dandylion

Lavender.......Leopol is right---especially, the last sentence of her last post (before this one).
When she says that "you will never, ever EVER recieve validation or have your needs met from people like these......They are all in denial for their various reasons and it would be too hard for them to face the reality of the situation----just as Leopol h as said.
If you presented yourself like Mother Theresa and had birds nesting in your hair---and were backed by a chorus of angels----they still won' acknowledge the truth of his behavior and remove the "black hat" from your head.

Botton line---the best thing for you, I believe, is for you o get far far away from him and these people......and learn all you can from this experience, so tha you wil never, again bring these kind of people into your intimate circle.

The new girl will end up hurting, also----inevitably----so, just wait, and you will get your wish. It may not make you feel as good as you think it will, right now. What will haoen is that , when it all goes down----she will be treated just like you---she will be awarded the "black hat" and they will announce that she is "krazy" And, so the pattern continues into the future.

My suggestion----get as far away as you can and let yourself heal......

Leopol

Lavender, just checking in, how are you doing?

Lavender3250

I’ve been okay. Taking it day by day. I’m trying to forget but the heart break is really bad I just want to sleep all the time and never wake up. I just can’t stand the thought of them being together and him treating her like a Queen like he did with me at the start. I know this won’t last long but my mind keeps playing tricks on me. What if he really stays sober this time and lives happily ever after with her? I feel like I went through all the pain and did all the hard work for her to get him on a gold platter 😞 it’s not fair that she gets the sober version of him. I loved him soo much

Lavender3250

Also, is it a characteristic of an addict to be super charming, romantic and lovely at the start? Because during the first stages of the relationship, it felt like a dream. Like he was toooooo nice that I even remember telling my friends that this guy is too good to be true. He was like a dream guy out of a movie

Magnolia123

I don't know that that's something specific to alcoholics/addicts.

I think most people put their best face forward in the beginning of a relationship.

Think "honeymoon stage".

Most people want to be liked/loved and being completely authentic is something that comes with the desire to be that and work on it.

There are dysfunctional people of all varieties out there.

Relationships are a real proving ground because that's where the issues and dysfunctional coping methods come to the surface.

Magnolia123

P.S. I know you are hurting. Breakups are awful and this guy is a jerk for doing things the way he did.

Addict or not, he's a jerk and sounds like a player.

Be glad you found out now and cut him off. Block him, grieve and heal.

I've been there and know how it feels but grieve and move on.

zoso77

It's been known to happen frequently, yes. Addicts appear to be so invested in anything that's new. But once that initial chemical rush wears off and they actually have to behave like a committed, responsible partner, they can't do it. And when you think about it, it makes sense. How, after all, can they have the bandwidth for a partner when they're committed to maintaining their addiction?

Like I told you a couple of weeks ago, it's going to take some time to absorb this and not personalize what he did. I've been where you are. So have others here. For me, when I look back at how my AXGF behaved, I summarize it by noting she's an addict and this is what addicts do. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't cause me any psychological stress. It happened, it ended, and I moved on. And in your own way, you'll get there as well.

trailmix

hi Lavender, I'm so sorry you got hurt in all of this.

I think what you can safely assume is that she has no clue about HIM. He managed to treat you quite well for roughly 7 months. Maybe he will achieve that with her too, if he marries her fast enough. They might even stay married for a few years, until she can't take it anymore.

So please don't think that they are living the dream, well they might be right now, but you know him, he can't maintain this.

This is him. He might be sober at the moment, or just not getting as high as he does sometimes, trying to maintain that "I'm doing good" mask for the world, but that's not the way he really is. If he really was that good guy, all that has happened wouldn't have happened. Him dropping out and getting engaged in a rush.

He's not that good guy.

When you think of him, try not to think of all the "good times", that can, strangely, be difficult in the beginning. You're hurt and you just want the "old him" back. Well that guy is well and truly gone and the guy who treated you so dismissively is him. Like:

That's him. That's the guy you are hurting over. It's so important to remember all the terrible things he has done and the way he acted. Our minds don't want to dwell on the bad things, those things fade quickly, it's up to you to remind yourself. If you consistently do that, you will notice, even in a few days or a week that your feelings might start to shift (you might even get angry!). It's not a quick fix but it will help.

Things like this:

You ponder this, but you know he switches like a light. But all of a sudden he will correct that and just be a normal great guy?

It's not you, it's him, please don't ever think it was/is you.

Tropicsun

Hi Lavender,

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your pain. I don't have any good advice for you, unfortunately, I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and have been no contact for a month, broken up for 2.5. He just came home one day and left me out of the blue. For me personally, this forum has helped a lot with understanding characteristics of an addict that I was oblivious too. It's helping me to take the blame of the end of the relationship off my shoulders. It also helps to know that others have been in my shoes. The biggest thing helping me right now is remembering that he really has nothing to give me. I am struggling immensely because he left me in limbo and I want him back so bad. But trying to think rationally.. what could he actually give you? Thinking about the things you want in a relationship.. marriage, kids, to buy a house, whatever it may be. Someone in addiction won't be able to provide stability and have staying power. I have been reminding myself I am the stable one, I have staying power. These are admirable traits that someone healthy will see in me that he never will.

I'm not sure if that's helpful. I'm really struggling but thought I'd chime in just so you know that we are in it together and I'll be praying for you.

Leopol

Hi Lavender and Tropicsun,



I feel like we are all in the same boat. For me it’s been 3 months and I am feeling so much better most of the time, some days are still difficult but accepting that this is normal and allowing space for those emotions helps me. I have no intention or want to be in contact with my ex the way he is but the fantasy idea of him in my mind I sometimes miss. I really really hate addiction. The suffering and insanity trying to wrap my head around all of this is unbearable at times but one foot in front of the other. Just keep on walking. I’m so sorry that you are going through this pain as well, praying for you and sending all love and hugs. May we become better and stronger people through this.