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I don't know why, but I've postponed posting here

Old 12-08-2013, 09:51 PM
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I don't know why, but I've postponed posting here

My sm (stepmother) had many good qualities, but also many physical pain, and she turned to drugs. Her youngest daughter (my stepsister) died at 18 in a car wreck, and she was never the same. She wanted to be numb.

She and my dad raised my great-neice (who I call the bratkin) from the age of 1 year, 2 weeks old. I was their for my niece (who we actually think of each other as sisters, as my dad raised us both).

I was raised with rules, consequences, etc. Bratkin was not. Sm always felt she had to make up for bratkin losing her mom. Bratkin's dad was a long time addict, in and out of jail. Oh yea, sm's dad was an alcoholic, as was her first husband, so she was codie to the core. My dad tried to make boundaries and rules, but he travels for work and as soon as he was gone, bratkin could do what she wanted.

I was ALSO involved in a codie relationship (not how I was raised) and eventually turned to addiction to "deal with it".

Long story short. Sm was doctor shopping, getting WAY to many prescriptions and my dad stuck his head in the sand as she hid from me what all she was taking.

One day, in Oct., dad took my car to pick up sm from bratkins (where she stayed for a long time with the new baby). I found in my trunk, the bag of meds she had been prescribed with 3 refills - 120 lortab 10's. 90 ativan 2mg, klonopin 60 mg, restoril 30 mg, neurontin 400 mg, and soma 350 mg.....except for the restori, which was prescribed once a day, and the klonopin prescribed twice a day, everything else was three times a day.

I am a former RN (lost that career to addiction) and I KNEW this was too much. However, I didn't know how long she'd been taking this, and my dad wouldn't listen to me when I warned him (he doesn't accept my addiction, even mine, though he does appreciate my recovery).

She mentioned she needed to stay home more, I later found out the bratkin found her passed out and said she would NEVER see her daughter again if she continued this. Suddenly, sm says she needs to stay home.

Nov. 6th, she was passed out on the couch, but responded a bit when I shook her. This was normal. Her purse, (which she normally HIDES) was on the couch. I found out that after she had gotten the 120 lortab 10's on Oct. 5, she got 90 more ten days later.

There was nothing I could do. I kept telling her this stuff was going to KILL her, but she always through back what I had done in the past, and dad stuck his hand in the sand (she did have legit PAIN problems).

The next morning, I woke up early to see if my cat was ready to come in and found sm lying on the floor. I shook her, realized how cold she was and screamed for dad to "get in here!" He was sound asleep, said "where" and I said in the den.

I rolled her over, threw the coffee table out of the way and started CPR while he called 911. Withing minutes, I knew she was gone. She had fluid running from her nose, and was so very cold.

I didn't cry, I think I was in shock. I always told her this was going to happen, but I honestly thought I'd get to her in time and save her.

Paramedics showed up, told them I'd been an RN for 12 years, and she was gone. They asked if "rigor" had set in, I said now, but I knew she was gone. The brought equipment in, realized I was right. They said "she hasn't been gone long, but she is gone" to which I beat myself for not waking up early

I never knew I would grieve so hard. I hated her addiction, but I could ell her anything and she would keep it as a secret.

I asked dad to call bratkin's husband to not go to work and why. I called him back, and I heard bratkin screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" which is what I did when my mom died. He made her talk to me, and thank God, she and I have a good relationship.

My oldest stepsister and I have a good relationship (we didn't always. She also had to go through detox for the klonopin her dr. kept increasing). Bratkin and I are very close. Stepbrother called and cussed me and dad out, later apologized, but he has been nothing but evil and even his aunts and uncles have had it with him. My other stepsister? She had been in recovery, but is now back on heroin and when dad FINALLY got a hold of her, she had little reaction to her mom's death.

I'm sorry this is so long. I just feel like I knew the train was coming to the end and I couldn't stop it. I truly believed I would be able to bring her back. I'm dealing with a 20-year-old bratkin who thought of sm as her mom, since she never knew here mom and now she's lost 2 moms, and dad is back in jail on parole violation with 4 new charges.

Bottom line, I will pull strength from my recovery. I may slip and slide./ into codependency, but not addiction.

