Shmeckle

I'm 22 years old american male fresh out of his first night of withdrawal with severe anxiety. I went to the E.R. and gave me some benzos, telling me my symptoms weren't that serious. Anyways, I'm posting this to share as much as I can of a really vivid dream I had last night while tossing and turning that I felt was pretty eye-opening and haunting, and gave me more perspective on my situation. Which I'm grateful for, that's why I'm posting it here. I don't believe dreams are meaningful beyond being a random jumble of thoughts, fears, and experiences, but I do believe that every now and then by chance they'll line up in such a way that they happen to tell you what you need to know, and I think this is one of those times.

In my dream it was me and my girlfriend, and we had a house. It was dreary and a little rundown, not a clean house, Dirty carpets, peeling wallpaper, dusty, etc. Also in the dream, we had a daughter. It was weird because the daughter never showed up, but I just new she was there, somewhere, and I was worrying about her. In real life, I don't have kids, btw. so this was an interesting feeling.

We were having some sort of party. Not the kind with booze and drugs and music and people getting smashed; but a more adult party where everyone was acting civil. Familiar faces floating through our haunt, chatting but not really saying anything. It was weird, it felt hollow and lonely there. I see my girlfriend (in the dream, I'm guessing she was my wife) standing through the door way, tears in her eyes. She looks too skinny, and pale. unhealthy. She wants to talk to me outside.

We go outside, and what was out there wasn't anything like you would expect the outdoors to look. The house was on a cliff, overlooking a large rocky river far below. On the side of the house, the river branched off and there was a series of iron gratings and cages. Everything was so overcast and dreary. We walk in to a big iron-grated room where we can hear and see rushing water. The dream was vivid enough I could smell it, like a waterfall on a hot day. I ask her what's wrong. We stand there ignoring the running water pouring over us. She has an emotional breakdown and starts talking about herself in the third person, in a little boston girl's voice, skirting the issue. This disturbs me because I know IRL she has a genetic predisposition to mental illness. She starts crying and confesses to me that she's been "using" and doesn't think she can stop. I try to comfort her, saying the first couple days are always the worst and that it gets better, but she just cries and collapses and there's no feelings but loneliness and despair.

this is where the relevent portion of the dream ends, After that it goes to me feeding and running away from ominous shark monsters.

I found this dream so haunting because in real life, it's the other way around. I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years now and she's been clean and way more supportive of me than most people would be when their boyfriend descends into dangerous levels of alcoholism. Even in a dream, it feels incredibly painful to see one of the most important people of your life broken of mind, broken of hope, with a foot in the grave.

I catch her crying sometimes when I put on a fake smile and pretend things are OK, I've always felt guilty about it, but this gave me a glimpse in to what I've really been doing to her mind, and I can't bare the thought of drinking myself in to the ground while she watches, a sense of hopelesness and despair as the one she loves slowly kills himself.