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Old 03-12-2013, 04:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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let's talk about monogamy!

lets share challenges, succcesses and tales of how we build relationships without being able to be married or publicly acknowledge LOVE?
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Old 03-13-2013, 05:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Great idea! I'm not currently in a partnership but I still feel strongly about the whole issue. For me marriage equality isn't even so much about marriage as it is about equality. About people/culture finally seeing and accepting us as much a part of "normal" society as heterosexual people/couples. It's about rehumanizing us!

When people say they fear marriage equality or that it threatens "traditional" marriage I just think about some of my friends and almost have to laugh. One couple is going on 35years, the other 20. I look at so many healthy relationships I see in my community and all I can think is that same-sex marriage will only strengthen marriage not threaten it.

I'd like to see more acceptance and equality for non-married partnerships, too. I think there's just too much wonderful diversity out there to say only one expression is right and all others are wrong.

That's my .02!
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Old 03-13-2013, 07:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I am in a 10 year partnership and would LOVE the opportunity to get married... it has nothing to do with monogamy or making sure my partner doesn't cheat though. I think that anytime a "law" talks about tradition then it becomes exclusionary from the start. I agree with Lyoness that marriage equality would only strengthen the "institution" of marriage and go a long way in making everyone exist on level footing.

Now, I just need to address the fact that my partner wants me to change my last name to hers.... BUT, that is another story for another time! :o)
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Old 03-13-2013, 08:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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GLBT marriage and civil unions are legal where I live, but not very popular... what if you want to divorce the boy? Oo

I'm never going to marry. I was raised as a catholic, and had a hell (ha) of a time when I decided to escape its clutches, and never quite managed to do so (see below).

As a recovering christian, "marriage" is too loaded a term for me, I can't help but imagine a big fat wedding, complete with rice being strewn about and choir boys wailing and crooning.

Now, monogamy, that's different, it seem to be wired into my being, and an eventual civil union... could be interesting. I'm all for it. Back in my "hazy days", as my friend would call them, I had lots of sex with lots of people. Then I was celibate for 3 years because I couldn't stomach it all any longer - this might hark back to my catholic days, back when I was taught that "homos rot in hell", then fell in love for the first time, panicked, and eventually decided that I'd gladly rot in hell in exchange for being with Alex, my one true love.

I tested myself quite recently actually. To end 3 years of celibacy, I began dating 3 different guys simultaneously (they all knew I was seeing other people). And, once again, I couldn't do it. It was icky.

I'm single again and really want one person only. THE One, actually, I've waded through years of chaos and destruction, so it has to mean something and I refuse to compromise. In the meantime I may roam around but, in broad terms, I'm not interested in casual relationships.

Truth=trust=monogamy=Love. Try as I might, I can't help myself. Thanks very much, St Peter and holy roman catholic church! ;-) LOL!

As for displaying affection, as long as I sense relative safety, I kiss my guy in public and, if I spot any sour faces, I bare my fangs. Seems to work.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:04 PM   #5 (permalink)

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There wasn't anything like civil unions let alone marriage in 1980 when I got "hooked up" with my partner. I just always knew I wanted to be married to another guy, so when we got together I proposed and we just lived that way.

I've always felt inside that we were married like any other couple even if others didn't see us that way or take us seriously. We've always shared everything like finances, home, and had wills and medical papers drawn up early on.

If society really cared about us, it would accept and encourage relationships, because I believe it's healthy to care and share my life with another person.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Eddie2010 View Post
If society really cared about us, it would accept and encourage relationships, because I believe it's healthy to care and share my life with another person.
Amen brother!
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Old 03-15-2013, 10:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I have enjoyed reading everyone's responses to the OP's post.

Even before I came out I have always had an inner drive for monogamy. It never felt comfortable for me to date more than one person at a time which has left me not having dated a lot of people in my life.

