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Old 01-30-2014, 12:43 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I might be a lesbian

But how do I know for sure? Sex is one thing, I have no idea of I could live with a woman, but I like the idea.
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Old 01-30-2014, 10:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I just always knew I was a lesbian, I tried to be what the so called normal ( heterosexual) person... If you are you will know.
If I focus on the solutions, the problems won't seem impossible!
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Old 01-31-2014, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks for your reply. Can I ask how early you knew? I've been in love with both men and women, guess that makes me a .. unicorn. I know several lesbians who came out late, so I just don't know.
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Old 01-31-2014, 06:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by KatieA View Post
But how do I know for sure? Sex is one thing, I have no idea of I could live with a woman, but I like the idea.
You ask a good question. The only way I can even come close to an answer is to share my own experience.

I came out later in life. I was in my late 20's before I came out to myself and in my late 30's before I came out to close friends. It took me until my early 40's to be comfortable enough to be fully out. I say that because I think that the knowing for sure sometimes is a process of acceptance of oneself.

I knew I was a bit different from my friends since I was a small child. My kindergarten teacher sent a note home on my report card to my parents stating that if they did not do something I would become "one of those people." I have no doubt she was referring to gay people because I was a bit of a tomboy. That is not to say all lesbian women were tomboys as children or that that is some sort of sign but I think the teacher took it as such.

Then as I developed into a teenager and all my friends were developing crushes on the boys I was instead developing what I thought was hero worship of women at least that is what my parents called it as I am sure they did not want to accept it for what it was which was my first crushes. I did date in high school because that is what my friends were doing and that is what was expected of me. I did not know any gay people and gay was only discussed in the most negative of terms in the church that my parents made us attend every time the doors were open.

The church experience made me fully understand without a doubt that being gay was something horrible and at all costs I could not be that way so I spent many years trying to not be gay. I even married and divorced twice and had three children between the two marriages. It was after my first divorce, when I was in my mid 20's that I first started to question my sexuality. I started to think that maybe it wasn't normal that to get through sex with my husband I had always had to fantasize that I was with a woman not with him. That helped me to get brave enough to accept a blind date arranged by someone I worked with knowing that the blind date was with a woman. After that date I knew that I was gay. I was able to come out to myself.

The relationship lasted a few years and when it ended I came out to my sister who then proceeded to try and convince me I was not really gay just confused that all I really needed to do was look at the person not the sex of the person so I wound up while drinking having a one night stand where I got pregnant and then proceeded to marry the man because of the pregnancy. The marriage lasted 2 years before I left him. There was no doubt in my mind that I was gay before I have even been married to him for a month but I tried to make it work despite that thinking I could shut of that part of me.

I realize today that one can not shut off being gay any more than one can shut off being heterosexual. Being gay is no different than my eye color being blue. I can put contact lenses on to make the color appear different but I can never change the true nature of that eye color, the same thing goes for my sexuality.

It took my being sober before I could get to the point where I could dump the conditioning of my childhood and accept fully who I am so that I can be more fully out. Unfortunately my partner is not out at work so I do have to play a balancing game with how out I really am.

I guess there is no real test to know if one is gay or not. One question is do you feel romantically attracted (not just sexually) to men or women? Keep in mind you might fall somewhere in between the scale of heterosexual and homosexual which would make you bisexual so you could be romantically attracted to both men and women. Most bisexuals, from what I understand, do find they are attracted a little more to one sex or the other though so they lean one way or the other on the sexual spectrum. My partner is bisexual but leans more towards being a lesbian. Being bisexual does not mean there is something wrong with a person or that they can not be in a long term relationship. My partner and I have been together nearly 13 years now.

Being gay is not just about sex anymore than being heterosexual is. Our relationships are based on a mutual love, trust and respect. We do the same things heterosexual couples do, we go to work, we sometimes have disagreements, we clean house, we do yard work, we raise kids, we do mundane tasks like laundry, we shop, etc... Our relationships are not centered around sex anymore than any other relationship is. Sex is just one of the many romantic, loving and beautiful parts of the relationship just like it would be to a heterosexual couple.

