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Alone and feeling discarded / will rehab END my marriage?

Old 07-02-2022, 03:54 PM
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Alone and feeling discarded / will rehab END my marriage?

Hi all -

I don't even know where to begin. My wife went to rehab after a long road of lies, being fired, driving drunk with our kids, the "typical" stuff we deal with with addicts I guess. It culminated when she lost her job and got blackout drunk that we had to call an ambulance. The very next day, she drank herself unconscious again. BAC .398.

She has been in for 3 weeks and typically calls me during her therapist session. (side note I have 2 eleven year olds from a previous relationship and we have a 19 month old) . Yesterday I found out that our entire life savings may have been wiped out by a cryptocurrency platform going under. We have been dipping into this to cover our bills, not to mention the $30k (we lost insurance) for her rehab. I fully understand that she needs to be a it selfish during rehab and focus on her, I love her dearly and support her in this 100%.

I didn't know if I should tell her about it or not (she is also an attorney and i wanted to see if there was something I should be doing in the interim as it will be 3 more weeks until she returns). I defer to her thereipt on how to proceed. I send the therapist the email I received and she tells my wife. The therapy session comes and goes. No call.

I get a message from the therapist - Samantha doesn't want to call today, she wants to focus on herself and needs time to process.

This is really out of the blue. My wife and I have been very much ride or dies for each other and I consider this an emergency. I feel so alone,sad and depressed. I am holding the fort down while my wife in previous conversations (I saw her briefly Thursday when I dropped off more thing she wanted.) sounds super happy and has made all these amazing "friends".

My knee jerk reaction is that she is re-evaulating the relationship, but I don't have anything to really back that up except for my sadness that she would not call me to chat today, but did cal her parents - who also advised how great she sounds.

I am happy for her. I do see her old self returning , but I get worried as there has been massive trust issues and she cheated (with a girl) before she left. The therapist said she was doing great, not coupling up or anything and that Sam is just working on setting boundaries and figuring out what she wants. She was very loving and happy when I saw her Thursday - is it just that she doesn't think this is that big of a deal and is afraid dealing with this "headache" now will not be good for her? I can't help but be worried after reading all these stories of people leaving marriage after they have this epiphany about new life habits and needing for change.

This is so hard. I miss my wife - I feel so lonely and forgotten and now abandoned. Am I just being selfish? Am I reading into her response too much?

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Old 07-02-2022, 07:28 PM
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Hi and welcome Jason

You've found a place of great support.

It must be difficult when your partner is away - there's a lot of what ifs and worries that fill your head.
I'm sure the same applies to her.

She may be making new friends but y'know it's not a holiday camp.
It'd be hard work.

Her therapist is giving good reports tho.

She may indeed need time to process this - she may also be wondering why you went through the therapist....even tho your reasoning seems sound to me, she might be worrying about things too, just like you are.

If you trust her, I'd give her space for now?

D
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Old 07-02-2022, 10:40 PM
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Welcome, Jason, glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and feel supported here.

I relate to what you are saying, My alcoholic husband was away in hospital for some time and my body and mind missed the chaos what happened when he was at home. My anxiety was high as it was used to living that way and to be in peace and calm felt very strange to me.

It took me a while to realise I could just sit and breathe.

Perhaps use this time to relax and recover yourself. Maybe some nice walks to help quiet those racing thoughts in your mind.

We cannot control what our spouse is going to do. Try and let go of her and focus on giving yourself good care.
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Old 07-03-2022, 08:54 AM
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Jason.......I can understand how you must be having lots of feelings of uncertainty, right now. Worrying about things that you may have no control over.
Uncertainty about future unknowns is a very hard thing for us humans to deal with.
For the immediate---I agree with Dee's idea of trying to back away and give her as much space as she is askin for.
Try hard to not "future trip".
I don't think you are being selfish, at all. You are entitled to your own feelings.

My suggestion is that the very best thing you can do for yourself is to line up and engage as much support for yourself as you can. Your wife is surrounded with support for herself---and, she will have it when she leaves rehab (if she uses it).
A. sometimes, fact that gets ignored is that the non-alcoholic partner needs as much support as the alcoholic needs.

At minimum, this is what I sugges for yourself------
1. alanon or similar face to face support group
2. Your own counselor or therapist
3. Financial and legal counsel for any concerns or realities that you think you might need as the future unfolds.
4. If you haven't already done so---get a copy of the most frequently recommended book on this forum---"Co-dependent No More". I think a lot of it wll resound with you.

If alcohol is the main substance your wife is struggling with---you may consider asking that your thread be transferred over to the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" forum.
I think you may get more traffic and replies on that forum-----about alcoholism.
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Old 07-06-2022, 04:21 PM
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Jason...

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, and you have more than your fair share on your plate. Addiction and how it impacts a marriage is a tough, tough thing to deal with without injury. With that in mind, I can't in good conscience tell you how to deal with her. What I will advise you to do, however, is educate yourself as to what you're up against, and to do what is necessary to protect your children. A lot of us here have been through the wars, so it's a good idea to read as much as you can here and get an idea of what you're in for. Do as much self care as you can. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. This isn't a time for wishful thinking, or denial. You have to buckle up for a bumpy ride, and there may come a day that you'll have to make some decisions you don't want to make.

Be smart. Be steady. Lean on us whenever you need to.
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