Please Help, I’m struggling
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Please Help, I’m struggling
I started dating a guy in early Jan 2021. I’m 25 and he’s 31. We fell completely in love with each other and he was head over heels with me. He was super charming, handsome, well mannered, unbelievably romantic, caring, soft, gently and very wealthy. I felt like the happiest and the luckiest girl alive to find a guy that not only has all these qualities but was also in love with me. I felt like he was my soul mate and loved him more than anyone. We had plans to get engaged and married and he even introduced me to his friends and family. I even told my friends at the start that I felt that things were too good to be true because I was soo darn happy and lucky to find someone like that.
Past forward 7 months later, our city went into lockdown. My ex was working in construction and the lockdown rules in our city meant that all construction work had to stop too. That’s when he started drifting, pushing me away, ignoring my calls for a whole week and disappearing to god knows where. When I kept texting and pushing for an answer, he kept telling me that it’s nothing to do with me. He said he was feeling very depressed, anxious, lost and out of control but he refused to tell me the reason. I couldn’t understand what was happening and how someone could literally become depressed and switch over night. He very obsessed with me and all of a sudden he is pushing me away. Until I heard from his work partner (who is my cousin) that my boyfriend is on drugs and very often used to go missing from work too. My cousin told me that he previously confronted my boyfriends parents about the drugs and his parents were in complete denial.
At first I didn’t believe what my cousin said as my boyfriend looked and sounded nothing like an addict until I started putting the pieces together and it all made sense. Now god knows what substance he is on but all the signs show that he’s a drug addict. However, I never confronted my ex about the drugs at the start because I was scared to loose him and didn’t know how he would react. But when I did confront him later on, he outright denied it.
For another 5 months, I stayed by his side and told him that I will always be there for him no matter how things are. I loved him too damn much and wanted to help him. But things were never the same anymore. He would only message once or twice a week, never called me anymore, he would make up silly excuses not to speak over the phone or meet up. He would only message me when he’s horny. He became so cold hearted and as if all the love he had for me was gone just like that.
Coming up to early November, few days before my birthday, he asked to see me. I was so happy and excited that he finally wanted to see me and felt a huge relief thinking that things are finally going to go back to normal. That night was so amazing, we slept together and I lost my virginity to him. My heart completely took over as I loved him so much and never felt this attraction towards anyone.
Fast forward to my birthday, I heard nothing from him. He ignored me completely, didn’t answer my calls or texts and heard nothing from him. However, he was posting stories on Instagram and liking other girls pictures. We had each other on Instagram and he knows I can see his stories and he still couldn’t care less as if he did nothing wrong.
I was in complete shock, about to have a nervous breakdown. How could someone who was obsessed and serious about me, do that to me. Sleeping with me few days before my birthday (with him full knowing I was a virgin) and then ghosting my on the Birthday. That’s so heartless and couldn’t understand why someone would do that to me when I didn’t nothing to hurt him. I felt used, betrayed, cheap and stupid. I gave my heart and body to someone who I thought was my whole world and he threw me away like a piece of rotten meat.
I kept texting asking him what’s wrong and why he would do that to me. He responded a week later saying that he’s not feeling well and feeling very very depressed. I asked him if he wanted to break up with me to give him space to deal with things and he said no, I want you by my side. Me being very naive and in love, I believed him and decided to give him another chance. Deep down I knew it was the drugs but I didn’t understand the severity of the situation because I was never surrounded by anyone that does drugs so I knew nothing about what drugs can do to someone’s brain and actions.
Now because I was very worried about his health, I called his mother and told her that her son told me that’s he’s not feeling well and I think he is taking drugs. She out right refused and shut my down but said she will keep an eye on him.
But even after I told his mother and him telling me he doesn’t want to break up, things never changed. He kept pushing me away and acting dry. He would only initiate conversations with me when he’s horny and that’s it. Until one day we had a little fight. I wanted to see him and he kept making excuses over few weeks that he’s busy. I didn’t understand how he didn’t want to break up with me and didn’t want to see me at the same time. His actions didn’t match his words. After that fight, things got awkward so I messaged him asking if we can talk over the phone to work things out. He asked if the conversation was about something bad and I said “ Ofcourse not, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page that’s all” . He said he wasn’t feeling well and would call me back when he feels better.
