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25 Yr old Son Died 5 weeks ago

Old 10-07-2012, 10:44 AM
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KDH
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25 Yr old Son Died 5 weeks ago

My 25 year old son died 5 weeks ago from "complications due to heroin use", in other words he OD'd. But I am telling everyone he died of cardiac arrest, technically his heart stopped and then he stopped breathing so its not really a lie. We had him on life support for 8 days and had to make the painful decision to "un-plug" him. I didn't even know he was using herion. He had a great job and was doing so well based on all outward signs and appearances.

I cannot describe the pain, anguish, guilt and other emotions that have overwhelmed me. I can't stop drinking. I have to numb the pain but it always comes back. I don't want to drink myself to death or ruin my relationship with my husband (not my son's father) but I can't stop. I know my other son and my granddaughter need me but I really don't care.

Every morning when I wake up I tell myself I won't drink today. But by early afternoon I start drinking and I drink till midnight or later and watch old home videos of my son.

Ugh....I don't know what to do or what will become of me now.........
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:27 AM
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Welcome KDH. IMO there's no loss worse then the loss of a child, and I won't pretend to understand what you're feeling right now. But I do know that drinking is not the answer. As you said yourself you have others who depend on you as well. You have to take care of yourself first or there will be nothing left to give to them. If you're finding it too dificult to tell yourself you won't drink today and follow through then start going hour by hour. In my view see someone who specializes in loss, and consider a program to help with the drinking. You'll find a lot of support right here on SR as well. Good luck and hope to hear more from you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:33 AM
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KDH, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine your pain. I started drinking in an alcoholic way when my boyfriend was killed when he was hit by a car riding his bicycle. I didn't stop drinking for 20 years. I hope you can learn to deal with your overwhelming grief without alcohol. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:33 AM
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I am so sorry all my peace
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:36 AM
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I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. What I do know is the drinking will not make the feelings go away. You will be temporarily numb, but you do have to come to at some point, and the pain will be there again.
Are there any grief support groups you can join to get help through this difficult period? I would also suggest either AA or another recovery program for your drinking.
What you are going through sounds like hell, and you need to get help.
Also, post on the newcomers forum. You will get more responses there (people check that more often than the grief forum)

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:42 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I can tell you though that drinking is not the answer. When I lost my dad at 15 all I did was drink/use any drug I could find. What drinking/drugging did was it prevented me from dealing with the tramatic loss of my father. I wasn't able to grieve or to process what had happened. Now that I am in early recovery, I am now trying to deal with those feelings. Although drinking might seem to be the answer in the moment, it will only stop you from working through the feelings you have and you're preventing yourself from going through the natural grieving process.

I hope that you can find some peace and support in those around you. Family support is what I need most in times of loss, maybe it will help you also.

hugs

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Old 10-07-2012, 12:02 PM
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Hello KDH,

I'm so terribly sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your precious child. You and your whole family and all who loved this young man are in my thoughts and prayers. Please accept my sincere condolences.

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Old 10-07-2012, 12:13 PM
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((KDH)) - I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand wanting to numb the feelings, but it really does make things worse (btdt). Not only did the feelings emerge later, I also had to deal with the guilt of not being there for anyone else and the guilt of staying numb all that time. I kinda knew all that in the back of my head, but it didn't stop me until I hit my own bottom. I pray you don't follow my path.

We are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:23 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you must be in....my heart goes out to you. I hope that you are able to find a way to manage your pain and grief without continuing to drink.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:17 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss KDH.

I'm glad you're here tho, especially if you're concerned about your own drinking - you'll find a lot of support in our Newcomers forum should you want to post there anytime

D
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:34 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss.
May your son rest in peace.
I am sure other mums who have experienced similar losses will be along soon with wiser words than I can offer.

Thank you for coming to join our family, I know you will have lots of wisdom to share with others that will help ease the pain.

My very best to you

xxxx
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:54 PM
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I'm so sorry, KDH. To not even know he did heroin and to lose him to it, that must bring extra pain to an already unbearable loss.
Prayers for you , your family, and all involved in this painful loss.

May your son rest sweetly, as he is finally free from his pain.

we are here for you.

chicory
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:55 PM
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((KDH)) I'm so so sorry )-:
I was the same with the drinking after my ex died, and I didn't really stop for about 2 years. Sometimes the pain just is too much to bear, and losing a loved one this way can just feel so senseless. Of course it's true that it doesn't help, in fact it causes other problems you then have to deal with later, but it's also so understandable.
For me in the end I got helped by going to Buddhist talks. I had lost faith in my old idea of God, but the Buddhist philosophy really spoke to me and I found myself believing there was a point to it all again! That was what helped me in the end, but it took a long long time.
But the loss of your son is still so recent. I can't begin to know the pain that you are in right now. I am glad you're here.
I wish I could give you a hug in real life. xxx
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:03 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but very sorry for the reason that brought you here. Please accept my sympathy about your son's death. It is a tragic loss for you and all who loved him.

I turned to alcohol to numb my pain after the loss of my mother. I promise you this ~ alcohol did not make anything better. It was all still there waiting for me to deal with later on......

I was offered grief counseling by the local Hospice organization ~ even tho I lived in another state. I refused their help, as I wanted to handle it myself on my own terms. My drinking just kept me from facing my grief. I didn't understand grief, and did not know how to process it in a healthy way. Therefore I chose to drink it away.

Today, based on my experience ~ I encourage you to put down the alcohol and reach out for professional help from people trained to help us process our grief. Grief is a normal emotion and can be processed in healthy ways.

Your reaching out here today is a good thing! I am proud of you for taking this step. Please keep reaching out here and in your local community for support.

You are worth the effort!

We care about you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:12 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss and terrible pain. to not even be aware must be so horrible too, especially your child... i can't even imagine going through this with my child.

there is no time limit on grief....my friend lost her adult son to a sudden death (not drug related) and she reacted very much like you did, visited his grave every morning for years. I'm glad to tell you that she did work through it with someone professional and is more at peace.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:18 PM
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My heart breaks for you, I can't even imagine the pain.. My prayers are with you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:51 PM
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Thank you everyone.
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Old 10-07-2012, 03:14 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about this loss. Grieving is hard. I posted a link you might find helpful. It's a good group. I had to get sober first. I went inpatient so I was getting 24 hour support for the grief and learning how to be sober. It was the best call I'd made in a long time.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.


Love from Lenina

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Old 10-08-2012, 11:35 AM
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prayers of comfort and peace for you ~

please keep reaching out for support -
I personally believe our loved ones that have left us want the very best for the ones they leave behind ~ I believe your son would want you to do well, to recovery and to find peace.

Just my way to deal with the loss of my loved ones,
gentle pink hugs,
Rita
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Old 10-12-2012, 03:08 AM
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So sorry for your loss x
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