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Advice…..

Old 08-08-2022, 09:14 AM
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Advice…..

I recently started talking to a man who did some time which involved drug charges/ n robbery. He’s been up front about everything. Gave me info to pull his record up so I could personally see it.

I assumed he’d been out longer then he has, he said he’s been clean for 6 yrs, and I just assumed he’d been out a while, but it’s only been a month. He is as he says still on a leash due to the PO n ankle monitor.

Other then his stint in prison n drug use. He is perfect for me. Similar backgrounds growin up, military brats growin up, him going in after high school, just a lot of things in common.

I know from my best friend using that recovery is a daily thing, always being active in something to keep clean .

He says him going to meetings and being around addict s don’t work for him, he’s tried it that he just gets a buddy in there and they leave n get high. So he wants to stay away from it. Said he just wants to work n focus on getting back on his own 2 feet . He’s going back to work for the company he was with 6 years ago before prison stint.

So he was clean in prison, my fear for him is once that monitor is off, once there’s no PO check in n **** tests…..

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. He’s a great guy he’s got potential to go far in his career field. And I will back him up n be his biggest fan.

He wants a relationship, I can see me in a relationship with him, but I know a month out after 6 yrs ….. still on monitor….

How do I approach him about that big u know when it’s off, that I worry about????

Any advice is appreciated.
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Old 08-08-2022, 09:33 AM
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My advice (from an alcoholic in recovery for years) would be to be totally upfront with him about what concerns you. He has been upfront with you, which is a good sign, so be upfront with him. His reaction and subsequent actions will give you more information that will help you in deciding how you will move forward in your life. In my experience being upfront is ultimately the easier softer way because it cuts down on missteps and allows us to make the best use of our time and efforts.
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Old 08-08-2022, 11:52 AM
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I would be INCREDIBLY cautious. There are red flags all over this. You have a drug addict who is just out of prison on - drug charges. Yet he wants you to believe he's been clean for 6 years?

He robbed someone/somewhere. If he was clean, as he claims, that is more of a red flag - who in their "right" mind would do that?

There is something about his story that just doesn't add up - at all, so you are wise to be questioning it. Go with your gut feeling on this (which is uncomfortable, true?).

If you don't, it just looks like a lot of hurt and disappointment down the road for you. You deserve a healthy relationship, he hasn't actually "done" anything to stay clean except go to prison.

I hope you will look out for yourself. There is a book which is the most recommended in the Friends and Family forum, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie (I'm not saying you are codependent by the way). It has a lot of good information about situations and boundaries. Not just in romantic relationships but in general.

How to approach him? He needs time to get his life in order, maybe it's wise to give him space and see where he is at in a year or so if you really want to pursue this? Learn about addiction (for you, not for him). Addiction never goes away, he can never use drugs again or he will be right back on that slippery slope.

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Old 08-08-2022, 03:57 PM
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How does he handle stress? Have you seen him in an argument? His reaction to bad news?

These tend to bring out the urges in my AGf. She's relapsed because of bad experiences and is in the middle of one now! This one being by far the worst in 5 years...may be our undoing. sorry to hijack your thread a little
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Old 08-08-2022, 08:39 PM
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he n I did some talking this afternoon. He made a comment that he didn’t think he’s good enough for me, which kinda started the this evenings conversation, I was honest n upfront with him with my concerns. He said it’s in the back of his mind aswell with the what will happen when the monitor is gone, he said long as he has his support system behind him he will be fine. I told him I’m trying to read any n everything on addiction to help me understand him more. He said he’s never had anyone do that or care . I told him things were going to be slow, we will take it a day at a time get to know each other more but the true test comes with the monitor is gone. All I can do is pray n listen.
I don’t know how he will cope or his reaction to something bad happening etc so that will be another test. But I voiced a lot of things this evening to him, he said thank you for telling me so we can try to work on it all. So….. just a day at a time it is I guess
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Old 08-08-2022, 08:46 PM
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Originally Posted by PugDec View Post
How does he handle stress? Have you seen him in an argument? His reaction to bad news?