He never called me back since that day. I’m not sure what he thought I was going to tell him. All I wanted was to work things out after the little fight as all normal couples do. I waited and waited for the call and received nothing. I was in complete shock on how someone you dated a whole year would ghost you just like that without any explanation. The last contact we had was in early January 2022.
Fast forward 5 months, he uploaded a story on Instagram that he’s engaged to someone I’ve never seen or heard of before. I’m struggling to understand and my mental health is so bad I’m struggling to live as I feel worthless and ugly.
How could his feelings about me just change so quickly? How could someone fall out of love with you over night? Did he really love me in the first place? How could he hurt me like that when I did nothing to hurt him and tried to help him. Does he feel bad about what he did? His lack of care is hurting me so much. Did he really forget me? How could he move on so quickly when I was his whole word only few months before?
I’m struggling to move on with my life. I feel used and like my heart has been ripped from my body. I can’t feel anything anymore. He’s been telling his friends that he’s doing better and amazing without me and has now met the love of his life. Most importantly, I feel so angry that I’m struggling to even breath when he’s living his best life and engaged to someone else only few months after our breakup. Why is he sober now and didn’t he get sober with me? Am I not good enough for him to change? I feel like a stair step that he needed to step on to get sober. It hurts that I had to feel all the pain and damage for someone else to get the old amazing him. It’s not fair
On a separate note, he stills follows me on Instagram and Facebook. I haven’t had the courage or heart to do it either. Isn’t it weird that he’s engaged to the love of his life and still follows me (being his ex from only four to five months ago)? I’m assuming the new girl has no clue about me. But if he truly loved and cared about her, wouldn’t he have blocked me?
Sorry for the long post, but I’m literally in tears and shaking from the pain and shock.
Past forward 7 months later, our city went into lockdown. My ex was working in construction and the lockdown rules in our city meant that all construction work had to stop too. That’s when he started drifting, pushing me away, ignoring my calls for a whole week and disappearing to god knows where. When I kept texting and pushing for an answer, he kept telling me that it’s nothing to do with me. He said he was feeling very depressed, anxious, lost and out of control but he refused to tell me the reason. I couldn’t understand what was happening and how someone could literally become depressed and switch over night. He very obsessed with me and all of a sudden he is pushing me away. Until I heard from his work partner (who is my cousin) that my boyfriend is on drugs and very often used to go missing from work too. My cousin told me that he previously confronted my boyfriends parents about the drugs and his parents were in complete denial.
At first I didn’t believe what my cousin said as my boyfriend looked and sounded nothing like an addict until I started putting the pieces together and it all made sense. Now god knows what substance he is on but all the signs show that he’s a drug addict. However, I never confronted my ex about the drugs at the start because I was scared to loose him and didn’t know how he would react. But when I did confront him later on, he outright denied it.
For another 5 months, I stayed by his side and told him that I will always be there for him no matter how things are. I loved him too damn much and wanted to help him. But things were never the same anymore. He would only message once or twice a week, never called me anymore, he would make up silly excuses not to speak over the phone or meet up. He would only message me when he’s horny. He became so cold hearted and as if all the love he had for me was gone just like that.
Coming up to early November, few days before my birthday, he asked to see me. I was so happy and excited that he finally wanted to see me and felt a huge relief thinking that things are finally going to go back to normal. That night was so amazing, we slept together and I lost my virginity to him. My heart completely took over as I loved him so much and never felt this attraction towards anyone.
Fast forward to my birthday, I heard nothing from him. He ignored me completely, didn’t answer my calls or texts and heard nothing from him. However, he was posting stories on Instagram and liking other girls pictures. We had each other on Instagram and he knows I can see his stories and he still couldn’t care less as if he did nothing wrong.
I was in complete shock, about to have a nervous breakdown. How could someone who was obsessed and serious about me, do that to me. Sleeping with me few days before my birthday (with him full knowing I was a virgin) and then ghosting my on the Birthday. That’s so heartless and couldn’t understand why someone would do that to me when I didn’t nothing to hurt him. I felt used, betrayed, cheap and stupid. I gave my heart and body to someone who I thought was my whole world and he threw me away like a piece of rotten meat.
I kept texting asking him what’s wrong and why he would do that to me. He responded a week later saying that he’s not feeling well and feeling very very depressed. I asked him if he wanted to break up with me to give him space to deal with things and he said no, I want you by my side. Me being very naive and in love, I believed him and decided to give him another chance. Deep down I knew it was the drugs but I didn’t understand the severity of the situation because I was never surrounded by anyone that does drugs so I knew nothing about what drugs can do to someone’s brain and actions.