I hope that I have been able to help you find some answers in yourself. Ultimately though only you know what the answer to your question is for you. Take care and I do hope you find the happiness you deserve in life. Sorry for the length of my response. I was trying to give you the best answer I could
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Old 02-01-2014, 01:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Without forcing the pace and by listening to my heart i find myself with a nice man ( i am a man ) .
By asking yourself this question, are you a lesbian or not , are you just setting up a divide to be on one side or another of ? Seems to me this is all hypothetical unless one has someone who is wanting to do something with us ..

There are several stages to getting to know and being with someone before we live with them …
One day at a time eh ? see where you are and what arises in your life …

Bestwishes, m
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Old 03-17-2014, 10:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Katie,

'Dunno if your question is still relevant (you may be out, loud and proud by now for all I know, heh heh).

My experience was that I always felt different, I watched other girls in school and pretended to like boys. I didn't feel anything one way or the other, "romantically" or sexually. I came from such a messed up family that I think sexuality took a far back seat to other issues for a long time.

Growing up, I always pictured myself living alone in the mountains with horses and dogs. I didn't have a point of reference for being with a woman. It just never occurred to me.

Then, one day, in group therapy no less, a gal was on the 'hot seat' doing work and began to talk about being gay. All of a sudden it was like dominoes falling over and inside I went, "OOoooohhhhhhhhhhh". A real epiphany. I waffled back and forth for a while, unsure, unclear. But, age and time let the idea settle and become comfy and...just be.

I agree with Mecanix: don't force it. This is more a self-exploration first, and THEN about relationship. Enjoy the journey - don't stress and don't push the river. Your truth will come to you in its own time.
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Old 03-18-2014, 08:08 PM   #7 (permalink)

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Interesting, I say this because when I was in detox the staff brought up the fact that I might be bisexual and attracted to women, which is weird to me. Well not weird. Honestly I think guys are jerks and I've only ever had sex with them due to rape or under the influence of a substance or to get a substance. I don't look at guys for attractiveness really in my active addiction I look for the guys that can give me the most drugs. I have never been with a women, but I would much rather be with a women then a men really, I hate sex with a passion and guys are rough. I don't know where I'm going with this, just rather confused. I was a tomboy as a child and I was different as a child got teased a lot and was labelled as different as early as 6 as I got beat up in school. Idk
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Old 04-04-2014, 11:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I really appreciate reading others' experiences. I don't know if the OP is still here or reading but I imagine this thread is probably helping lots of other folks.

I knew from very early that I was "different" I always think about age 4 or 5 I was aware. I didn't have the words lesbian or gay but in my inner world only women and girls existed. Because of the severe abuse I endured I feared that if I told anyone about this I would be killed. So I stuffed this knowledge of myself very deeply and did not consciously become aware again of the possibility until my late twenties and didn't come out until my mid-thirties.

I couldn't completely quell my truth though, just my conscious acknowledgment and acceptance of it. I had so many crushes on teachers and friends and other students at my all girl high school--it shows how deeply afraid I was that I didn't clue in with all those crushes.

For me being a lesbian is not really at about sex or romance. I have never been much of a partner/relationship oriented person. It is much more about being woman-centered and focused. I have always been a feminist, always worried about social issues that women and children face, and so on. I am so woman-identified that to me that is that core of being lesbian.

I also wanted to comment on failure 101's post. I too survived a horrific childhood and I think that can really cloud our sexuality no matter what it is or turns out to be. This culture places a lot of emphasis on sex and some of us are not very sexual, maybe from the abuse maybe it's just our nature. I think that as you work on healing from the traumas you have survived you will get clearer about your truths. I know a lot of my drug usage has been to deal with my traumas, PTSD, depression, etc. I hope you will find the peace and healing you deserve.
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Old 04-07-2014, 10:35 AM   #9 (permalink)

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I came out when I was 16- it was simple for me to work out. I'm 27 now. But if you need somebody to talk to, or bounce ideas off, PM me.
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:20 PM   #10 (permalink)

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I used to stress a lot about whether I was straight or gay or bisexual. Throughout my twenties I usually identified with the orientation of my current partner. When I was with gay men I identified as gay. With women I said I was straight. With a few more years under my belt, it became clear that it was just a label, and such questions no longer bother me. Follow your heart (or your loins) and don't beat yourself up too much.
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Old 07-22-2015, 07:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Well said Gargery !
I have loved Men and I have loved Women of many different cultures so I was confused for a long time about it, because I thought I had to "choose" ... now I dont want to label myself or choose - I just love a person in whatever package they came in.
Dee :-)
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