Since this happened, I've also lost a dear client/friend (I sit with alzheimer's patients). He died on Dec 6th, sm died on Nov 7th, which was also mom and dad's reunion.

That's only a portion of the people and furbabies I've lost this year. I feel like I'm spinning around in a tornado.

However, I do know one thing - recovery is my priority and I will NOT escape from pain like I used to. I will feel it, I will lean on the many people I have for support (MANY from here) and I will get stronger because I will survive all this.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-09-2013, 06:24 AM
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glad you posted this in here. I know you're gonna grieve for her a long time.
And Mr. D leaving too....I'm so sorry about that coming so soon after losing SM.
Keeping leaning on your friends...who love you dearly. xoxox
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Old 12-09-2013, 11:52 AM
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I understand how much this hurts you. It wasn't your fault. Please don't blame yourself. You loved her and still do and had a good relationship. Treasure that in your memories and take strength from it.

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Old 12-09-2013, 12:26 PM
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My goodness Amy, you have payed the price for addiction at so many levels. And you have faced a lot of grief and hardship these past weeks - it is just not fair.

You have my condolences.

And a lot of sympathy and I am hoping that soon will get the wind in the back – you do deserve some good fortune now.

(( Amy ))
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Old 01-17-2014, 12:44 PM
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I want to thank you all and post an update.

Dad and I got the results from sm's autopsy today (they called him, the other day and told him it was the effect of combined drugs). I KNEW this, I warned her and him about it, but it still hit me hard.

Today, the paperwork came in. COD (cause of death) was a mixture of opiates, benzos (xanax, ativan, restoril) and soma. The casually mentioned the neurontin that was in her system.

I cracked her sternum doing CPR, but she was already dead. I've done CPR hundreds of times, very rarely cracked ribs/sternum (the dr's used to tell me "we can fix broken bones, not dead hearts") but, apparently, I was REALLY trying to get her back.

I"m up, I'm down. One of the benzos she was on is the the one I'M on (very low dose) and she had none of one that she was prescribed in her? I know, it doesn't matter, but we had this "you stole my pills" debate and it's like a final jab.

I talked to my niece/little sister today and she said something about "I guess that's the way she chose to go". I really don't thing she did this intentionally, I think she was an A and she just took too much. I explained this to bratkin, all of 20 years old.

She gets it. She watched what my dad and sm went through when I relapsed, her dad has been in/out of jail and prison her whole life for crack (my DOC). She did her experimentation with a few drugs and a lot of alcohol.

My prayer is that she and my stepsister stop the generational addiction. The other 2 stepsiblings? One, her kids both have issues, the other? None of the family is speaking to him due to his horrid behavior and threats when his mom died. His daughter has a great mama, she will be okay.

Sorry for the novel, I just don't know what to think. It was so much easier when I was angry, the longing for the person she was? Damn, it hurts.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-17-2014, 01:01 PM
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I'm sorry I missed this first time around Amy.
You did all you could - and reading your posts for so long, I know you always did.

Thats what makes you you

I share your hope that this disease stops here in your family. You're an inspiration & a role model anyway, in my book

D
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Old 01-17-2014, 01:43 PM
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I am so, so sorry for the loss of your stepmum. You are a wonderful sibling and daughter. May God be with you and your family and give you strength and comfort.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:44 AM
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I know you expected this, but still was a shock to see it on paper.

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Old 01-18-2014, 05:09 AM
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((Amy)) I know when my Mom died it took me a while to process my grief. I was numb at first and as time passed it seemed the emotional side kicked in.

You did everything you could and I pray you find peace with all this soon. Lots to process and sort out.
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Old 01-18-2014, 05:33 AM
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Amy
From the flight deck,
I second everyone's emotions.
Heartfelt best to you and your loved ones...
D.D.
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Old 01-20-2014, 11:32 AM
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Just an update- her death was what I thought it was - mix opiates, 3 different types of benzos, soma and an anti-d that is used to help people sleep in the wrong combination = death.

I also broke her sternum doing CPR, but doctor's always told me "broken bones we can fix, dead hearts we can't, keep pushing".

There have been a few issues with the "I wants" from stepsiblings and I'm not about to get in the middle of that.