Now because I was very worried about his health, I called his mother and told her that her son told me that’s he’s not feeling well and I think he is taking drugs. She out right refused and shut my down but said she will keep an eye on him.
But even after I told his mother and him telling me he doesn’t want to break up, things never changed. He kept pushing me away and acting dry. He would only initiate conversations with me when he’s horny and that’s it. Until one day we had a little fight. I wanted to see him and he kept making excuses over few weeks that he’s busy. I didn’t understand how he didn’t want to break up with me and didn’t want to see me at the same time. His actions didn’t match his words. After that fight, things got awkward so I messaged him asking if we can talk over the phone to work things out. He asked if the conversation was about something bad and I said “ Ofcourse not, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page that’s all” . He said he wasn’t feeling well and would call me back when he feels better.
He never called me back since that day. I’m not sure what he thought I was going to tell him. All I wanted was to work things out after the little fight as all normal couples do. I waited and waited for the call and received nothing. I was in complete shock on how someone you dated a whole year would ghost you just like that without any explanation. The last contact we had was in early January 2022.
Fast forward 5 months, he uploaded a story on Instagram that he’s engaged to someone I’ve never seen or heard of before. I’m struggling to understand and my mental health is so bad I’m struggling to live as I feel worthless and ugly.
How could his feelings about me just change so quickly? How could someone fall out of love with you over night? Did he really love me in the first place? How could he hurt me like that when I did nothing to hurt him and tried to help him. Does he feel bad about what he did? His lack of care is hurting me so much. Did he really forget me? How could he move on so quickly when I was his whole word only few months before?
I’m struggling to move on with my life. I feel used and like my heart has been ripped from my body. I can’t feel anything anymore. He’s been telling his friends that he’s doing better and amazing without me and has now met the love of his life. Most importantly, I feel so angry that I’m struggling to even breath when he’s living his best life and engaged to someone else only few months after our breakup. Why is he sober now and didn’t he get sober with me? Am I not good enough for him to change? I feel like a stair step that he needed to step on to get sober. It hurts that I had to feel all the pain and damage for someone else to get the old amazing him. It’s not fair
On a separate note, he stills follows me on Instagram and Facebook. I haven’t had the courage or heart to do it either. Isn’t it weird that he’s engaged to the love of his life and still follows me (being his ex from only four to five months ago)? I’m assuming the new girl has no clue about me. But if he truly loved and cared about her, wouldn’t he have blocked me?
Sorry for the long post, but I’m literally in tears and shaking from the pain and shock.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lavender...
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've come to a really good place and my hope is you'll take advantage of what the board has to offer.
I think it's critical that you understand that his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. What you describe above has happened a billion times before: girl meets guy, guy sweeps girl off her feet, everything's great, they're going to get married...and then it all goes sideways and the girl is left wondering what the heck happened and is in pain.
Someone in active addiction -- or abstaining but not in recovery -- is inherently unable to be a responsible partner in a romantic relationship. Once they have be accountable to their partner, or once the chemical rush of falling in love has faded, they're looking for the closest exit. And that's how you have to look at him. If you try to view his behavior through a rational lens, it doesn't make sense. If you view his behavior through the prism of addiction, it makes all the sense in the world.
Of course, knowing this isn't going to make you feel any better. That will take time, and at times that pain is going to be unbearable. At the same time, however, you've dodged a bullet. Imagine for a moment that you two got married and he pulled this stuff.
In my experience, the path to healing from this starts with accepting that we're not responsible for anyone else's behavior. Addicts do what they do because that's who they are. All we are to them is an interchangeable variable. How you decide to move on from this is entirely up to you. You're still very young. Your story is nowhere close to being complete. What you have, believe it or not, is an opportunity to heal and to learn from this. What do you want to do with it?
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've come to a really good place and my hope is you'll take advantage of what the board has to offer.
I think it's critical that you understand that his behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. What you describe above has happened a billion times before: girl meets guy, guy sweeps girl off her feet, everything's great, they're going to get married...and then it all goes sideways and the girl is left wondering what the heck happened and is in pain.
