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abandonment issues after the death...

Old 05-24-2011, 08:48 AM
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abandonment issues after the death...

aband'on: desert; give up altogether--n, freedom from inhibitions---abandoned: deserted, forsaken, uninhibited; wiked

I was pregnant (17 weeks) when my husband died, suddenly, and my son was only 10 months old....

I am feeling it now the abondonment issues....everyone up and left me to grieve because "i was hard to handle" was the excuse...

all of MY friend and HIS friends(and family) and OUR friends together...LEFT...no good bye, just never came around after i buried him...

I feel so alone, and abandoned...i never had to deal with these feelings before...its been 9 years....

ran into his best friend, to whom i have not seen in YEARS...we where good friends...HE has his life...they all have their lives with their spouses...I just feel all LEFT OUT....

I thought i dealt with this...maybe not?...
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:00 PM
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nobody?
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:41 PM
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((fourmaggie))

Hi hon. I haven't been on very much for the last year or more. Something brought me here today.

I've been abandonded my whole life. Mom, Dad, sisters, brothers, friends, husbands. It is a hollow sad feeling. Used to make me start questioning my own worth. I became alone, even if surrounded by a hundred people. I'm really still that way to a point. I don't trust peoples sincerity. Heck, get hurt enough, and you just don't trust anyone any more. I learned the hard way that the only person who would truely be there for me through thick and thin, was myself.

Those friends that you spoke of, they weren't really friends, they were aquaintances.
Even though it has been nine years, you are still grieving the loss. It never really goes away, we just learn to adjust our lives to live with it.

Just wanted you to know, someone hears you, and I care. I don't have any words to help ease the pain, but I do care.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:31 PM
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Sending you a hug Maggie :ghug3

I don't have any great words of wisdom to share with you. Maybe some issues are coming up that you did not work through all the way back then. Now might be the time when you are strong enough to deal with those emotions. I think our brains keep things at bay until we are ready to deal with them. Grief has been that way for me.

People react strangely and some just run away because dealing with death and loss head on is so difficult. Some of those people may not so much have abandoned you but ran away from thier own feelings or could not face yours.

I hope you feel better soon!
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Old 05-26-2011, 05:51 AM
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@frankly...thank you so much for your support...my late husband is MY Higher Power and i feel it everyday and growing to TRUST in him.....

@Lola...its funny, yes i am grieving certain feelings now that i COULD NOT way back then...i totally see it and agree with you..that i just realized yesterday IN MY HOME GROUP MEETING...you know how sometimes the words just come out without thinking...well, that happened to me...I get it! I am so aware of it now, and gonna accept that fact...

thank you for sharing and replying ....
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:44 AM
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((maggie))
Let me say that I hate so much that you have felt abandoned by your "friends" - I pray that your HP sends you new ones that have the healthy ability to be strong true ones thru thick and then!

I so hope this doesn't come out wrong - it's hard to type words with the right "tone" of voice = but THANK you for sharing this - It helps me so much to know what to look for and what to NOT do with our granddaughter. . .

It helps me to know what things she might be feeling because at 7 I'm sure it's hard for her to put a name on the emotional and to TELL me - rather than act out - this way I can explore it with her and try to help her process it.

This helps me to understand why she is so clingy and feels the need to be with me 24/7 - it helps me to ask my God to help me NOT to feel so smothered when she is not allowing me any space - it helps me to know that at those times she not acting out - she's just scared and just needs some reassurance.

I truly am very sorry you have had to go thru this horrid experience, but my friend it was not in vain - it has truly helped a beautiful little blonde hair blue eyed little girl who I love dearly - THANK YOU - THANK YOU So very very much!!!!!!!

Please keep reaching out - I'm sure there are others who could benefit from this too!

You are a special angel in our corner!!!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:56 AM
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*tear in my eye* thank you...
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:41 PM
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Hi fourmaggie,
So sorry this happened to you! I just wanted to say that I also found the same thing after A died. My brothers didn't come to the funeral, and the phone just didn't ring for about 3 months. I was dumbfounded. Perpelexed. Wondered what I'd done wrong. Then people started to say things like, "It was on the cards" and "don't dwell on it". ??????????
Just wanted you to know that you're not alone with that experience. I think noone knows what to say? maybe? I don't know! But others have told me they too went through this after losing their significant other.
It's lonely and embittering too. I have had to fight the bitterness and forgive the ones I missed enough to begin to make efforts towards them because I actually thought I was going to go crazy with the aloneness - still sometimes feel that way. In the end I forgave because I realised that they really didn't understand! And some just didn't know what to say, or couldn't face another in that much grief. But I too felt abandoned, and still struggle with those feelings.
It's terrible! I'm sorry. It's horrible to feel so alone in grief, and for you also having two small children, it must have been hell! The only good thing about it for me is that I realised I'm actually quite a strong person, or have had to be anyway - as have you xxxx
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Old 05-29-2011, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by frankly View Post
((fourmaggie))

Hi hon. I haven't been on very much for the last year or more. Something brought me here today.

