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Abandoned..

Old 11-17-2022, 05:51 AM
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Abandoned..

I did everything right. 2 pregnancies back to back no car, working getting paid 12 an hour on my feet while pregnant paid for everything. Super supportive when I found out about his crack cocaine addiction. We put the kids in the car also have a 7 year old every single day for him to do his mechanic work. Hours spent in that car.. years.. this has been going on for 3 now. He would always find a way to work his day job at the mechanic shop that pays cash weekly to disappear every Thursday or friday.. coming back Sunday or Monday saying sorry and having me have to figure out a way to come up with gas money to get us to the next job to make the money he lost. Then he found a job that doesn't pay cash. Money went straight to my account everysingle cent went to paying bills and never hid where his money went. He was sober. It was good but I knew he needed treatment or he would find a way. Relapsed once with $10. But was doing great compared to the past 3 years. Hours start coming ridiculously low. Rent over a month past due, phones cut off, he snaps and quits job. Okay back in the car we go to road service. He gets angrier and angrier picks on my daughter she's 7 and has mental delay. I react. Because I don't do that. Huge fight he says he can do it on his own. I beg him not to do this I can't go through another winter paying for everything on my own. He promises to come back. Never does. I don't sleep I don't eat. Can barely breast feed (our youngest just made 3 months) contact his sister to let her know he is missing again after 4 days. She says he's been at their moms house now he's too embarrassed to come home.. he is refusing to go to inpatient is waiting for a outpatient program is doing side jobs on his own. The kids are sick I am doing it all on my own. And now is saying that he needs to stay with his mom because he's trying to figure somethings out. .... idk what I did wrong... I fear I'm not going to make it without drinking and I have been sober for 7 years. I just want the pain to go away.
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Old 11-18-2022, 02:27 AM
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Prayers
You need to think of yourself-your kids for the future...get some professional help/advice..the Salvo's, community centre.....
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Old 11-18-2022, 02:44 AM
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You are stronger than you know. Your children need you, so please try and remain healthy for them.
I have experienced the same, many years ago, although not due to addiction issues, and trust me, you will come through it.
You've been sober for 7 years, that shows you what strength and determination you have.
You did NOTHING wrong. This is on your husband. He's the one who decided to use and he needs to work that out for himself.
You need to prioritise you, and your kids. Find out what help you can access. Can you make arrangements with the landlord regarding the rent?
Take Good Care
Much Love
Bute x
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Old 11-18-2022, 11:35 AM
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Yes I've been talking to the landlord and am trying my best to pay. I will speak to her better in person explaining the change in my household. I'm in therapy and am going to join a group. It's been been so hard. He called last night begging to help me with $40 and to watch our 18 month old who is sick with RSV in the car while I take our 3 month old in for shots. He said he would be here at 9am sharp. Waited until 10am. My brother cancelled his job to watch the 18 month old so I could take my youngest, I don't understand why is he playing these games.
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Old 11-20-2022, 12:36 PM
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Hey, I was with someone for 18 months and the damaged he caused me mentally is scary. I'm 8 months out of the relationship. When we broke up I didn't want to " loose" him because I loved the bones of him. But what I didn't realise was I had lost myself!

He was a sober alcoholic. Addicted to weed and often took opiates. I was told he did coke but I am a little sheltered and can't say i witnessed it. Although certain things such as spoons going missing, Canada goose coat he lent out never cane back and hid tele was stolen first thing in the morning whilst he walked the dog. He sometimes lost 20 notes and he was good at dropping tobacco in the sink.

After we broke up people told me he was no way getting through all that tobacco etc. But also he pretended he was going to buy some cleaning products once and I gave him the money. The next day the products were not under the sink.

Being messed around emotionally and financially is just killing you inside. Its not fair on you because i bet like me you cant truly enjoy your family. The lies and the nonsense just go through your head over and over and you just can't get anywhere.

I always say it's like a million piece puzzle and every piece is same colour. Your never ever ever going to know the whole truth.

But what you do know is that you dont trust him and you cant rely on him. You need someone that is by your side 50/50 to be a team with you.

I bet you can't sleep or eat or focus.