Someone in active addiction -- or abstaining but not in recovery -- is inherently unable to be a responsible partner in a romantic relationship. Once they have be accountable to their partner, or once the chemical rush of falling in love has faded, they're looking for the closest exit. And that's how you have to look at him. If you try to view his behavior through a rational lens, it doesn't make sense. If you view his behavior through the prism of addiction, it makes all the sense in the world.
Of course, knowing this isn't going to make you feel any better. That will take time, and at times that pain is going to be unbearable. At the same time, however, you've dodged a bullet. Imagine for a moment that you two got married and he pulled this stuff.
In my experience, the path to healing from this starts with accepting that we're not responsible for anyone else's behavior. Addicts do what they do because that's who they are. All we are to them is an interchangeable variable. How you decide to move on from this is entirely up to you. You're still very young. Your story is nowhere close to being complete. What you have, believe it or not, is an opportunity to heal and to learn from this. What do you want to do with it?
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Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 8
Zoso77
Thank your so much. Your comment definitely helped me a lot. I’m just hurt that he’s engaged 5 months after our breakup, doing well and living his best life while I’m here sitting here trying to pick my self up. It hurts that he changed for her and not for me 😞 why couldn’t he get sober with me 😞😞
Thank your so much. Your comment definitely helped me a lot. I’m just hurt that he’s engaged 5 months after our breakup, doing well and living his best life while I’m here sitting here trying to pick my self up. It hurts that he changed for her and not for me 😞 why couldn’t he get sober with me 😞😞
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lavender...
It's going to hurt for a while. I wish I could tell you otherwise.
At the same time, when I look back at when my AXGF and I broke up in early 2012, I made a series of decisions two days later that would form the foundation of where I am today. I guess the simple way to put it is when that breakup happened, she didn't hide what she was anymore, and because of that, I was able to look at her objectively and be done with her and the nonsense that came with being with her. I haven't looked back, and where I am now is not something I dared to imagine in early 2012.
Everyone is different. The rate that you heal is unique to you. But what you can decide today is that you're going to get through this. And the way you do that is to take care of yourself. Eat well. Hydrate. Read. Go somewhere where you've never been. Check out a band you've wanted to for a while but never have. Most importantly, don't do anything that'll undercut your path to healing. Some days, you're not going to feel like doing any of this. But at some point in the future, you're going to realize that what you're feeling now doesn't last forever.
It's going to hurt for a while. I wish I could tell you otherwise.
At the same time, when I look back at when my AXGF and I broke up in early 2012, I made a series of decisions two days later that would form the foundation of where I am today. I guess the simple way to put it is when that breakup happened, she didn't hide what she was anymore, and because of that, I was able to look at her objectively and be done with her and the nonsense that came with being with her. I haven't looked back, and where I am now is not something I dared to imagine in early 2012.
Everyone is different. The rate that you heal is unique to you. But what you can decide today is that you're going to get through this. And the way you do that is to take care of yourself. Eat well. Hydrate. Read. Go somewhere where you've never been. Check out a band you've wanted to for a while but never have. Most importantly, don't do anything that'll undercut your path to healing. Some days, you're not going to feel like doing any of this. But at some point in the future, you're going to realize that what you're feeling now doesn't last forever.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lavender.......you are looking at the image that he presents of instagram and facebook. So much of what is posted on social media is fantasy---false---fake.
People post what makes hem look good---not the true reality and scope of what their lives really are.
You ae looking at his carefully edited outsides from your own insides.
No doubt he is going through his same "chemical rush" of a new attraction, in the same way he did with you. The rose colored glasses phase----the hormonal rush---is similar to a drug induced high. Everything looks and feels great....for a while.
He sounds like someone who is sill using.....and recovery takes months to years to bring about any solid changes...
The new romance has about as much chance of lasting as an ice cube in the Saharah Desert.
He did not "get sober for you"...because it was never about you---it is about what is inside him----and you have zero control over that.
It is not about her, now, either.
I predict that, in the near future, he will be ghosting her, also.-----and, then, looking for his next elationship "high".
People post what makes hem look good---not the true reality and scope of what their lives really are.
You ae looking at his carefully edited outsides from your own insides.
No doubt he is going through his same "chemical rush" of a new attraction, in the same way he did with you. The rose colored glasses phase----the hormonal rush---is similar to a drug induced high. Everything looks and feels great....for a while.
He sounds like someone who is sill using.....and recovery takes months to years to bring about any solid changes...
The new romance has about as much chance of lasting as an ice cube in the Saharah Desert.
