I am over being gay in AA and being shamed for who I am. OVER IT - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 09-04-2017, 07:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I am over being gay in AA and being shamed for who I am. OVER IT


I am just about to ******* drop out of AA. This is ridiculous, the program is not conducive to gay people whatsoever. All this men with men ******** they force on you at every meeting. You get shamed for having a female sponsor. THE ONE gay person I know in the program who has been sober for a while has gone through a "gay conversion" and is now claiming to be straight again, probably to appease the god damn judgmental straight white men. This is all just ********. I am not going to live some way of life where I have to apologize for who I am. Even in my old town, the only gay guys were just like arm candy for the rich white women who made sassy comments and did their hair but didn't actually have any real relationship with any of the straight white people in the programs. These religious nutjobs that run this god damn program are a bunch of judgmental assholes. My idiot father has been making me go to these meetings for TWO YEARS now and I am sick of it! He insists that this is the only way to true receovery, well I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PROGRAM WHERE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN THERE ARE JUDGMENTAL WHITE PEOPLE WHO LOOK DOWN ON ME FOR MY SEXUALITY!!!!!! **** ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS!!
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Old 09-04-2017, 08:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am sorry you have not found a meeting that suits you. Have you sought out any LGBT meetings?
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Old 09-05-2017, 12:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm gay and haven't encountered this kind of judgement in AA. I'm also an agnostic, and have issues with the whole "God" thing. I also don't like that many AA meetings insist that you have issues with alcohol and don't deal with other substance addictions. But none of these things are really at the core of what AA teaches, although some members act as if they are. I pretty much don't pay much attention to those things that make no sense to me, and the good far outweighs the bad for me.

I'm also very fortunate to live in a place with a pretty large number of LGBT meetings. In fact it's a tick box when you do meeting searches. Have you checked to see if there are any in your area?

It also seems to me that you might not be OK with your own sexuality. If you were, probably a lot of this would roll off of you like water from a duck's back. Or maybe not. If I found a meeting with as little understanding and compassion for others with different sexualities, I'd find another meeting.

I really don't care if AA stalwarts don't feel like like it's not OK to have a female sponsor. If that works for you, and you find a woman that you think you can work well with and she's OK with sponsoring a guy, then go for it.

There are also secular recovery programs other than AA. There's a whole section here devoted to it, and there are many reasons not to choose AA if it's not working for you. It's not the "only way." I think it's more important that you have a fellowship of recovering addicts/alcoholics to support your sobriety than that it be AA or 12 step based. Why do you care that your dad thinks this is the only way? It's what YOU think that counts.
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Old 09-05-2017, 04:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Gosh- I hate that this has been your experience. I live in Atlanta and at the big clubouse everyone is welcome - we have a couple of well-known gay/trans folks, in fact.

In my humble opinion, AA is inclusive- meant to be, for sure- and sometimes people's [shortcomings and such] get in the way if we let them.

I hope you will look for other meetings or other programs and not let anger and resentment towards this experience and these people interfere with the single most important thing: your sobriety.

Take care.
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Old 09-06-2017, 12:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Please try to find other AA meetings if this one bothers you so much.

My home group has a few gay people and no one says anything.

If someone's being judgemental, that's on them. Shame on them, because that's not being all loving and all tolerant. Someone's sexual identity is no one's business.

The only opinion that matters is God's. Try to just let it wash off like water on a duck. Stand tall, you're a loved child of God.
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Old 10-21-2017, 07:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I was drunk and mad when I posted this, sorry for spewing this nonsense.
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Old 10-21-2017, 08:17 PM   #7 (permalink)
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khendal, how are you doing now?

