Metcalfe123

Hi, I’ve been reading through this board for the past year. My husband soon to be x husband is a crack addict. He has been using off and on for about 2 years and has completed 30 days in rehab about 8 months ago. We have been married for 12 years together 23 years. We have 2 chikdren 15 and 5. We were seperated 2 years and got back together to work on our relationship, when we got back together I wasn’t aware that he had started using drugs and helped him through the struggle and got him to rehab, things were going great, we talked the whole time through treatment and when he got out we were excited to go on with our lives being careful as to relapse happening. He did AA meeting at the beginning but voiced to me he didn’t think they were nessasary because he didn’t feel connected to it and was doing well on his own. We continued on through the summer doing this I thought we enjoyed. There were times when he wanted to make big purchases that I wasn’t sure we should do but shot them down. (He now says this is one of the reasons I got in the way of his recovery, holding him back, and controlling his happiness). He started to use again, I confronted him and he would binge and take off for the night. It broke my heart everytime. I grew resentful and started to pull away, this caused him to also withdraw and and ge because worse until last week I asked him to leave. This time he left and said he wasn’t coming back. He wants to sell the house and move on with his life. He associates me with his addition and says he ready to change his life. I can’t feel absolutely heartbroken and discarded. He blames our relationship problems on his use. I pleaded and begged for him to reconsider so we could work things out but he is done. I’m lost as what to do. It’s like I don’t even know this person. I miss my husband so much. Please help.

trailmix

Hi Metcalfe, glad you found the forum.

Well, chicken or egg? Did his drug use cause the problems in your relationship or is it the other way around. Amazing that he can even know, addicts don't have the best judgement now do they.

It's terrible to have to miss a person that can be standing right in front of you but is no longer "there". With mindset and personality changes addiction brings about, he isn't the man you knew, or perhaps the man he is sometimes when sober, however he is the person he is right now.

It's very important to see him just the way he is. Not the way you want to see him, not as his "potential", that's not him. He is the guy who wants freedom to use his drug of choice, that's who he is and he is willing to give up everything to do just that.

I hope you will keep posting and read around the forum. There are many stories here you can probably relate to and many ways to start to heal from the damage he and his drugs have done to your lives.

The most important thing? Looking after yourself, taking care of yourself and thinking about what you want. It will take time to heal from all of this, but it will get better each day.

Metcalfe123

Hi Trailmix,

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Reading through the threads has helped me feel less alone though the struggle.

my husband has struggled with addiction throughout the years but to be honest there was a lack of trust on my behalf as well. To get really honest with myself and this thread, in the past there was infidelity on my part nothing physical but def inappropriate. This was about 10 years ago. This has always strained the relationship and we have struggled. So to answer your question about the chicken or the egg. I can’t be too sure. I wonder if my shame plays a part with his blame for his use. I don’t accept it but almost feel at fault for it.

Its hard to Decipher if his leaving is because he can’t deal with the relationship issues and wants to better himself or he can’t deal with staying sober because I hold him accountable.

trailmix

I think you will probably find it is the latter.

There is one thing that is clear though, addicts don't need any reason to use on any given day. The draw to the alcohol or any other drug is just that - an addiction and that really doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone else, just him.

I think it's also safe to say that in any relationship where drugs are involved, there will be problems!

People who call addicts on their use can quickly enter the "enemy" camp. Anyone or anything that tries to come between the user and his/her drug of choice is an enemy to the addiction and when it's in play, it's running the show.

There is "sobriety" from the drug - just not using and there is "recovery" where the person works to overcome and correct things that got him there in the first place. Sounds like the mega purchases were/are just another form of addiction.

He's not in recovery anyway, or sober even, so nothing has really changed, except he is putting his foot down and choosing drugs over recovery.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You need support too you know. Have you checked out AlAnon and/or NarAnon meetings at all? You will find support here on these forums but getting as much as you can is very important. You aren't alone.

Metcalfe123

The big purchases he explains were to keep him and our family busy throughout the summer to help him recover and I impeded that. Also he implies that by distancing myself he was pushed further into his addition with feelings of loneliness. I do admit that I at times did not include him in activities but I needed time to myself and I encouraged him to do the same. I just have so much guilt. I want to come back from this but have no idea what that looks like or how to accomplish that.

I actually looked up alnon and coda meetings in my area. I plan to attend a few this week.

trailmix

There is a book that is often recommended here - Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. You might find it really helpful in asserting boundaries and in the way you look at the relationship.

Basically he feels the everything is your fault. As you are probably aware, when someone veers off in to something that isn't good, there has to be justification and addiction is no different. Whether that is crack or buying cds. In fact Gabor Mate (world renowned addiction specialist) admits to having an addiction that was just that - buying CDs, but he didn't recognize it at first.

