Need advice

Old 10-19-2021, 03:27 PM
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Need advice

My sister has had psychological issues all her life but for the past 4.5 years it has been really tough. She is out of control all the time. It is now at the point that her husband does not want her in the house any more and her kids are terrified of her. I have one older sister and none of us live in the same country. She calls me constantly threatening suicide and just screaming, crying, being abusive and just generally horrible. I’m a very soft person. She will not call my older sister as she does not get the reaction she wants from her. She refuses to get help. I beg her. Over the last few weeks it’s gotten even worse. She has ran away from home. Met up with strangers. Drank lots, took handfuls of benzos and smoked meth. She seems to keep me involved in every aspect of her misery. It has gotten to the point where my my life is no longer my own. It’s been spiraling for a while. I see a therapist and last night had a missive row with her. She emotionally blackmails me constantly. My husband and kids have had enough. Im constantly overly anxious, having panic attacks and crying. Last night I blocked her number. I can’t deal with it. But she says I’m the only person she has to talk to. The guilt and anxiety I feel is out of control. I love her but she is toxic. I can’t continue like this but I’m afraid she will kill herself and it will be my fault
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for just over 4.5 years. I used this website for my road of recovery. Could not log in under my original username as I could not remember the password or the email I used originally. Does anyone have any suggestions. Thanks in advance.
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Old 10-19-2021, 03:28 PM
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Just so very sad. I can’t live the way I am but can’t live with the guilt.
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Old 10-19-2021, 05:40 PM
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The best course of action when anyone threatens suicide is to call 911. If it was a sincere threat, they'll get the help they need. If it was a manipulation tactic, they'll most likely learn never to pull that one again.
Good job identifying that your life has become unmanageable.
You admit that this has consumed you, and is wreaking havoc on your own family's life. Is that acceptable to you? It sounds like the answer is "no", and that's okay- in fact, it's appropriate.
What would your life look like if you set boundaries according to what is acceptable to you?
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Old 10-20-2021, 04:22 AM
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I have tried to set boundaries but they fall on deaf ears. I am always there for her but I can’t take it any more and the guilt I feel is so bad. My husband is so fed up with everything. I am not present in my own life. But all I can think of is how not having contact with her will affect her! What is she doing now? What if me not always being there for her like before send her over the edge, or makes matters worse. Is it just better to live with the emotional blackmail or not. I’m so confused
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Old 10-20-2021, 06:26 AM
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Hi, Kim! I’m going to preface this with saying Nar-Anon or Smart F&F could be a good idea, and the stickies here might help, also. I’m no expert, so for sure, don’t be afraid to look at the more established information here!

Quick thought—Boundaries shouldn’t be able to fall on deaf ears because they are rules of engagement for you, not her. And it’s up to you to enforce them. An example might be: boundary=I don’t have conversations with people who are high/tweaking/drink. She can try to engage you when she’s under the influence, but you can say “love you, but you know that’s my boundary, so call me when you’re sober and we can talk.” And then you hang up/leave the room/etc. Obviously, that doesn’t have to be your boundary, boundaries are very personal and it’s about what works for you and not what other people think you ”should” do.

I’m sure you’ve heard a million times we can’t control or change other people’s behavior. But, we can let them see and experience the consequence of their actions. What good is it doing protecting her from the repercussions of her choices? Additionally, there’s a reason airlines tell us to put on our own oxygen masks before we help others. How much good are you to your sister if you don’t take care of yourself first? Feeling as wrecked and chaotic in life as you do right now, if it got worse and also started to bring down your family and your finances, could you be any help to her then? Or would you be too destroyed?
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Old 10-20-2021, 09:02 AM
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Thank you so very much for your reply. I know logically that it is right for me to step away right now but I need my heart to follow. But I know you are right.
I attended an Al-Anon meeting on Monday evening and found it ok I guess. I need to keep going back to get full benefit. Thank you so much.
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Old 10-20-2021, 09:20 AM
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What if you always being there is the thing keeping her from getting herself sorted?
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Old 10-21-2021, 12:07 PM
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I did think of that often. Perhaps it’s time. I flip-flop between feeling ok one minute, like it’s the right thing then back to anxiety and guilt. It’s a battle I need to work on. Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot. X
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Old 10-24-2021, 01:27 PM
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Having a really bad weekend. Huge anxiety. The weekend is normally consumed by my sisters phone calls and her latest stories. I’m normally always there but now that I have blocked her number I feel sooooo much guilt again. I know I’m in a cycle right now. I am so very anxious about speaking to her but feel guilty that I’m not. I spoke to my dad this morning and he himself has mental health problems and gets quite depressed. He was very down about the whole situation with her and the threat of her arriving on his doorstep. I can’t help but feel I am pawning off my problem (I.e. her) on my elderly parents. I feel so trapped. Nobody wants to deal with her. I know she has brought this on herself. She has refused to get help, but I love her and I feel sorry for her.
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Old 10-24-2021, 01:31 PM
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I know I have blocked her number but I’m terrified of turning on my phone in case she finds another way to contact. Also, can’t help thinking about her reaction and how blocking her will affect her.
My therapist says I have PTSD from my PHONE!!!
She’s not wrong. The fear that runs through my body when it vibrates, regardless of the reason is so intense.
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Old 10-24-2021, 01:38 PM
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Just to say, I did not emphasize anything to my dad. She calls him periodically and he knows to story.
My mum (parents are separated) is just out of the hospital and so she knows nothing of the most recent events as I don’t want to worry her. Trying to hide it but she knows me too well and asks if I’m sure I’m ok.
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Old 10-24-2021, 02:56 PM
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Have also been prescribed klonipin by my doctor as he felt it would help with what I go through when dealing with her. They have sat in my drawer for almost 2 years. I didn’t want to take them due to the fact that I know how addictive they are. Look at my sister!!! As I have mentioned before, I’m a recovering alcoholic, was part of the January 2017 class here on SR
But in the last couple of weeks have been taking half a tablet in the morning and again in the afternoon. The anxiety and panic attacks were so severe. But I don’t want to end up with another problem.
It has been 4.5 years of sobriety and those 4.5 years have been torturous with her. My entire sober life has been a nightmare. It’s quite ironic really I guess.
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Old 10-24-2021, 03:18 PM
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Kim, can you imagine how much worse the nightmare would have been if you had been dealing with fallout from your own drinking during all this?

So what is behind the guilt? You didn't make her an addict. Have you considered one-on-one therapy to get to the root of your anxiety? As a recovering codependent who was raised to believe taking care of everyone else's feelings was my sole purpose in life, I can attest that therapy helped me tremendously to move past that and understand that I, too, deserve the attention, time, and energy I was obsessively devoting to others.
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Old 10-24-2021, 04:19 PM
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I so understand what you are saying sparkle. I had the same role in our family. It’s like I can’t be at peace until everyone else is first. I have been in therapy for about 5 years now. Struggling with the codependency issue. My anxiety stems from from both issues mentioned above. Did join a codependency on line group but didn’t find it so helpful. Will be going to my second Al-Anon tomorrow evening just having a particularly bad weekend. Thank you for your response. I truly appreciate it ☘️
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