Gut feeling
 

This is my 1st post here after joining yesterday & I just need a place to vent. I've been married to my husband 28 years & most of that time he has been in active addiction. It started with alcohol, then cocaine & then into this longest dance with meth, which has led into all other kinds of unimaginable hurts. 4 years ago I decided I was done & told him I wanted a divorce. He then found the Lord & stopped using for probably 2 years, although he says it was longer than that but I could just tell. The final straw was he showed up at our daughter's home on Halloween last year so high. Our daughter, who is so great with boundaries, was angry that he did this around her baby, as she should have been. She hasn't talked with him since. This time I insisted on rehab where he has been for 6 months & he gets out this week.

I should have left when my kids were young. They were exposed to verbal abuse & belittling & saw things kids should never see. I was never strong enough & came from a similar environment & was enveloped in fear.

While he was in rehab I had my attorney draw up divorce papers. I want to file them but I don't want to jeopardize his sobriety. My therapist told me whatever I do now could make or break him. That's such a heavy weight to carry. Do I do what my heart is telling me to do & file bc I know it's only a matter of time? Or do I stay & give him one more chance? How many one more chances do I give?? I'm such an enabler. This is the battle in my head from the moment I wake until I fall asleep for a precious few hours when I get a break from it.

Hi and welcome Carly :)

your husbands sobriety is not your responsibility - it’s his.

You’ve been standing by for 28 years…none can accuse you of cutting and running.

Do what is best for you and your children and grandchildren.

D

Welcome, Carly, glad you found us.

I am very surprised your therapist would say that to you. It is not your responsibly at all.

As Dee says, it is solely his responsibility no one elses. This is made very clear in all recovery programs for addicts.

I encourage to you do what is best for yourself and your children.

Carly...welcome to the forum!

I agree with the other posters that you have the right to do what is best for your own welfare. It is not your job to keep him sober. It just doesn't work like that.
The sobriety that lasts is when the person wants to live a sober life for themselves----no matter what life throws their way. It is called "living life on life's terms".
When a person is trying to remain sober to appease someone else---to please someone else---it is not likely to continue when the challenges of life show up.
Plus....as soon as someone or something presents something that they do not want---it becomes the perfect thing to blame a relapse on. Pushing their responsibility to remain sober onto someone else......(like you, for example).

In other words...it is not your being with him or not being with him that maintains his sobriety. It is what is within him that determines his sobriety or not.

***For the record---I suspect that your therapist may not be a specialist in addictions or alcoholism. Not all therapists are, you know. Even if they are good therapists, otherwise....they may not have had the additional training/experience that is required.
I, also, am surprised that he/she said that to you.
Also, there are some therapists who have an agenda of trying to keep all marriages together, no matter what. (I have read about this in some professional journals that are directed to particular "schools" of therapy.).

i have never heard this before. But it makes sense that the marriage counsellor i saw had that stay together agenda.
Even when my xah blew off our first appointment to go on a days long bender. Even when i told her about all the stealing, pawning our stuff, violence and dysfunction.
I was specifically looking for help *untangling* from that mess and all she did was guilt me into letting my xah move back in and take yet another ride on the crazy-go-round. I could have gotten away a whole year earlier if it wasnt for my parents and the marriage counsellor pressuring me so hard instead if listening to me say "nope, i have had it."

Thank you all for being so welcoming & for giving me a safe place to verbalize things. I'm grateful to even be able to say these things out loud, esp to people who don't judge me.

Hi Carly, glad you found the forum! I also can't believe your therapist said that to you (I mean I can but!). As dandylion said, your therapist is probably not specifically trained in addiction, so doesn't truly understand it. It's a specialized area for a reason.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

His sobriety (or not) never has been your responsibility. If your attention and loyalty could have had him stop the drinking and drugging - well I suspect he would have been sober these last 28 years. It just doesn't work that way. This is totally up to him.

You can file those papers for sure. If by some magic he does manage to get clean AND (and this is the most important part) YOU are still interested, well perhaps you can start dating. Really the power of this decision is with you. This is your chance to make a break and start pursuing your own peaceful, calm life. Taking good care of yourself. That's not selfish, that's looking out for yourself and your wellbeing (and that of your children) is just as important as his.

Maybe let him try his own path?

I've been married to my husband 28 years & most of that time he has been in active addiction. It started with alcohol, then cocaine & then into this longest dance with meth, which has led into all other kinds of unimaginable hurts.

In other words, you've put in your time, and then some.

Any decisions involving marriage are by their nature incredibly serious. But here's the thing: marriage only works when both parties are playing by the same set of rules. For 28 years, you've been playing by one set of rules -- the responsible set -- while your husband hasn't been playing by any rules except what makes him feel good in the moment. Marriage cannot work with that sort of imbalance. And because of this, you are well within your rights to do what is necessary to protect yourself.

Put it this way: if you weren't able to change his behavior after all this time, then why are you concerned about his sobriety if you serve him papers? The choice to pick up is his, not yours. The consequences of his decision to pick up are his, not yours. The decision to allow him to hold you hostage after all this time is, however, yours.

Twenty eight years. That's more than a quarter century. Haven't you had enough?