The whole keeping the family busy with these big purchases to help his recovery makes exactly zero sense. Justification is key though and he's doing just that.

You can't and you didn't "make" him drink, no matter what he says, do hold on to that. He is a grown man with a mind of his own and if he chooses to drink, well he chooses to drink.

There is no point in feeling guilty, truly there isn't, you didn't cause this. It's absolutely natural to pull away when someone is not treating us well. It would be unnatural not to! Do you keep hitting your head on a brick wall? How much sacrifice of yourself would be sufficient for him to quit drinking exactly?

When you say you want to come back from this, do you mean personally, yourself, or back to a relationship with him? If it's with him, he is the one who is going to have to change and he certainly doesn't sound like he's in any mindset to do that.

Just4me1990

My heart goes out to you and your children. I was in tears halfway down your story. I know your pain. It's about to make 1 month since he has left us and I can barely keep it together. We have been together for years. 3 kids. A 7 year old, a 18 month old, and a 3 month old. I found out he had a crack addiction about 3 years back. And yes we went through exactly the same things. Towards the end he would say I became too controlling with the money. I was only careful I didn't want us to not have emergency money with 2 under 2. He left to his mom's. Phones past due now $800 just to turn them back on, rent was backed up 1 month and a half. My bank account negative $600. No money for absolutely nothing. The first few days were hell. Not going to lie on Thanksgiving I locked myself several times in the bathroom I couldn't breath. But when I have my moments of clarity I am starting to realize somethings. It is not your fault. He is lost right now. He only wants to do what will give him easy access to his fix. You have to accept that the man that you fell in love with may never come back. Your kids need you more than ever. Use this time to strengthen your bond with them. We both know they can not count on him if he starts to disappear more often. Pick up a hobby, start therapy. These days I just cry for my hour in therapy but you know what? One day I won't so much I will be able to talk more. You and I.. we may not see why this happened to us now. But with time we will. In a world where addiction is tearing so many families apart. Being in it like this can help us with the tools to help our kids or a family member if it were to happen to them. You got this momma.

Metcalfe123

When you say you want to come back from this, do you mean personally, yourself, or back to a relationship with him? If it's with him, he is the one who is going to have to change and he certainly doesn't sound like he's in any mindset to do that.[/QUOTE]

Good morning trailmix,

yes, I’m still holding onto hope that he will see the value in keeping our family together and making the right choices. I’m been trying to convince him, but I know I shouldn’t have to. My mind screams at me “be a better wife, stop trying to control him, why do you do that or this?” It’s horrible thinking.and Like I said in my previous post his plan is to move on with his life without me in it but I’ve got to make the tough choices about our home. Hes staying at his moms (which shes really never liked me) and says he can’t sleep on the couch forever. He hasn’t seen the kids for a week now. I’m struggling, this is soo hard.

Metcalfe123

Good morning sweetheart,

I went and read your threads and my heart aches for you and your children. I know how difficult it is with babies. That stage they are so reliant on you. It’s so difficult keeping it together for the kids but we have to, don’t we. Push ourselves through the day with that huge hole and Anxiety. I’ve been with my husband since I was 15, I know no other way of being. We grew up together and have been though so much. We were always eachother comfort and support in the worst of times. It’s unbearable isn’t it.

I’ve make a therapy appointment but I can’t get into see her until January. I did attend a coda meeting last night and just listened. Thank you so much for the support, I was nice to wake up this morning and not feel so alone. Hugs to you and your precious babies. May we make it through another day!

trailmix

Aside from getting all the support you can muster (and coda is a great start), also here, it's a good idea to learn about addiction. None of us, generally, know that much about addiction until we have to, I mean, why would we?

Your Husband is not a special snowflake when it comes to addiction, what he is claiming and saying is addiction 101 really. You might find the articles at this site helpful in understanding addiction:

Excuses Alcoholics Make

Nobody is going to tell ME what to do

The problems caused by addiction are avoided or obscured by a heroic pose worthy of Patrick Henry ("Give me liberty or give me death!"). By focusing on his supposed freedom to do as he wishes - actually the freedom of his addiction to do as it wishes - the addict sidesteps the more difficult question of the rationality and sanity of his behavior. Defiance and oppositional behavior are common defenses of addicts against looking at themselves.

I'd be OK if it weren't for you

The addict blames his addictive behavior on his significant other, usually his spouse. He feels resentful and self-pitying about the way he considers himself to be treated and uses this to justify his addiction. Since one of the commonest causes of resentment and self-pity in addicts is criticism by others of their addictive behavior, and since the characteristic response of the addict to such criticism is to escalate addictive behavior, this process tends to be self-perpetuating. The addict is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of his own mind in order to justify and rationalize his own behavior.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress.