hollowx

If I said that not drinking is a challenge, I would definitely be understating it. Addiction and this illness has a way of slipping through the cracks if I'm not careful in building a solid foundation. The physical withdrawal symptoms may not kill me, I will be in pain, but alcohol and the drugs will certainly destroy me. I never realized how depressed I am and how much I have to overcome.

Mentally, it's almost like I've gone full circle and I'm seeing the flaws that got me to become an addict in the first place. I stopped growing the day I took my first sip at 16. I loved being around people who I thought were my friends. I connected with them great, the life of the party so to speak, especially since I had my "liquid courage" and other "amenities" by my side. The flip side is as the years went by I used to just want to die, it used to be easier and quieter to go slowly into the night and drown the thoughts, the cares, my life...

I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I would never be understood just the way I am. Having this feeling like something is missing, and never figuring out that I needed to grow up. Development is starting mentally where I left it decades ago.

Getting black-out drunk, waking up in jail, in the hospital, family begging me to stop killing myself, that I get crazy when I'm on these drugs and alcohol. There is a void of memory, and years of moments I will never recover, that's just how it is. They are few, and none.

With the choice to commit to my process, the elimination of certain people, things, places, and maturity has left me feeling like an empty stranger to a world I thought I knew.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I am grateful I have the chance become better than I was yesterday...

Opivotal

Awesome gratitude post, Hollowx!

Thank you.