Second post in one week

Old 01-29-2023, 08:01 AM
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Second post in one week

I went to visit my partner or now ex partner in the hospital yesterday. He’s in there from the relapse and drugs causing an infection and had surgery. A couple days before he phoned asking for a number and then I said I was upset with our last exchange and it felt like he was breaking up with me. He said he didn’t do that at all and he never said that. So I left it. I saw him yesterday after a couple days of no calls, it was fine at first. He was going to be in there another two weeks then go to rehab. I stayed calm, as I didn’t want to discuss the relationship, but then he started telling me how he was going to move away for work, and that he only is going to do what keeps him healthy and that doesn’t include me. He said our relationship left him in relapse. He said that it wasn’t appropriate for me to be there, he doesn’t want anything to do with me, I don’t make him happy, I need to make friends and supper because he can’t give me anything, then he threatens to get security and the nurses to kick me out of the hospital. What a slap in my face. I left in tears. Because of the mental illness that cause him to black or white think, the borderline personality disorder, combined with what he said was 4 overdoses on his relapse and all of this I don’t know what to think.

i already asked him a couple weeks ago if we should not be together while he’s in a month rehab because of the one year rule, he said no and it doesn’t apply to current relationships. He said he wouldn’t abandon me, he wouldn’t just leave. He said all the right things and every day the first time he was in detox calling me with all these realizations (he relapsed iv fentanyl and meth for a week from a day of drinking and was on the streets, was found I took him to detox for a week, then he relapsed again for another week and I brought him to detox again but then to the hospital). So here I am, being committed to him through all of this, I helped in so many ways to find him and help him with his bank stuff from wallets being stolen, I showed support, care and love, just for him to tell me to consider myself single and as of that moment I am nothing to him.

Is this normal? He is on suboxone but I don’t know how that is affecting his thinking. He’s broken up with me and blocked me more times than I can count, and has always said sorry after and he couldn’t control this reality that comes over him. The circumstances are different because he relapsed after years of sobriety (he had one slip for one day in august but 7 years clean before that).

i am so lost. It’s like everything and the commitment made me feel more secure through this, now he doesn’t even want to say that he wants to be with me when he’s better. That hurts. He is blaming the relapse and unhappiness on me and he talked to me so poorly. Why do I want to be with someone like this? Why can’t I let him go when he is literally Telling me he does not care about me and it’s implied that him not wanting to commit to me suddenly is just not wanting to commit to ME. I am so drained. Broken.
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Old 01-29-2023, 09:25 AM
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Hello Tombplant,

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Losing a relationship is a kind of grief, and it will take time to heal. You are so fresh from this break up. Of course it is all you can think about. You are not responsible for his relapse. That came down to his own choice.

This site is littered with the stories of relationships falling apart. It sounds as though your ex has a lot to work through. I know you are probably hoping that I will say that his behavior is very common and to just give it time. He'll come back to you--but I can't. His behavior is common, but it can be the start of a merry-go-round of breaking up and reconciling that will be even more painful than what you are experiencing right now.

Please give yourself time to grieve and heal. Treat yourself with kindness (don't let that tape in your head continue to call you names). It gets better with time. I promise!

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Old 01-29-2023, 12:25 PM
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I would echo what Seren said, give yourself time to heal.
Would you really want this cycle for your relationship?
Let him walk his path, and you yours. I know your heart is hurting, but that will lessen in time. As Seren mention, it is like a grieving. Have your read about ambiguous grief? It's interesting and explains some of what you feel.
Take care of you.
Much Love
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Old 01-29-2023, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hello Tombplant,

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Losing a relationship is a kind of grief, and it will take time to heal. You are so fresh from this break up. Of course it is all you can think about. You are not responsible for his relapse. That came down to his own choice.

This site is littered with the stories of relationships falling apart. It sounds as though your ex has a lot to work through. I know you are probably hoping that I will say that his behavior is very common and to just give it time. He'll come back to you--but I can't. His behavior is common, but it can be the start of a merry-go-round of breaking up and reconciling that will be even more painful than what you are experiencing right now.

Please give yourself time to grieve and heal. Treat yourself with kindness (don't let that tape in your head continue to call you names). It gets better with time. I promise!
thank you. It doesn’t feel the same as other times when he has broken up with me. I feel so messed up because it’s like when he came back before; it made me feel like he actually loved me. How can he just suddenly change his mind about me this time when two weeks ago it was so different? I don’t understand and I feel so ashamed I did so much and just to be hurt
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Old 01-29-2023, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Bute View Post
I would echo what Seren said, give yourself time to heal.
Would you really want this cycle for your relationship?
Let him walk his path, and you yours. I know your heart is hurting, but that will lessen in time. As Seren mention, it is like a grieving. Have your read about ambiguous grief? It's interesting and explains some of what you feel.
Take care of you.
Much Love
Bute x
thank you. No I have not read that and I will certainly look it up. It doesn’t seem like I will be able to walk a path ok now. I thought he was in this at the end of the day. It seems like he will walk his and I won’t be able to because I feel so mislead now.
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Old 02-02-2023, 06:02 PM
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I am so sorry Tombplant, stuff like this is so very painful. It will ease with time, and with you forging your own way forward without this bloke whom I don't happen to like. Sorry, but...

I think the final paragraph in your post sums it all Tomb, "why can't I let him go when...."

You can't let him go because he fulfills some need in you. Some co-dependent need if I may be so bold. I've been there too, so don't be angry with me for saying.

We have to forge our own independent paths Tomb, even when in a relationship. I'd be focussing on myself at the moment. Not him.

He's asked you to leave, and that's what you must do. Do it with grace; and eventually with all the good work you put into yourself you'll find yourself streets ahead of this cruel little man.

You mightn't know it right now, but you really don't need him. You need you.

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Old 02-02-2023, 08:57 PM
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I think I became overly angry with your bf Tomb. I'm sorry that he's battling addiction because I know how difficult it can be. Still, he is not treating you right and believe better for you to step back and oblige what he's asked of you and let him sort his own stuff. And for you to concentrate on you.

Sorry
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