He did not "get sober for you"...because it was never about you---it is about what is inside him----and you have zero control over that.
It is not about her, now, either.
I predict that, in the near future, he will be ghosting her, also.-----and, then, looking for his next elationship "high".
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Why, of all the narratives that could be constructed from what you have seen on social media, do you choose to invest in the one where he is perfect and good and fixed and you just weren't worth it?
You don't know that he's "living his best life". You don't know that he got sober for someone else. You're fantasizing that you weren't good enough for him to get better for, when you don't even know that he's actually better. Not to mention that the idea that anyone gets sober for someone else is an illusion. People get better when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same, not because they're trying to impress a new potential partner. Engagements don't heal people. Your ex is, in fact, a MESS.
You, on the other hand, are here. Sharing your story and letting people in. Doing the work to actually build a healthier life. You are the one making actual strides towards your best life, and you will get there.
You don't know that he's "living his best life". You don't know that he got sober for someone else. You're fantasizing that you weren't good enough for him to get better for, when you don't even know that he's actually better. Not to mention that the idea that anyone gets sober for someone else is an illusion. People get better when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same, not because they're trying to impress a new potential partner. Engagements don't heal people. Your ex is, in fact, a MESS.
You, on the other hand, are here. Sharing your story and letting people in. Doing the work to actually build a healthier life. You are the one making actual strides towards your best life, and you will get there.
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Thank you so much guys. Your comments definitely make me feel better. It’s crazy how your mind can play tricks on you.
It’s just hard to avoid the fact that he actually has another chance at not ruining this new relationship. What if he really does change this time and she gets to enjoy all the good side of him. It’s like all the pain and suffering I went through is just so she can get to enjoy all the amazing moments from him handed to her on a gold platter. I mean dating her is one thing but being engaged to her is another
It’s just hard to avoid the fact that he actually has another chance at not ruining this new relationship. What if he really does change this time and she gets to enjoy all the good side of him. It’s like all the pain and suffering I went through is just so she can get to enjoy all the amazing moments from him handed to her on a gold platter. I mean dating her is one thing but being engaged to her is another
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, it's often asked, "What does an addict take on a first date?"
"A moving van."
People who are dysfunctional tend to jump into relationships thinking the new person is perfect, that the new relationship will save or fix themselves, will fill that bottomless hole they have.
None of it is true. He may have gotten engaged as a way of trapping this woman, or maybe she's an addict too.
I would block him and stop looking at his personal facebook stuff. Facebook is evil, no good comes from stalking an ex.
ask me how i know...
"A moving van."
People who are dysfunctional tend to jump into relationships thinking the new person is perfect, that the new relationship will save or fix themselves, will fill that bottomless hole they have.
None of it is true. He may have gotten engaged as a way of trapping this woman, or maybe she's an addict too.
I would block him and stop looking at his personal facebook stuff. Facebook is evil, no good comes from stalking an ex.
ask me how i know...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lavender.......please read SparkleKitty's post over and over, again. That is the reality of how alcoholics tend to operate.
Your fears are really fantasy based. I have never, ever, seen an alcoholic jump fro one partner to another and---suddenly---they are qwimming in milk and honey. It just does not work that way.
The new person is just a distraction from the intensive, hard work that it takes to be in genuine recovery----and, it sure doesn't happen overnight. It takes several months to years to make substantive changes.
Also, consider the fact that "pain and suffering" (yours)., does not accrue any bonus points for anyone. There aren't any stars in a person's crown for that. Sorry to say.
Your fears are really fantasy based. I have never, ever, seen an alcoholic jump fro one partner to another and---suddenly---they are qwimming in milk and honey. It just does not work that way.
The new person is just a distraction from the intensive, hard work that it takes to be in genuine recovery----and, it sure doesn't happen overnight. It takes several months to years to make substantive changes.
