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Does it get better?

Old 12-15-2016, 08:43 PM
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Does it get better?

Hey everyone, my name is lexi & I lost my 25 year old ex boyfriend to an overdose almost 10 months ago. He was my first love and seemed to be my soul mate until he got addicted to pills/heroin. I'm still extremely close to his family, and I have the majority of his ashes. I guess I'm just looking for advice from anyone who has been through this? Do you think a fatal overdose is painful, or did he pass peacefully? This has sent me into the deepest depression and it won't go away. I can't see my future without him, I can't see myself getting married. How do you learn to love someone else if it only feels like they're second best? I also lost my father to an overdose when I was 17; I really have lost all hope. If anyone cares, I really need help.
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Old 12-16-2016, 04:09 AM
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Welcome to SR, Lexi, I pray this is a place you find answers and hope. I know we have a lot of caring members that will share with you. I'd like to encourage you to post in our Friends & Family Of Substance Abuse forum, it's much more active there and please take the time to read about the experiences of others.
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Old 12-16-2016, 05:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Astro View Post
Welcome to SR, Lexi, I pray this is a place you find answers and hope. I know we have a lot of caring members that will share with you. I'd like to encourage you to post in our Friends & Family Of Substance Abuse forum, it's much more active there and please take the time to read about the experiences of others.
Thank you
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Old 12-16-2016, 05:51 AM
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Good morning Lexi. Your question, Does it get Better is making me think this morning.
First of all I am so very sorry for the lose of your loved one. I lost my son almost two years ago due to a heroin overdose as well. It has been the most devastating and sad and hard thing I have ever personally gone through so I know it is tough!
Now to answer your question about, Does it get better. Im not sure it will ever get better for me but it does get easier, softer. The waves of grief are not as huge and crashing and just dragging me under like they were earlier in this process. There are still moments of overwhelming sadness and just a sense that I miss my son so very much, but those debilitating moments are not as paralizing as they were in the beginning.
I think there is an absorption to the reality of the situation and part of that has to do with how we deal with the loss as well. For myself, initially I didnt deal well at all. I isolated and obsessed and also drank to help me cope and help me sleep. Recently though I am speaking publicly, trying to share our story to help others, reaching out to my family and close friends for support and also support groups for those grieving the loss of a loved one due to drug/alcohol issues, Oh andd most importantly, Im not consuming any alcohol or drugs, staying present with my feelings, riding those waves and then, getting back to living life.
Its not easy, nor do I think life is better, but it is life and one that I hope I ( and you) will be able to experience with joy- at the end of the day I believe that is what our loved ones would want for us. To have a joyful and pleasing life.

Blessings and my best to you.
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Old 12-16-2016, 05:52 AM
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Welcome BL. I lost my son four years ago in a dirt bike accident. I ask myself similar questions - did he suffer. I'm not going to tell you that it gets easier, but I will tell you that in time you will find yourself reflecting less on the pain of the loss and more of the memories you had together.

As far as how will you ever have another relationship, I can't answer that either, but as far as someone else being "second best" it made me think that as a parent of two children your heart always has room to love another. When pregnant with a second child you wonder how you can possibly love it the way you love your first one but it turns out you do. A new relationship will be different and not take the place of the first love but will still be wonderful and can be complete and fulfilling. My son's wife has moved on to a new relationship and is happy, and I am so happy for her that she was able to do this. Sending you virtual hugs.
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Old 12-16-2016, 06:01 AM
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Thank You.

Originally Posted by HelenofTroy View Post
Welcome BL. I lost my son four years ago in a dirt bike accident. I ask myself similar questions - did he suffer. I'm not going to tell you that it gets easier, but I will tell you that in time you will find yourself reflecting less on the pain of the loss and more of the memories you had together.

As far as how will you ever have another relationship, I can't answer that either, but as far as someone else being "second best" it made me think that as a parent of two children your heart always has room to love another. When pregnant with a second child you wonder how you can possibly love it the way you love your first one but it turns out you do. A new relationship will be different and not take the place of the first love but will still be wonderful and can be complete and fulfilling. My son's wife has moved on to a new relationship and is happy, and I am so happy for her that she was able to do this. Sending you virtual hugs.
Absolutely beautifully written.

Thank you so much!
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Old 12-16-2016, 06:35 AM
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Thank you Ooona and Helen of Troy. I'm so sorry for the losses of both of your sons. I'm very close to my ex's mother, and it breaks my heart watching her also suffer in grief. We all tried SO hard to save him...we knew the day would come, but nothing prepares you for when it actually happens. I'm actually in a relationship now, and have been for almost two years. It was going great, but I was still very close to my ex (I don't have family, so his family treated me like their own & he and I were still best friends. Our relationship as friends was actually better than we were dating). The grief has obviously put a lot of strain on my new relationship. I'm obsessed with my ex-boyfriend's death; it haunts me everywhere I go. He always shows up in my dreams. I think I'd be okay if I knew for sure he was happy. I was the love of his life, and he was mine until the drugs changed him. It really does help to know I'm not alone. It has been hard to talk about it with my friends, because the overdose happened 10 months ago and no one seems to realize that the grief has just started.
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Old 12-16-2016, 03:54 PM
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I'm sorry for your loss Bauerlexi but I know you'll find support here

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Old 12-17-2016, 07:01 AM
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I think the best analogy is waves...

At first these enormous waves of grief come crashing over you many times each day, and you splutter and gasp as you work through each one.

Then, the waves begin to be just a tiny bit smaller and maybe just a bit less frequent.

This continues, and the periods of rest in between begin to become a bit longer. I'm told that eventually, the waves are the thoughts that you turn toward you loved one and that these thoughts will be the stories and happy memories and not that awful, raw, gaping hole of early grief.

