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Old 10-10-2018, 08:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I'm angry because I'm gay?


So I was in a shaky and unstable mental space in my mid-20's the first time I got clean, so maybe I heard wrong or misconstrued what they were saying ...

but I could have swore I used to hear people in this LGBT NA meetings always share that they were angry because they were gay.

I've been in and out of recovery for the past 8 years (mostly clean), and I've done some dangerous and unhealthy stuff trying to be with women at some points. And this past month I'm so exhausted and annoyed knowing I can perform with a female, but learning that my attraction to men is much, much stronger. I don't even know if I was ever truthfully attracted to females. Feel like I cannot accept myself, and I've done two fourth/fifth steps.

There's more I can say, but I don't want to have such a large text, and i know this section of the boards rarely gets any traffic.
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Old 10-10-2018, 08:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I left out ...

I have rage issues

and I was wandering if anyone could identify or understand the idea of being angry because of their sexual orientation.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I was angry when I fought my sexual orientation.

Once I got sober I started dating and having sex with men again. It's been great and my anger is much decreased.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I am not gay, One- however my sponsor is and my homegroup is a rainbow group- set up for LBTQI- as well as welcoming people like me. All I can suggest after listening to the paths travelled by people in this group- is support is very important. That is something I believe- only the LBTQI community can do- perhaps in connection with a CBT psychologist to work on everyday stuff.
All I can do - is offer my prayers and support....I do know even in my little city- the issues you raise are not uncommon.
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Old 10-11-2018, 10:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I saw your post under my "new posts" and I wanted to read it, although I am not gay. I am interested in gay issues. For many years, I had a close male gay friend in the closet. He fought his true sexual orientation for a long time and tried to "act straight" around everyone. We used to think he would've been happier if he came out.

Here's a popular AA slogan from Shakespeare:
To thy own self be true.

Love who you are, without any shame.

I think Mindful Man's post sums it up really well.

When I'm around someone who is openly gay, or just someone who is living their truth, there is an ease about them and how they carry themselves. My friend who was not openly gay never was like this. He seemed to have deep seated anger issues that would rear its ugly head around us now and then.
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Old 10-11-2018, 03:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi One,

I too am not gay but I agree with the other posters: acceptance is a major part of recovery. In my experience, the problem for me wasn't so much that I was an alcoholic - it was that I tried to live as though I was not. Until I was able to accept myself as I am, I was stuck.

Namaste means "the divine in me bows to the divine in you." You are perfect as you were born, and to love as you will. Namaste, One23, and best wishes on your journey in sobriety.
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Old 10-11-2018, 04:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Just to be clear....I'm gay AF.

I think that gay men have some additional issues. Self-loathing and internalized homophobia cause a lot of bitterness, anger and bad behavior, particularly to each other. We also have to go through the coming out process. Straight people never had to come to terms with the fact that they are straight...it's kind of a given. Of course things are changing for the 20somethings. Gender itself is generally accepted to be fluid.

There is a huge cross addiction to meth and alcohol and possibly other substances in the gay community. Also socialization tends to revolve around bars, although the internet is decreasing that due to dating/hookup apps.

All in all, it's an interesting time to be gay, and it's always a fantastic time to be sober.. I wouldn't miss it for anything.
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Old 10-12-2018, 08:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Mindful Man-thanks for explaining that. I never knew that. It helps me to understand even more what the gay population go through.

I'm going to step away from this thread now. Good luck to you, One.
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Old 10-12-2018, 09:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Yes I was for many years but it's eased off in me now.

I was involved with a guy up untill recently, you could read my threads if you want, that also had issues with his sexuality. We were very close, had a sexual and emotional relationship. For him he maintained he was not gay, but anytime he got high or drunk he would contact me and we would be intimate.

He was a footballer and was in a very macho world so for him it would be extra hard. He relapsed in June and entered rehab. He had huge anger issues and I think there was a lot of internalised self hatred. He had many girlfriends, probably the most attractive man I've ever met. He treated them all terribly, I believe because he couldn't love himself. So sad.

Since then he has detached to deal with recovery. Will he ever deal with his sexuality. I hope so.

So your not alone.
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Old 11-07-2018, 07:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I was raised with a very religious upbringing and had a lot of anger because of who I was but did not want to accept. No amount of prayer would make it go away and it made me very angry. Getting sober has become a huge exercise in acceptance of myself. The more I accept that this is just how I am, the less angry I am. Still have issues but its much better.
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Old 11-09-2018, 11:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by gettingsmarter View Post
I was raised with a very religious upbringing and had a lot of anger because of who I was but did not want to accept. No amount of prayer would make it go away and it made me very angry. Getting sober has become a huge exercise in acceptance of myself. The more I accept that this is just how I am, the less angry I am. Still have issues but its much better.
Can I ask how you have done your recovery? Have you used 12 step programme?
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Old 11-16-2018, 07:48 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Glenjo,

I pretty much use/used the concepts of AVRT and this website to stay sober. Went to some AA meetings but it wasn't for me.
When I read through the AVRT material it made perfect sense. It helped me quit smoking too.
I stayed logged into this site for probably a year straight and came here 50 times a day at first.

I am coming up on 4 years now.
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Old 11-27-2018, 08:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Getting sober and coming out fully to myself and others were closely intertwined for me. I made the decision to stop drinking using the principals of AVRT, and I also made the decision that I was going to stop quashing my sexuality and let the "wish I were straight" feelings go away.

I've both discovered how much more superior sobriety is over addictive drinking and using, and how much better life is when I'm an unencumbered sexual being. Following my libido is far better than denying it. I've gone beyond no longer wishing I weren't gay to celebrating the fact that I am.
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Old 11-27-2018, 09:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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but I could have swore I used to hear people in this LGBT NA meetings always share that they were angry because they were gay.
You don't need to lay that one on yourself when so many people out there want you to be angry because you are gay, or want you to feel you are at fault. Just knowing they are out there should be enough to make you angry, but things have changed a lot in 20 years, and even more so in 40 years. I doubt you would find as many LGBT people sharing "they are angry because they were gay" today compared to 20 years ago.

It seems to me that the biggest problem gays have to live with is an intolerant society. At least in the past. That's changing, but there are still bigots out there, probably always will be. Sometimes I'm surprised than so many gay people handle it as well as they do. At least they seem to handle it well, some better than others.

Do you have a gay group you can get some help from? A group that is supportive and understands?
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Old 12-19-2018, 06:59 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks guys for the responses. They gave me great insight. I was not really able to grasp the topic on my own or immediately, so i just read without replying and let more be revealed. As for support, I have support to stay sober and stable, but I have no LGBT friends currently.

The thing I feel about my sexuality is that it's more than being attracted to men. It's about what I'm comfortable doing with someone in bed, and with whom. I've had so many unpleasant interactions with men, that I wondered about myself. I have to attempt to get better with intimacy and people-pleasing.

The other thing was I was very self-conscious around the time I made this thread. I had to use a sponsor and therapist to deal with my thinking that everyone could tell I was gay and dealt with Mental illness. I felt judged and that "everyone knew". Important people in my life know, but the rest i should stop projecting about, if I am not ready to tell them yet.
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