I've been abandonded my whole life. Mom, Dad, sisters, brothers, friends, husbands. It is a hollow sad feeling. Used to make me start questioning my own worth. I became alone, even if surrounded by a hundred people. I'm really still that way to a point. I don't trust peoples sincerity. Heck, get hurt enough, and you just don't trust anyone any more. I learned the hard way that the only person who would truely be there for me through thick and thin, was myself.

Those friends that you spoke of, they weren't really friends, they were aquaintances.
Even though it has been nine years, you are still grieving the loss. It never really goes away, we just learn to adjust our lives to live with it.

Just wanted you to know, someone hears you, and I care. I don't have any words to help ease the pain, but I do care.

Hugs and Prayers
B
^ THIS

That is exactly what I was thinking when I read your post...I have been abandoned many many times myself by my entire family, both nuclear and extended, and it gets to be too much for me to handle sometimes, the loneliness that is. At that point where I just feel downright worthless, I play with my dog. It might seem weird but you know what, he's my friend, a true friend and I can talk to him as much as I want and he will always listen and offer me unconditional love. I have to realize he NEEDS me, so I am not worthless, I am of some good to something or somebody, just like you are to all of us here on SR. SR is amazing and I don't know where I would be without it, there are many on here that I would consider true friends. ((fourmaggie)) Keep working on it, we all have our down moments but there are also the good ones too.
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Old 05-30-2011, 03:08 PM
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you know, i have never met you people (YET) and i feel so close to all of you because i can really ask those questions and be so very HONEST with my feelings....
and dealing with this certain feeling is what I COULD not do BACK THEN..i agree there too....

thank you for sharing with me...i have my children and my kitty..JASON i so agree with you there....unconditional love...and so love those purring moments
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:43 PM
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Maggie, so sorry. That is very bad. I do agree with others here about people not knowing what to do or say.
When my Downe's syndrome brother died at 14 in 1985, there was a massive funeral.
We were well known even though he wasn't. He was kind of particular about who he liked and disliked. lol. Well. amongst the dumbest things I have ever heard said to a parent, "It is a happy day for you". Yup, they did. And, the best from a drunk priest who had issues with us and my father in particular, "You are glad he is dead, he was an embarrassment to you. You just want perfect children".
My uncle died a year and a half ago and my aunt is in bits. She hates other people who get to have their husbands, and does not want to hear their opinions. I can understand that. It is a case of simply NOT having a clue! He had cancer 20 yrs ago, smoked and was overweight. He was also extremely active and literally died in his car!
I explained it to my mother,who questioned my aunt's grief, surprised at the depth of her grief, with this; "But, he never died before." Yea, he was a timebomb, but he seemed bombproof!
She still doesn't get it and I honestly think she is jealous of my aunt. That she figured out this flawed man and his wife actually may just, have had a good marriage!
Anyhoo, as mentioned above, I think that at this stage, your mind and heart are ready to deal with this issue. I truly believe in some people's love being so strong, that they die with their loved one. You may have done so except that you had two little babies to keep you around. You may have been hard going and if you were, so what? You probably just had enough fuel left to deal with being a mother. Some people want the bereaved person to comfort them! I bet you came across a few of those. And, also, there is a little tension sometimes between in-laws and spouses about who is MORE bereaved. Like, you only came along ----, we were always there. That kind of baloney. I figure , as with children especially, the more people who love them, the better.

I kind of rambled on there, but what I want to say is, I hear you! You are wonderful.
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Old 05-30-2011, 06:38 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
aband'on: desert; give up altogether--n, freedom from inhibitions---abandoned: deserted, forsaken, uninhibited; wiked

I was pregnant (17 weeks) when my husband died, suddenly, and my son was only 10 months old....

I am feeling it now the abondonment issues....everyone up and left me to grieve because "i was hard to handle" was the excuse...

all of MY friend and HIS friends(and family) and OUR friends together...LEFT...no good bye, just never came around after i buried him...

