Insight from mom’s of addicts on my relationship with MIL?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Insight from mom’s of addicts on my relationship with MIL?
Hey, everyone. I’m actually taking a break from worrying about AH (theoretically in process of becoming my ex-AH), but am currently struggling to understand my relationship with his mom. And I thought I might be able to ask those who have adult children struggling with addiction if they have any insight. I know everyone is different, so I don’t expect any magical wisdom, of course! I just think I could benefit from a perspective I don’t have.
Sparknotes: I started dating her son before he was fully 1 year clean out of rehab. I didn’t realize until we were dating and I already really cared about him that his journey with recovery was so recent. He was living at home with her at the time.
As the relationship progressed, his mom and I built what seemed to be a friendship. Her personality is a bit more reserved and introverted than me, but we seemed to get along pretty well I thought! Eventually, after dating her son for over a year and a bit, he got a job offer in CA and we moved out there together. Two years after that we got married. We’ve been married for 3-4 years roughly. I didn’t talk with her a lot one-on-one, but rather on calls with my husband, or when we would get together for visits or holidays, because it seemed like she was most comfortable that way. And we always knew what was going on with each other through him.
Over COVID my husband left NA, reintroduced substances, battled depression/suicidal ideation/return of PTSD symptoms. I did reach out to his mom one-on-one in these times because I knew she’d gone through this with him before and could help or maybe have advice on the best way to support AH. Suddenly, AH basically exploded our whole life, and he up and left.
When it first happened, his mom and I had a few nice communications, and mentioned not wanting to lose touch with each other no matter what did or did happen between her son and I. We kept up over social media and text, though not a ton. I noticed I’ve been texting her more than I used to because I don’t have AH to update me on how she’s doing and I’m realizing I miss her and knowing how she’s doing! However, within the past month or two, she also disconnected from me on social media and her messages back to me have pretty much stopped. And it’s honestly making me super sad. I don’t know if I did something wrong (most of my texts I tried to be cheerful and not always talk about AH, but I won’t lie, some got more vulnerable and emotional), or if she’s just done with me, or if she never really liked me to begin with and was just being nice! I feel very out to sea.
So for anyone (especially mom’s of AS), do you have any advice for how I should move forward? What would you have appreciated in word/action from any partners of your AS/AD? Any insight into why our relationship is dissolving?
Sparknotes: I started dating her son before he was fully 1 year clean out of rehab. I didn’t realize until we were dating and I already really cared about him that his journey with recovery was so recent. He was living at home with her at the time.
As the relationship progressed, his mom and I built what seemed to be a friendship. Her personality is a bit more reserved and introverted than me, but we seemed to get along pretty well I thought! Eventually, after dating her son for over a year and a bit, he got a job offer in CA and we moved out there together. Two years after that we got married. We’ve been married for 3-4 years roughly. I didn’t talk with her a lot one-on-one, but rather on calls with my husband, or when we would get together for visits or holidays, because it seemed like she was most comfortable that way. And we always knew what was going on with each other through him.
Over COVID my husband left NA, reintroduced substances, battled depression/suicidal ideation/return of PTSD symptoms. I did reach out to his mom one-on-one in these times because I knew she’d gone through this with him before and could help or maybe have advice on the best way to support AH. Suddenly, AH basically exploded our whole life, and he up and left.
When it first happened, his mom and I had a few nice communications, and mentioned not wanting to lose touch with each other no matter what did or did happen between her son and I. We kept up over social media and text, though not a ton. I noticed I’ve been texting her more than I used to because I don’t have AH to update me on how she’s doing and I’m realizing I miss her and knowing how she’s doing! However, within the past month or two, she also disconnected from me on social media and her messages back to me have pretty much stopped. And it’s honestly making me super sad. I don’t know if I did something wrong (most of my texts I tried to be cheerful and not always talk about AH, but I won’t lie, some got more vulnerable and emotional), or if she’s just done with me, or if she never really liked me to begin with and was just being nice! I feel very out to sea.
So for anyone (especially mom’s of AS), do you have any advice for how I should move forward? What would you have appreciated in word/action from any partners of your AS/AD? Any insight into why our relationship is dissolving?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dear, it's not you and it's not his mother...it's the elephant in the room called addiction.
I really liked most of.my son's girlfriends and one was engaged to him for 2 years...both clean and going to meetings then relapsed together even after 2 years.
I told each of them that I would not discuss my son's addiction/recovery but that I would not lie either.
2 of them had a child which made it harder but in the end they just could not live in the toxicity of a relationship with an addict.
Sadly, my relationship with these ladies faded over time. They left with my grandchildren so I lost that too.
If I had one piece of advice to give anyone in a relationship with an active addict, it would be "Run, girl, run" or prepare for a life of heartbreak, financial insecurity and remind them that addiction gets worse over time.
