Girlfriend left me for rehab romance
 

I spent a good amount yesterday reading similar situations I've currently dealing with, and thankful I found this forum. Figured it would give me a chance to share my story. Here it goes.

I'm 36 and have been dating someone for the last 6 1/2 years. I was 29 when we first met and she was 22. I'm just about 7 years older than her. We first met a job, got together, and it started off hot and heavy. We would go out to drink on the weekends and my ex would always drink to the point of puking and blacking out. I knew at the time it wasn't right but I never knew an alcoholic so I didn't think too much of it. I got to know her and realized she was bi polar and manic depressive without getting the help she needed for those two issues. She was drinking to escape her head and she obviously abused it. I made the mistake of allowing it to happen because I would drink with her too and treat her to great times at hotels, concerts, the whole nine. I'm also someone who has had anxiety and depression issues my whole life, been medicated, seen doctors, and everything. I would smoke marijuana almost daily but that's pretty much about it (never really liked drinking)

Throughout our first couple of years, I noticed her trend of being mentally and physically abusive towards when drunk. I've had her bite me on my neck to get away from her, spit in my face, and talk down to me by calling me a piece of ****, loser, and much worse. It was an endless cycle where it would happen and then the next day she wouldn't remember anything and apologize and say she doesn't know why I stay with her. This went on for years until she went out and cheated on me one night while drunk. As much as my gut told me not to, I stayed with her because she came out and told me the truth the very next day. Things were always good for us when she was sober so I kept hope out on the potential we could have if she got sober. I pushed treatment upon her but she always insisted that it was a mental issue, not an addictive one, and that she could take care of it if she had me and distractions.

Throughout our relationship, she crashed multiple cars, got a slap in the wrist dui (was able to drive for work) and lived with her mother. We never lived together because I was always afraid of her abusing me, drinking, or getting us in trouble. It took a huge toll on me mentally to the point where when 2020 came I fell into a huge depression.

My ex has and would use almost every possible drug that would be available to her. She always told me that she hated living sober and it isn't fun. I would give her weed because I figured it helped her stay away from alcohol (which it did but looking back it was a mistake). She also introduced me to molly and keep this in mind I only ever drank once in the blue moon and smoke weed. We dabbed in that sometimes to the point where I basically said enough. 2020 hit and she got the point where she was going to get kicked out of her mom's house because she couldn't keep a job and she would drink behind our backs every day and her mom and I tried to get her help but she never wanted to.

2020 hit and I stopped drinking with her. I told her that I was enabling her and she had a severe problem that she needs to help for. She tried doing it herself and obviously that didn't work. We had a lot of rough patches throughout the year because of her drinking and she knew my stance on it along with her families and everyone else around her.

Fast forward to July of 2021, she was going to get kicked out of her house if she didn't agree to treatment. She decided to go to an all female rehab facility for one month. Went there and when I picked her up, she looked the happiest and healthiest I've ever seen her. She was saying all the right things and I really believed this was it. She relapsed 2 days later and I got pissed. Her mom told her she had to go to AA every day and took away her car, she had no money, and basically our relationship was on the rocks. She randomly broke up with me a day after going to a state fair (which she had a great time at, wanting to take pics with me and seeming all lovey dovey). Told me that she didn't love me anymore. She then proceeded to go on a huge binge and used a bunch of friends to get messed up every day. We eventually started hanging out again within a week because I basically begged her to stay with me. I kept pushing that she needed more treatment and 30 days wasn't enough, I gave her passes because I was more worried about losing her. Last week she was out, she was stealing money from her mom, drinking, and hiding the beer so her mom wouldn't see it. She got verbally abusive to me like always and told me she didn't love me but comes out the next day apologizing and saying "she doesn't even know why i'm with her".

She got accepted to another treatment center (different one than before) and drove into the place drunk. Called me and told me that she loved me so much, was going to mess me, and begged me not to forget her. She didn't have a phone for the first month so I would hear from her once a week. She asked me to come visit and when I did, she brought us up and said that she wanted to put all her effort into this treatment without the worries of our relationship (everything I read is that they should do this) and I basically told her i'm not going anywhere and that I want her to put all her effort into getting healthy and kicking this so she can finally be happy. Whatever happens with us will be meant to happen. We both were crying and kissed goodbye. She got her phone back and we would talk almost every day. Were making plans for things to do when she got out and what I should get for her for Christmas, etc.

