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Just lost my cat "Sunny" :( Turning his passing into a catalyst for change :')

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Just lost my cat "Sunny" :( Turning his passing into a catalyst for change :')

Old 07-07-2013, 02:21 PM
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Just lost my cat "Sunny" :( Turning his passing into a catalyst for change :')

In loving memory of my buddy "Sunny", I am vowing to fix all the stupid stuff that I know I have the power to fix but have been too lazy or weak to.

I lost my beloved cat "Sunny" suddenly and painfully just a few days ago, on the 4th of July He was an awesome cat, would lay on my chest at nite and pur loudly, rub his chin on mine, sleep by my head, rub his head against mine or paw my head while on the back of the couch until I reached back and scratched his ears/neck...then pur like crazy some more :')

His symptoms only lasted for about 48 hours, and I was DEVASTATED to find him passed away on my floor the NIGHT BEFORE I was going to take him to the vet if his symptoms persisted. I buried him the next day in my family's backyard overlooking the river and by a tree with a swing in it. I've been slowly stabilizing but have had a few tough bouts, and have had to excuse myself to private areas to shed some tears several times :'(

After some research after his passing, I found out it was a male urinary tract blockage, and is considered a "true pet emergency". I wish I had known how severe it was. Part of me blamed myself for negligence or lack of knowledge. To know he passed in considerable pain DESTROYS ME. Last night I had a dream that I was able to resuscitate him...but only for a few moments. I woke up wishing and feeling I COULD HAVE DONE MORE

Family n friends have reassured me that I did do my best though, with the knowledge we all had. This "true pet emergency" classification has helped me get over the GUILT factor of his passing too. Now its just the grief I have to deal with, of not having him around and knowing that I have to continue on without him At 10yrs old he still had a lot of life in him, and I miss him deeply....

And all of this has occurred in the midst of me struggling with my alcohol addiction. I never made an "About Me" thread but I've struggled heavily with alcoholism and other issues for about 10 years now. I've quit a few times, and was seriously considering "not going out" right before I found Sunny had passed, even though it was July 4th. I'm single with no kids in my mid-30's, and having Sunny in my life was definitely a HUGE PLUS-- friendly companion, major stress reliever,and warm pillow

So Ive decided to use his passing as a catalyst to "stop f*cking around" and honor his memory by getting serious about my life! One day I'd like to see my life in a much better way, and remember that Sunny was a part of that I want to live in a NICE HOME with a great family and happy career, and have a HUGE memorial to Sunny somewhere in there. I would thank him everyday and remember him as the coolest cat I may ever know. I cant let his passing JUST BE A TRAGEDY for me. The thought of grieving him with booze in my stomach ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTS ME.

In loving memory of Sunny....I am reaffirming my decisions to stay clean and find happiness in sobriety...I know WE can do this!! :')
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:41 PM
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I am truly sorry about your Sunny. Please don't blame yourself, because you did what most people do, and loved your little guy.

I hope that knowing how loved he felt, and what a good home he had will bring you peace soon. not all kitties are so blessed. perhaps you might find another little one who needs that love too.

hugs,
chicory
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:46 PM
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sorry for your loss jjames.

D
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:31 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss and you are right, drinking would not bring Sunny back. hugs
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:36 PM
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Sorry about that.

Your ongoing sobriety would make a great memorial to Sunny.

Pets are great and we get very attached.
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:47 PM
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I know you'll see Sunny again JJames. He knew how much you loved him. I think it's a great way to honor him - by living a good life. Chicory's right - not all kitties are as blessed as he was - please remember the good times, not the way it ended.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:10 PM
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Aw bless you Sunny...

Yeah. In his memory. Get sorted.

I hope you are ok.

Stu.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:15 PM
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So sorry about Sunny, James . The best way to honor any being, including ourselves, is by living in sobriety. Best wishes.
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Old 07-07-2013, 04:18 PM
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I'm so sorry for you loss, Jjames. Sunny looks like an awesome cat. I'm sure you gave him a great home, and he was blessed in that way... pleases don't blame yourself thinking you could have known better. It's easy to do. May he rest in peace.
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:55 PM
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Jjames, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe Sunny is watching over you right now, giving you strength and being so so proud of you. It sounds like you had a great life together. I know it's hard, but try to focus on the good times you shared with him.

