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AB, codey mom - SSDD We lived far from the drain that is my AB for over 25 years. Now we are back “home” to help my aging mom, but she is obsessed with her AS/my AB. He was gone - in jail and on the streets of another state - for about nine months. She paid for him to get back here (of course), on the condition that he could not live with her again. But he lied, then manipulated….then got sick and one “plan” after another fell through, and he’s sober for five seconds and she’s back to making excuses for him day after day. She keeps me posted, which makes me crazy. I refuse to come over while he’s “not living there” (seriously???!!!…she’s obviously just setting the stage to justify him officially living there again soon. Dude, he’s living there now), which I’ve clearly stated and she just says “I understand”. I can’t expose my kids to him right now…clean or not…it’s more about him being addicted to manipulation than anything. But he can’t seem to stop. He’s always trying to rope me in to stuff too…just misdirection and manipulation…mom has a cough and needs this and that, or, I want to start a recovery non-profit and can you help me ….trying to shift the focus. I mean, seriously not clean himself long enough to even make a dent yet. I am FURIOUS with both of them. We had an abusive childhood (mom’s codey ways were focused on her men back then), including my AB experiencing the worst of it…and he has HF ASD, but he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and I cannot stand it. I know what to do and I am doing it, but I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening ♥️. |
Hello, Well, hopefully you will be able to come to a place of no rage. Just because you have changed and grown in the last 25 years does not mean everyone else in your life will also have done so. One of the ways we progress in our own recovery from toxic family relationships and history is to move toward releasing people from any expectation of who they should be now and how they should be living. We release them. If we have done the work of recovery and growth, we will sometimes be able to do it with love. It takes work on our part. To accept people exactly where they are in their development. Your boundaries are in place. This is the beginning of a new dynamic with your mother and brother. Those boundaries are for you alone. I understand how hard things are, how maddening, to see sick people continue being sick. But there they are. And you have come back to them. I recommend Al-Anon meetings just to help you get some stillness in your mind. And to find a structured setting to continue to grow and learn about yourself. And to work on the concept of powerlessness. Their relationship, such as it is, belongs completely to them, and at this time, they can be no other way, individually and together. If you can release your rage toward your brother, maybe you will find a way to be practically useful to your mother, but emotionally detached.I think you'll need a lot of support from people in recovery. |
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