clean and grateful for life
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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clean and grateful for life
wow. i just wanted to control my drug taking. that's all i wanted. then maybe i wouldn't keep getting arrested for doing things i never set out to do. maybe i'd keep a roof over my head and not end up sleeping in city nooks and crannies, eating out of bins, begging for change, getting blood clots, overdosing, losing relationships with family and loved ones (and just about everybody). maybe i wouldn't feel so ashamed. maybe i wouldn't find myself drinking uncontrollably even though i knew from ER visits that it was ripping up my internal organs.
when they told me i was dying, i was so grateful that night that it was coming to an end - finally. only because i could see no way out of my way of life. i did not really want to die - what i really would have liked was for that way of life to die.
but i did not die - and that way of life did die. personally i landed in a twelve step program of recovery. that's what works for me. like a miracle. except i have to work at it for it to work.
i learnt that i was an addict and controlling my using was never an option - i had a choice of carrying on using substances until the inevitable eventually happened - or throw in the towel, wave the white flag and surrender. to concede defeat - a painful admission, but necessary for me to grow in recovery. i cannot use substances to control the way i feel anymore - i accept feelings the way they are meant to be felt today. good and bad. happy and sad. i do not need to use. for this i am eternally grateful.
i learnt that i could not (and did not have to) do it alone! there are places like SR where addicts actually help one another stay clean!! who'd have thunk it? addicts? helping each other? i learned that my own thinking was screwed up - painful to admit, too. but necessary - so i do not rely on my own thoughts anymore. now i listen to others and to that little voice that sits somewhere deep inside me - the voice that didn't get heard for many, many years - the one that always knows the right thing to do.
i learnt that all those people i blamed for my suffering, it was not there fault. in fact it was in many instances me that had been inflicting hurt on innocent others. usually those closest to me. it was painful to see this truth. but the wonderful thing that came out of it is that as a result i am able to practice making good what i made wrong. it wouldn't have been possible otherwise.
many people have cried when i came to offer amends to them, to share and admit my wrongdoings. they are often overwhelmed. more often they ask me to help them or someone else in some way, or simply to continue the work i am doing - what an honor that is. it is such a gift that i can help others in myriad aspects of life. the people whom i hurt, they once cried for all the wrong reasons. how things have changed.
when i find myself welling up with tears today, they are no longer bitter tears of self-pity. they are sweet tears of immense gratitude for having had the veil of denial lifted and that i can see the world as it really is - its joys and its sorrows - and my part in it all. the truth.
i am grateful that i have freedom from active addiction. in a short 14 months i have been through rehab, volunteered helping street homeless and helping people in addiction. i am grateful, truly, for that privilege. i have rebuilt the bridges with my family i thought i might have burned forever, i have started work in a field i never dreamed possible, i am gaining qualifications, helping others in my spare time, taking pride in managing a home and nurturing so many genuine friendships that i didn't believe really existed in the world. for all this i am brimming with gratitude.
not least i am grateful for SR and how it has facilitated the coming together of many beautiful characters from around the globe, helping one another to jump some of life's hurdles together - people who understand one another like nobody else does. thank you all.
together, recovery is possible for anyone. i am not alone!! recovery rocks
when they told me i was dying, i was so grateful that night that it was coming to an end - finally. only because i could see no way out of my way of life. i did not really want to die - what i really would have liked was for that way of life to die.
but i did not die - and that way of life did die. personally i landed in a twelve step program of recovery. that's what works for me. like a miracle. except i have to work at it for it to work.
i learnt that i was an addict and controlling my using was never an option - i had a choice of carrying on using substances until the inevitable eventually happened - or throw in the towel, wave the white flag and surrender. to concede defeat - a painful admission, but necessary for me to grow in recovery. i cannot use substances to control the way i feel anymore - i accept feelings the way they are meant to be felt today. good and bad. happy and sad. i do not need to use. for this i am eternally grateful.
i learnt that i could not (and did not have to) do it alone! there are places like SR where addicts actually help one another stay clean!! who'd have thunk it? addicts? helping each other? i learned that my own thinking was screwed up - painful to admit, too. but necessary - so i do not rely on my own thoughts anymore. now i listen to others and to that little voice that sits somewhere deep inside me - the voice that didn't get heard for many, many years - the one that always knows the right thing to do.
i learnt that all those people i blamed for my suffering, it was not there fault. in fact it was in many instances me that had been inflicting hurt on innocent others. usually those closest to me. it was painful to see this truth. but the wonderful thing that came out of it is that as a result i am able to practice making good what i made wrong. it wouldn't have been possible otherwise.
many people have cried when i came to offer amends to them, to share and admit my wrongdoings. they are often overwhelmed. more often they ask me to help them or someone else in some way, or simply to continue the work i am doing - what an honor that is. it is such a gift that i can help others in myriad aspects of life. the people whom i hurt, they once cried for all the wrong reasons. how things have changed.
when i find myself welling up with tears today, they are no longer bitter tears of self-pity. they are sweet tears of immense gratitude for having had the veil of denial lifted and that i can see the world as it really is - its joys and its sorrows - and my part in it all. the truth.
i am grateful that i have freedom from active addiction. in a short 14 months i have been through rehab, volunteered helping street homeless and helping people in addiction. i am grateful, truly, for that privilege. i have rebuilt the bridges with my family i thought i might have burned forever, i have started work in a field i never dreamed possible, i am gaining qualifications, helping others in my spare time, taking pride in managing a home and nurturing so many genuine friendships that i didn't believe really existed in the world. for all this i am brimming with gratitude.
not least i am grateful for SR and how it has facilitated the coming together of many beautiful characters from around the globe, helping one another to jump some of life's hurdles together - people who understand one another like nobody else does. thank you all.
together, recovery is possible for anyone. i am not alone!! recovery rocks
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