These tend to bring out the urges in my AGf. She's relapsed because of bad experiences and is in the middle of one now! This one being by far the worst in 5 years...may be our undoing. sorry to hijack your thread a little
not seen how he deals with bad experiences yet….. I’m sure I’ll bring it up in our next conversation. You didn’t hijack anything…. I came here for honest feedback. Prayers for you and ur GF!!!!
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Old 08-09-2022, 07:23 AM
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Countrygirl.......one "red flag" that stands out to me, is the fact that he says that "meetings don't work for him".

I am giving you the following link to an article that I think is a pretty good yardstick......It is from a collection of over 100 excellent articles that we have on the "friends and families of alcoholics" forum. It applies to any addiction, though. You might want to check out these artices in the stickies section---above the regular threads on that forum. The section in the stickies, is called "Classic Readings"


10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Old 08-09-2022, 07:50 AM
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CountryGirl - I know he's attractive to you right now...but I'd say you can never really know someone until you've seen them in all kinds of situations over a L O N G period of time.

Someone with a record is also going to have significant challenges making a living, let alone creating a career path that could support a family.

I've made a decision in my life to not be involved with criminals or addicts. Unfortunately I had to learn that lesson the very hard way. I pray that you will walk away from him now and not suffer the pain that I did. It's very seductive as a woman to feel like I can be the savior and that I am so Princess-y Special that he will change for me. I mean, after all, he told me I am!

It is not the case. I am not and he won't or can't. Once I'm in it, it's even harder to admit I was wrong and I made a mistake.


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Old 08-09-2022, 08:06 AM
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CG Tex

Sorry for what brings you here

Legal definition of robbery - The unlawful taking of property from the person of another through the use of threat or force. Its a serious crime, one you need to think about

He cant go to meetings because he will make an addict buddy & go get high? Drugs are readily available & everywhere. He will be faced with daily choices. Our addicts know lots of other addicts & where to easily get drugs.

Our addicts tell us certain truths to gain our trust, but based on my experience, they never disclose all the truth. Has he been clean & sober for 6 years? Jails are also full of drug use.

I hope you at least consider dropping this guy before you get more tangled up with him.

Please take care.

PS if hes on probation or parole, he has no rights. They can do what they want with him when they want. Jails, across the country, are full with prisoners sent back to jail for probation & parole violations.
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Old 08-09-2022, 08:07 AM
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Countrygirl.......I agree, 150 per cent, with biminiblue, that, you can never really know a person until you have seen them in various situations over a l-o-n-g- time.
Even in stable, healthy relationships, with no significant toxicity or dysfunctions----this remains true.
lol...in the hottest, romantic, passionate relationships, during the months of early attraction---when all of the bonding hormones are high, and the rose colored glasses are still on---and hopes and dreams are sky-high.....------the shiny newness, eventually, wears off----and, reality sets in. This is when imperfections begin to show up----and those things that used to be "cute" or "sweet" or endearing---become, the very thing that are annoying or unbecoming. Who Knew??

My suggestion to you is to not begin making life commitments and fantasy plans for a Norman Rockwell (google it) future, in your own mind, before you have put in the long time that it gets to know him-----or, any other man, for that matter..
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Old 08-09-2022, 02:08 PM
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I'm probably the wrong person to ask as my position on a question such as yours has hardened significantly over a period of 10 years. That aside, here goes.

Whenever we get involved with someone romantically, the first question we should ask ourselves is whether that person's moral compass and values align well with our own. And there can't be any wishful thinking involved. We have to be 100% honest with ourselves. If there's the slightest doubt when you answer this question, then don't get involved. It doesn't mean you don't like or care for him him. It doesn't mean you don't wish him well. What it does mean is the risk you'd be taking by getting involved would compromise you.

Trust me when I tell you it's not worth it.

Then again, there's an old saying: Take what you like, and leave the rest.

Good luck.
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Old 08-09-2022, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by CountrygirlTex View Post
And I will back him up n be his biggest fan.
Just a couple of more things that came to mind.

