Frankierose

Thankyou x it’s his not willing to talk about it that’s hard , it’s like he’s just closed off but my mental health is suffering so bad with the no answers I appreciate the danger etc and that’s probably why he’s hiding away but I just need some answers i don’t think I’m ever going to get them

dandylion

rose.....I agree with you that you are probably not going to get the answers that you would like to have. Drug addicts are not known to be good at telling the whole truth about anything.
There are so many things that you will have to adjust to and just accept---as there is nothing you can do about it.
Continue to get support for yourself and get through each day the best that you possibly can.
One day you will look back on all of this.

PeacefulWater12

I agree that you are very unlikely to get any closure from him.

There probably are no answers other than the spiral of active addiction taking over the person, they themselves don't know why they do what they do.

sevenofnine

Here is what I have learned from my own personal experience with this.

During the first 4 months of my split with my axh, my dad was super kind and did the pickups and dropoffs. It was a huge help, because it prevented us having to be face to face, and kept a lot of tension out.
Maybe there are some people you can ask for help with this? Limiting contact to just what is strictly necessary is probably important. Even if you can't get help, here are some ways to limit contact when bringing lids back and forth.

Number one is that the person who has the kids always does the drop off. This means you don't have someone at your door waiting while you shuffle the kids to get ready to leave. It also means you don't have the kids right in the middle of something, making them upset to be interrupted to leave. Much better for the kids that way, particularly young children. The kids can probably even go to the door on their own when you drop them off, or with a minimum of interaction as you carry their bag to the door. Avoid going to the door if you can, and don't go in.

Second, when possible, make switchovers happen around school/daycare. The kids are dropped off in the morning by one parent and picked up in the evening by the other, and nobody has to see each other.

Third, if you can afford to, set yourself up with all the stuff the kids need, even if you end up buying double. That way you have less reason to interact over clothing and toys. Note that a child's possessions, clothes and toys, are their own, though, and children should be allowed to bring them back and forth if they want. But the more stuff they have sorted out already at each house, the less they need to cart around. Older kids may want their own piece of luggage to carry stuff back and forth, to make it easier to keep track of things.

Fourth, it is ok to have different rules at different houses. It is great if you get along with the ex and can coparent and discuss things, but that is not always possible when there is a history of abuse, addiction etc. Another model is called "parallel parenting" and works around minimizing interaction by having super detailed schedules set out and as much parenting decisions already recorded in your divorce agreement as possible to limit the need for interaction. Do not rush it when hammering out your divorce agreement; any ambiguity just leaves a place for conflict. You can always choose later to informally agree to doing a different thing, but having a detailed plan to default to if you don't agree is extremely valuable. Until you have a written separation agreement or divorce papers or whatever, consider that it may be worth taking somewhat less or more time with your kids, or taking a less convenient time, simply to save yourself the anguish of dealing with your problematic ex to work out a plan.

Finally, Custody scheduling should happen by email to keep a paper trail, but also, because any discussions should happen days, weeks, or months ahead and shouldnt need urgent, immediate replies. Consider setting up a separate email just for parenting, so you can choose to check it at a time that works better for you emotionally. That way you don't get hit with the emotional whammy of a tense email jumping at you when you were just trying to look up a date in your kid's school newsletter. You can also turn off notifications for this email and not have it unexpectedly interrupt you with this painful situation as you go about your day. Text messages should just be for day to day minor (and not controversial) stuff, like letting them know the kid's prescription needs a refill, or to ask them to keep an eye on that scrape on his foot. No reason to contact over laundry, house rules, toys; even homework, discipline and extracurriculars can be taken care of independently.

You just take care of your side and let go of everything else. Kid doesnt do homework, eats exclusively chicken nuggets, has no bedtime and is glued to the screen 24/7 at dads, that is not anything you can control. Unless there is abuse or neglect, your ex has the right to be a ****** parent. You do not have the power to stop them. You are better off making peace with that and focusing on making your side the most nourishing and nurturing scene that you can. Your kid will likely do ok if they have at least one good household, and the thing is, even if you think they are worse off because of something your ex does, you really have no power to control that, unfortunately. So let yourself off the hook for the part he plays. Just like how you can't control your AH's addiction, you can't control how XAH parents, or how they run their life. Just focus on your side of the fence and put your efforts there.

