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Old 12-26-2018, 04:42 PM   #1 (permalink)

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How to do it?

2 family members ill with rare disease. 1 of which was my mother.

A 3rd family member who's house I lived in, was emotionally controlling and abusive.

Family member 2: died.

When it was just my mum and 3rd family member (my nan). It was like nan was able to manipulate my mum. It was my fault for everything. I'm horrid, i'm evil.

Even though I wasn't. She used to hit and smack my mum and all I used to say was "don't shout at her". Then she would turn on me. Threats, abuse and so on.

When mum died, its devastating. Even though she was ill an NHS mistake put her in her grave. Of which I sought legal action and was told there is a case but my MH problems meant I had to drop it.

Me and my nan now?

I live away from her. She's so manipulative. Everything always had to be my fault. She hit mum and that would be justified with.... the normal "well Sam is horrid and nasty".

What sort of thing is that? She abused and hit a disabled person, then it's the case of, she did nothing wrong and.... she's the 1 who felt hard done by because I defended my mother verbally. Rather than her say "Sorry. I did get a bit angry with your mum".

I try and get on with her, but shes still the same. I think after the loss we should be closer than ever, both having nobody. But no.... My opinion never counts. When I try and say something to her she says "I don't care anymore".

She's never been sorry about anything and has even said that ("I'm not sorry, I haven't done anything wrong"). Then when I try and resolve it and say how she made me feel she just says "I don't care, I can't be bothered".
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Old 12-26-2018, 05:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I waited years for my family to say sorry.
Eventually I realised they never will cos, to them,. they've done nothing wrong.

I used to think my happiness was predicated on that apology that never came but I see now, I can still be happy with out it.

I moved on. I lay that burden down. I let go of my expectation and my ideas of fairness and justice....and I feel I'm better for it.

Thats not to say it was an instant kind of process. I'm probably a lot older than you...but in time, I believe you can be happy without that expectation of apology.

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Old 12-26-2018, 06:01 PM   #3 (permalink)

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It's very difficult and ty for the post.

I do absolutely agree that in some cases there is the only option to just have that acceptance and letting it go.

Its just hard as with nan, part of me feels guilty and that I have to have something to do with her after mums death, yet even now, there's no change. My opinion counts for nothing. Even when i'm trying to advise her and help her it's the "I don't care anymore" line.

And yet when my advice is ignored and things go bad, she gets in touch with me to help her which I feel inclined to do.

Even though she is a horrid cow. Around my birthday (a few days before what would have been mums). Her sisters had invited her on a holiday. Rather than ask me if I was due to pop there at that time, because she knows i'm alone, she just went ahead with it.

It's the house she lives in that has the most meaning for me. My mum lived there. I would have wanted to be there for mums, what would have been birthday.

So I guess yeah, ongoing. That connection to it all when id rather just be able to let go
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Old 12-26-2018, 08:45 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Sorry to rant but the worst behaviour of this was with mums death.

As short as poss:

Pre NHS mistakes I told nan about how mum was normally. I made that totally clear, she ignored me in favour of her sister who hadn't seen mum in person in over 2 years.

Which, again in short lead to mum having the wrong sort of treatment. Which then lead to a medical error that killed mum.

If only nan had listened.
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Old 12-26-2018, 11:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Not a rant. A productive, cathartic and healing way to desfine how you feel.

My dad- as a priest had affairs(and drank), to cope with a very horrible man who befriended him to abuse young boys- most likely including me and my dead bro (booze). Mum cope by kicking the dog, me. Such horrible passive/aggressive/emotional blackmail. My dead bro did the same- plus beatings.
My dad dumped my mum in a nursing home on the excuse of 'carer's leave', then moved in with his g/f the same day.

Such damage. He died when I was in a coma(well documented elsewhere) about 3y + ago.

I get anger, grief, pain, sadness, hate- all at once. I know these emotions will spill out. I journal and share with a psychologist (or anyone)(well documented elsewhere).
And of course- art.

Keep posting how you feel

My prayers and support to you Sam.
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