This part above that you wrote. Who is your biggest fan? I hope it's you and you are backing yourself up, first and foremost. He, if he actually stays clean, has a huge endeavor to focus on, that won't leave a lot of energy to focus on you and what you would like to be doing - from him I mean. There is a tendency for the focus to be on the addict and their addiction only. Please look out for yourself. If you're looking out for him and he's looking out for him, who's looking out for you?

Secondly, and dandylion just mentioned this as well, the whole AA isn't for me, he finds a buddy to get high with? I guarantee you there is always (always!) someone around to get high with (for reference, look at any bar in any street in the country). If he can be that easily led, that's a problem. I suspect it's just his way of saying, I'm not going to any group.

Also keep in mind that drugs are drugs and that includes alcohol. He may well switch from whatever he was doing to a new drug, weed, beer, whatever doesn't seem so "offensive".
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Old 08-10-2022, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
CountryGirl - I know he's attractive to you right now...but I'd say you can never really know someone until you've seen them in all kinds of situations over a L O N G period of time.

Someone with a record is also going to have significant challenges making a living, let alone creating a career path that could support a family.

I've made a decision in my life to not be involved with criminals or addicts. Unfortunately I had to learn that lesson the very hard way. I pray that you will walk away from him now and not suffer the pain that I did. It's very seductive as a woman to feel like I can be the savior and that I am so Princess-y Special that he will change for me. I mean, after all, he told me I am!

It is not the case. I am not and he won't or can't. Once I'm in it, it's even harder to admit I was wrong and I made a mistake.
I know I asked him up front what happens after the monitor is off…: then what?!?
he is back at work with the company he was with years ago. They said they would give him a shot, he has to prove himself. He’s happy they are. But I still worry all the unknowns of when he’s off the leash sorda speak
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Old 08-10-2022, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
CG Tex

Sorry for what brings you here

Legal definition of robbery - The unlawful taking of property from the person of another through the use of threat or force. Its a serious crime, one you need to think about

He cant go to meetings because he will make an addict buddy & go get high? Drugs are readily available & everywhere. He will be faced with daily choices. Our addicts know lots of other addicts & where to easily get drugs.

Our addicts tell us certain truths to gain our trust, but based on my experience, they never disclose all the truth. Has he been clean & sober for 6 years? Jails are also full of drug use.

I hope you at least consider dropping this guy before you get more tangled up with him.

Please take care.

PS if hes on probation or parole, he has no rights. They can do what they want with him when they want. Jails, across the country, are full with prisoners sent back to jail for probation & parole violations.
I know , he became a trustee in jail , he knows I’m here getting advice and learning all I can. Just so many questions. I’m not afraid to ask him the questions. I told him I have a good career I’m not about to lose for his stupidity.
he says he’s greatful for a second chance with life, his job etc. but I still question everything he says n does which I’m sure will play on his nerves
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Old 08-10-2022, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by CountrygirlTex View Post
I recently started talking to a man who did some time which involved drug charges/ n robbery. He’s been up front about everything. Gave me info to pull his record up so I could personally see it.

I assumed he’d been out longer then he has, he said he’s been clean for 6 yrs, and I just assumed he’d been out a while, but it’s only been a month. He is as he says still on a leash due to the PO n ankle monitor.

Other then his stint in prison n drug use. He is perfect for me. Similar backgrounds growin up, military brats growin up, him going in after high school, just a lot of things in common.

I know from my best friend using that recovery is a daily thing, always being active in something to keep clean .

He says him going to meetings and being around addict s don’t work for him, he’s tried it that he just gets a buddy in there and they leave n get high. So he wants to stay away from it. Said he just wants to work n focus on getting back on his own 2 feet . He’s going back to work for the company he was with 6 years ago before prison stint.

So he was clean in prison, my fear for him is once that monitor is off, once there’s no PO check in n **** tests…..

I believe everyone deserves a second chance. He’s a great guy he’s got potential to go far in his career field. And I will back him up n be his biggest fan.

He wants a relationship, I can see me in a relationship with him, but I know a month out after 6 yrs ….. still on monitor….

How do I approach him about that big u know when it’s off, that I worry about????

