Borderline Comatose - 38 Days Sober
I am 38 days in. Feeling grateful for what most might feel harmonious sobriety. Where I am grateful I also feel numb, less than interested in most things and a bit stalled out. That was probably all quite redundant.
I will not be resorting to AA because I do not believe in these methods. I am not interested in recounting the missteps and darker corners of my life on a regular basis. Nor do I want anyone else to stand before me doing this. I do not find this helpful in moving on with a new existence and way of life. I will also refrain from labeling myself an alcoholic. I am not crippled by alcohol. I made choices with alcohol that were not the best. I now choose not to drink. I will for the record state my truth briefly here.
I was a problem drinker. I grew up in the entertainment industry and am gay. I was shamed by my family most of my life and saw very little support from friends, teachers, classmates. Because of a pattern of abuse that began early in my childhood, I was the typical student to act out, the friend that cut his friendships to shreds, and the all around jerk with a chip on his shoulder. I was also a fighter and pushed to accomplish as many of the things they said I couldn't and then some.
Alcohol became my friend. Having lived in Hollywood and traveled the World I thought I was the perfect party boy and always sought to live up to my reputation. The talented, troubled one that everyone let's get away with the binge drinking because he's just so damn good at it. He makes it look sexy, glamorous, fun. Except the times when he didn't. The blackouts, crying with snot running out of my nose, hitting on guys that almost punched me in the face, getting into arguments and spewing hate at people I love.
It's been off and on. It's led to some of the worst moments in my life and the disbandment of my happiest relationships. Yes, I have seen it ruin family members' and friends' lives. The death certificate for my grandmother reads 'alcohol dementia' as the cause of death.
So as far as today...I am raw. I always feel like I am about to burst and so I have a systemic nature of denial now. I don't want to feel weak because I am finally sat in front of all the things I ran from with a bottle in my hand. I work in a high energy environment as a leader and I cannot afford to be emotional. Thus - - comatose.
As a gay man working/living in one of the most scene/drink centric cities in the US I feel alienated from opportunities to meet a nice guy. But, I also know that I don't want to deal with someone who drinks or does drugs socially. And that I probably don't want to deal with a romantic relationship right now period.
I am hoping to begin the process of devoting myself to body practices, reinventing myself, etc. ASAP. But, something I am hearing loud and clear is that I don't get to move on with the baggage that I shielded with alcohol. I have to dry out, cry out -- then stand up and move on.
I don't know if any of what I just wrote will be helpful for anyone else. Or if it even made any sense. I do know that I have read many of these posts over the course of returning to sobriety. It feels nice to be here. Even if I am mostly numb and searching at the moment.
Steadfast to all of you on the wagon!