Three weeks ago she wanted to take photos for me and asked if I could send a sexy picture she sent me 3 years ago for "reference". At the time I got anxiety and asked her if it was for another guy because I thought it was odd she was asking for a 3 year old picture. She swore to me that it was for me, getting upset I was thinking otherwise so I caved in sent it to her and she did send me one the next day. I noticed her becoming friends with guys at the place (her place was co-ed) on social media and my gut was telling me I was right about the other guy thing. She started getting distant and quit the first 2 jobs she started while there (endless routine of never being able to keep one) but was talking to me less and less. I thought I was bothering her and she knew I was struggling with anxiety and depression because I was damn near crying on the phone all the time. 5 days ago, I asked if we could talk and she basically said that she wants to concentrate on herself right now and make this soberty her number 1 issue and not worry about us "right now". I asked her if there was someone else and she basically came out and said yes and that "she only went to AA" with him twice. She said we shouldn't talk anymore and that I should move on. Did it in a really unsincere way. Two days later, she deletes me on instagram (kept our close two friends, plus my mom and sister) and uploads a photo with another guy in recovery.

Quick google search will tell you this guy has been in and out of jail for 7 years. in 2016-2018 he was in jail for controlled substance, and then since 2020, he's been arrested 6 times and charged with 6 felonies for theft. He just got out of jail in July. He's also only 26.

I'm so damn heartbroken and confused on how she could do this to me with no remorse. All her family have told me I should've left a long time ago, no one would've given her this many chances, or had the best intentions for her as I did. I put so much effort into getting sober that I lost sight of myself and I'm so damaged right now. I know that based on reading, this is a huge mistake on her part and she's doing this to fill the empty void of the fun of alcohol and drugs. I'm afraid and pissed off and want to write her and ask how she could lie, manipulate, and hurt someone who did so much for her but know it's pointless because of where she's at right now. Her family is pissed at her for not putting herself and her getting sober first and for how she treated me as well. I'm just so lost on what to do and feel like I just lost my best friend and got thrown to the curb like a piece of garbage. I could understand it being this way if I treated her badly but she always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she doesn't know why I stayed with her because she's a terrible human being.

Any advice would help. Sorry for the long story but I was trying to cover everything. I think I would feel better if I knew this guy was a good person and was good for her but knowing the kind of person he is, it makes it worse and i'm taking this really bad. Thanks for listening.

Ez

I read your above post. It certainly is a crazy story. Im sure it was difficult to write. Most normal type people can not relate or even begin to understand these types of stories.

My own crazy story is posted on this forum in various threads. Its not the same as yours but there are many similarities. You can read it if you want. You have posted your story on a site where everyone including me will totally understand.

Although im sure your head is just spinning at this point, your addict has done you a huge favor by moving on. It doesnt matter how this seperation occured. but what most important is that this addict is out of your life.

Dealing with the aftermath of being in a relationship with an addict is extremely difficult. Hopefully you will be able to let her be & save yourself from further destructive involvement.

Thank you for your reply, and kind words. I hope you found some inner peace after your story played out the way it did too. I'm trying to focus on myself, but since it's still fresh, I'm having a really hard time. I know time heals all wounds but it's hard to see that now.

Ez

These types of destructive relationships can leave deep scares. It can take a lot of time & understanding for us to heal. You have to choose to get past this. Its not easy especially in the beginning.

Your choice is simple - continue down this never ending destructive road with an addict or bite the bullit now & save yourself.

She aint gonna save you. She cant save herself.

Hi EZ,
Thanks for replying to my post and your supportive words. I just read thru your situation and I am so sorry you are going thru this. The amount of heartache and stress they put us through only to ditch us is unbelievable. And the cycle of constantly being threatened with leaving is tiring. I imagine it is extra hard now, around the holidays.... ?
Maybe you will have a peaceful holiday without her! Did your x always make mayhem of the holidays too? Mine often became pouty. They seem to thrive off of chaos. It is so hard letting go of that person we fell in love with, and we still see glimpses of them. I am sending you good thoughts and peace of mind this Thanksgiving.

Thank you for your message.

Yeah, the holidays were difficult for her always because she always wanted to drink on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I find myself just thinking about her today, and wishing I had her to spend it with (as stupid as that sounds).

I keep trying to remind myself that all her problems, anger, and issues are no longer mine right now. I know she's going to struggle with being sober during the holidays, and not being able to spend it with family.

Once again I'm sorry you're also going through heartbreak, and hope you have a good Thanksgiving (all things considered). Peace to you.