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Old 07-07-2013, 10:17 PM
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Jjames - I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a cat from the same thing and I was lost in codependency and addiction at the time, and though I'm not sure I will ever get over that guilt, I have made living amends.

I got clean and sober. I am living at home, and the 3 cats that were here became mine. I love them all, but Elvis was my buddy. He's the only one who was a snuggle buddy. He actually helped me stay clean, one time. I was heading out the door to get stupid, looked at him and he had this "please, don't leave me" look and I stayed home.

He developed FIV and leukemia and I was present in my life to take care of him. I promised him I would not make him suffer, and I didn't. When I had done all I could, and I knew it was time, I held him as he was let go.

I have a lot of reasons to stay in recovery, but that little black cat is one of the strongest.

Honor Sunny's life by being the best you you can be. It won't always be easy, but it can be done.

I'm glad you are looking at this as a reason to choose a better way of life. Our pets are family, and I'm still grieving Elvis, 6 months later, but I believe he is on Rainbow Bridge, and he's happy that I'm taking care of me. Give Sunny the same gift

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:50 AM
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Thanks for the kind words everyone!! And to you Amy, thank you so much for sharing your very similar story!! :')

I have slowly been getting better, and just shed a few tears reading your responses, but it's ok....they are the tears of acceptance of a loss, and necessary I feel. I haven't had any 45 minute meltdowns for a couple days now, and I'm re-adjusting to things.

I wanted to add this tidbit:

It is true that literally a half-hour before I found Sunny, I was at my family's restaurant where I help out sometime. Some texts were coming in as to where everyone was going to spend their 4th of July, with the ententions of "getting loaded". My continuous drinking has recently lead to intolerable stomach/gastro problems even when sober, and I was really dreading going out drinking AGAIN...knowing Fri and Sat nite were right behind it

But I remember a nice sense of calm, and my stomach would ease, as I even considered the idea of NOT GOING OUT, and just staying in to play guitar, write a new song, put on a great movie, etc! My stomach would instantly react it seemed!! The thought of going out drinking REGARDLESS would cause the anxiety, hopelessness, and stomachache to instantly return! I was almost playing with it for a few seconds, thinking "drink, stay home, drink, stay home..." and literally, my stomach AND MY SOUL seemed to react accordingly.

I'm guessing, when non-alcoholics get that nauseous feeling when they think of drinking, they go "EWW, no I'm not going out tonite". Of course, I and many others here will TRY TO IGNORE that nausea and FIGHT THRU IT in less than glorious ways...like total idiots :oQ

To lose Sunny just moments after discovering this sorta psychosomatic relationship between choosing the RIGHT or WRONG path, has really brought it home for me and helped it sink in. I will not lie...I cautiously admit that I did drink that nite, Fri, and Sat, but it was with a heavy heart and with the support of friends that were also saddened by my loss. I felt FCKNG AWFUL the entire time..of course partially bcz of Sunny, but mostly bcz I was drinking. I only had 2 drinks on Sat nite, which is UNREAL for me, and it still made me sick...which I was kinda glad of

Last nite was my first sober nite, and I felt great actually (didn't even smoke a cig!) and feel great this morning as I wake up to the nice weather! I am going to go for a walk later, run some errands, eat something healthy, deposit a check at the bank, buy some cleaning supplies, MAYBE do the dishes lol....I really feel good, and hate the person I become when I continue to act so self-destructively and have to endure such symptoms.

I know cravings will arise again, and I may try to rationalize that "its ok this time", but I think if I remember Sunny during those times, and ADD HIM to all the other reasons drinking is so ridiculous, I can pull thru this....and live a happy life!

Thank you everyone!!
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Old 07-08-2013, 09:53 PM
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Sorry.
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Old 07-10-2013, 10:30 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss JJames
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:38 AM
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I am so sorry for your loss, James. I lost a cat to the same disease, and like you, I blamed myself for not getting him to the vet sooner. I finally had to accept that I did all I could with the knowledge I had at the time.

He was beautiful btw, you have 10 yrs of wonderful memories, focus on those memories. I think you are making a wonderful tribute to him in making the decision to clean up your life . He is smiling at you from Rainbow Bridge . That is my belief anyway .

I wish you well in your journey toward a better life, and I am certain Sunny is very proud of your decision hug
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