Also, consider the fact that "pain and suffering" (yours)., does not accrue any bonus points for anyone. There aren't any stars in a person's crown for that. Sorry to say.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Lavender3250 
It’s just hard to avoid the fact that he actually has another chance at not ruining this new relationship. What if he really does change this time and she gets to enjoy all the good side of him. It’s like all the pain and suffering I went through is just so she can get to enjoy all the amazing moments from him handed to her on a gold platter. I mean dating her is one thing but being engaged to her is another
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 8
I just wonder how he can forget me so easily. It’s like I never existed. He just flipped the page and off to the next girl only a short time after as if we never happened. Doesn’t he care about me at all? Not even a little bit? He used to tell me I was his world. How can his feeling change so quickly when he was so maddly in love with me. Will he ever regret it or think about me? 😞
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Lavender3250
I just wonder how he can forget me so easily. It’s like I never existed. He just flipped the page and off to the next girl only a short time after as if we never happened. Doesn’t he care about me at all? Not even a little bit? He used to tell me I was his world. How can his feeling change so quickly when he was so maddly in love with me. Will he ever regret it or think about me? 😞
Someone in active addiction -- or abstaining but not in recovery -- cannot sustain the necessary commitment to make a romantic relationship work. What you're getting hung up on is how he was in the beginning of it. But that's not an accurate picture of who he is. That revealed itself as time went on. And there's something else you need to remember: being "madly in love" with someone is not the same thing as being in a committed, sustainable long term relationship where both parties are responsible to each other. The former is a fleeting chemical rush. The latter is what you really want, and no matter what you may see on social media regarding the new girl and no matter how you want him to be at this moment, he's not and will never be your guy.
This is going to take some time to absorb, and it's not going to be pleasant. But at the end of the day, it's worth remembering that you deserve a lot better than him.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
I wish I could take away this pain from every single person going through the pain you are experiencing. It's simply not fair. But you are in league with the many other posters on here, including myself. You can't see this now, but you are one of the lucky ones that you didn't waste years. I spent over 7 years taking BS from a lying, cheating, thieving addict. He hit such a rock bottom, went to jail, diagnosed with late stage heart failure due to speed...and still kept digging! I don't know what his bottom is besides death. I don't know if the guy is a psychopath (cluster B PD) or what, but from now on as soon as I find out someone is an active addict or alcoholic, I will automatically assume they are. He left me for someone who doesn't even have all of her teeth! LMFAO! I found letters to her that says he's in love with her, and it was the best sex! LOL! I'm a 10 compared to this woman! He hasn't come back, because he knows darn well the the doors closed on this bus! For all of my years of grief, all I could do in the end is feel numb, and alienated, and laugh like a crazy person at the end of their rope. I lost so much I will never get back, most precious of all my time. Imagine the people who spend years on end, in a marriage, with kids, and assets. It should be illegal for this kind of abuse toward good people to happen. Be thankful to God if you have a belief, or just be so grateful you got away from him. If he doesn't get to recovery, he will get worse, so much worse, you really have no clue. You do not want any part of having to care take for someone who is going to essentially become mentally and physically handicap, who caused it themselves, and has nothing to give to you in return for your sacrifice. It's like paying all of your neighbors bills for years on end. Whomever this new woman is, she won the battle, but I promise, she's going to lose the war. And you must ensure this NEVER happens to you again. This website is a treasure, it has helped me tremendously. I binge on it, like a Netflix series.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Dear Lavender3250,
I am in a bit of a rush on my way to the gym but I felt I needed to send a message!! I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years, we lived together 2,5 years. We built a life together, had a dog etc. The minute I got close to the truth about his alcoholism and cocaine addiction and I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship like this he turned a 180 and cut me off like garbage. It was the most devastating experience and the pain was unreal. It is unfair, it’s cruel, it’s horrible, it’s insanity - but unfortunately how addiction often works. I am 2,5 months no contact and it’s already so so so much better for me. Hang in there, do things that make you happy. You will start feeling better if you believe in yourself, your own healing power. Let this make you better, let this make you stronger. And vent as much as is necessary!! Sending love and light
I am in a bit of a rush on my way to the gym but I felt I needed to send a message!! I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years, we lived together 2,5 years. We built a life together, had a dog etc. The minute I got close to the truth about his alcoholism and cocaine addiction and I told him I couldn’t be in a relationship like this he turned a 180 and cut me off like garbage. It was the most devastating experience and the pain was unreal. It is unfair, it’s cruel, it’s horrible, it’s insanity - but unfortunately how addiction often works. I am 2,5 months no contact and it’s already so so so much better for me. Hang in there, do things that make you happy. You will start feeling better if you believe in yourself, your own healing power. Let this make you better, let this make you stronger. And vent as much as is necessary!! Sending love and light
