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How did you deal with your addict after the breakup? / The Start of Falling in Love with an Addict

Old 09-20-2021, 12:12 PM
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panda012
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How did you deal with your addict after the breakup? / The Start of Falling in Love with an Addict

I was with my addict for about a year. If you want to follow my story it'll be on my blog here. How did you deal with your addict after the breakup? I left my addict about a month and a half ago but he was messaging me after our breakup for a while. Saying he loves me, that he's never been broken up with before, that he never wanted anything so bad in his life, and he didn't understand how we got here. Then later he was sending long messages of hate and saying that I never loved him and he never loved me, that I didn't want to be with a person who drinks so much and was a 'drugy.' Keep in mind that I never called him an alcoholic or "drugy" (but he wasn't wrong though). And then he calls me crying saying all the things like "I love you" blah blah blah... then he started getting riled up saying "how do you think I feel not having any say in the love of my life's life anymore!" and started blaming me for things, got angry, then just hung up. I did want to get back with him at a point but then he didn't want to be together. After all that, I just lost all hope and respect for this person that was a shell of my best friend and soulmate. I'm just scared of what might happen in the future. When he comes back trying to talk to me... He's done this before with two ex girlfriends where he leaves, parties for a few months, then comes back. But I was the only one he actually committed to, got a place with, planned an actual future with. What's your experience with having an addict loved one come back in your life? Did you get back with them? Did you become friends? Did you tell them to stay out of your life forever?


(Here is my first post of my story if you wanted to follow)
One month after my previous relationship of almost 4 years ended, I met who I thought was the missing piece in my life, the guy who was the last thing I needed to feel complete, the person who I was excited to spend the rest of my life with, get married to, buy our first house together, start a family. I didn't think that at all when I first met him though. The first night I met him I DID NOT want to hang out because it was already late when we started messaging each other. I kept saying no but he was persistent. Well, I gave in and decided to pick him up(he mentioned he was at a friends having a few drinks at the time). I pulled in and as he was walking up, I was awed at the sight of him. He was the most handsome guy I had ever seen. He opened my car door, sat down and said "hi i'm *******" and I introduced myself too. But in those first few seconds of meeting, I instantly noticed he was DRUNK(and who knows what else he was on); like I thought 'oh he's just drinking with his friends'... nope this guy was NOT sober whatsoever. I was already turned off by his first impression of the night but I decided to hang out for a little longer because he seemed kind, sweet, and harmless. Maybe into an hour of hanging out in my car he leaned over, puckered his lips, and said "kiss me" with his slurred speech. I laughed and said no. It was honestly a great night though, we got along seamlessly, laughed throughout the night, we skated around on my skateboard under the stars, he even sang at some point when I pulled out my ukulele, and he kept trying to make moves but I wasn't ready for all that so I kept pushing him away. Eventually near the end of the night, I let him kiss me on my cheek and be closer to me. Then the night was over and I drove him back to his friends place and surprised him with a kiss on his cheek before leaving. TO BE CONTINUED...
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Old 09-20-2021, 01:03 PM
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Hi Panda

From you falling in love post, It sounds like a bit of a whirlwind romance to me. Sometimes they work out, sometimes not.

From the start this guy showed you what was important to him - drinking and getting high. I think it would be a mistake to forget that?

D

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Old 09-20-2021, 10:18 PM
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Hello Panda
I would think, going by his behaviours with his previous partners, he has had serious issues for quite some time.
As Dee stated, he showed you who he was from the start. The chances of him changing are minimal, unless he truly wants recovery.
I believe you would do well to concentrate on you, and your life, and leave him to his own path. I certainly wouldn't choose to go down that path with him. It would not make for a happy life.
If you don't want the contact with him, which I think is wise, block any way he can contact you. If he shows up at your home, call the police.
Much Love
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Old 09-20-2021, 10:42 PM
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My goodness. Apologies for the repeat posts. No idea how that happened
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Old 09-21-2021, 08:02 PM
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"How did you deal with your addict after the breakup?"

It took me about 7 times of leaving, which is average. After that, things got progressively worse and I ended up filing a restraining order.

"I left my addict about a month and a half ago but he was messaging me after our breakup for a while. Saying he loves me, that he's never been broken up with before, that he never wanted anything so bad in his life, and he didn't understand how we got here."

I ask this gently. No judgment, because I've been there. Do you think that, possibly, he did know exactly how you got there? And looking back, did you maybe give him many warnings that it would come to this?

"Then later he was sending long messages of hate and saying that I never loved him and he never loved me, that I didn't want to be with a person who drinks so much and was a 'drugy.' Keep in mind that I never called him an alcoholic or "drugy" (but he wasn't wrong though).

Toxic. Manipulative.

"And then he calls me crying saying all the things like "I love you" blah blah blah... then he started getting riled up saying "how do you think I feel not having any say in the love of my life's life anymore!" and started blaming me for things, got angry, then just hung up."

Toxic. Manipulative.

"I did want to get back with him at a point but then he didn't want to be together. After all that, I just lost all hope and respect for this person that was a shell of my best friend and soulmate. I'm just scared of what might happen in the future. When he comes back trying to talk to me... He's done this before with two ex girlfriends where he leaves, parties for a few months, then comes back. But I was the only one he actually committed to, got a place with, planned an actual future with. What's your experience with having an addict loved one come back in your life?"

My experience with letting an addict loved one come back into my life was that I got strangled, my son got kicked in the balls so hard he was flung across the room, and my identity was stolen, leaving me bankrupt. If I didn't have my father's help, my children and I would have wound up homeless.

"Did you get back with them?"

Yes

"Did you become friends"

He is not someone I would call a friend.

"Did you tell them to stay out of your life forever?"

I have to co-parent with him (to the extent that he has weekly supervised visits). I will communicate with him regarding the visits (which he often cancels) and nothing else. I only communicate via email or text because he has lied so many times in court regarding our conversations. This way I have proof. I do not say anything that could convey any emotion whatsoever. I communicate the way an attorney would.

Just answering the questions you asked of my personal experience. I encourage you to focus on yourself, not him. Sometimes that is difficult when we have an addict in our live whose problems are so glaringly obvious.
My healing came when I started focusing on myself.
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