White knuckling it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: canada
Posts: 4
White knuckling it...
Grateful for my white knuckles. Sober two years and 6 days , had more than a decade sober before that. I do alright most of the time. It took me 4 yrs to get most of the addicts left in my life, at bay. But I still get rattled when I see someone I care about literally dying before my eyes. This year my father passed away after suffering alot, at the same time my beloved dog passed on, and I didn't even think about using. But yesterday I had to call 911 for a 28 yr old addict I consider like my own kids. He had lived off and on with me and my kids over the past 8 yrs. last summer I had to kick him out for the final time when he put me in a situation where an acquaintance of his was threatening to kill my whole family. I actually kept a loaded gun at the ready for a month, but he never made good on his threats and died a few months later.
Well, since then I've managed to keep the madness at bay, I've lost so many loved ones to the "speed" in the last few years. Watched so many,once happy, kids buried. Mother of twins, 14 yr olds that are still missing after 4 yrs, grandmas and grandpas, suicide by jumping in front of cars, suicide by train, suicide by o.d , hangings, gunshot, car crashes, jumping out windows, murders...so much darkness.
So yeah, my awesome white knuckles...are better than the alternative. I'm a grandma of 3, mother of four grown kids . I was a heavy enough drinker to have destroyed my kidneys by age 23. When I was 14 I drank at least a mickey on a regular day, a 40 pounder on a party night. When I discovered hard drugs in my 20's, I found the perfect outlet for my self-hatred. But I somehow kept it together enough to raise a family. With the crap that's out there now, there'd be no way I could have.
Fast forward to a dozen-ish yrs ago, I was a dealer of green, a large one at that. Anyhoo, had a few guys slanging for me , but I was insane about them not even associating with ppl who did harder drugs, and one by one, watched just about every one of them fall victim. After one super close buddy , killed himself by train, I packed it in. The irony was that I got him into recovery, and when he found out i was using...I wasn't home and he came in from out of town, and he found evidence. And he ******* killed himself.
So, yeah, white knuckles...I haven't been to a meeting in a dozen or so years. I've taken many ppl to meetings and got them through the door . But I can't even point ppl in that direction here cause the meetings are full to the brim with ppl forced to attend, and well, it's not good. But I absolutely swear by AA and NA programs. They can save you. They saved me. The two ppl who took me to meetings, are rocking their programs for decades now. And although I have no sober supports around me now, I'm doing ok. My white knuckles are the proof.
I come here when I'm at my breaking point. I force myself to share, to record my struggles. So I can remember to be thankful for all I have. I have my life, my dignity, my sanity, my kids and grand kids who are all happy,healthy , good people. I have a nice house, food on my table , free Canadian health care ; ) , how more blessed can I be ?
Every day I see where I could be, I could be lost. But I'm not. My white knuckles prove it.
Well, since then I've managed to keep the madness at bay, I've lost so many loved ones to the "speed" in the last few years. Watched so many,once happy, kids buried. Mother of twins, 14 yr olds that are still missing after 4 yrs, grandmas and grandpas, suicide by jumping in front of cars, suicide by train, suicide by o.d , hangings, gunshot, car crashes, jumping out windows, murders...so much darkness.
So yeah, my awesome white knuckles...are better than the alternative. I'm a grandma of 3, mother of four grown kids . I was a heavy enough drinker to have destroyed my kidneys by age 23. When I was 14 I drank at least a mickey on a regular day, a 40 pounder on a party night. When I discovered hard drugs in my 20's, I found the perfect outlet for my self-hatred. But I somehow kept it together enough to raise a family. With the crap that's out there now, there'd be no way I could have.
Fast forward to a dozen-ish yrs ago, I was a dealer of green, a large one at that. Anyhoo, had a few guys slanging for me , but I was insane about them not even associating with ppl who did harder drugs, and one by one, watched just about every one of them fall victim. After one super close buddy , killed himself by train, I packed it in. The irony was that I got him into recovery, and when he found out i was using...I wasn't home and he came in from out of town, and he found evidence. And he ******* killed himself.
So, yeah, white knuckles...I haven't been to a meeting in a dozen or so years. I've taken many ppl to meetings and got them through the door . But I can't even point ppl in that direction here cause the meetings are full to the brim with ppl forced to attend, and well, it's not good. But I absolutely swear by AA and NA programs. They can save you. They saved me. The two ppl who took me to meetings, are rocking their programs for decades now. And although I have no sober supports around me now, I'm doing ok. My white knuckles are the proof.
I come here when I'm at my breaking point. I force myself to share, to record my struggles. So I can remember to be thankful for all I have. I have my life, my dignity, my sanity, my kids and grand kids who are all happy,healthy , good people. I have a nice house, food on my table , free Canadian health care ; ) , how more blessed can I be ?
Every day I see where I could be, I could be lost. But I'm not. My white knuckles prove it.
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