Sober Ex Left me to be with a woman he met in recovery
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 1
Sober Ex Left me to be with a woman he met in recovery
My ex and I were together for almost 6 years and he was using the entire time. I didn’t know anything about drugs before meeting him, but I went deep into his addiction with him literally holding his hand through Hell (but I never tried anything I kept myself away from the drugs / fentanyl). We have 2 kids together one of them is 3 and the other is 1. I was always there for him and took him to rehab or picked him up from sketchy places. Showed nothing but love and compassion and wanted to work out and be healthy no matter what it took. I started going to therapy several years ago and at first it was an attempt to fix our relationship then it became about personal growth and dealing with my own trauma. I started healing my codependency and becoming aware of my own enabling behaviors. This last time he went to rehab he really showed he was serious about getting sober. About a month after he got out of rehab he broke up with me because we had issues with the way he would interact with woman and still leave details out that could’ve built trust instead of tearing us back down. He continued to sleep with me for several months and finally at the beginning of April he said he wanted to stop sleeping together. Last weekend he told me he has a girlfriend (and we just slept together 3 weeks before). He said he wanted to tell me because he “respects” me but I don’t feel very respected. It’s already social media official, they’re saying I love you to each other and he never asks about our kids he only sees them overnight once a week because he “doesn’t have time” and is “powerless” over the amount of time he gets with them. But he has time for a whole new relationship with a woman he met in AA that is also freshly sober? I just can’t wrap my head around how I meant so little to him and why he doesn’t want to be in the kids lives more. If anyone has experience or insight on this type of situation I would really appreciate it because I’ve been struggling mentally over it
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi
sorry for what brings you here. There are many stories here of rehab love. It hurts that someone we love and care about could do that. You have to know the three C's you didn't cause this,you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Right now you need to look after yourself and your kids. Your ex is on his own journey,. You need to be on yours. You have come to a place of great knowledge. I might make a suggestion that you post in the forum of friends and family of Alcoholic. That is what you seem to be dealing with. Lots of helpful people here to help. Stay strong and keep posting
sorry for what brings you here. There are many stories here of rehab love. It hurts that someone we love and care about could do that. You have to know the three C's you didn't cause this,you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Right now you need to look after yourself and your kids. Your ex is on his own journey,. You need to be on yours. You have come to a place of great knowledge. I might make a suggestion that you post in the forum of friends and family of Alcoholic. That is what you seem to be dealing with. Lots of helpful people here to help. Stay strong and keep posting
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Qtkins 
I'm sorry for what brings you here - I wish I knew why people act this way apart from selfishness and a need for immediate self gratification - but be assured this is a place of great support.
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here - I wish I knew why people act this way apart from selfishness and a need for immediate self gratification - but be assured this is a place of great support.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Qtkins, glad you found us.
It does seem incredible how someone could just so quickly drop their old life and everyone in it that loves them and just move onto a new partner but sadly it seems common in recovery. The addict just does it with no thought to others. They just want to grab the new high, which is what the new partner is.
Glad to hear about your own personal growth work and journey. Often when we work on ourselves and heal from childhood trauma, we outgrow the addict we are with anyway. What was once acceptable, no longer is.
On the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here, there has been several stories lately of people with spouses having "rehab romances", it might help you to read them.
It does seem incredible how someone could just so quickly drop their old life and everyone in it that loves them and just move onto a new partner but sadly it seems common in recovery. The addict just does it with no thought to others. They just want to grab the new high, which is what the new partner is.
Glad to hear about your own personal growth work and journey. Often when we work on ourselves and heal from childhood trauma, we outgrow the addict we are with anyway. What was once acceptable, no longer is.
On the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum here, there has been several stories lately of people with spouses having "rehab romances", it might help you to read them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi Qtkins
I would have to echo what the others have said, it does seem to be a common occurence.
Tells you where they're heads are at - in the clouds! Commonality of problem draws them together, and will probably cause them to come crashing back to reality.
It's great that you have been working on yourself, via therapy. You're worth more than this shoddy behaviour. I know it's hurtful, but give yourself time, and you'll be glad he done you a favour. Having an addict around children can be so damaging to them.
Much Love
Bute x
I would have to echo what the others have said, it does seem to be a common occurence.
Tells you where they're heads are at - in the clouds! Commonality of problem draws them together, and will probably cause them to come crashing back to reality.
It's great that you have been working on yourself, via therapy. You're worth more than this shoddy behaviour. I know it's hurtful, but give yourself time, and you'll be glad he done you a favour. Having an addict around children can be so damaging to them.
Much Love
Bute x
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Qtkins...
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. At the same time, it's important that you understand and appreciate that this happens all the time.
Addicts have very, very poor boundaries, and when they're in a rehab setting, they tend to bond quickly with other addicts over shared experiences. Instead of doing what they're supposed to be doing -- which is working on themselves -- they feed the chemical reaction of meeting someone similar to themselves. So hooking up in rehab is common, but where there's no healthy foundation under their feet, that relationship is inevitably doomed to fail.
As for what you can realistically do to manage yourself, you have to first ask yourself if this is the kind of life that is best for you. And if you can answer that question honestly, you can move on to another phase of your life. It may not be the life that you think you want, but it will be the life you need. Trust me when I say this. My AXGF and I broke up over ten years ago. Since then, I've completed graduate school, gotten married, been promoted at work three times, and now I'm on a leadership track at my company. None of this would have been possible if my AXGF and I stayed together. So think about what is best for you, and then pull that trigger.
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. At the same time, it's important that you understand and appreciate that this happens all the time.
Addicts have very, very poor boundaries, and when they're in a rehab setting, they tend to bond quickly with other addicts over shared experiences. Instead of doing what they're supposed to be doing -- which is working on themselves -- they feed the chemical reaction of meeting someone similar to themselves. So hooking up in rehab is common, but where there's no healthy foundation under their feet, that relationship is inevitably doomed to fail.
As for what you can realistically do to manage yourself, you have to first ask yourself if this is the kind of life that is best for you. And if you can answer that question honestly, you can move on to another phase of your life. It may not be the life that you think you want, but it will be the life you need. Trust me when I say this. My AXGF and I broke up over ten years ago. Since then, I've completed graduate school, gotten married, been promoted at work three times, and now I'm on a leadership track at my company. None of this would have been possible if my AXGF and I stayed together. So think about what is best for you, and then pull that trigger.
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