my ex died on saturday
 

we had a rocky one but i still loved him so. he died around 2-3am in his dorm room. i texted him at 5am and his phone had died; i thought he had blocked me. he was already dead.

its been FOUR days and it feels like forever. ive already been blamed by his ex, that she would have stopped him from using entirely in my shoes. i tried my best to help him over imessage. in the days before his death he talked about how happy he is to be sober and alive. he had told his mother and deleted his plugs' numbers. he was 18, would have turned 19 ******* yesterday, he had such a ******* strong will to live. i dont know what drove him to use that night. none of his grieving friends and family will ever know.

ive experienced every emotion under the sun, sadness thinking of our tender moments and anger at how he talked about me with others after we split up mid december. he had told me we would get back together under the right circumstances. i was waiting for him. i have so many unanswered questions, and i hate that my gut reaction to this is selfishness and wondering whether he loved me or not. the worst part of this all is that i od'd on that same dorm room bed in november and he had saved my life. unfortunately that wasnt a wake up call for either of us. i had placed my hand right into the alligator's mouth and did not realize how close to literal death i had come to. i wonder if it should have been me instead. some people have told me that he died in order for me to change my own path of addiction and survive.

ive already talked to a girl who is 5+ years sober who lost her boyfriend right next to her while they were using, he was dead when she woke up. fascinating and inspiring story. id like to hear yours too please. i cant seem to find any stories on the internet.

I am so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry tummyaches.

I was/am an alcoholic but I wonder why I survived addiction and other friends I knew did not.
I still don't have an answer.

I can't really subscribe to 'they died so I might live' thing, but I certainly took lessons from close friends passing.
I'm making the most of this second chance.

This is a place of great support tho - I'm glad you've found us :)

D

Hi tummyaches
I am sorry for your loss. My best friend/fiance died last March unexpectedly in a car accident. I went off the rails for 12 days after. Then I got a sponsor as well as went to plenty of meetings regularly. I have been sober for almost 10 months now.

I understand what you mean. In my case, His death was a wake up call for me. It put me in a corner with no one else to blame, death does that. I finally came to a final conclusion that alcohol/drugs' primary purpose is to destroy and take away everything and anything I love, and to replace those lovely things with intolerable and morbid feelings of shame, disgust, fear and anger. NO Deal!
For me, there is/was no bottom, if i continued to use, the poisons would eat away until I was DEAD ....without ceasing...
I hate what happened to my best friend, and I'll never stop missing him. I also know that his death triggered the most indescribable, substantial change within me. One way to explain it - is like an inner eye opening on an external wound, I feels the sorrow that comes with attachment but it echoes of the song that David played Hallelujah, with some sweet, tender chords, but with frequent bouts of hardship followed by intense relief. Surrender.