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Old 11-22-2019, 11:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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How to get through?


A few years ago my mum died. I just can't move forward with no support though. I've got nobody and I feel the same way I did when she died every single day.

I find it so tough especially as I have other health problems too such as mental health.

I still hoard all of mums possessions as I can't let go. The hard part is not having any support. I would find it much easier to deal with if I had someone who could take me to the grave and some of mums favourite places to remember her especially on significant dates. That would allow me to move forward as rather than hoard the past, I'd be remember mum in the future.

I can't get to these places because of them being too far away and struggling with severe anxiety.

Bereavement therapy is no good because the therapist didn't know my mother and I don't need to talk to anyone about it, I need actions like having the help to go to mums favourite places in memory of her.

The bereavement therapist was in fact shocked that the NHS are doing so little to help me. They believe I need access to a support worker and tell me to speak to my doctor about one, but when I do my doctor tells me the funding has been cut or just plays my health problems down.

In a way this bereavement is one of many things fueling me to drink. When I can't cope anymore with feeling so low about mums death and there's nothing I can do to change how I feel, I drink and get emotional while looking at things of the past from mums belongings.
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Old 11-22-2019, 12:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam31p View Post
I can't get to these places because of them being too far away and struggling with severe anxiety..
I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother and your struggles with grief. I hope you are able to get a support worker.

It sounds very important to you, so I would do whatever necessary to get to some of the places that you associate with your mother. Choose a date that is significant to you, and make arrangements to travel by bus/train/uber in order to get there.

And, since anxiety is causing you to postpone doing that, here are some tips that might help you manage your anxiety so you can travel and visit. Get enough sleep/rest. Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health. Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip any meals. Keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand. Limit caffeine. Take deep breaths and inhale and exhale slowly. Do your best to travel and visit and instead of aiming for perfection be proud of however close you get.

I would also recommend reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. This book is very helpful in guiding you through the grieving process.
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Old 11-22-2019, 05:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Sam

Maybe the fact a therapist wouldn't have known your mum might be a positive?

The best therapists are those who can help provide an outside perspective - it shouldn't be 'just talking ' for talkings sake - they might be able to help you work through things and help you with the process of moving forward?

it's hard to see the shore when you're in the middle of the ocean but having someone on shore to help guide you in might help?

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Old 11-23-2019, 05:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks all, I really appreciate the comments.

The issue for me getting to those places is distance. If for instance I had a support worker then it would only take 20 minutes in a car to get to. So a round trip of an hour to get there, spend a bit of time there and come back home. Then if symptoms did get too much, I could ask to go back home.

Via busses, in order for me to get there due to the route the only bus service goes, it would be over 5 hours round trip and no way to get back quickly if symptoms get too much which then is a trigger for me to go to the pub to self medicate.

When mum was alive I had access to her support workers, they knew I was struggling and would help me as well as her. When she died this stopped with mums support workers telling me they want to continue to help me but I have to go through the NHS system for a referral, which has been without success.

It feels important to talk to someone who knew mum rather than a neutral therapist as what has happened before is they try and make out what mum would have wanted. So with depression I struggle to get on with household tasks and one of them said to me "what would your mum be saying now? Do the washing up? She wouldn't be happy seeing you living like that". Actually my mother would be saying "my son is unwell, he's struggling every single day and you NHS lot won't help him. You need to stop refusing to give him the help he needs".

Also although mum was unwell, her death was caused by medical mistakes when she was in hospital. Therapists tend to be NHS staff and when I speak to them about mums death, they become defensive, blame it on the "grief talking" and even get annoyed with me blaming it on their colleagues even though it's the truth.

Anxiety wise, I've struggled all my life. There are even signs that it might be Asperger's. 15 years ago I realised the symptoms aren't normal and went for medical help. In those years I've tried everything. Exercise, eating well, meditation, CBT, CAT, medication, behavioural therapy and getting a good night's sleep.

I only started self medicating when I had tried everything without success. What makes it hard is I've gone through hell, 2 dead family members who suffered for years with illnesses, no friends, symptoms that some people laugh at, say I look like I'm on drugs and I literally can't take anymore.

I don't go to the dentist anymore for example. Not because I'm afraid, but because when I go, the symptoms make me shake so much that the dental nurse comes over and has to hold my head still. It's so embarrassing and upsetting for me. That pushes me over the edge and I end up harming myself.

It's literally like that for me. I've gone through so much that I can't take anymore.
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Old 11-25-2019, 11:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Just wanted to say I am very sorry for your losses. Bereavement is so painful especially when you have to face it alone.

I'm afraid I have had similar battles with the NHS so I don't really know what to suggest except to keep trying.

I am so sorry you are struggling so much Sam.
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Old 12-01-2019, 10:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I am so sorry Sam,

I know how hard it is to lose a loved one. We never really let go of them, as long as she is in your heart and memory, you will always carry a piece of her with you. I am sure she is watching you from Heaven and wishing you knew that you carry her with you. The belongings you hold on to are not your Mom, they are just that, belongings. If there are items someone in need may be able to use, would your Mom want them it have it in her honor? From what you say, she sounds pretty amazing and it is clear you love her very much. Possibly donating a few things at a time to a person or family in need, knowing that your Mon is still helping from Heaven might be a start? I know it is hard, but I am sure that your Mom would like it if you thought of her and smiled, like I am sure she is smiling down on you. I am sure she would not want you in pain, but rejoicing in her memory.

I wish I could say the magical words to ease your pain, I hope healing begins soon.

Hugs, Cathy
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