New to SR..struggling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 2
New to SR..struggling
Hi all,
i have been browsing the forums for about a month now. I have been digesting all the information posted, and it has been invaluable.
My story: I am involved with a drug addict, DOC crack, and snorting heroin as of late. I am struggling with the detachment part. This man has been my friend since early childhood, 30 years. We have always shared our own kind of bond. In his 20's, we were living totally separate lives, during that time he began using crack. After a very bad, drug fueled rage, he went to prison for 13 years. I had no contact with him during that time. A few months after his release, in 2020, he contacted me. I remember seeing him as a suggested friend on FB, and my heart raced! Oddly enough, i did something i've never done before or since. I did not request him, instead i put it out to God that if he is someone positive for my life, he will contact me. And a few weeks later he did just that.
We made a plan to have lunch, and oh boy, it was love at first sight. I remember thinking, oh there you are, i've been waiting my whole life for you. He felt like home to me. At that time he was living with an old friend, was sober and working. He had goals of getting a union job, and getting his own place. We spent a ton of time catching up. We have always been very open with one another, and as adults we were able to confide in one another things we have never shared with anyone. A few months after we got together, he did in fact get that union job! he was so proud. He ended up finding a room for rent in a nice place, and things were going well. Then little things started happening, not answering the phone at night, being a bit insecure and jealous. I chalked it up to him being in prison for so long. He had never really had a serious relationship.
Shortly after his move, his landlord contacted him asking that he move out. Two other roommates had moved in, mid 20's and one was very uncomfortable living with someone that had a record like his. His landlord reimbursed everything he paid, and then some.
My guy was mad, and crushed. He felt terrible for being pre judged. And he had been honest on the rental application. He ended up moving in with his sister. She doesn;t use drugs, but all of her sons and bf either deal or use. She doesn't care as long as everybody gives her money. Right after he moved in, his father died. He was devastated. His dad was one of the few people that had gone and seen him while he was away. He started disappearing on me, for a day or two at a time. When he would finally reappear, he would say he was just depressed. I believed it. I knew he still hung with old friends, and they weren't the best, but his resolve to live a better life seemed so strong.
There were no signs of drug use. He's a really big guy, no weight loss, no strange behaviors, no mood swings while around me. I knew something was off, i actually thought maybe he was cheating. I had always been concerned that he may find it difficult to be faithful considering he had no real relationship experience. And i looked through his phone history, where he was watching a lot of porn, at odd times. Like 4-6am.
Eventually he moved to his moms place, the one place he told me from the start that he never wanted to live in. Her house is about 5 blocks away from what we call in Boston, "methadone mile". He started disappearing more often, foolish excuses. he is a very proud, well kept man. there were times i would see him and he would be very disheveled and he always slept a lot after the disappearing act. I also noticed he reeked of alcohol often when i would pick him up. The alarms in my head were going off. He is on probation, and had random urine screens, but he always passed. He ended up moving into a sober house. While living there, he would ignore me often, on important days too, like valentines day, or days he was supposed to go to the gym with me. He would often start stupid arguments with me, and use his silence to punish me.
I finally took his phone, knowing he wasn't tech savvy. i looked up his location history. And there it all was, proof that he would often be at parks or drug areas at all hours, returning to the sober house in time to get ready for work. Then i found the bottle of fake urine he kept in his backpack. He admitted he had used, but that he was done. Of course he wasn't. his behavior became more erratic. he would cause huge arguments and storm out of my house, ignoring me. After a particularly bad argument, he stole my car for 3 days and decided to use my credit cards. I filed a police report, and he was arrested. He was held in jail for 3 months, because of probation, eventually the DA dropped the charges. At this point we have made up, and he came to stay with me after being released , so november 2021.
He had lost his place in the union, and was looking for work. He stayed in the house all of the time, cooking, cleaning, helping me with the kids. it was wonderful. Middle of December he went to his moms to pick up some things, didn't return to me for 4 days, no phone calls nothing. When he came back he was full of excuses. Things were good again until mid January, another disappearing act. It was about a week and when he came home, he was defeated. He admitted he had a problem, he got himself into treatment. This was the first time in his life he admitted the addiction and seeked out help. He did 45 days in detox, then went to a 6 month rehab program. Through NA he ran into some higher ups in the union, they rehired him on probation status. God gave him everything back, and very quickly. Probation made it a stipulation that he complete the program. From March to late June, he was doing great. Happy to be working, following the program rules, investing a lot of time and love into my kids and i. I was looking forward to our future.
He started getting stressed, about what to me, were small things. Certain rules at his rehab, relationship issues with his only son (23). He spoke about his stress with me, but i didn't realize how heavy it felt to him. In my eyes, his life was going great. Then it happened. My guy calls me every morning to sing to me on his way to work. It is one of my favorite things. This particular day, he didn't call. My gut said something is wrong. i called, he didn't answer, but did respond with a text that he would call me on his break and he loved me. No call on break.I just knew. I called an hour after his workday ended, no answer. But he texted to tell me he was at the union hall taking a class. i told him to stop lying to me, and that he was proving himself to be someone i cannot count on. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, but the rehab had notified me that he never returned for curfew on the day he stopped answering me. This also meant he had violated probation. It has now been 7 weeks. i have spoken to him 3x. He tells me he loves me, his life is a mess, he's done a lot of bad in the streets, and is concerned about possible retribution so he stays lying low. He told me once he sees my face, he knows he will have to turn himself in, and has promised he was coming the last 2 fridays, just to no show and not respond to me.