This is probably not what you want to hear. I love my son, even as he sits in prison today. I would never ever have thought that the kind loving son that I tried for years to save, would end up doing serious time. I love him but cannot return the the dark place that addiction brings. It almost killed me before I was wise enough and exhausted enough to let go. I pray for him each morning and leave his care to God.
Love cannot save our active addicts, if it could not one of us would be here.
Take a good read around here and you will see where it all leads. Whatever you choose, we are here to support you and I hope you can find your own peace with all this.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I really liked most of.my son's girlfriends and one was engaged to him for 2 years...both clean and going to meetings then relapsed together even after 2 years.
I told each of them that I would not discuss my son's addiction/recovery but that I would not lie either.
2 of them had a child which made it harder but in the end they just could not live in the toxicity of a relationship with an addict.
Sadly, my relationship with these ladies faded over time. They left with my grandchildren so I lost that too.
If I had one piece of advice to give anyone in a relationship with an active addict, it would be "Run, girl, run" or prepare for a life of heartbreak, financial insecurity and remind them that addiction gets worse over time.
This is probably not what you want to hear. I love my son, even as he sits in prison today. I would never ever have thought that the kind loving son that I tried for years to save, would end up doing serious time. I love him but cannot return the the dark place that addiction brings. It almost killed me before I was wise enough and exhausted enough to let go. I pray for him each morning and leave his care to God.
Love cannot save our active addicts, if it could not one of us would be here.
Take a good read around here and you will see where it all leads. Whatever you choose, we are here to support you and I hope you can find your own peace with all this.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi edoering
My son is the addict in my life, and I would advise any female to stay clear of him. He is 27 years old, never been married, but flits from relationship to relationship, with females who have the same issues as himself.
I have never formed relationships with any of the females. To be honest, it's stressful enough having 1 addict, never mind another. I have no interest in being part of his life, if he is actively using. I have minimal contact via txt message and occasional call.
Maybe his mother can't deal with your heartache and hers? Could he have told her lies? Or maybe she has had her fill of "all things addiction". I know I reached that point. Maybe she feels that by you having contact with her, still ties you to him? Unless she tells you, you'll never know.
Unfortunately, sometimes, there's no rhyme nor reason to some things. Concentrate of you, and your life, and forge a life that makes you happy. Be free from all that relates to addiction - it only causes chaos and heartache.
Sending you a hug
Much Love
Bute xx
My son is the addict in my life, and I would advise any female to stay clear of him. He is 27 years old, never been married, but flits from relationship to relationship, with females who have the same issues as himself.
I have never formed relationships with any of the females. To be honest, it's stressful enough having 1 addict, never mind another. I have no interest in being part of his life, if he is actively using. I have minimal contact via txt message and occasional call.
Maybe his mother can't deal with your heartache and hers? Could he have told her lies? Or maybe she has had her fill of "all things addiction". I know I reached that point. Maybe she feels that by you having contact with her, still ties you to him? Unless she tells you, you'll never know.
Unfortunately, sometimes, there's no rhyme nor reason to some things. Concentrate of you, and your life, and forge a life that makes you happy. Be free from all that relates to addiction - it only causes chaos and heartache.
Sending you a hug
Much Love
Bute xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I wanted to say thank you all so much.
Hearing what you’ve said, and going through what I am with her son I’m realizing, perhaps this whole time we’ve been together, a part of her has always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel so overwhelmed by what’s happening and this is my first time experiencing it. This is her second. I thought I “understood” because I went with my XAH to NA meetings, and did “lots of research” when we were together. But it is so different living it. Recently my brother went through his first brush with drug addiction/mental illness as well, and while everyone in my family loves him as much as ever, it will be a long time before trust that he’s going to be okay will be restored. While 7 years of my XAH’s recovery and our relationship felt so sturdy to me (so naive, right?), I’m finally understanding why it wasn’t very long at all for her after what she’d been through.
Whatever is happening between us isn’t personal. We’re both doing our best with watching someone we both love so much suffer.
Hearing what you’ve said, and going through what I am with her son I’m realizing, perhaps this whole time we’ve been together, a part of her has always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel so overwhelmed by what’s happening and this is my first time experiencing it. This is her second. I thought I “understood” because I went with my XAH to NA meetings, and did “lots of research” when we were together. But it is so different living it. Recently my brother went through his first brush with drug addiction/mental illness as well, and while everyone in my family loves him as much as ever, it will be a long time before trust that he’s going to be okay will be restored. While 7 years of my XAH’s recovery and our relationship felt so sturdy to me (so naive, right?), I’m finally understanding why it wasn’t very long at all for her after what she’d been through.
Whatever is happening between us isn’t personal. We’re both doing our best with watching someone we both love so much suffer.
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