As for the feelings of grief and loss-that will likely be months at least before it feels like anything but awful. Like mourning a death, you are likely to always carry some pain about it. But you can move forward anyway and still build a new scene for yourself eventually. For me, i am still processing things a decade later, but the major heartache, the sleepless nights, nausea, intrusive thoughts, panic and fear subsided slowly. Over six months, it went from full-on emergency melt-down level emotions where I was barely functioning to merely a background level of radiation that regular ppe (self care) can handle.

Good Luck!

dandylion

Good post, I think!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Lauradee

Hey Frankie
I felt compelled to reply I am new and just joined but I am so sad for you and I think this forum and peoples advice will really help you through this !
I have just discovered my fairly new boyfriend (who moved in very quickly now I know it’s because he was actually homeless) has been taking cocaine behind my back and having it delivered to my house !
I left him a couple of months ago as he went on a cocaine bender and never came home I couldn’t get hold of him or anything but like many I believed the crying and I promise I’ll never do it again line!
anyway I discovered via my ring door bell hed been getting deliveries and then I found the empty bags in his car !! If this wasn’t enough I then discover he’d been messaging another woman ! I am in complete shock I would never had guessed this was happening he was loving ok sex was a bit sparse but I just thought he was a bit tired and couldn’t tell me enough about how I was the best thing that has ever happened to him ! None of this is making any sense to me I’ve had to kick him out the week before Christmas and I feel terrible!! I appreciate all comments and advice !

Frankierose

hi lovely I’m so sorry you find yourself here , unfortunately as in many cases like this my story got a hole lot worse , found out he had been having an affair with a fellow user and is living with her , he’s lost everything including our children still denies drugs etc , but trust they are indeed lying , it’s a seedy world it changed my husband so not someone I no longer recognise it’s had me suicidal , my kids are in therapy , my advice would honestly be cut him off completely save yourself further heartbreak , they lie , they cheat it doesn’t get better I wish I could be more positive I read stories like mind thinking nah mine wouldn’t do that but he did it took me 9 months of lies off him before I found out the truth even now I think there is probably more to it x it doesn’t make sense and it never will I drove my self to insanity like literally get out now while you can , you can’t help him you can’t cure him x it’s horrendous but it’s the truth I hope you manage to have some sort of Christmas your focus needs to be in you x much love 💜

Lauradee

Oh my goodness I am so so sorry to hear that . You are so so right I keep feeling guilty and that I should give him a chance but actually like you said deep down there’s probably a lot more I don’t even know about yet and probably more cheering etc .he has gone but as he is basically homeless he has nowhere for his things to go but apparently tomo he is coming to collect everything so I can then move on properly and cut all contact . Thank you for replying it feels so lonely when dealing with this as it’s not something everyone will have to go through I hope you and your children have a fantastic Christmas and that you heal from this xxx

trailmix

Laura - I'm sorry to hear your story and sorry you got hurt.

Please steel yourself for his visit today. He might try to manipulate you in to having him stay, homeless, Christmas etc etc. It would seem perhaps he isn't homeless because he is coming to get his things? That doesn't add up, so could well not be as he's told you.

Frankie - I'm also sorry you have been suffering. Glad to hear your kiddies are in therapy. Have you considered or found therapy for yourself as well? You have been through a trauma and need all the support you can get.

Lauradee

Hey trail mix

I am completely ready for his manipulation tactics today I’ve had a good word with myself he is very charming and good looking but unfortunately this will not wash with me now!
he is putting it into his mums garage apparently I don’t know where he’s been staying I’m he is also now off work and his alleged recovery program isn’t starting until 6th jan so he’s got a tough couple of weeks coming but I’m hoping this is his rock bottom and he gets the help he needs thank you for you message x