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Losing my Dad, trying to stay grounded

Old 01-29-2018, 10:41 PM
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Is major anger a part of grieving?

I'm in the grip of anger. I could tell you of a bunch of frustrations.. so many things to take care of logistically with my dad's death and my mom needing a lot of help. I've taken on a lot, but still have a full time job ... others are helping too but I'm probably doing a disproportionate share. So I'm experiencing a ton of anger.

Fortunately I've been doing an online mindfulness course (see secular connections), which reminds me to notice the anger rather than get so caught up in it. So now I'm curious -- why so angry?

Any experiences with anger as it relates to grieving, feel free to share. Thanks for listening.
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Old 01-30-2018, 01:06 AM
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If you know anything about the Kubler Ross stages of grief Anger is definitely one of them.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-s...oss-and-grief/

Some don;t agree it's an accurate model but it fitted me well enough when I've been hit by grief.

I've also heard it said anger is depression turned outward and that was certainly true for me for a long time.

I think it is a stage and I think you will move through it.

I hope you can somehow get to a more equal workload with all of this too, Tursiops.

D
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Old 01-30-2018, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by tursiops999 View Post
Is major anger a part of grieving?

I'm in the grip of anger. I could tell you of a bunch of frustrations.. so many things to take care of logistically with my dad's death and my mom needing a lot of help. I've taken on a lot, but still have a full time job ... others are helping too but I'm probably doing a disproportionate share. So I'm experiencing a ton of anger.

Fortunately I've been doing an online mindfulness course (see secular connections), which reminds me to notice the anger rather than get so caught up in it. So now I'm curious -- why so angry?

Any experiences with anger as it relates to grieving, feel free to share. Thanks for listening.
Yes, yes, yes! In my experience, anger is most definitely part of the grieving. I lost my dad 3 years ago and he had hospice as well (they were amazing!). I found my anger coming out in really weird ways throughout the process, becoming angry at trivial things at times. I think what you are experiencing is really normal.

Hugs to you. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. I'm thinking of you.
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Old 01-30-2018, 04:22 AM
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I think anger is a huge part of the grieving process. For me it was a feeling that I had been "burdened" with so much responsibility as my father's executor of estate, but looking back I know that it was an honor to be entrusted. He knew that I was capable of doing what he wanted.
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Old 02-05-2018, 02:04 PM
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Hey buddy, so sorry you're going through this. I've been there too. Sorry for your loss.

January 2017 we lost my Dad at 57 to late stage bladder Cancer. He beat it the first time back in 2013, but it came back in 2017 and spread like wildfire. He passed on the 5th of January 2017. A year later, on the 5th of January this year my stepdad of 22 years is diagnosed with terminal Cancer (same day but a year later ... creepy). 2 weeks after diagnoses he was gone. It was a huge shock because a) he was only 47, and b) the day before he passed the doctors gave him 2 years with treatment. The tumour ruptured his stomach that night and nothing could be done. A day earlier he would have been fine as they planned to fit a stent in fear of it rupturing.

Grief is hard to deal with, but in time it does get easier. Anger is most definitely normal. I've flipped my lid so many times recently. I'm not consciously angry over the deaths but it's definitely lurking 90% of the time and I've become very short tempered.

Don't be afraid to reach out to friends and family. I wish I did that instead of bottling it all up like a "tough guy".

Hang in there buddy <3 It does get easier, I can promise that. You never forget, but you can move forward.
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Old 04-25-2018, 08:02 PM
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More grief ...

Just this month i experienced a sudden unexplained hearing loss in one ear. I've been seeing doctors.. the specialist today injected my ear with medication but told me the odds are i wont regain my hearing. More shock and grief.

I was just starting to come to terms with the loss of my dad, and also the "loss" of my mom (shes still alive but has dementia that's worsening since dad died).

It just feels like a lot. I'm trying to stay positive... there is some chance i'll regain hearing and i'm trying to focus on that. Just shocked and angry, also angry at the first two doctors who missed diagnosing this.
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Old 04-26-2018, 05:13 AM
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I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this and pray for a better diagnosis and solution. I believe our experiences can equip us for greater challenges, and we are strengthened as we move through them.

Last edited by Astro; 04-27-2018 at 05:22 AM.
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Old 04-26-2018, 05:40 AM
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I hope that something can be done for your hearing loss Tursiops.
I'm sorry the hits keep coming.

