addiction/relationship struggles
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addiction/relationship struggles
Me and my girlfriend moved in together about 3 months ago, but have been together for almost a year. We both struggle with addiction and trauma in our lives, she chose to go to rehab almost a month ago, which i’m 100% supportive of and its good to see her improving with her addictions and getting the help that she needs, Ive also been sober for a month now. In the middle of our addictions, we’ve had horrible fights, said things we both regret deeply.. and for a while things were getting better between us, we would talk when we could, call each other etc. talk about our life after treatment. About three days ago, she called me and told me that her therapist made her realize that she can’t be in a relationship or get over our past. It seems unfair that counselors can suggest that she leave her relationship, as rehabs recommend not being in a relationship for the first year. It’s been hard, because it’s such a sudden change.. there’s been no contact since. I don’t want to make this all about myself because it’s not, but the loss and pain of losing someone you love is really hard.. I wonder if anyone else has experiences of this? how do you choose to cope with the loss?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi nj, glad you found the forum but sorry for what brings you here.
First of all, rehabs (or anyone) can "suggest" someone not have a relationship for a year, but it's not a hard and fast rule. It also doesn't mean you break up your current relationship. So it's her decision.
Getting clean, for some people is really, really confusing and hard to do. How long has it been since she has even had any real sober time? She may not even know where she is at right now, in her life, mentally, she will be learning about herself.
Rehab changes things, the things you mention are posted not infrequently here.
You get through it by focusing back on yourself. By taking care of yourself, continuing with your sobriety, doing things you like to do, being with friends and family that you like.
I would recommend you read (and post of course if you want to) in the friends and family of Alcoholics forum (much busier forum) and also you can get a lot of support here for your own sobriety (congratulations on that by the way).
Friends and Family is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Newcomers to recovery can be found here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mers-recovery/
First of all, rehabs (or anyone) can "suggest" someone not have a relationship for a year, but it's not a hard and fast rule. It also doesn't mean you break up your current relationship. So it's her decision.
Getting clean, for some people is really, really confusing and hard to do. How long has it been since she has even had any real sober time? She may not even know where she is at right now, in her life, mentally, she will be learning about herself.
Rehab changes things, the things you mention are posted not infrequently here.
You get through it by focusing back on yourself. By taking care of yourself, continuing with your sobriety, doing things you like to do, being with friends and family that you like.
I would recommend you read (and post of course if you want to) in the friends and family of Alcoholics forum (much busier forum) and also you can get a lot of support here for your own sobriety (congratulations on that by the way).
Friends and Family is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Newcomers to recovery can be found here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mers-recovery/
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, NJ177, glad you found us. Sorry for the situation you are in.
As TrailMix says rehab cannot make her end your relationship. The year thing she mentioned is that people are often urged not to start a new relationship for about the first year of recovery.
You mention you are a month sober. Very well done. Are you working a program? Do you have any support or fellowship?
I encourage you to keep full focus on your own recovery and making the changes you will need to make so that your recovery can continue. Who knows maybe in the fullness of time when you both have lots of sober time and recovery under your belts, you might reconnect. For now though, perhaps work on yourself.
As TrailMix says rehab cannot make her end your relationship. The year thing she mentioned is that people are often urged not to start a new relationship for about the first year of recovery.
You mention you are a month sober. Very well done. Are you working a program? Do you have any support or fellowship?
I encourage you to keep full focus on your own recovery and making the changes you will need to make so that your recovery can continue. Who knows maybe in the fullness of time when you both have lots of sober time and recovery under your belts, you might reconnect. For now though, perhaps work on yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
In my personal experience, when I say, "I'm done," I mean it. No offense to PeacefulWaters, but I would work on healing from the breakup and not holding out hope she will change her mind.
Breaking up is excruciating no matter how or why it happens and it usually takes me a good six months to a year to feel good about it and ready to move on. Some days it's one minute at a time.
It's great you are sober yourself, maybe try some meetings or a hobby or volunteer opportunity that puts you in proximity to other people doing good things.