You okay?
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Old 10-21-2017, 08:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Old 10-21-2017, 11:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
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This was way dramatic, but I just can't see a life for myself in AA. I have been determined I am not alcoholic the past couple months, but I need to make a change and i don't know what to do. I have tried with aa for so long, and have nothing to show for it. I don't fit in with all the straight guys, and AA is so gender segregated. I'm just so upset, I have never had any male friends, and now it's like some taboo for me to associate with women. I never even really thought about it until I was in the program. I just don't fit in at all, I have been doing this for two years. After two years, I have never had a single person text me and ask me to lunch. I always hear stories about people getting their friend group within a month, 2 YEARS I have been making the effort and I can't call a single person my friend. Gay men in AA is a total rarity. I just got a new job and had several people ask me if I was dating, I hadn't even thought about dating for months. If I am truly trying to work the AA program then I don't think doing internet hookups or going to the gay bar is good for my sobriety. Our culture is so centered around partying to where I feel like I would always be missing out. I don't think I will ever meet a partner in AA. I just started a new job, and have had people being so nice to me. I forgot what that feels like. Within a week of starting I am getting invitations to go to the club, karaoke, out har hopping, and I have to tell them no. I can't meet people without getting ready to make the big reveal that I am in AA. (Side note, I can't try any other recovery program, my dad goes to aa and makes me go with him). I know I need to clean my life up, but as soon as things got bad I was forced into AA. I watch so many people develop serious substance problems but then just move the **** on. My old coworker at subway was a methhead but she still drinks and has fun, and is not "dry". At my last job I worked with a girl who was drinking like crazy and depressed, but picked herself up and moved on. She got in a relationship and started to be happy again, she didn't have to go through this lifelong program. Drinking got me into some serious trouble, but I was not drunk every single day. I had about 2 years of bad problems due to drinking, and now I have to spend the rest of my life, at 22, talking about how bad things were and obsessing over alcohol. As soon as my dad started forcing me in to the program, any time I would take a drink it would turn in to a 3 day thing. Well yeah, because if I'm going to have to restart this program and totally lose all my self esteem, I may as well do it up! I crashed three vehicles so it's not like I didn't have a problem, but dealing with my DUI definitely ensured I will never ever drink and drive again. I have bad anxiety but can't take medication without feeling guilty, and am taught by the program that psychology is totally worthless. Any problems I have are all my own fault, they have an answer for everything. I was talking to my dad about how boring AA is in Colorado, and he started telling me if I felt that way I should join a comittee and start events. You can't complain about things, and you have to be this patsy that is never mean to people. I'm sorry but I enjoy gossip sometimes but that is this crazy sin. I need to start taking responsibility, but I am already an over-thinker and AA just encourages me to over-analyze everything I do. AA people believe that no one really cares if your sober, it doesn't bother them, that is just not true at all. Maybe they think that because no one says it to them, but people are so judgmental of being in AA. I watched a guy from my homegroup tell me and my friend tina that he was sober 9 years so proudly, and tina told me later how uncomfortable that made her. My old boss taylor told me that she would not invite her boyfriends parents to the wedding reception because they would spoil the fun being sober. AA thinks we are born with this disease or that it is genetic, and that the only reason we drink is because we are alcoholics. That left without the program, we will lose our minds and get drunk. And if you don't end up getting drunk, you're a "dry drunk" and may as well drink since you're so miserable. They ignore statistics such as certain marginalized people being more prone to alcoholism. There is no diversity in alcoholics anonymous, and no one cares. I feel like if I truly make my sobriety the only important thing in my life, I am going to miss out on a lot of stuff. How many nights that I spent going to AA meetings, hoping that maybe someone would talk to me after the meeting, only to try and awkwardly make conversation with some straight dude I have nothing in common with. Then feeling like a creep if i ask a girl for her number even though I am gay. In the normal world that is 100% fine and not creepy, but heaven forbid you break the traditions of alcoholics anonymous. If I am upset it is my fault. Always my fault. I just need to forget about everything that happened to me and live in today, and pray god will keep me sober. Just shove all those feelings down. This may not be true for every member in AA, but it is for the majority. And I'm sorry to generalize, but after two years I am frustrated. If I was a normal straight guy without social anxiety, going to AA meetings would be fun, kind of like a mixer where you might meet someone special, and make some cool friends and find god. But to me it is this place where I feel like an outcast and an exception to everything. Most people believe in a god from a religion that says I will burn in hell for being gay. They are "not religious" but my old sponsor with new age beliefs was marginalized for not conforming. If you don't do what they say, believe what they say, use the right words, and stay sober no one wants anything to do with you. Why even bother making friends with these people, if I ever choose to take a different path in sobriety, they won't want anything to do with me. Diversity is just bad news in AA. I am supposed to just be a fellow among fellows apparently. I get so depressed when I think about life in AA and start having anxiety attacks. It's like I have a ball and chain where I can't be spontaneous, can't do what I want when I want. I have to make these meetings every day, can't go to bars, have to tell everyone I meet why I don't drink, have to find a sober husband or just watch while he drinks. I can't just live, there are all these restrictions with AA. I want to be free, not locked down by all these rules.
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Old 10-22-2017, 01:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Have you tried to find gay/lesbian meetings in your area?

Have you investigated secular recovery groups, both online and in your area.

Have you tried setting boundaries with your father? You’re an adult and it’s your recovery, not his.

Are you out to your father so you can have an open and honest discussion with him about the issues you are facing as a gay man in recovery and AA?

Have you sought out therapy to deal with any issues you may have around being gay, relationships with addiction, men in general and your father in particular?

Have you used websites like Meetup to find gay social groups? Or the online dating sites?

I totally get it that everyone needs to vent, and this alone can be an important and necessary part of of personal growth. Being gay is confusing in your early 20s, and can make you feel lonely and alienated. Trust me, I’ve been there.

We have a unique set of challenges as gay men in recovery, and often have a lot of baggage from growing up gay. We all need to learn how to love ourselves as gay men, to OWN being gay men, and to incorporate this process into our recovery.

If you have the courage to start facing your demons, you may start to move beyond venting and into action and change. It’s scary but worth it.

Good luck on your journey.
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Old 10-22-2017, 02:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I don't think I will ever meet a partner in AA.
AA isnt a dating service.

I can't meet people without getting ready to make the big reveal that I am in AA.
why do ya have to reveal that?

AA thinks we are born with this disease or that it is genetic,
where does AA say that?

They ignore statistics such as certain marginalized people being more prone to alcoholism.
idk who "they" is, but does it really matter who is and isnt prone to alcoholism?
wouldnt one of them statistics indicate that there are those that alcoholism is genetic for?

how many different meetings have you attended? maybe you could start a meeting?
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Old 10-28-2017, 08:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I go with what my father tells me sometimes, and he says something to the extent of "you may only hear one thing that day to make it through another 24-hours".

One of my good friends says "take what you need and leave the rest (if it don't apply let it fly) ... don't even worry about putting it on the shelf", because he could tell I was the type of person to be mad at something I'm not receptive to or willing to follow. There's things in the Big Book (which is guarantee to work), and then there's opinions in the meetings. In general sometimes there's just to much information, so i like that the literature says we don't have to swallow it all immediately, we just have to stay honest, open, and willing.

The good things you have are a friendly, stable work place and a father who wants you healthy. That's a lot to be grateful. And it doesn't hurt to act as if in the program until you can make up your mind whether you want to be there; especially if you father suggests it.

The most important is that we do not harm ourselves or others as much as we can; mainly by not using, but also through our actions and words. Whatever gets you to that place is what works for you.
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Old 11-26-2017, 11:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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It was difficult to read your huge walls of text but find a different AA/NA meeting.
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