In the middle of all this, dad and I are practically redoing the entire house - pulling up carpet, repainting, repairing. It was something that needed done, but we never could because sm was a hoarder, mostly of clothes. So far, 2,500 items of clothing gone to Goodwill, many have tags on them.

We're hanging in there, but dad's work has been slow, I took a leave to work on this house (we had a deadline but they didn't show up) and too much together time of two hard-headed, stubborn people is not a good combination.

Oh, and I quit smoking again on the 2-month anniversary of sm's death. Now THAT I am tickled about. I had 90 days on the day she died, lit up a cigarette the next day.

Thank you all!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:38 PM
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(((Impurrfect))) So sorry..
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Old 11-22-2016, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post

That's only a portion of the people and furbabies I've lost this year. I feel like I'm spinning around in a tornado.

However, I do know one thing - recovery is my priority and I will NOT escape from pain like I used to. I will feel it, I will lean on the many people I have for support (MANY from here) and I will get stronger because I will survive all this.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
Wow, I also thought that I was in some kind of storm that just would not end. That the strong winds were always blowing against me. One thing after another. I could not get some fresh air of happiness to the point I gave into it and subconsciously just waiting for the next blow.
One day I have just had enough of it all and tried suicide. Low and behold, I woke up in the hospital I just thought 'ohh no here we go again'. When I came home after about month and half, all the agony I tried to escape from, just got worse. I cried why it didn,t succeed and then the awful guilt for thinking that my kids would end up without a mother. I did not know which was worse. My youngest daughter passed a month ago to alcohol addiction. Grief and loss to no end. I had survived two cancers, attempted suicide, and I'm still here. Why? Why me? I guess I.m bound for hell one way or another. I truly don't have any desire to go anywhere. No vacations, shopping, movies, nothing. Only comfort I find is watching movies at home on tv. And they are never funny movies. And so it goes, where I don't know.
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Old 11-22-2016, 04:50 AM
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I suppose stories on a grief and loss thread associated with addiction probably do not finish well. I am grieving. Am not sure at any I time which bit
- my brother who died 10 years ago from multiple organ failkre - alcohol. We turned off his life support and were there at the last.
-Last Aug- '15 I woke up in an ICU from an induced 4w coma with 4th degree 20% burns- including bone,
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Old 11-22-2016, 04:54 AM
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Pushed wrong button. I nearly died 4 times. Lots of NDE's since- bad ones. The bed I woke up in was the same bed in the same ICU my bro died in 10 years ago. My burns were due to falling asleep - booze with a fag in my mouth. Fell into a fibre glass sling on my arm and turned molten.
My other bro told me when I was in a coma my dad had died- alcohol related.
I get a rush a lots of feelings and thoughts for me, bro and dad. It sucks.
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Old 11-22-2016, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ View Post
Pushed wrong button. I nearly died 4 times. Lots of NDE's since- bad ones. The bed I woke up in was the same bed in the same ICU my bro died in 10 years ago. My burns were due to falling asleep - booze with a fag in my mouth. Fell into a fibre glass sling on my arm and turned molten.
My other bro told me when I was in a coma my dad had died- alcohol related.
I get a rush a lots of feelings and thoughts for me, bro and dad. It sucks.
And I wonder how this is supposed to be "this wonderful world, with sun coming up, fresh feel of snow, family gathering for holidays"? Which world is that, where?
When I was in the hospital for attempted suicide, there are so called sitters that are with you in the room 24/7 to make sure you don't try to hurt yourself again. Well there was one sitter that watched me like a hawk. Even when I sat up cause I was tired of laying down all the time, she would jump asking "what are you doing, where are you going"?
Finally I told her to get off my back every second, and that I have to go to the bathroom. Ohh she jumped, no don't move, I have to hold you and bring you back to your bed. Then the tubes got all tangled around my legs, then she said "stop I will do this for you, and besides I'm not the one that made you end up in here. So I told her "well it's not my fault you ended doing this job". Nasty woman to be working with patience like me. I just wanted to sleep all the time and counted hours when nurse comes to give you meds. Coming home was worst then being in that hospital. So yeah, what a wonderful world.

Last edited by kiki5711; 11-22-2016 at 06:44 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-22-2016, 02:33 PM
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Yet kk- we are here- sharing. Optimistically - this helps heal. PJ
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