Breaking up is excruciating no matter how or why it happens and it usually takes me a good six months to a year to feel good about it and ready to move on. Some days it's one minute at a time.
It's great you are sober yourself, maybe try some meetings or a hobby or volunteer opportunity that puts you in proximity to other people doing good things.
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Originally Posted by nj771 
Me and my girlfriend moved in together about 3 months ago, but have been together for almost a year. We both struggle with addiction and trauma in our lives, she chose to go to rehab almost a month ago, which i’m 100% supportive of and its good to see her improving with her addictions and getting the help that she needs, Ive also been sober for a month now. In the middle of our addictions, we’ve had horrible fights, said things we both regret deeply.. and for a while things were getting better between us, we would talk when we could, call each other etc. talk about our life after treatment. About three days ago, she called me and told me that her therapist made her realize that she can’t be in a relationship or get over our past. It seems unfair that counselors can suggest that she leave her relationship, as rehabs recommend not being in a relationship for the first year. It’s been hard, because it’s such a sudden change.. there’s been no contact since. I don’t want to make this all about myself because it’s not, but the loss and pain of losing someone you love is really hard.. I wonder if anyone else has experiences of this? how do you choose to cope with the loss?
Yeah, what you're feeling sucks. And yes, it probably feels unbearable. But step back for a minute. She's just entering recovery. You're fairly new to recovery yourself. And while you may not want to admit this, the truth is if either of you have any shot at a lasting recovery, you have to be apart for now. She doesn't have the bandwidth to be a responsible, loving partner. And frankly, neither do you. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or you don't love her. It just means that at this point in your lives, your respective recoveries need to take priority.
I've had more than my share of loss with respect to romantic relationships, and more than my fair share of trauma. And what I can tell you is while what you're feeling is horrible, it is not going to kill you. If you love her, AND you want your best chance at recovery, you need to give her space and take advantage of this time to work on yourself. We're talking about issues of life and death, and when placed in that context, it's more important that you both get better than it is to be together.
As for what to do to soothe yourself during this time, focus on you. If you don't exercise, start. When Duff McKagan of Guns 'N Roses entered recovery back in the 1990s, he got into mountain biking and mixed martial arts, and the rush from rigorous exercise got him through his dangerous first days of recovery. Hydrate. Make sure you eat as healthy as you can. If you have time and the gas money (tough these days), take a drive somewhere you've never been to change the visual channel in your head. Listen to music. Read. If you're so inclined, start hitting meetings as often as you can. But most of all, just be in the moment. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just do what you need to do to get through the next hour. When Tiger Woods was in his car accident last year and was confined to a hospital bed for 3 months, he focused on getting from one meal to the next, and before he knew it, the days turned into a week, a week turned into a month, and a month turned into three months. Fourteen months after his leg had to be surgically rebuilt, he walked Augusta National for four rounds, and trust me, that's a brutal walk.
None of this is going to be easy. You're going to have tough days ahead. But with some honesty and some hard work, you can get through this.
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Join Date: May 2022
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Originally Posted by nj771
Me and my girlfriend moved in together about 3 months ago, but have been together for almost a year. We both struggle with addiction and trauma in our lives, she chose to go to rehab almost a month ago, which i’m 100% supportive of and its good to see her improving with her addictions and getting the help that she needs, Ive also been sober for a month now. In the middle of our addictions, we’ve had horrible fights, said things we both regret deeply.. and for a while things were getting better between us, we would talk when we could, call each other etc. talk about our life after treatment. About three days ago, she called me and told me that her therapist made her realize that she can’t be in a relationship or get over our past. It seems unfair that counselors can suggest that she leave her relationship, as rehabs recommend not being in a relationship for the first year. It’s been hard, because it’s such a sudden change.. there’s been no contact since. I don’t want to make this all about myself because it’s not, but the loss and pain of losing someone you love is really hard.. I wonder if anyone else has experiences of this? how do you choose to cope with the loss?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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Great to read that you are making yourself a priority. This is what we are meant to do. I grew up around alcoholism so was trained to pander to the A parents needs all the time. Very unhealthy. I had to learn to focus on ME.
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