My Mother died

Old 02-13-2005, 02:13 PM
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My Mother died

My Mother died on Friday. I hadn't talked to her or my Father or brother for over three years after a family dispute. I found out from two Police Officers knocking on my door. When they asked to come in I was trying to think if I had forgotten I had hit someone or had broken the law and couldn't remember. Not the nicest job for them.

I talked with my father on the phone and then with my brother. I am told that my estrangement cut my Mother up badly. I am half expecting to be blamed for her massive heart attack. And you know what, there may be an element of truth in this. It is better to live with the truth than to avoid it. It is possible that my actions contributed to my Mothers heart attack. It's possible. Of course, had I known, then I would have picked up the phone, but I did not. I am not assuming all the blame here.

I am not looking forward to the funeral. My Mothers body will be there, but she won't be. I think funerals are for those left behind.

It is sad that that my Mother has died and I am a little angry that I may have to mourn it and that this may be out of the control of my thinking.

I am grateful to be sober. I have the money for a clean suit, flowers and so on. I am grateful that I am not as mixed up as I used to be. That if the opportunity arises I will be able to suggest to my old fashioned British Father that bereavement counselling is quite ok, that his life has just dramatically changed and not ended. If my brother wants to blame me for our Mothers death he can vent at me. Sober, I can learn to be part of the solution.

I am viewing my Mothers death as a no lose situation for her. If there is nothing after death, then she is no longer suffering, she is not experiencing anything and if I can imagine it, she is truly at peace. If there is life after death then she has just been reunited with her Mother who died around 30 years ago and whom she misses all the time.

Sober I can view this as a natural event. Allowing myself to be upset is harder than I thought it would be.

All in all, given the circumstances, sober is the way to be.

Andy F
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Old 02-13-2005, 02:14 PM
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My condolences on the loss of your mother.
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Old 02-13-2005, 02:47 PM
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Sorry for your loss and hope things work out.

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Old 02-13-2005, 02:58 PM
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Andy,I am so sorry to hear this.My condolences to you.
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Old 02-13-2005, 03:01 PM
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Sorry about your Mom. Peace to you and staying sober--you are courageous.
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Old 02-13-2005, 03:02 PM
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I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
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Old 02-13-2005, 03:08 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss Andy.

Sending prayers for peace and strength.


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Old 02-13-2005, 05:13 PM
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Andy, I am so sorry.

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Old 02-13-2005, 05:22 PM
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Andy, I'm so sorry and send heartfelt condolences. I'm the mother of an addict, Andy, and I can tell you that every mom I know has forgiven anything her son ever did and I know that your mother would not want you to feel any guilt in this.

If you need to make peace with this, speak to her in prayer. Her spirit will know.

Hugs from a Mom
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Old 02-13-2005, 06:05 PM
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My condolences Andy. *hug*
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Old 02-13-2005, 06:12 PM
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Peace To You And Yours In This Time.
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Old 02-13-2005, 06:36 PM
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(((Andy))) I am really sorry for your loss. the loss of a parent is so impacting and can be really life changing. I am glad that you are sober. hang on to your sobriety because your sobriety is a big part of who you are NOW and sometimes who you are NOW is all you have.
i lost my mother when i was 13 after my first real stand up to her argument. she died suddenly and i was blamed-by everyone! "the stress" ... even though i knew i wasn't responsible it kind of crept up on me over time. it really ruined me and hurt me badly even though in hindsight it was a load of crap. but i was a kid...
i was estranged from my father for some time and...well.... i almost died. he was very ill at the time that i got hurt and we both decided to just let the past go and take the opportunity to stay in each others life. i never stopped loving my pop and he never stopped loving me. we just needed a break to work things out. given my past with my mom you would think...well lets just say i don't feel guilty or sorry that i didn't talk to my dad. what matters is that we made peace...together... we were able to do this while we were both here...which was great. he died after suffering greatly in his illness so he is out of pain,thank goodness. with my mom i didn't have the opportunity for us to make peace together, but i know my mom still loves me! and i still love her.
i made peace with it all when i was older and got sober. So... no matter what Andy, hang on to your sobriety and who you are... because people can say horrible things when they are stressed out. things that are untrue and that they may not really even mean. it is part of the human drama and you sound like you have a great perspective on your relationship to your family and your mother. love is love.... it doesn't go away or disintegrate or lose it's power and beauty- no matter what we as humans do.... so of course you love your mom and she loves you. no matter if she is still here or not. nothing can change this. please do not buy into the "stressed out" theory of blame shame and guilt. people die when there time has come. simple. i am sending you light and love on your journey. hugs-alice
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Old 02-13-2005, 10:32 PM
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I am sorry about the loss of your mother. My heartfelt condolances are with you!
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Old 02-13-2005, 10:48 PM
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Sorry for your loss.

... bereavement counselling is quite ok... remember that for yourself as well.

It is ok not to feel what others think we should feel.
It is ok to cry if we so feel we want to as well.
There is no set patern on how we each carry a loss.
Good to see you hold such understanding towards your brother.
May God's strength fill you and His peace remain always in your heart.
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Old 02-14-2005, 07:49 AM
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(((Andy)))Im so sorry youve lost your mum my thoughts are with you ....Lulu
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Old 02-14-2005, 08:48 AM
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Thankyou all. Appreciated.
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Old 02-14-2005, 09:13 AM
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Sorry to hear about your mum.
Thanks for the reminder...
Sober IS The Way To Be!
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Old 02-15-2005, 05:01 PM
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Sorry for the loss of your mom its really got to hurt but please dont blame yourself for it.Thing happen like that all the time.Stay strong and i wish you another 24hrs as hard as that might be...
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Old 02-15-2005, 05:29 PM
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To Life!
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My heart goes out to you. I am sending prayers for your serenity and the renual of your spirit...
Your mom is with you as long as you hold her in your heart. I know...because my dad remains with me.
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Old 02-15-2005, 05:38 PM
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(( Andy ))

I feel for you.You are so right about being sober and able to show up and do what you havto do.Try not to be hard on yourself. Keep the faith and my deepest sympathy. Bless , Trish
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