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 20
Another thing I wanted to say, my ex is a super good looking guy too, was charming and charismatic, caring, and not your stereotypical image. Not wealthy, but sleepy suburban middle class. His mother on severer denial, but I woke her up. She STILL enables, because she’s older now and that’s all she knows. She doesn’t want to get educated. On some level I think she doesn’t care as much as she acts like she does. If your ex is from a wealthy family, they don’t want their image tarnished. These men are spoiled. Mine is 43 years old. Can you imagine? I wish I was 25 again, you’re so damn lucky. Embrace life, get away from this death cult of addiction. Stay away from cluster B people.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 8
What’s driving me nuts is that he’s going around telling everyone how crazy I was and that I never trusted him. Yes admit I snapped at him few times but only because I was fed up from the manipulation. He was doing everything he can to hide his addiction and absolutely denied taking any substance. Even his mum and brother who live with him in the same house as him didn't believe me. They both think that’s it’s just a phase and that he’s much better now and has no problem. What I think happened is that he knew I snitched him in to his mother and brother and started manipulating them to think that there’s nothing wrong with him so they don’t get in the way of the drugs like I did. It’s driving me insane that no one believed me. Why am I the only person that thinks he has a problem? I mean isnt disappearing for weeks and going on benders during the lockdown enough to conclude that he has an addiction problem? Isn’t the fact that he’s going on benders at the age of 32 means that this is something that he’s been doing for a long time and nothing new? Will the new girl pick up on this? I mean the new girl is only 21 - 11 years younger than him. I’m starting to think I’m crazy because no one believes me and he looks and acts pretty normal 😞
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Lavender,
You are NOT crazy. Please do not start thinking that. No matter what anyone tries to tell you. I shared the same experience, my ex would pee the bed because he got so drunk over and over again. He would blackout and not remember anything. When I told his family that I think he has an alcohol problem they told me I was uptight and no fun and didn't understand or it was a cultural difference. he started using cocaine to stop the bedwetting so he could drink more and more. And again from his environment all his friends told me I was no fun by making an issue of this. They told me I was the problem. You need to stick to your guns in this, you know what is happening is not normal and whether or not they see it is on them. Whether or not the new girl will pick up on it is on her, she might - she might not... Someone with addiction problems in active addiction is incapable of loving you the way you deserve and once you notice it unfortunately its either accepting it or moving on. They won't get sober because you think they have a problem, or because I think they have a problem.
Also one other thing that I do believe is that of course his mom will not believe it, how can she? That would mean she needs to admit to a whole lot of pain which she probably isn't capable of doing right now.. they are living in complete denial because honoring the truth would mean a whole lot of work for all of them and they are just not ready for it.
Tell yourself in front of the mirror out loud: I AM NOT CRAZY.
You sound like a sensible person to me so please don't go down that path of insanity by believing them. Turn your car around and drive back to sensible land!!! its quite nice over here haha
.
You are NOT crazy. Please do not start thinking that. No matter what anyone tries to tell you. I shared the same experience, my ex would pee the bed because he got so drunk over and over again. He would blackout and not remember anything. When I told his family that I think he has an alcohol problem they told me I was uptight and no fun and didn't understand or it was a cultural difference. he started using cocaine to stop the bedwetting so he could drink more and more. And again from his environment all his friends told me I was no fun by making an issue of this. They told me I was the problem. You need to stick to your guns in this, you know what is happening is not normal and whether or not they see it is on them. Whether or not the new girl will pick up on it is on her, she might - she might not... Someone with addiction problems in active addiction is incapable of loving you the way you deserve and once you notice it unfortunately its either accepting it or moving on. They won't get sober because you think they have a problem, or because I think they have a problem.
Also one other thing that I do believe is that of course his mom will not believe it, how can she? That would mean she needs to admit to a whole lot of pain which she probably isn't capable of doing right now.. they are living in complete denial because honoring the truth would mean a whole lot of work for all of them and they are just not ready for it.
Tell yourself in front of the mirror out loud: I AM NOT CRAZY.
You sound like a sensible person to me so please don't go down that path of insanity by believing them. Turn your car around and drive back to sensible land!!! its quite nice over here haha
.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Also if it makes you feel any better let me shed some light on my EX. He is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, so friendly and extraverted. When we broke up there isn't a person who didn't say oh what a shame you guys were a beautiful couple. I WANTED TO SCREAM - literally every single time someone said this.