D
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Old 04-26-2018, 05:27 PM
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Tursiops, I'll be praying that your hearing will improve. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
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Old 04-26-2018, 08:54 PM
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Thanks, SR friends. I'll say one thing ... it is certainly bringing out gratitude for the senses i DO have that are working correctly. I wrote a long gratitude journal this morning about the many aspects of my health that are good. That helped me a lot to start stabilizing and coming up with a good mindset for coping with this. I will be okay. The support helps a lot too.

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Old 05-02-2018, 08:09 AM
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Hi tursiops,

I know what it's like to feel like you are just getting back up before something knocks you down again. I had a few years where it was just one thing after another. I had my friend get murdered, then my marriage ended and I had to stand alone with two small children, then my nephew died, then my son got badly hurt, then my sister got MS, then my mom's BF who we all loved got sick with cancer and died and my mom lost her house due to the grief - all within 2 years. It felt overwhelming at times, but I found strength and courage where I didn't know I had it. And like you, I found that things I had previously taken for granted, took on a new level of value for me. Before my nephew died, sometimes I would feel irritated by my children and put upon by their needs. I remember leaving the hospital and getting lost in my old neighbourhood trying to make my way back to my boys - just totally shell shocked - and just holding them both close to me. I have never taken them for granted since. I never fully appreciated how fragile life is and what a gift it is before that happened.

Anyway, not trying to make this about me, just want to let you know that you aren't alone, and that I understand.

Take good care of yourself and lean on us, and your loved ones, and let others care for you when you need it. I've found that grief is something that becomes part of you - it never fully goes away, but it slowly becomes something you can look at and feel without being consumed by it, it can be compartmentalized after awhile.

Hoping for good results with your hearing as well.
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Old 05-03-2018, 12:52 AM
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Thank you, billiejean. I'm sorry for all those losses you suffered. Yes, these losses that shake us to the core.. they really can awaken us to the fragility and preciousness of life. We're here such a short time, really.

I had a little improvement in my hearing this week and am feeling optimistic that further treatment may work.

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Old 05-03-2018, 07:57 AM
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That's good news about your hearing, I hope you have continued improvement!
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Old 05-03-2018, 04:45 PM
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Yes - very good to know about the improvement!
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Old 05-12-2018, 01:13 AM
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Grieving is such a process, isn't it? I hope you can keep coming here to help you work through it...and that is good news about the improvement in your hearing!!
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Old 05-12-2018, 08:03 PM
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Thank you for the continued support!

My hearing continues to improve ... dr's put medication into the inner ear (injected thru eardrum ... what fun ). My hearing has come back to maybe 80% of normal, which is great. Giving it time for more healing.

The good thing is it made me really take stock. Now that all the crises have passed, it's time for some serious self care -- more exercise, healthy eating, and rest. Also getting some health consults & outside help. I feel like the hearing thing may have been in part a reaction to stress, and a message to manage my stress and health as proactively as i can.

Thanks again... SR folks are amazing.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:48 PM
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I just wanted to give a brief update and thank you again, SR friends, for your support when i was low.

Good news on my hearing, it is back to normal. What a relief!

I've also finally gotten to a place where I've caught up on rest and have the time and energy to focus on self care, such as healthy food and exercise.

I am still grieving of course but it is not nearly so overwhelming anymore. It's all been a good wake up call to me to really appreciate the good moments with loved ones. And to trust that the difficult times always morph and change and pass sooner or later.

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Old 07-06-2018, 02:43 PM
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tursiops999,

Good news about your hearing being back to normal. Just now coming across this thread. My heart goes out to you.

It really is possible to stay sober through all kinds of life events. One of the best gifts I gave myself and my mother was me staying sober during her decline, hospice and death 2013-2014 time frame. I remain profoundly thankful to have been able to be of service to her and my siblings. I give all credit to God and The Twelve Steps.

This too shall pass is for both hard times and good times.
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Old 07-07-2018, 07:40 AM
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I am so glad to hear about your hearing, that's excellent, and that the rest of your health is going so well too.

Grieving continues to be a long process for me, maybe it continues for the rest of my life as a way of honoring those I love so much? My mother passed 20 years ago, father 3. Lately the sorrow hits me hard, but I am so glad I am sober to remember them and what they imparted to me for almost 50 years. I have lost some friends recently too, I know that as I get older the losses will be more frequent, our passing is inevitable.
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Old 07-07-2018, 05:55 PM
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I'm happy to know of the good news, Tursiops. You've ridden out a rough time and triumphed.
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