Searing77

I'm in so much pain. I have spent the last year supporting my partner who has struggled with addiction on and off for the last decade, and 5 days ago he ended it with me as he said he is no longer attracted to me. In that year I fed him, soothed him, forgave him, loved him, supported him, housed him etc. But something extremely traumatic happened a few months ago and I had to ban him from my home. He was intensely apologetic and traumatised himself and vowed to get better (typical addict I know). Since then he has moved away from the area and we have only been able to see each other a handful of times. He has managed to hold down a job for the last 2 months, and says he is clean and sober, but I do have suspicions he is using crack on occasions. In my mind, the weight of what happened (we didn't even get to discuss it as I wanted him to be settled and secure first) and the distance eroded his feelings / attraction to me, but I don't think he can see that and just takes it at face value. I want so much to work it out with him. For all his faults, he is the first person to ever make me feel so seen and understood and loved, he was also there for me and supported me while I had to deal with some traumatic family issues at the same time. Is he going to realise what he's losing in me? He used to say I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that I was so good for him.

I know this is for the best, and I kept telling myself to just let it happen as it had to at some point and it would always hurt. But I am just aching for him, I miss him unbearably. He had said he still loves me as a friend but he became very cold with me after this as he cannot deal with emotions and refused to meet or talk on the phone. Said we could talk in a couple of months time. So I have not contacted him since we had that conversation, as he didn't even respond when I wished him well and hoped we would speak about things at some stage. Why would he just shut me down like that? Why if he still loved me (he only said he loved me and missed me a few days before this) would he not want to end things kindly when I have not tried to make it difficult for him at all.

I'm so hurt. I desperately want him to change his mind, to miss me and to contact me. Even though I know this won't happen. He can be very detached and has told me before he moves on quickly (he also says a lot of things to mask how he really feels). He used to love me so much and couldn't get enough of me, why can't he remember this? He is a very good looking guy and I know he will move on with ease, but this is causing me so much more pain. I know there is no advice that can be given here, I know I have to let him go. I'm just struggling unbelievably to do so.

I have just looked at joining coda groups and read they operate on the 12 steps programme. This just made me want to reach out and talk to him about this as he was going to his own meetings too.

I'm just in so much pain, so heartbroken. He was my best friend for the last year and I miss him so much.