I have a difficult time understanding why he would just throw it all away. It hurts me that he's okay with not talking to me. I fear that he will just give up. I realize a romantic relationship cannot be had right now. But he really is my best friend. I text him every couple days, reminding him we love him, and that when he's ready for help, i'm here. Is this the wrong thing to do? I'm not sure. Thank you for reading, i needed somewhere to share.
i have been browsing the forums for about a month now. I have been digesting all the information posted, and it has been invaluable.
My story: I am involved with a drug addict, DOC crack, and snorting heroin as of late. I am struggling with the detachment part. This man has been my friend since early childhood, 30 years. We have always shared our own kind of bond. In his 20's, we were living totally separate lives, during that time he began using crack. After a very bad, drug fueled rage, he went to prison for 13 years. I had no contact with him during that time. A few months after his release, in 2020, he contacted me. I remember seeing him as a suggested friend on FB, and my heart raced! Oddly enough, i did something i've never done before or since. I did not request him, instead i put it out to God that if he is someone positive for my life, he will contact me. And a few weeks later he did just that.
We made a plan to have lunch, and oh boy, it was love at first sight. I remember thinking, oh there you are, i've been waiting my whole life for you. He felt like home to me. At that time he was living with an old friend, was sober and working. He had goals of getting a union job, and getting his own place. We spent a ton of time catching up. We have always been very open with one another, and as adults we were able to confide in one another things we have never shared with anyone. A few months after we got together, he did in fact get that union job! he was so proud. He ended up finding a room for rent in a nice place, and things were going well. Then little things started happening, not answering the phone at night, being a bit insecure and jealous. I chalked it up to him being in prison for so long. He had never really had a serious relationship.
Shortly after his move, his landlord contacted him asking that he move out. Two other roommates had moved in, mid 20's and one was very uncomfortable living with someone that had a record like his. His landlord reimbursed everything he paid, and then some.
My guy was mad, and crushed. He felt terrible for being pre judged. And he had been honest on the rental application. He ended up moving in with his sister. She doesn;t use drugs, but all of her sons and bf either deal or use. She doesn't care as long as everybody gives her money. Right after he moved in, his father died. He was devastated. His dad was one of the few people that had gone and seen him while he was away. He started disappearing on me, for a day or two at a time. When he would finally reappear, he would say he was just depressed. I believed it. I knew he still hung with old friends, and they weren't the best, but his resolve to live a better life seemed so strong.
There were no signs of drug use. He's a really big guy, no weight loss, no strange behaviors, no mood swings while around me. I knew something was off, i actually thought maybe he was cheating. I had always been concerned that he may find it difficult to be faithful considering he had no real relationship experience. And i looked through his phone history, where he was watching a lot of porn, at odd times. Like 4-6am.
Eventually he moved to his moms place, the one place he told me from the start that he never wanted to live in. Her house is about 5 blocks away from what we call in Boston, "methadone mile". He started disappearing more often, foolish excuses. he is a very proud, well kept man. there were times i would see him and he would be very disheveled and he always slept a lot after the disappearing act. I also noticed he reeked of alcohol often when i would pick him up. The alarms in my head were going off. He is on probation, and had random urine screens, but he always passed. He ended up moving into a sober house. While living there, he would ignore me often, on important days too, like valentines day, or days he was supposed to go to the gym with me. He would often start stupid arguments with me, and use his silence to punish me.
I finally took his phone, knowing he wasn't tech savvy. i looked up his location history. And there it all was, proof that he would often be at parks or drug areas at all hours, returning to the sober house in time to get ready for work. Then i found the bottle of fake urine he kept in his backpack. He admitted he had used, but that he was done. Of course he wasn't. his behavior became more erratic. he would cause huge arguments and storm out of my house, ignoring me. After a particularly bad argument, he stole my car for 3 days and decided to use my credit cards. I filed a police report, and he was arrested. He was held in jail for 3 months, because of probation, eventually the DA dropped the charges. At this point we have made up, and he came to stay with me after being released , so november 2021.
He had lost his place in the union, and was looking for work. He stayed in the house all of the time, cooking, cleaning, helping me with the kids. it was wonderful. Middle of December he went to his moms to pick up some things, didn't return to me for 4 days, no phone calls nothing. When he came back he was full of excuses. Things were good again until mid January, another disappearing act. It was about a week and when he came home, he was defeated. He admitted he had a problem, he got himself into treatment. This was the first time in his life he admitted the addiction and seeked out help. He did 45 days in detox, then went to a 6 month rehab program. Through NA he ran into some higher ups in the union, they rehired him on probation status. God gave him everything back, and very quickly. Probation made it a stipulation that he complete the program. From March to late June, he was doing great. Happy to be working, following the program rules, investing a lot of time and love into my kids and i. I was looking forward to our future.
