went out. My brother looked at his watch ... exactly 7:28, the hour of Jason's parting from this life."~DeeDee

I believe your prayers were answered. Jason knows.
I think that was his 'unique' and 'charismatic' way of letting you all know that he prays and feels the same for you.

That is just precious.
I don't believe in coincidences.

Hugs,
Iamunique
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Old 02-03-2006, 01:37 PM
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((( deedee ))) That is some kind of sign that you got from your boy...Prayers of comfort coming your way.
Love you, Trish
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Old 02-03-2006, 02:14 PM
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Something else I wanted to share about last night, because it's been sticking with me all day. I bought all the candles we used last night from the dollar store, mostly white tapers, but I had picked up 6 other candles, because they were cute and kinda meaningful. They're in a tapered glass, with white crystals filling the base, and a gold cross embedded in the candle itself, which is off-white with glitter in it. We lit all six and used them to light the tapers.

Three of Jason's friends from the 'hood, where we lived ten years ago, came last night. Now these guys got in their share of mischief, including my son, but one of them is deeply religious now and took one of the cross candles as a memento. Some of us went out for a bite to eat afterward and we received a distraught call from this guy - as he was going around a corner, the candle flew into the door and broke. He was so worried about getting another one. I told him we had five more and would send another with the two friends that were still there. Well, the two friends asked for one too and I can't get over watching these big guys cradling their precious memento - a dollar store candle, with a cross in it, in memory of their friend.
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Old 02-03-2006, 05:40 PM
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(((Deedee)))

I believe that with so many hearts thinking of him and praying last night, something truly did connect with Jason's spirit and that he knows how much he is loved and remembered.

His spirit is here too, Deedee, we each feel the love and how special your boy truly was.

Remembering Jason...

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Old 02-03-2006, 07:34 PM
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He is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want -
Smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.



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Old 02-03-2006, 07:58 PM
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Old 02-08-2006, 08:52 AM
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It was a year ago today that we laid Jason to rest. I woke up this morning with that thought on my mind. Time may soften the raw edges, but today I am quiet and somber, lost in thought, and I remember.


I grieve for you
you leave me
'so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

~ Peter Gabriel


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Old 02-08-2006, 08:58 AM
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Old 02-08-2006, 09:05 AM
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Candles and love for you and Jason today, and always.....


Sweet Remembrance



Let fate do her worst; there are relics of joy,
Bright dreams of the past, which she cannot destroy;
And which come in the night-time of sorrow and care,
To bring back the features that joy used to wear.
Long, long be my heart with such memories filled,
Like the vase in which roses have once been distilled;
You may break, you may ruin the vase, if you will,
But the scent of the roses will hang round it still.

-- T. Moore
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