Thanksgiving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 28
Thanksgiving
It's going to make 1 month since he left to his mother's. At first he would send me messages often through her Facebook (phones are off I'm just trying to catch up to rent before I do phones) The boys are so sick, our daughter has mental delay all she does is sleep walk at night a sign she's stressed... during the day she cries promising she will be the be daughter if he just comes back.
On Thanksgiving I found myself going to the bathroom several times, I haven't had panic attacks for a few months. They are horrible. Looking around at the dining tabke to my whole family I couldn't stay positive. I would look at my sister and hee husband such amazing parents, with their son born exactly one day after our youngest, so happy.. taking pictures together... my younger siblings with their significant other... my parents cuddling on the couch.. and they way they look at me. I guess I couldn't hide it that well that day. They know I'm so broken right now.
All I do is replay every fight, everything said in the last few days. Sometimes I hit this clarity that I will get past this. To my bestfriend and my family I look so strong " girl you are the strongest person I know, idk what I would do, your such a great mom" to my therapist... I'm a mess I'm still not eating. I wake up every hour feeling like I heard the garage door opening indicating he's back.
Idk how I'm going to get past Christmas, to be honest I feel like trash. Like my kids and I were sucked dry and just abandoned. I dont want to sound like a teen who says "this isn't fair, after everything I did?!" But I do feel like that. I feel like he never loved me. I feel so used, manipulated, and embarrassed.
On Thanksgiving I found myself going to the bathroom several times, I haven't had panic attacks for a few months. They are horrible. Looking around at the dining tabke to my whole family I couldn't stay positive. I would look at my sister and hee husband such amazing parents, with their son born exactly one day after our youngest, so happy.. taking pictures together... my younger siblings with their significant other... my parents cuddling on the couch.. and they way they look at me. I guess I couldn't hide it that well that day. They know I'm so broken right now.
All I do is replay every fight, everything said in the last few days. Sometimes I hit this clarity that I will get past this. To my bestfriend and my family I look so strong " girl you are the strongest person I know, idk what I would do, your such a great mom" to my therapist... I'm a mess I'm still not eating. I wake up every hour feeling like I heard the garage door opening indicating he's back.
Idk how I'm going to get past Christmas, to be honest I feel like trash. Like my kids and I were sucked dry and just abandoned. I dont want to sound like a teen who says "this isn't fair, after everything I did?!" But I do feel like that. I feel like he never loved me. I feel so used, manipulated, and embarrassed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Just4me, do you think maybe it's too early to be having large family functions? Or attending them? Maybe this is a time for you to look after yourself. Maybe you would have been happier at home, watching a movie and taking a hot bath and having chinese food?
It's something to think about because, right now, "pretending" for hours is really hard on you.
Maybe by the time xmas is here you will be feeling differently. Just remember, it really is just another day, the significance we put on it is really all our own. Maybe decide you don't have to be cheerful and smiling, just "be". Maybe your kiddies could spend time with your parents and sibling on xmas day and you could just show up for dinner time? That will give you a break between xmas morning and evening.
It's really is time to look after yourself.
As addiction is progressive, he is probably not the same person now as he was when he met you, I mean not even the same as he was a year or two ago. So it doesn't mean he was always the way he is now, so your relationship as it was was "real" and your feelings were real, unfortunately addiction now has a firm hold on him and he has to protect that at all cost.
It's going to take time to heal, yes months, you may not realize that you probably already feel a bit better than you did 2 weeks ago. It's slow, but you will be ok.
Have you seen your doctor? There is such a thing as situational depression and they may be able to help you with that and they also may be able to refer you to someone or a group where you can share more of what you are feeling.
Also maybe share more of how you are feeling with your family? I'm sure they want to help support you, if you let them.
It's something to think about because, right now, "pretending" for hours is really hard on you.
Maybe by the time xmas is here you will be feeling differently. Just remember, it really is just another day, the significance we put on it is really all our own. Maybe decide you don't have to be cheerful and smiling, just "be". Maybe your kiddies could spend time with your parents and sibling on xmas day and you could just show up for dinner time? That will give you a break between xmas morning and evening.
It's really is time to look after yourself.
As addiction is progressive, he is probably not the same person now as he was when he met you, I mean not even the same as he was a year or two ago. So it doesn't mean he was always the way he is now, so your relationship as it was was "real" and your feelings were real, unfortunately addiction now has a firm hold on him and he has to protect that at all cost.
It's going to take time to heal, yes months, you may not realize that you probably already feel a bit better than you did 2 weeks ago. It's slow, but you will be ok.
Have you seen your doctor? There is such a thing as situational depression and they may be able to help you with that and they also may be able to refer you to someone or a group where you can share more of what you are feeling.
Also maybe share more of how you are feeling with your family? I'm sure they want to help support you, if you let them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 115
Hey just came across your post. What an ubearable tough thing to go through! AND during the holidays. AND - most of all - as a mom. No allowances no vacations. Im sure youd love to pack up and go to your moms!
I dont know you at all but I'm proud of you for going to therapy. I did that this time last year and it was so hard where my Mom Face was able to let down and I would just bawl. But Holy **** the hardest part in my life made way for the best time. You are unbelievably amazing to tackle this and be proactive and be posting here posting too.
Please take time to take care of yourself. Forget the dishes, take the kids out to Crumblz. Forget shopping for presents, go spend a grip of money on yourself. You deserve all of that and more. Especially if it makes you even a little bit happy.
Sending you hugs stranger.
I dont know you at all but I'm proud of you for going to therapy. I did that this time last year and it was so hard where my Mom Face was able to let down and I would just bawl. But Holy **** the hardest part in my life made way for the best time. You are unbelievably amazing to tackle this and be proactive and be posting here posting too.
Please take time to take care of yourself. Forget the dishes, take the kids out to Crumblz. Forget shopping for presents, go spend a grip of money on yourself. You deserve all of that and more. Especially if it makes you even a little bit happy.
Sending you hugs stranger.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
