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I long to have them back...

Old 04-05-2015, 02:40 PM
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Learning to live again
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I long to have them back...

...the ten years I threw away due to my addiction. My mom passed away a few days ago. We had mended our shattered relationship, but my behavior in the past confused and hurt her. We had been very close - but I was lost to her for awhile, and she never understood. No amount of explaining or apologizing could help make things right.

We alcoholics/addicts aren't able to see what we're doing to those who love and believe in us. Mostly we are lost in oblivion. When I was in that other world, I was never aware of the pain I was causing. One day she told me, 'You broke my heart'. The way she said it has haunted me through the years.

Drinking/drugging changes who we are - it turned me into a twisted version of myself - a thoughtless, reckless person. This is just a reminder that one day there'll be no more time to make things right. Please be careful with the precious life you've been given, and all those who love you.
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Old 04-05-2015, 02:46 PM
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(((Hevyn))) I am so sorry for your loss. You are right, we can never get back the days we squandered away drinking/drugging. But, your Mom did get to see you living sober, and I know how much that pleased her. She will still be with you and will live forever in your heart.
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Old 04-05-2015, 02:47 PM
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I'm so very sorry for your loss, Hevyn.

I'm sure she was also very proud of you. None of us are perfect.
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Old 04-05-2015, 03:41 PM
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(((Hevyn)))

I know in my heart your mother was thrilled to see you overcome your demons.
Really

D
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Old 04-05-2015, 04:06 PM
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My heart goes out to you. I expect that watching you become clean was a great joy for her.

May you be surrounded in peace and love. Blessings.
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Old 04-05-2015, 04:22 PM
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I am so sorry, Hevyn. I am a mom and I say that probably too often to my son. It is so hard to not be triggered. Trust me that she didn't say it to hurt you. She probably said it just because she thought it might be the time you would listen. She would NOT want you to be down about that now, trust me.
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Old 04-05-2015, 04:39 PM
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(((Hevyn))) you were able to give your Mom seven years in recovery. She got to see you stable and happy and healthy. I know she was proud of you. She saw you become the woman she raised from the girl who once was. so many of us don't make it back or make so many disastrous mistakes the rifts never heal.

You have much to be proud of, dear Hevyn. Lift up your heart! Your mom knew.

Love from Lenina
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Old 04-05-2015, 04:47 PM
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Sweet Hev,
Addiction is hard for our loved ones to understand, unless they've experienced it. One thing I'm sure your mom understood, is your love for her and what a giving and gentle, person you are . She saw you over come your addiction and your differences were in the past. She loved you, and would not want you to feel guilty. Hugs.
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Old 04-05-2015, 06:33 PM
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Learning to live again
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Thankyou my friends. Your words helped.
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:54 AM
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I love you, my friend.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:04 AM
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I have no doubt your mother is still watching you, and still smiling at the woman you've become. Even though my father suffers from dementia and loves his vodka, I know he's proud of his sons. I have a feeling we mended our parents broken hearts at least a little when we found recovery.
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Old 04-06-2015, 06:37 AM
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Hev;

your mother loved you unconditionally, throughout the bad and good....Your recovery gave her peace and she never lost you permanently.

She forgave you and you most importantly need to forgive yourself...you cannot get it back, but in the future you know is secure in your increased sobriety. You've always been a shining example to me here since I first joined. Your sobriety counts for helping many get over the big hurdles....with humor, compassion and much patience.

no one can predict the vast future, but you have many good things to remember and in time it will be easier.
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Old 04-06-2015, 07:05 AM
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((Hevyn)) I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please remember, you brought such peace to your Mother's heart when you found sobriety. She passed knowing her precious daughter found the strength to be the person she was meant to be.

She's holding you in her arms, always, with pride. Her heart is mended, sweet Hevyn...you gave her that gift.
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:24 AM
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Soo sorry to hear of your loss Hevyn!!
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Old 04-06-2015, 01:40 PM
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(((((Hevyn)))))
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Old 04-06-2015, 02:05 PM
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Oh Hev...I send you many many hugs!
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:33 PM
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Hev, as a mama to an addicted son let me assure you that there is nothing, absolutely nothing that would make me love him any less on his worst day than I did on his good days. I know he hurt himself more than he could ever hurt me and that it was never personal. Your mama was sad back then because she loved you so much and I know how very very proud she was and is of you today.

We mamas forgive quickly, perhaps you would honour your mama's memory to forgive yourself today. Maybe light a candle and speak to her and tell her what you told us, make your amends and then let her know that you are going to forgive yourself now and replace all the bad memories with only good and loving ones of the best days you had together. And then do it, or light another candle each time you struggle and try again.

Life is too short for regrets, the lessons behind us can be strangely wrapped gifts that will teach us for days ahead.

I love you, Hev, and I know your mama will live in your heart forever.
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Old 04-06-2015, 03:40 PM
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Learning to live again
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What beautiful and helpful thoughts. I feel much lighter.
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Old 04-06-2015, 04:18 PM
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My darling Hev. I understand. We all do.
I did the same thing. And it hurts.

We can't go back Love, but I do believe your mum was proud of you and loved you very much.
As we all do. ♥
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Old 04-06-2015, 04:38 PM
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I'm sorry, that was not very helpful...you are an amazing woman Hev.
You have worked hard for these 7 plus years of recovery, and every single day you make a difference to so many people here. I know that your mum was proud of you, and as has been said here, is forever holding you in her arms. ♥
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