I did not come out until my late 20's and then had a period where I went back in the closet for a bit before coming out fully in my mid 30's and have been out every since. An example of how I seem drawn to monogamy is my first relationship was with my first husband and we dated my junior and senior year of high school then married and we stayed married for 6 years. I then dated another man for nearly 5 years before leaving him for the first woman I had ever dated. I was in that relationship on and off for about 7 years. During the off period I was convinced to give men another shot. I got drunk slept with a man I had dated a couple of times, which was unlike me, and got pregnant so I felt I had to marry him. That lasted 2 1/2 years. The shortest relationship I have had lasted 6 months. I had met a woman online and developed a relationship. We met and I decided to move cross country to be with her. Come to find out once I got there she had only wanted me to come there to make her ex jealous in the hope that she would come back to her. But it was through that relationship that I found AA and sobriety plus met my current partner, we have been together nearly 12 years now. I can not see myself with anyone else. It feels like all the previous relationships were just practice for this one. Kind of like learning experiences to help keep this one running more smoothly.

A couple people have talked about how marriage equality would strengthen the institution of marriage. I have a thought that expands on that, I think it would help reduce the divorce rates. I married twice while in the closet because that is what I felt was expected when one dates a person for an extended period of time or winds up pregnant. That had been ingrained in me since early childhood because of a strict religious upbringing. Needless to say though I left both marriages essentially because I am gay although there were other circumstances around my leaving. So there are two divorces I added to the divorce rate where if the GLBT community were shown more acceptance by allowing marriage equality then I more than likely would have come out much earlier and not have married men at all and in turn not added two divorces to the divorce rate.

If the Supreme Court rules in favor of the President's brief then that would mean Oregon would be one of the 8 States that would have marriage equality. In short, his brief says that States that provide everything but the title marriage are discriminating by using separate but equal which is never equal so the 8 States that have Domestic Partnerships or Civil Unions which allow all the rights and benefits at the State level that marriage does but do not give the title marriage would now have to convert those to marriage rather than having two classes. If that happens then maybe one day I would like to marry my partner as I can see her being the last person I marry. But I hesitate since as long as DOMA stands we really won't have marriage equality anyway at the federal level. Not having it at the federal level can create a bunch of tax problems which I would rather not have to deal with.

Ironically, although I strongly support the marriage equality movement I have found that being denied the right to marry the person whom I would actually be marrying for the right reasons for so long has tainted my views on the institution to the point of marriage not meaning as much to me anymore. We both are monogamous and committed without the piece of paper that says we are married so I almost feel we would have nothing emotionally to gain from marriage. I do understand that if DOMA falls then we would have a lot of important protections under the law to gain for our relationship, especially as we are getting older, such as social security survivors benefits, tax benefits, hospital visitation, etc... I guess for me marriage is going to be a wait and see.

Thanks for the interesting topic. Sorry for being so long winded
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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My first wife and I were together 20 years. We married when she was 55, and when she reached age 62 she wanted to collect social security from her late husband. They had been together thirty years before his death, and had raised three children.

But the Social Security Administration would not allow her to collect benefits off her first husband because she had remarried, and she had not worked enough to accumulate benefits of her own. So we got a divorce! Then she learned that once she started collecting benefits, it didn't make any difference if she was remarried. So we got married again!

She was many years older than I was, but we did not suffer any discrimination--only the occasional, "Oh, is that your mother?"
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Old 03-16-2013, 09:35 PM   #9 (permalink)

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Sometimes I wonder why I pay taxes.

My father's third wife collects her SS, her retirement, her first husband's retirement and his SS, my father's retirement and his SS because she remarried after 62 to a guy collecting his retirement and his SS. My sister is in prison costing god knows how much and at least two cousins are on disability yet I know one re-roofed his parents home.

And they have the nerve to tell me I don't deserve equal benefits because of my "chosen" lifestyle.

I won't even say what I'm thinking, because I believe in karma, but I won't be flying back for any funerals that's for sure.
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