He started getting stressed, about what to me, were small things. Certain rules at his rehab, relationship issues with his only son (23). He spoke about his stress with me, but i didn't realize how heavy it felt to him. In my eyes, his life was going great. Then it happened. My guy calls me every morning to sing to me on his way to work. It is one of my favorite things. This particular day, he didn't call. My gut said something is wrong. i called, he didn't answer, but did respond with a text that he would call me on his break and he loved me. No call on break.I just knew. I called an hour after his workday ended, no answer. But he texted to tell me he was at the union hall taking a class. i told him to stop lying to me, and that he was proving himself to be someone i cannot count on. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, but the rehab had notified me that he never returned for curfew on the day he stopped answering me. This also meant he had violated probation. It has now been 7 weeks. i have spoken to him 3x. He tells me he loves me, his life is a mess, he's done a lot of bad in the streets, and is concerned about possible retribution so he stays lying low. He told me once he sees my face, he knows he will have to turn himself in, and has promised he was coming the last 2 fridays, just to no show and not respond to me.
I have a difficult time understanding why he would just throw it all away. It hurts me that he's okay with not talking to me. I fear that he will just give up. I realize a romantic relationship cannot be had right now. But he really is my best friend. I text him every couple days, reminding him we love him, and that when he's ready for help, i'm here. Is this the wrong thing to do? I'm not sure. Thank you for reading, i needed somewhere to share.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey, Neomee...
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and I'm very sorry that you're in such distress. I'm glad that you found a lot of the posts helpful, and my hope is you'll realize you're not alone in your struggle.
Emotionally, you've been hit by a truck, and you're beyond the point where you're tapped out. I think you're at the point where for your own well-being, you have to detach from him. That doesn't mean you don't love him, or you don't want what's best for him. What it does mean is you're compromised, and you need to regain your footing and your sanity. The price you've paid for having him in the picture has become too high.
There are a lot of women on this site who've been through what you're going through. My hope is they'll pipe up and provide you comfort and guidance. You can, and will, get through this. But first, you need to decide to be done.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here, and I'm very sorry that you're in such distress. I'm glad that you found a lot of the posts helpful, and my hope is you'll realize you're not alone in your struggle.
Emotionally, you've been hit by a truck, and you're beyond the point where you're tapped out. I think you're at the point where for your own well-being, you have to detach from him. That doesn't mean you don't love him, or you don't want what's best for him. What it does mean is you're compromised, and you need to regain your footing and your sanity. The price you've paid for having him in the picture has become too high.
There are a lot of women on this site who've been through what you're going through. My hope is they'll pipe up and provide you comfort and guidance. You can, and will, get through this. But first, you need to decide to be done.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
What if some bad guys came to your house or came for him while you and the kids were out and about with him? You think his associates care about your well being? He’s already put your kids in harms way. If something happened to one of you, you’d instantly hate him, and see the truth about who he really is. Or if you find out he’s really cheating, or had in the past. After all you’ve done for him. Is that your deal breaker? Unfortunately, that was mine. It should have been all the other bad things, and first and foremost the history of drug addiction. What if he became the man he was meant to be, and then he left you for someone else? Then you’d really hate him. But not more than you’d hate yourself for staying, and sacrificing your pride and integrity. Why is it that we, as women, are willing to give up so much for love instead of safety and security? Only to find out later it wasn’t love after all, he always put himself first?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by hollyhobbie 
What if some bad guys came to your house or came for him while you and the kids were out and about with him? You think his associates care about your well being? He’s already put your kids in harms way. If something happened to one of you, you’d instantly hate him, and see the truth about who he really is. Or if you find out he’s really cheating, or had in the past. After all you’ve done for him. Is that your deal breaker? Unfortunately, that was mine. It should have been all the other bad things, and first and foremost the history of drug addiction. What if he became the man he was meant to be, and then he left you for someone else? Then you’d really hate him. But not more than you’d hate yourself for staying, and sacrificing your pride and integrity. Why is it that we, as women, are willing to give up so much for love instead of safety and security? Only to find out later it wasn’t love after all, he always put himself first?
Thank you for your response. All of your words are fair. I have no intentions on continuing a romantic relationship. I would like to support him as a friend, if he chooses recovery. I'm just not sure if texting every week, letting him know he matters is the right thing to do. I would like to be supportive from a distance.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Naomee.......he has those who are better suited to be a friend to him than yourself----The NA program and it's members. a personal counselor. and a sponsor, for example.
To answer your question----I do not think that texting him weekly professing your devotion to him is the right thing to do, That is likely to lead him directly back to what you are trying to extract yourself from.
To answer your question----I do not think that texting him weekly professing your devotion to him is the right thing to do, That is likely to lead him directly back to what you are trying to extract yourself from.
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