I am grateful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
I am grateful
for the fellowship of AA.
When I went back to the rooms I was so sick of drinking and drugging that for the first thirty days or so the thought of using completely left me. It came back and with the help of my sponsor I learned about the thought, what it really is. It's not me, it's my disease. My disease will remind me of the ease and comfort that comes from the first drink or two, it completely denies the truth of where I end up. Usually, staring at some wall somewhere at 5 in the morning wishing I could come down enough to drive home. Knowing that my family will wake up shortly and be hurt all over again.
My diseases job is to remind me of the good times, my job is to remember the bad, the part my alcoholism keeps hidden from me. After a few months of concentrating on seperating who I really am from my disease, the thoughts subsided and over the past two years I've lived generally trigger free, an occasional thought, maybe a dozen or so but they would quickly go away.
Recently I've been under stress from lack of work (bills piling up) the roofing business has been bad this winter. I was in good shape spiritually up until about two weeks ago and now I find myself struggling all over again. My alcoholism must lay in wait until I'm at some weak point and then BAM.
I've been attending extra meetings and sharing, it's so easy for me to share and think I've got the program so down....ha....surely all the people in the meetings must know from what I share that I'm the most sober person in the room....really, I'm so full of it. I have a group of guys that I'm really close to and from all outward appearances they must all think I've got a good grip on sobriety.
Last night I finally came clean about what was going on in my head. I went to back to back meetings, they were very small because of the weather but I had a chance to let go of this monster in my head. I brought up the topic, of what I was going through and just saying the words, "telling on my disease" I feel much better today.
I thought I was past these feelings, my sobriety had grown strong and made me invincible, as if when I give out advice and help other people I can quit worrying about my sobriety, I can take it for granted. I want to thank SR, I just started posting on here recently and it's helped me immensely in a short time but most of all I want to express my deep gratitude for the program of Alcoholic Anonymous, with out the program I'm convinced I would lose my battle with my disease.
God's Peace
When I went back to the rooms I was so sick of drinking and drugging that for the first thirty days or so the thought of using completely left me. It came back and with the help of my sponsor I learned about the thought, what it really is. It's not me, it's my disease. My disease will remind me of the ease and comfort that comes from the first drink or two, it completely denies the truth of where I end up. Usually, staring at some wall somewhere at 5 in the morning wishing I could come down enough to drive home. Knowing that my family will wake up shortly and be hurt all over again.
My diseases job is to remind me of the good times, my job is to remember the bad, the part my alcoholism keeps hidden from me. After a few months of concentrating on seperating who I really am from my disease, the thoughts subsided and over the past two years I've lived generally trigger free, an occasional thought, maybe a dozen or so but they would quickly go away.
Recently I've been under stress from lack of work (bills piling up) the roofing business has been bad this winter. I was in good shape spiritually up until about two weeks ago and now I find myself struggling all over again. My alcoholism must lay in wait until I'm at some weak point and then BAM.
I've been attending extra meetings and sharing, it's so easy for me to share and think I've got the program so down....ha....surely all the people in the meetings must know from what I share that I'm the most sober person in the room....really, I'm so full of it. I have a group of guys that I'm really close to and from all outward appearances they must all think I've got a good grip on sobriety.
Last night I finally came clean about what was going on in my head. I went to back to back meetings, they were very small because of the weather but I had a chance to let go of this monster in my head. I brought up the topic, of what I was going through and just saying the words, "telling on my disease" I feel much better today.
I thought I was past these feelings, my sobriety had grown strong and made me invincible, as if when I give out advice and help other people I can quit worrying about my sobriety, I can take it for granted. I want to thank SR, I just started posting on here recently and it's helped me immensely in a short time but most of all I want to express my deep gratitude for the program of Alcoholic Anonymous, with out the program I'm convinced I would lose my battle with my disease.
God's Peace
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