Risky Behavior, could've been worse, but it wasn't
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25
Risky Behavior, could've been worse, but it wasn't
When I was using, there were a lot of times in my life where sleep was hard to come by. Sometimes if I was up all night, not necessarily high or drunk, I would head out in the early morning and just drive.
It would be around 5 or 6 am. I'd be alone in my car, sometimes the radio was on, sometimes it wasn't. I usually wound up in the worst neighborhoods of Philadelphia. I'd just drive, and look around. I'd see the bombed out buildings and the zombies shuffling along with that dead look in their eyes. I'd wonder to myself what these people's lives were like. How did they get here? Were they trying to leave? What sorts of things have they seen? Did they like their life? Did they even care? It was a morbid curiosity.
I wasn't out specifically looking for something to help me sleep, but if I happened to roll up on a street corner and there was someone looking to sell me something, it made it that much better.
I haven't done that in a long while.
Fast forward to last night.
I've been sober for about 2.5 years. Things are going good. I'm out with a friend. We'd been out to dinner and it's time to go. I start to make my way home. I decided to stop off at another place to pick up some ice cream, but halfway there I decided it wouldn't be a good idea. I'd be better off saving my money. I make a few right turns and make my way up Lehigh Ave in Philadelphia. I decided that I didn't want to go home yet and felt like driving around. I keep driving up Lehigh, I know the area a little, but not extremely well. I get to Kensington Ave. I go to meetings along Kensington Ave. sometimes. It's not the best area, but there's some real good sobriety around there.
I decide to drive beyond Kensington Ave. further into North Philly. I don't think I've ever been up that way. I didn't know where I would end up, but I figured I would hit another major street and make my way back home.
I keep driving. Things are starting to get a little dicey. I hear a crack and then another crack off in the distance. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. I decide I better go back the way I came. I made a right down Front st. and kept driving. I didn't realize at first, but this is one of the biggest open air drug markets in the city. People were everywhere. Mobs of people are on some of the corners, other corners just had a single person. Lights are knocked out, houses are boarded up. It's a war zone.
I'm starting to get nervous at this point. I try to make a quick right, but it leads to a dark secluded area that just doesn't look good at all. I think I may have gotten some coke here before. Also, the fact that it's 9pm and dark out doesn't help things. I back my car up before making the complete turn and go back down Front st. That's must've looked like a shady move in a real shady area.
By now I'm completely frightened. I've been in spots like this a hundred times before and never felt like this. This is the place were death happens. I keep driving down Front St and make a quick right onto Allegheny. I drive down to Aramingo and make a left to hop on 95 to take me home. My stomach's in knots and my face is cold.
What the hell just happened?
Honestly, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I'm not doing something right with my program, but I'm not sure. I haven't called my sponsor about this, but I think I will.
I have no idea why this effected me the way it did. I'm still going over this in my mind. It almost feels like I did something wrong and have the urge to apologize to someone. It's madness.
I've done this a hundred times before, why would this be any different? It was somehow.
I don't know if the gratitude section is the right place for this to be, but I am grateful. I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I'm grateful I have a job to go to. I'm grateful I still have my sobriety. I'm grateful I still have my life. So many times in my life the lights could've been turned off. Drinking and driving, saying the wrong thing to someone, looking at someone the wrong way in the wrong neighborhood, drug deal gone wrong etc.
There but for the grace of God go I….
It would be around 5 or 6 am. I'd be alone in my car, sometimes the radio was on, sometimes it wasn't. I usually wound up in the worst neighborhoods of Philadelphia. I'd just drive, and look around. I'd see the bombed out buildings and the zombies shuffling along with that dead look in their eyes. I'd wonder to myself what these people's lives were like. How did they get here? Were they trying to leave? What sorts of things have they seen? Did they like their life? Did they even care? It was a morbid curiosity.
I wasn't out specifically looking for something to help me sleep, but if I happened to roll up on a street corner and there was someone looking to sell me something, it made it that much better.
I haven't done that in a long while.
Fast forward to last night.
I've been sober for about 2.5 years. Things are going good. I'm out with a friend. We'd been out to dinner and it's time to go. I start to make my way home. I decided to stop off at another place to pick up some ice cream, but halfway there I decided it wouldn't be a good idea. I'd be better off saving my money. I make a few right turns and make my way up Lehigh Ave in Philadelphia. I decided that I didn't want to go home yet and felt like driving around. I keep driving up Lehigh, I know the area a little, but not extremely well. I get to Kensington Ave. I go to meetings along Kensington Ave. sometimes. It's not the best area, but there's some real good sobriety around there.
I decide to drive beyond Kensington Ave. further into North Philly. I don't think I've ever been up that way. I didn't know where I would end up, but I figured I would hit another major street and make my way back home.
I keep driving. Things are starting to get a little dicey. I hear a crack and then another crack off in the distance. I'm pretty sure I know what it is. I decide I better go back the way I came. I made a right down Front st. and kept driving. I didn't realize at first, but this is one of the biggest open air drug markets in the city. People were everywhere. Mobs of people are on some of the corners, other corners just had a single person. Lights are knocked out, houses are boarded up. It's a war zone.
I'm starting to get nervous at this point. I try to make a quick right, but it leads to a dark secluded area that just doesn't look good at all. I think I may have gotten some coke here before. Also, the fact that it's 9pm and dark out doesn't help things. I back my car up before making the complete turn and go back down Front st. That's must've looked like a shady move in a real shady area.
By now I'm completely frightened. I've been in spots like this a hundred times before and never felt like this. This is the place were death happens. I keep driving down Front St and make a quick right onto Allegheny. I drive down to Aramingo and make a left to hop on 95 to take me home. My stomach's in knots and my face is cold.
What the hell just happened?
Honestly, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I'm not doing something right with my program, but I'm not sure. I haven't called my sponsor about this, but I think I will.
I have no idea why this effected me the way it did. I'm still going over this in my mind. It almost feels like I did something wrong and have the urge to apologize to someone. It's madness.
I've done this a hundred times before, why would this be any different? It was somehow.
I don't know if the gratitude section is the right place for this to be, but I am grateful. I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I'm grateful I have a job to go to. I'm grateful I still have my sobriety. I'm grateful I still have my life. So many times in my life the lights could've been turned off. Drinking and driving, saying the wrong thing to someone, looking at someone the wrong way in the wrong neighborhood, drug deal gone wrong etc.
There but for the grace of God go I….
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