Any advice is appreciated.

my biggest question….. and I’m seeing a whole lot of they don’t change.
has anyone ever seen them change? Only person I saw change was my dad. He stop drinking one day and just never picked it up again. Mom said it’s me n the girls or alcohol, take ur pick.

so do you think it could happen. ?
I don’t have my heads in the clouds…. I know right now he’s doing everything by the book, because he’s at his folks on the monitor has the PO etc. I’d love to see him change for his own sake. Not mine but I know it’s gotta be his choice, not mine. I already drew a line in the sand….. it’s up to him
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Old 08-10-2022, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by CountrygirlTex View Post
my biggest question….. and I’m seeing a whole lot of they don’t change.
has anyone ever seen them change? Only person I saw change was my dad. He stop drinking one day and just never picked it up again. Mom said it’s me n the girls or alcohol, take ur pick.

so do you think it could happen. ?
Well, it could happen. There is just no guarantee that it will. Only time will tell, and once an addict always an addict. The odds are that he will pick up another substance or behavioral addiction. Porn, sex with multiple people, gambling, over-spending, alcohol, hoarding, a variety of substances both legal and illegal - the list goes on.

I can see how you are using your father's experience and of course it could happen with this guy. I wouldn't put money on it, but I hope for his sake that he stays on the right path.

You have a choice now - before your life becomes intertwined with his. He probably "feels" comfortable and familiar since you come from an alcoholic family.
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Old 08-10-2022, 07:59 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, it could happen. There is just no guarantee that it will. Only time will tell, and once an addict always an addict. The odds are that he will pick up another substance or behavioral addiction. Porn, sex with multiple people, gambling, over-spending, alcohol, hoarding, a variety of substances both legal and illegal - the list goes on.

I can see how you are using your father's experience and of course it could happen with this guy. I wouldn't put money on it, but I hope for his sake that he stays on the right path.

You have a choice now - before your life becomes intertwined with his. He probably "feels" comfortable and familiar since you come from an alcoholic family.
I have not told him that side of my childhood. Not really spoken much about it other then riding horses n showin livestock in FFA.
but I dunno….. just gonna stay cautious n be a friend I gues
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Old 08-10-2022, 08:23 AM
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just gonna stay cautious n be a friend I gues
Sounds like a solid plan for now. I do good with simple. I know that I don't have to figure out my entire future today. This not to say that I don't formulate plans and keep one eye open for potential future red flags. However for the most part, I pretty much find that I have my hands full just figuring out today. That...and more will be revealed as the day progresses. :~)

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Old 08-10-2022, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by nez View Post
Sounds like a solid plan for now. I do good with simple. I know that I don't have to figure out my entire future today. This not to say that I don't formulate plans and keep one eye open for potential future red flags. However for the most part, I pretty much find that I have my hands full just figuring out today. That...and more will be revealed as the day progresses. :~)
thank you the ear n tips!!! I too like to have a plan or some sort of plan…. First red flag 🚩 I’m telling myself, that’s not the circus ya wanna be at and I’m gone.
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Old 08-10-2022, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by CountrygirlTex View Post
thank you the ear n tips!!! I too like to have a plan or some sort of plan…. First red flag 🚩 I’m telling myself, that’s not the circus ya wanna be at and I’m gone.
Therein lies the catch. How long until the monitor comes off? Let's say 6 months. In that six months you may form a pretty good relationship with him, may even love him and him you. Things may be going very well.

After that monitor is off, if he goes back to the drugs he was using, or some others, then what? You aren't that attached to him now. Your first response may be to try and "help" him, to get him back on track. He will no doubt support that - you are "all he has", you "believe in him".

It gets complicated, which is why many people advise that the addict not make any big life decisions in the first year of sobriety (including entering relationships). It's a volatile time.

Sure he can change and he may be sober for the rest of his life, but he hasn't tried this yet under any kind of normal circumstances.

You might ask him if he ever has some thoughts of having at least one more big blow out before quitting for good, once the monitor is off. Not to say he will, he might think of it but not do it, but probably not a bad indicator.




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