Sometimes it is impossible to see the progress until you can look back at the last 12 months and compare where you have been to where you are now. I am somewhere in the period of time when the waves do seem smaller and less frequent.

I know my life will never be the same. It will always be marked by the loss I have experienced...as are the lives of all of us because we all lose people we love.

I am determined, however, that one way or another...I will be happy in my life again. I will come to a place of peace and even joy. I do not know, yet, when that will be. God's time, not mine.
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Old 12-20-2016, 08:12 AM
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Thank you dee and seren. I agree the wave analogy is accurate. & if I look back at the past 10 months, I guess I have improved because I don't curl up in the backseat of my car and sleep/cry at lunchtime. I still can't see my future though; I can't see myself getting married and actually feeling love again. I know I'm in a deep depression now, but I'm not sure if I should get help for it. Maybe it's normal to be depressed now?
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Old 12-20-2016, 08:23 AM
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Hi, Bauerlexi, and welcome. It sounds to me that you are grieving hard over your friend's death. Perhaps you are also mourning the loss of the life you might have had with him and his family. That's a lot! You mentioned getting help. That is a good idea. Maybe a grief support group or one to one counseling?
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:12 AM
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You're right maudcat, I'm not only grieving over him, but also eventually losing the relationship with his family.
My ex was more than just some guy I dated, he was my angel on earth. I came from a home of drug and alcohol abuse. My dad overdosed when I was 17. My mom's crazy and we don't talk anymore. When I met my ex, he saved me from my horrible home life. He taught me to drive, we shared my first apartment together, we had our first college classes together, and I flew on a plane the first time with him. His family also became mine. The love my ex and I had was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt like God brought him to me to save me. And then my ex got addicted and life just felt like a sick joke. We fought for 4 years trying to stay together but he was stealing from me and dragging me down with him. I know he loved me, but he couldn't stop. I've been strong all my life, but the death of him has absolutely destroyed me.
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Old 12-20-2016, 12:06 PM
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I am in grief counseling. When I went into it I told my counselor I have 3 goals: to work through the guilt that I feel, to 'keep my side of the street clean' as far as my relationship with my adult stepchildren, and to try to figure out where I go from here...what will my love look like.

I hope you might consider counseling...it does help!
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Old 12-20-2016, 12:55 PM
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Thanks Seren, Those are some good goals to have.
I never really thought therapy would be helpful, but I definitely think I'll take advantage of the counseling my school offers. I feel like the only thing that could make me feel better is knowing my loved one still exists in Heaven and is okay, but I know it's impossible for me to know that for sure while I'm still on Earth.
I'm sorry for your loss...I wish I had some better words of advice but I'm also lost myself. Just know you're not alone.
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Old 12-20-2016, 01:05 PM
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sending you good thoughts, Bauerlexi. I shall light a candle in your loved one's memory.
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Old 12-20-2016, 06:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Maudcat View Post
sending you good thoughts, Bauerlexi. I shall light a candle in your loved one's memory.
Thank you so, so much
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Old 12-21-2016, 03:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
...what will my love look like.

I hope you might consider counseling...it does help!
...what will my life look like.

Apparently, counseling does NOT help with spell-check on my phone

I do hope that each day dawns just a tiny bit brighter for you. The the clouds will begin to part just a bit each day.
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Old 12-21-2016, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Bauerlexi View Post
I still can't see my future though; I can't see myself getting married and actually feeling love again. I know I'm in a deep depression now, but I'm not sure if I should get help for it.
I've never had a soulmate pass away, but I've been divorced twice. The second time was extremely painful as it involved my children, but it did get me to recovery and long-term sobriety. I do remember the darkness of those times though, when I wondered how I would live without that person in my life daily, and what the future held for me (I didn't think it held anything)

12 years later I have an incredible marriage and a richer life than I ever dreamed of. I do believe that our hearts will be exposed to new opportunities for love in our life, or at the very least to have other relationships and the opportunities to reach out and touch the lives of others through service.
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Old 12-21-2016, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Astro View Post
I do remember the darkness of those times though, when I wondered how I would live without that person in my life daily, and what the future held for me (I didn't think it held anything)

12 years later I have an incredible marriage and a richer life than I ever dreamed of. I do believe that our hearts will be exposed to new opportunities for love in our life, or at the very least to have other relationships and the opportunities to reach out and touch the lives of others through service.
Thanks Astro, I'm definitely going through the period of darkness right now. I'm 25 and have never been married, but all my hope for the future has been crushed. Realistically, I knew I could never have a stable life with him, but I wanted it more than anything. I tried to do the best thing for myself, and moved on into other romantic relationships, but I remained friends with my ex. I've dated a couple of great guys, but the feelings just aren't there the way there were for my ex. He was my absolute soulmate, but very sick with addiction.

I knew that getting back with my ex would only drag me down, he had his own demons to fight. I can't help but feel guilty and like I could have done something to save him. I know that's SO irrational, but I just that just comes naturally after losing a person to something that seems preventable.

Astro, hearing that you have a richer life 12 years later gives me some hope. I can't really see any light in my life right now. I just feel like everything I do is pointless because we all die anyway right? We can love someone and put our whole heart and soul into their existence, and then the world can just cruelly take them and all your dreams away. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but this is what has gone through my head for the past 10 months.
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Old 12-21-2016, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
...what will my life look like.

Apparently, counseling does NOT help with spell-check on my phone

I do hope that each day dawns just a tiny bit brighter for you. The the clouds will begin to part just a bit each day.
Thanks Seren, I hope everything gets better for you as well. As you can see from my last post above ^^^ I'm feeling pretty hopeless...hopefully after a year or so that will change.
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