EZ, my son has spent most of his adult life in and out of the revolving door of recovery/relapse and went to more than 15 rehabs, most of them 3 months with good resourses like counseling and AA meetings and preparation for staying sober/straight after he left and hit the "real world" again. He had the tools but never used them, he had a sponsor and therapist but dropped them with the first relapse, which came quickly. He went to jail and then his crimes got bigger and he went to prison and is back there now after blowing parole by stealing a car and being caught with thousands of dollars in cash and more in drugs.

Through the years I tried to save him from himself, until I almost died from his addiction. I learned the hard way that I had to let go and let God do for him what I could not. Today I pray for him every morning then live my life well making healthy choices along the way.

My point is that your toxic relationship will not get better any time soon. SHE has to make better choices, and she may over time or she more likely will get worse, like my son. Nothing you say or do can save her. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

My suggestion is to cut all contact and take this opportunity to let her go, your heart will heal in time, her addiction may not.

I am glad you came here and hope you find some of your answers and lots of support. You are not alone here.

I wish you well and hope you will give thought to healing yourself and then finding new beginnings that are healthier and that make you happier...as a good relationship should. You don't need to count on anyone to hold the key to your happiness, you hold it and only you can find a happiness in your heart that doesn't depend on anyone else.

Good luck, keep walking in your recovery and don't look back.

Ann - thank you for reaching out. I'm very sorry about the situation with your son, and hope you understand that you did everything you could for him. It's really unfortunate that he keeps relapsing after the 3 months, but one thing I've learned about addicts is that the real world comes at them fast, and the first time things get difficult they turn to alcohol or substance. Hopefully one day he will overcome his inner demons before they get the best of him. For your case, and his.

I'm now at 2 weeks since last contact with my ex, and as much as I want to reach out and ask why, I see no point right now. She still has photos with the rehab romance up, and I refuse to get involved with that no matter how vengeful I am. I have so many questions left unanswered, and only time will tell if they ever do get answered.

I love her with all my heart, and hope she does finally overcome her demons, but from the endless amount of research I've done (both on this forum and other outlets), she is going down the wrong path in recovery. I do know that I did everything I could for her, and it does give me solace knowing that I led her to recovery when most would have wiped their hands clean of her a long time ago. Will she ever realize how much I did for her, and all the things she did to make my mental health worse? Who knows.

That's what I'm struggling with the most - the unappreciative nature of how she went about doing things. All in 3 weeks - it went from "I love you so much, don't leave me", to "I want to work on myself and I'm not looking for anyone else", to "I don't love you anymore" and finally admitted there was someone else when I asked her about it. I truly wonder if she would have ever told me the truth about this guy if I never asked.

So many questions, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not still struggling. It's been 2 weeks, and she is constantly on my mind - no matter how hard I try to block her out. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Very thankful I found this forum, and the ones who can understand where I coming from. Thanks again for reaching out, and I hope you had a great holiday.

Prayers for your peace and self love. You deserve so much better.

Take care of you first. Cry. Take a bath.


you didn’t cause her problems and you can’t cure it.

prayers for her mom too.

you’ve both tried so hard, time to let it be

Thank you for reaching out. I can't tell you how many times I've heard I deserve better (including from her multiple times), but it doesn't make things any better. I know I deserved better than what she was giving me, that's for sure.

I know I can sleep at night knowing that I tried my best, and almost the whole reason why she's in recovery is because of her mom and I. Everyone else basically wrote her off.

The majority of the last year she spent drinking and driving because she had no where to drink. If anything, and best case scenario she does get the help she needs, I'll be happy knowing I saved her life and others because she didn't hurt someone driving drunk all the time.

Ez, when people say “you deserve better,” we don’t mean “you deserve better from HER” we mean “you deserve better from yourSELF.”


She isn’t capable of better and hasn’t been since before you met her. But you are.

Thanks Sparklekitty, much more clearly spoken.

That love that we are seeking? We open the door within, and you need to love yourself first.

Reading your own story, and imagining that was from a friend, what could you do for him?

Thats the love and care you provide to that hurting self inside with compassion and direction. You wouldn’t suggest to your friend to stay in that destructive relationship 🥰😍

I understand where you both are coming from. Honestly, I'm not sure what I would tell a friend if the story was their's, and not mine.

I would probably say the same thing as everyone else that you deserve better, and as long as alcohol and substance is involved, it will never progress. I think couple's therapy would possibly help too, but it would take a lot of work on both sides. Basically do what's best for them for once - like what everyone else is telling me.