I feel so alone, and abandoned...i never had to deal with these feelings before...its been 9 years....

ran into his best friend, to whom i have not seen in YEARS...we where good friends...HE has his life...they all have their lives with their spouses...I just feel all LEFT OUT....

I thought i dealt with this...maybe not?...
(((Maggie)))

That had to be so very hard for you. To be a young mommy,and to be pregnant with your second child. I am so sorry that no one could deal with facing this with you. We can be pretty selfish as people, even when we dont realize we are. Perhaps they did not wish to see you hurt, by talking about it. They probably did not realize that you WERE hurting more by dealing with it alone.

My sister was 8 months pregnant, and had a 1 year old, when her husband was killed in a car wreck. He was drinking and drag racing with friends. He was 20 years old.

She bore it quietly. We did not talk about it, as she and I never shared things anyway. We had and still have a very strained relationship, as children of alcoholics. I don't know if she ever dealt with it herself. We spent much time together, and I was close to her children. baby sat for her many many times.and our kids are close.

I hurt often thinking of how it must have seemed so unfair.

I would imagine that you have had some very tough times Maggie. I am sorry that no one felt strong enough, or brave enough, or what ever their reasoning. It is hard to talk to someone about something so painful to them.
A lady I work with just lost her husband of 60 years. No one talks about him, and they seem to avoid talking to her , like she is broken or something. I feel like she needs to talk about him. He did exist! and he is still in her thoughts and heart, and I acknowledge that by asking her things about him and her. By not talking about it, would nt that make you feel like you were trying to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was going on? Her husband was important, and I believe that we should keep them with us, by remembering, by laughing and crying , by asking her if she is ok. I know it is not much, but her heart must be full of pain and I want to acknowledge that. I hurt for her.

I hurt for you too maggie. that was a terrible blow to your world, and it sounds as if you are only now able to face some things that were too painful for so long. We are here for you.
Your feeling abandoned. It is so different when you get divorced, or the person leaves you for another. that can be understood.
You are not alone Maggie. We are friends here. We know how to deal with some hard things. we know how important it is to talk about what hurts.

I know that your husband would not have wished you to hurt, or to be lonely. He is your HP now, and perhaps he feels the time is right for you to find out that he never abandoned you. He had no choice and would never have made that choice to leave you.

you have been blessed with two beautiful children.

I hope i have not hurt you with my ramblings. I have thought about your life story often. I hurt that no one had the sense to know you needed many shoulders to lean on. I can understand how you must have felt abandoned. I would imagine that you are very close with your children.

sending a hug, and hopes for comfort for your heart tonight,
chicory
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Old 06-02-2011, 07:04 PM
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I am reading The journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson.

She says feelings like this are very commonly buried and unknowingly not dealt with under the thought that they have been dealt with until they are triggered, sometimes, years later.

I highly recommend this book. It has helped me alot because she speaks alot of the actual biological reactions in your body that cause/contribute to the feelings we experience.

This made me feel better, because I realized it wasn't just me lacking self esteem or feeling sorry for myself.

Embracing your feelings now and dealing with them is definately a postive move in your life.

Good move!!!
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Old 06-07-2011, 09:55 AM
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Maggie, my heart hurts to read this. You and your babies suffered a tragic loss, especially since the death was sudden, and people abandoned you. That just STINKS! I hope you will come to see that this is truly those people's problem. Death makes people act weird. It's really one of those things that our culture hides from. It's scary to most people, they don't know how to be there for the family of the deceased, it brings up their own fears of death, the hereafter, their spirituality...everything. It doesn't make it even remotely OK or excuse them that they abandoned you when you needed these people most, but it maybe helps to understand why. It's them.

I hope that the support you get here helps. And I agree that you are stronger now and more able to deal with the grief of being left...by your husband and then by your friends/family who were too scared to be selfless and giving when you needed them. Lots of hugs being sent your way.
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Old 06-09-2011, 11:44 AM
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OMG! everyone here is SO OPEN and thank you so much for that and SHARING...someone here did say "its their issues to deal with"...I wonder if they really do..but, that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS, i guess.

i just want to let everyone know that this DOES HAPPEN...it happens when we are young widows or older widows...i have so much compassion now for the grief we live with, and yes, we must move on....i am dealing with that issue now and have faced it with the grace of my Higher Power, and i thank god I CAN FEEL it...i do not ever want to be stagnant (or develop)by holding back, that would make it worse...

thanks for the recommandation of the book, i will look for it, here online...

gosh, i just love you people!!
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