So He binge drank his way through university, has 2 masters degrees and runs his own company. He is high functioning to a lot of people, goes to the gym on days he's not drinking, spends a lot of time on his looks. It's an image he is trying to sell. He is so wealthy that spending 1000+ a month on alcohol and cocaine is pocket change for him. He could probably continue with this lifestyle until he dies. His entire family suffers from addiction (porn, alcohol, gambling), all his friends are like that. His entire environment is built around manipulation, disrespect, lies, denial, etc.
There are PLENTY of healthy, wonderful, good looking men out there in the world who would never dream of hurting you the way he has hurt you. They wouldn't dare to. I promise once you start implementing strong boundaries and saying NO to abuse your life will change for the better. The in-between is hard, you will look back and want him back at times but the only way to break an unhealthy bond is to say no and to stick to your guns. There is an alanon analogy I believe that talks about "rope pulling", its like you are pulling on one end and your ex and his environment on the other, you need to drop the rope. You need to run away from everything that is unhealthy for you and grab hold of all good things in your life.
I was on my knees in that in-between phase, you need to have faith, you need to endure this. Sit with this pain, cry, walk, take good care of yourself. You will survive this. And you will be better for it. Built that path made up of your dreams, your desires, your happiness and walk slowly. - one step at a time.
sending so much love to you!!!! You are not alone. if it helps at all imagine us all walking beside you because that is what we do at this forum.
So He binge drank his way through university, has 2 masters degrees and runs his own company. He is high functioning to a lot of people, goes to the gym on days he's not drinking, spends a lot of time on his looks. It's an image he is trying to sell. He is so wealthy that spending 1000+ a month on alcohol and cocaine is pocket change for him. He could probably continue with this lifestyle until he dies. His entire family suffers from addiction (porn, alcohol, gambling), all his friends are like that. His entire environment is built around manipulation, disrespect, lies, denial, etc.
There are PLENTY of healthy, wonderful, good looking men out there in the world who would never dream of hurting you the way he has hurt you. They wouldn't dare to. I promise once you start implementing strong boundaries and saying NO to abuse your life will change for the better. The in-between is hard, you will look back and want him back at times but the only way to break an unhealthy bond is to say no and to stick to your guns. There is an alanon analogy I believe that talks about "rope pulling", its like you are pulling on one end and your ex and his environment on the other, you need to drop the rope. You need to run away from everything that is unhealthy for you and grab hold of all good things in your life.
I was on my knees in that in-between phase, you need to have faith, you need to endure this. Sit with this pain, cry, walk, take good care of yourself. You will survive this. And you will be better for it. Built that path made up of your dreams, your desires, your happiness and walk slowly. - one step at a time.
sending so much love to you!!!! You are not alone. if it helps at all imagine us all walking beside you because that is what we do at this forum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 8
You’re absolutely right but deep down I really want the new girl to experience the same thing I did just to prove to my self that I’m not the crazy one. I know it’s wrong but it’s just that I want to prove my self right so everyone would know the truth that I’m not the crazy one 😞
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
Lavender, its not wrong to feel those things. You have been gaslighted and you want prove that you're not crazy as well as to prove you're not crazy. I think that's a normal response. It's normal to feel rage, anger, fear, betrayal and the need to prove you're not crazy. It might even make you want to act in ways that make you look crazy. It's because you were exposed to very very toxic and unhealthy behaviour. Try to remain in your strength, one day at a time. In your healing process as time passes you'll probably find that you won't care about your need to prove anything to anyone. That's how it was for me. Believe in yourself. The only path you should be focusing on is yours, no matter how hard or painful that is right now. I believe you, and I can relate to all the things you are saying. You're oke and all your feelings and thoughts are valid.
one of my greatest lessons is that it really isn't the drinking/drugging that does the greatest harm it is the constant denial of reality, the thing that makes you feel like you are crazy that does the most damage. If that is the case for you as well my only advice is to stay far FAR away from anything that has to do with that environment because you cannot and will not ever ever EVER receive validation or have your needs met from people that are actively in this disease or enabling it.
one of my greatest lessons is that it really isn't the drinking/drugging that does the greatest harm it is the constant denial of reality, the thing that makes you feel like you are crazy that does the most damage. If that is the case for you as well my only advice is to stay far FAR away from anything that has to do with that environment because you cannot and will not ever ever EVER receive validation or have your needs met from people that are actively in this disease or enabling it.
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