I'll be honest. I cried for 9 weeks everyday and then it was probably 3 times a week. Then once a week. I missed him. I craved him. I wanted answers. But also I clicked on and realised alot of stuff like he was likely addicted to cocaine or something. He was havibf dodgy people round and likely cheated on me too based on a couple of ateange comments and I swear I saw earrings in his kitchen but he says they were off a Christmas card decoration and I didn't really look close enough and wish I had. There was so much stuff and its hard to process.

The only thing I can say for sure with confidence is you are better of without him. This is who he is. So if you want to keep him this is him for years to come.

Don't let your kids grow up before you get yourself happy and at peace. Don't loose your life and your years to him.

I know you love him. I really do understand the trauma bond and the love and the memories you have going round in your mind. But he's killing your soul. Let him go and educate yourself. Watch you tube and understand you are being abused. There's no easy way out of this. Sadly you have to take the painful road

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Old 11-20-2022, 07:17 PM
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Yes.. I barely eating, I'm not sleeping, I'm washing bottles one minute and the next I'm on the floor. I feel like I can't breath the pain is so bad. I just want this pain to stop.
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Old 11-21-2022, 12:24 AM
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I honestly understand so so much. I went in my garden and just sat on the floor next to the shed and sobbed like a baby. Tears were falling fast and all I was thinking is I can't do this. I can't be without him. I need him. I miss him.

I know this won't be a miracle piece of advice but in my first session at therapy I felt exactly like you. They told me I was so used to the highs and lows. Up and down. Up and down. When he gave me the tiniest bit of positivity I was so relived and happy he was OK.. but then it came crashing down. Be honest with yourself how long did you ever stay on track and happy. We got to 3 weeks once without a bad patch and I felt like we had achieved something huge. But guess what. He was up to no good on his phone and talking to other women. That's the only reason he wasn't as snappy. He had his head elsewear.
anyways the therapist said your not used to your emotions staying on one level for long and so now he's gone your craving the drama.

The truth is your guy will return I expect. But what sort of life is this? Your sad. Your not able to enjoy being mum. Your not feeling safe and protected.

do you want to know something else aswel? I gave him Everything. All my savings..all my time. He didn't value me even though for 9 months in a row I paid for all his shopping!! He ate because of Me. He had electricity because of me. I wasn't even living with him.

Can I ask you?

Are there other women?
How does he treat you on your birthday?
does he put you down?
does he conpare you?

Look up trauma bonding and if you are interested go and look at ask anoushka and narc surviror on you tube. Go look an angue atkinson on you tube. Or narc con.

Those channels saved me. Your first step is learning you really really are not alone. There's a whole bunch of people out there going through this alongside you and can help you make sense of various different things going on here.

I was emotionally and mentally abused. Loads of corceive control. Financially abused. There was sexual stuff going on aswel. He put me in danger and he didn't care about me let alone my kids.

your guy may well have struggles and demons. But you are not on this earth to deal with his selfishness and he is selfish and nor taking respnisibilty for his lady or his children.

Trust me I know. For months and months i couldn't truly join in with people and say yes he's nothing but a selfish abuser. I still wanted to see the good in him. But truthfully none of it was good.

I wake up everyday now and I have adjusted. I like being on my own. I like having money for me and thre kids now. I like not dealing with his moods. I like being free and not having to figure out who's getting his attention or whether he's cheating.

I know your struggling but I can't stress to you how much getting educated on narcissom and addiction will help. Once you learn how similar they all are and how they never ever can truly change.

I'd rather be alone and if there's someone healthy minded out there i meet one day then great. But I'd never ever go back there now. 8 months on and hand on my heart I'll never go back and I'm finally free.
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Old 11-23-2022, 12:07 PM
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Thanksgiving tomorrow and Christmas will be here soon. First time in 5 years without him. Sometimes it feels like my heart will burst if he doesn't come back, sometimes I swear I hear his car and go running out. But I know there will be a day when the pain won't be so bad anymore, hearing a loud car won't cause me to run outside. I can't see it now, but maybe he did me and the kids a favor. He is out of control. Taking care of him was consuming all of us. I stopped loving myself I came last for everything. I look in the mirror and I'm so embarrassed of how far I went. I lost myself trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved.
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